The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  DARNIA: Right, that’s enough about me – even though myself is my favourite subject. Let me now show you the bedroom, Sally.

  SALLY-ANNE: I would truly love to see it, but I really must be going. (Then says loudly:) Trench will be waiting for me.

  DARNIA: Perhaps some other time…

  (There is a loud knock on the door.)

  DARNIA: (Who snaps:) What is it?

  (The door opens.)

  DARNIA: Ben, what do you want? I don’t need protection in here.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Says quietly:) No, but I do.

  BEN: As instructed, I was keeping an eye on the comings and goings of the hotel.

  DARNIA: Who..? Never mind. What are you carrying?

  BEN: It’s an urgent parcel for Darnia Storm which is you, of course. I took it from the courier.

  DARNIA: Let’s open it then.

  TRENCH: No, it might be something dangerous.

  DARNIA: Trench, how did you..?

  TRENCH: Err, the door’s open.

  DONNY: What’s all this commotion going on?

  DARNIA: Donny – does anybody else want to come into my room, while we’re at it?

  BEN: I’m the bodyguard, I’ll open the package.

  DARNIA: Be my guest.

  SALLY-ANNE: Is it ticking, Trench?

  TRENCH: Sally-Anne, please take your fingers out of your ears…

  (Music with more than a bit of danger changes scene and time.)

  OLD TOM: Hmm, that last drop of cold tea really hits the spot. Young Trench, I’d be obliged if you would be good enough to check out the biscuit situation.

  TRENCH: Certainly, Old Tom.

  (We hear TRENCH open the metal lid.)

  TRENCH: Poo, these biscuits smell.

  OLD TOM: I know, very tempting.

  TRENCH: If you say so.

  OLD TOM: I’ll take one for now and save one for later. Now, where were we?

  TRENCH: I was just touching upon Darnia’s conversation with Sally-Anne about the star’s past.

  OLD TOM: (Who just finishes munching a biscuit.) Well, go on Trench – I don’t have all day.

  TRENCH: (Who sighs.) Sally steered Darnia – I think reluctantly to talk about a former lover, someone from long ago who was courting her as she left school. When pressed, all Darnia would say about him was that she doesn’t see him anymore but he’s still around.

  OLD TOM: How very interesting…

  TRENCH: Which points to our suspect being a man…

  OLD TOM: That accepts the assumption that Ms Storm’s ex and the stalker are one and the same – which may not be necessarily so. And the ‘bomb’ incident you mentioned earlier – run that by me again – it just doesn’t seem to ring true.

  TRENCH: As I’ve said – Ben the bodyguard brought the package into the room ‘interrupting’ Darnia and Sally. I ‘entered’ and so did her manager, Donny Davies. Ben opened the parcel and then…

  OLD TOM: … bang!

  TRENCH: Bang, literally. A flag popped up with ‘bang!’ on, and a message underneath.

  OLD TOM: Yes, ‘You’re next performance will be a dead one’. Which implies a theatrical connection.

  TRENCH: Vivien Velvet?

  OLD TOM: She certainly seems to have more reason than most – in a prima-donna-diva sort of way. It may be a good idea to keep an eye on rehearsals though, Trench.

  TRENCH: You think the danger is connected to the Play?

  OLD TOM: Possibly, but not let’s disregard our other stalker suspects. It was Ben who brought the package to Ms Storm. Does that imply he is involved or merely stupid? You don’t open mysterious packages at a time of possible danger, right in front of the person you’re trying to protect!

  TRENCH: No you don’t. But, whilst Ben isn’t quite as bad as Happy, I don’t think he’s the sharpest pencil in the case.

  OLD TOM: And her manager, Donny Davies. He even thought the stalker idea was good for publicity!

  TRENCH: Now, we’re overflowing with suspects and I’m still suspicious of Darnia herself! So, Old Tom – what next?

  OLD TOM: I would like photographs of Ms Storm’s earlier modelling career – especially pictures showing her left hand.

  TRENCH: Are you sure you’re not just being a dirty old man?

  OLD TOM: I wasn’t the one who re-told me of young Sally’s encounter with Ms Storm with, shall we say, such enthusiasm.

  TRENCH: You have me there, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: About those pictures I requested?

  TRENCH: Oh yes, I could retrieve the photos from Newspaper Archives, but what a strange request: left hand indeed?

  OLD TOM: We are slowly approaching the last act, Trench.

  TRENCH: I know, I just don’t want it to be the final curtain for Darnia Storm…

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act Two.)

  ACT THREE

  SALLY-ANNE: To put it mildly, I’ve had an eventful day and have completed this huge pile of work here.

  (SALLY-ANNE slaps the pile of papers.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Editor Law has gone home, so I think I will join him.

  TRENCH: Really, Sally-Anne – you’re going home with Editor Law? I didn’t realise you were so close!

  SALLY-ANNE: Hah… hah… hah. You know very well what I meant, Trenchy. I need a long soak in a hot, soapy bath.

  TRENCH: Except that you don’t have time for a bath. Old Tom thinks we should keep an eye on rehearsals. Darnia is due at the theatre shortly, so we’d better be going.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m sorry – I didn’t realise I was now working for good Old Tom. Silly me – I was under the misapprehension that Editor Law was somehow our boss!

  TRENCH: Silly girl – you should know better. You know Old Tom’s advice makes sense though.

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, I’m knack… err very tired – can’t you go on your own?

  TRENCH: Come on Sall – I need you there. If our enigmatic stalker does turn up, an extra pair of eyes could be very useful. Please Sally-Anne. And besides, I hate going to the theatre alone.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Says resignedly with a sigh:) Oh, go on then.

  TRENCH: You might also have a chance to reacquaint yourself with the beautiful Miss Storm.

  SALLY-ANNE: Tell you what, why don’t I stalk you and then start strangling…

  (We hear the rustling of newspaper.)

  TRENCH: Actually after checking this paper, Darnia won’t be treading the boards yet, anyway. Rehearsals don’t begin till tomorrow morning. So, enjoy your bath!

  (Quirky music changes the scene.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Where shall we sit?

  VIVIEN: Do you mind – believe it or not we are trying to rehearse in here.

  SALLY-ANNE: Sorry Vivien – carry on. (Then says more quietly:) Trench, where shall we sit?

  TRENCH: Well, as the theatre is completely empty, we are somewhat spoilt for choice. So, how about the front row?

  SALLY-ANNE: Right. (Then says more quietly:) Right.

  (We hear TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE shuffle to the front row and finally sit down.)

  TRENCH: It’s just Darnia and Vivien Velvet on stage at the moment.

  SALLY-ANNE: So, let’s listen then – shall we?

  TRENCH: Excuse me Sally-Anne. I wasn’t the one who was told off for talking loudly.

  SALLY-ANNE: Shh.

  DARNIA: (Who’s acting on stage.) Three of my models have been murdered and you, detective, are telling me to carry on as though nothing has happened.

  VIVIEN: (As the detective.) Our man is closing in – and one more model shoot, if you will excuse the expression, is all I should need to apprehend our assailant. (Then says in her own voice:) Oh come on, director.

  DIRECTOR: (The voice comes from near the back of the theatre.) What is it now, Vivien? Why can’t you be a good girl like Darnia?

  VIVIEN: (Says furiously:) I’m sorry, but Darnia is neither good nor bad – she is awful. She is putting the wrong emotional emphasis on virtually all her lines. She is a complete amateur – and that i
s ‘what’s the matter’.

  DARNIA: Oh Vivien darling, drop the vixen act. It’s becoming so predictable – and boring.

  VIVIEN: Are you going to let her speak to me like that? I mean, she has all the best lines – and she’s killing every one of them.

  DIRECTOR: Come on ladies, stop squabbling. Just say the lines, and let me worry about the ‘emotional emphases’.

  (DARNIA laughs in a superior way.)

  VIVIEN: Right that’s it. I must have talent to work with. Goodbye – and good riddance. If you beg me, I may return as the star – when you’ve sacked that!

  (VIVIEN loudly storms off through the seating area.)

  SALLY-ANNE: What a drama queen.

  TRENCH: That’s exactly what Vivien is. Mind you, Darnia does seem to create a storm wherever she goes…

  DIRECTOR: Darnia, you might as well take a break.

  DARNIA: In a minute. I’m just going to practice my stage positioning for a few moments.

  SALLY-ANNE: It looks like that’s the end of the show.

  (Suddenly there is an almighty crash and a terrible scream.)

  TRENCH: Darnia! Are you all right?

  DIRECTOR: Somebody call an ambulance.

  SALLY-ANNE: What happened?

  TRENCH: A sandbag fell from high above the stage. Come, we’d better see if Darnia is hurt.

  (We hear TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE frantically climb the stage.)

  TRENCH: Darnia..?

  SALLY-ANNE: It’s Sally-Anne, Darnia.

  DARNIA: Oh my head – I must have banged it when I fell. Luckily though, the sandbag just missed me.

  SALLY-ANNE: It could have been a terrible accident…

  TRENCH: If it was an accident.

  DARNIA: You mean… my stalker? I could have died. Yes, his last warning was that ‘my next part will be a dead one’.

  TRENCH: And this time Darnia, your mystery stalker was almost right.

  (Music reflecting impending danger changes scene.)

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are clearly outside the theatre as we hear associated traffic noises etc.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, Trench – did your backstage investigation reveal anything?

  TRENCH: Only that the ‘accident’ was no accident. I had to climb quite high above the stage, on the gantry, and the rope that connects the curtains to the counter-weight of the sandbag…

  SALLY-ANNE: Get on with it.

  TRENCH: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, the rope had been cut clean through. We nearly witnessed a very deliberate attempt at murder.

  SALLY-ANNE: So the stalker has become much more than simply threatening – but why? As background to this story, I’ve studied psychological profiles of the typical stalker and in nearly all cases they huff and puff and threaten all sorts of dreadful things but they always fall short of actual direct action.

  TRENCH: So, what makes this case different?

  SALLY-ANNE: If we can discover that, we will have our man – or woman. Is Darnia going to be all right?

  TRENCH: I think so – all Miss Storm would say when I went back to her was that from now on she would have Ben with her to protect her all the time. Basically she now won’t let her bodyguard out of her sight.

  SALLY-ANNE: Which probably takes care of her immediate safety.

  TRENCH: Yes, Sally-Anne, probably…

  SALLY-ANNE: Well Trench, I know Editor Law has given us plenty of time on this Story, but now we have the afternoon free, hadn’t we better catch up on some of our less glamorous stories and actually do some work?

  TRENCH: (Says unenthusiastically:) You mean write about parking problems and dogs messing the pavements? Come on, let’s go back to the office.

  (Music with irony ends the scene.)

  TRENCH: I didn’t know you could be fined one thousand pounds if your dog has an unfortunate accident on the pavement. Did you know you could be fined one thousand pounds if your…

  SALLY-ANNE: All right Trench, I get the message. And yes, I did know. Right that just about wraps our work up today and whatever you say, I am going home. What about you?

  TRENCH: First I’m going to nip to Newspaper Archives to retrieve some pictures Old Tom requested and then, I think I’ll pay our favourite hotel another visit.

  SALLY-ANNE: Do you want to carry on where I left off with Darnia?

  TRENCH: Not quite, Sally-Anne. I am more interested in having another chat with that manager of hers – Donny Davies.

  SALLY-ANNE: Do you think he’s hiding something?

  TRENCH: That is more than a possibility. I am, at least, sure though that he holds crucial information to this case.

  (Reflective music moves things along.)

  (We hear TRENCH walk along the hotel corridors.)

  TRENCH: Donny Davies’ room – hang on, the doors slightly ajar. I find it’s always better to listen first and knock later…

  DONNY: Yes, I know – as I’ve already said, before we go national on this secret stalker business I wanted my client to be visibly stalked or whatever stalkers do, but I don’t want her killed, you raving lunatic.

  (There is a shuffle at the door and TRENCH falls in.)

  TRENCH: Ouch. Sorry just trying to knock.

  DONNY: I have to go – we’ll speak later.

  (DONNY replaces the telephone receiver.)

  DONNY: Ah, Trench – what can I do for you? I’ve just heard about that terrible business at the theatre. Shocking, isn’t it? Poor Darnia might have…

  TRENCH: …died, yes – but that, Donny Davies would have generated an awful amount of publicity. And they say all publicity is good publicity.

  DONNY: That’s absurd. If she’s dead, I would have no superstar on my books.

  TRENCH: No, but you would have something else.

  DONNY: Sorry?

  TRENCH: Maybe you are. We all know Darnia Storm is her public name but is it real or just a stage name?

  (We hear DONNY rummaging through his papers and files.)

  DONNY: Yes, here it is. Darnia Storm’s real name is Deidre Brown.

  TRENCH: How exciting…

  DONNY: And I advise you never call her that, she doesn’t like it.

  TRENCH: Now, isn’t that surprising? Right, I’ll leave you in peace. You can carry on with your telephone conversation, if you like.

  DONNY: (Says guiltily:) Who, me?

  (We hear TRENCH close the door firmly and walk along the corridor.)

  TRENCH: Might as well see how old Darnia’s bearing up while I’m here.

  (TRENCH knocks on the door – which opens.)

  TRENCH: Ben, what are you doing here?

  BEN: My mistress requires constant protection. I will protect her.

  TRENCH: Good for you. Can I have a quick word with ‘mistress’?

  BEN: Darnia is tired, I think it’s best she rests…

  DARNIA: Oh Ben, let Trench in. He is one of the people trying to help me, you great oaf.

  TRENCH: Thank-you.

  (TRENCH slips inside.)

  TRENCH: Your bodyguard takes his job very seriously. (Then says shocked:) Darnia, what’s happened to you?

  DARNIA: You’ve never seen me like this, have you Trench? In fact, the world has never seen me like this. At least, not for a very long time…

  (Music laced with sadness changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: Are you sitting comfortably, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: You know only too well I am. As always I am in my trusty armchair and sitting comfortably. Your sense of irony, Trench does you no favours. Just tell me… everything.

  (Mysterious music moves things along.)

  OLD TOM: Describe to me, Ms Storm’s most recent condition, in the hotel room.

  TRENCH: Well it was like Darnia had given up. Gone was her almost arrogant sexuality; her confidence with attitude; her glowing beauty and obvious sexual charms and her ‘I’m going to seduce the world and succeed’ mind set. I was sad to see it all replaced by a vulnerable, scared and sad woman who seemed years older. />
  OLD TOM: As if Darnia has reverted back to Deidre…

  TRENCH: I don’t follow.

  OLD TOM: The pictures I requested, please.

  TRENCH: Oh, yes – here.

  (TRENCH hands OLD TOM the pictures, who studies them.)

  OLD TOM: These photographs confirm my suspicions.

  TRENCH: Do they?

  OLD TOM: I now know the identity of our mysterious stalker.

  TRENCH: You do? Who, who is it?

  OLD TOM: Not so fast, Trench – I want you to find out for yourself.

  TRENCH: Oh, do I have to? Why can’t you tell me, just this once?

  OLD TOM: My purpose here is to help you; to gently push – yes, maybe sometimes shove – you in the right direction. But I will refrain from doing your job for you.

  TRENCH: I knew it couldn’t be that easy.

  OLD TOM: Just do what I am about to say, young man, and all will become clear.

  TRENCH: What do want me to do, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: On behalf of Ms Storm, I want you and Sally-Anne to invite Ms Storm herself, obviously; her bodyguard who most likely will be there anyway; the vivacious vixen Vivien Velvet and her manager, the devious Donny Davies to Ms Storm’s hotel suite on the pretence of some sort of cocktail party.

  TRENCH: All the suspects under one roof, eh? And then what?

  OLD TOM: And then say to each one of them the following and, I fear, the secretive stalker will be finally revealed…

  (Intriguing music changes scene and time.)

  TRENCH: Ah, Darnia – I’m glad to see you’ve recaptured some of your old self.

  DARNIA: Thank-you, Trench – and Sally-Anne, how nice to see you again, looking as lovely as ever.

  SALLY-ANNE: Hi Darnia, but let’s not start all that again.

  (There is a knock at the door.)

  BEN: I’ll check. (The door is opened.) It is your manager and Vivien Velvet.

  DARNIA: Who invited her?

  TRENCH: I did. And now everyone’s finally here, it is time to shed some light on Storm’s shadowy stalker and reveal his – or her identity.

  VIVIEN: How outrageous.

  DONNY: Am I one of the suspects?

  TRENCH: I’m going to first start with Darnia herself. Are you that desperate for attention and stardom, you arranged this whole shebang?

  DARNIA: I might seek attention… but not death.

  TRENCH: And you, Ben the bodyguard. Maybe you are so infatuated with your ‘assignment’ – you have stalked her so she will seek even greater protection – and company – from you?