The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  DEBSY: You flatter yourself. How much do we really know about Sade or Rhet come to that? They’ve pulled the wool over our eyes once…

  TRENCH: You think Sade might have been some sort of trap?

  DEBSY: A honey trap, maybe. Mind you, Sade did seem, well… sad.

  TRENCH: A honey trap? Would Mandrake stoop so low?

  DEBSY: I’m not sure, but I know you would!

  TRENCH: Well, what are we going to do about sleeping arrangements tonight? I would offer to sleep on the floor, but with this being a castle it’s very cold and stony.

  DEBSY: In that case, I think we should be all grown-up about this. I will stick to my side of the bed – and you stick to yours. Surely we can keep our hands off each other for one night?

  TRENCH: I’m not sure…

  DEBSY: Come on. Tell you what – I promise I won’t even kiss you goodnight.

  TRENCH: Oh, all right then – I’ll give it a go.

  (DEBSY and TRENCH climb into bed. There is a moment of awkward silence.)

  DEBSY: Err, it might help if you actually turn the light off.

  TRENCH: Oh yeah.

  (TRENCH pulls the cord, which turns the light off.)

  DEBSY: Ooh, it’s freezing. These castles are dreadfully draughty. Can you at least give me a cuddle to warm me up?

  TRENCH: As long as you behave.

  DEBSY: Promise.

  (They cuddle.)

  DEBSY: You know the real reason I ‘saw off Sade’, don’t you?

  TRENCH: Err, Debsy – you are starting to stroke my thighs and your hand is travelling in an upwards direction.

  DEBSY: You’re a man, I’m a woman – why not grasp this opportunity?

  TRENCH: What happened to all our good intentions?

  DEBSY: They went out with the lights?

  TRENCH: Debsy, if you do that again – I’m going to have to respond.

  DEBSY: Then start responding…

  (We hear them kissing. Seductive music slowly fades into the sound of the worsening storm. The thunder rolls and the torrential rain becomes stronger… Lighter music indicates the start of a new day and we hear a cock crowing.)

  DEBSY: Good morning, Trench.

  TRENCH: (Who’s very tired.) Is it? It wasn’t a dream then, was it?

  DEBSY: Oh, come on. At least I kept my promise – I didn’t actually kiss you goodnight.

  TRENCH: Yep, but that was about the only thing you didn’t kiss!

  DEBSY: Right, now close your eyes and don’t open them until I’m in the bathroom.

  TRENCH: But we’ve… I’ve… Oh, I don’t know – unbelievable.

  (Slightly humorous music moves things along.)

  (TRENCH places his knife and fork on his now empty plate.)

  TRENCH: Now, that’s what I call a hearty breakfast.

  DEBSY: (Says in a hushed voice so only TRENCH can hear:) You deserve it, after last night.

  RHET: So, did you two have a good night?

  DEBSY: Yes, I suppose we did.

  TRENCH: We had a good night’s sleep, if that’s what you mean, Rhet.

  DEBSY: (Says quietly again:) Spoilsport!

  SADE: I slept alone, in my own room.

  DEBSY: Bully for you, Sade.

  (MARLOWE enters the dining room.)

  MARLOWE: Master has summoned you all presently to the reception hall. Once there, he will extrapolate details of today’s main activity.

  DEBSY: Wonderful.

  (They all get up and wander into the reception hall, where MANDRAKE is waiting for them.)

  MANDRAKE: Gather round, children – apologies, my little joke.

  TRENCH: Hilarious, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: I’m glad you appreciated it, Trench. As you no doubt can hear, the worsening storm has regrettably forced me to abandon plans for a day’s fox hunting. My eager yet disappointed hounds will have to remain in their kennels.

  TRENCH: Are you all right, Sade – you seemed to nearly faint then.

  SADE: I’m OK. I’m just relieved at having at having not to face those horrible, slavering dogs.

  DEBSY: Shh, I can’t hear Mandrake properly.

  TRENCH: That’s us told.

  MANDRAKE: So, instead we shall go hunting inside my castle.

  RHET: But that’s not possible.

  MANDRAKE: On the contrary, Rhet. Watch. Marlowe, if you please.

  MARLOWE: Master.

  RHET: But that’s just a covered cage, you couldn’t possibly fit a fox in there.

  MANDRAKE: Remove the cover.

  MARLOWE: As you wish.

  (MARLOWE removes the cover to astonished gasps.)

  DEBSY: It’s a rat!

  MANDRAKE: Correct, Debsy. In a moment, I will set this rat free. All the outer doors and windows have been closed and locked, Marlowe?

  MARLOWE: I have personally checked them myself, master. Nothing could escape from Castle Mandrake – not even a rat.

  MANDRAKE: Once I have unleashed our furry friend, we will all count to a hundred seconds and then the first team to catch the rat will be declared the winner.

  TRENCH: Team?

  MANDRAKE: Yes, I propose to split us into three teams . Trench, you will partner Sade. Rhet, you shall take Debsy – and myself and Marlowe will make up the remaining team.

  DEBSY: How exciting.

  RHET: It’s different, Mandrake – I’ll give you that.

  MANDRAKE; One more thing, I cannot abide cheats. Anybody attempting to trap or entice the rat with food or other unfair means will be disqualified and thrown out into the storm.

  SADE: Charming.

  MANDRAKE: Let the games begin.

  (MANDRAKE opens the cage. The rat scurries out to startled cries. Chase-style music ends this scene.)

  (There is now a montage of music and mayhem. We can hear cries such as: DEBSY: It’s under the bureau! RHET: Damn, you dirty rat! SADE: It went flying up the steps. TRENCH: I nearly had it. MANDRAKE: We shall flush rat out. MARLOWE: Excellent idea, master. We hear plenty of running up and down steps – and chasing and scurrying.)

  RHET: I’ve got it!

  DEBSY: We’ve won!

  SADE: It’s not fair.

  TRENCH: I know, I grabbed hold of its tail – but it bit me!

  DEBSY: Serves you right, Trench.

  TRENCH: How did you catch it?

  DEBSY: I screamed, it scurried from under the sofa, I mean suite, and reliable Rhet was ready to pounce.

  RHET: One caught rat, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: Congratulations Rhet and Debsy – I declare you the winners.

  MARLOWE: Bravo, sir and madam.

  MANDRAKE: Now, kill it, Marlowe. Ouch! The blighter’s bit me.

  TRENCH: And escaped again…

  MANDRAKE: No matter – we will leave Marlowe and the servants to re-catch rat. There is now a rest period before luncheon. Please, you are dismissed.

  DEBSY: So, Trenny – what do we do now?

  TRENCH: Rest? As the man said.

  DEBSY: Really?

  TRENCH: Yes, you relax. I’ll see you in a bit. I’m just going to have a chat with Old Tom.

  DEBSY: Trench, oh never mind – I’ll tell you later.

  (TRENCH leaves the others and walks up the stone steps, and then the spiral steps. He knocks on OLD TOM’s door.)

  MANDRAKE: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  TRENCH: What the? (TRENCH opens the door and quickly goes inside.) Mandrake, what are you doing here?

  MANDRAKE: I’m just having a chat with my old friend, Thomas. You don’t begrudge me that, do you?

  OLD TOM: It’s all right, Trench – it really is.

  TRENCH: But how did you get up here so quickly? I left you in the drawing room, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: Am I expected to answer this question?

  TRENCH: Old Tom, how did he enter this room?

  OLD TOM: I confess to have nodded off. I awoke to the dubious pleasure of Mandrake staring at me, so I can’t say how he came in.

  MANDRAKE
: What does it matter, anyway? Thomas and I have a lifetime to catch up on. Experiences to share and old scores to settle…

  TRENCH: Now about that Mandrake, do you think it’s really fait to bear a grudge from so long ago?

  MANDRAKE: Bearing a grudge? Nothing could be further from my mind. The tragedy that you caused, Thomas has drifted into… oblivion. This is the purpose of the weekend – to let bygones be bygones; to build new bridges with old and new friends…

  OLD TOM: So, what was all that about, the cloaked stranger-Rhet-following Trench?

  MANDRAKE: Oh, that was simply an amusement for old time’s sake. A precursor to the main event…

  OLD TOM: That, Mandrake, is what worries me.

  MANDRAKE: An Englishman’s home is his castle, wouldn’t you say?

  OLD TOM: Particularly, in your case.

  MANDRAKE: And you, Thomas, are sat in my armchair.

  TRENCH: Where’s this leading, Mandrake?

  MANDRAKE: I am simply advising you both to accept my generous hospitality, or…

  TRENCH: Or what?

  OLD TOM: We do accept your hospitality, in the spirit it is offered.

  MANDRAKE: Watch yourself and your friends, Thomas. If you will excuse me.

  (MANDRAKE leaves the room by the door.)

  OLD TOM: I’m glad he’s gone.

  TRENCH: Have you been reading, Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: Oh, the bookcase behind me – no, I haven’t really had the time. All the classics are there, though.

  TRENCH: Mandrake was implying the threat may be to me or Debsy?

  OLD TOM: I suspect so – just be careful. Mandrake is capable of manipulating you both without you even knowing it.

  TRENCH: I must protect Debsy.

  OLD TOM: I will not pry, but the statement suggests your relationship has deepened..?

  TRENCH: I just can’t stand the thought of anything happening to her.

  (A that moment, we hear a blood-curdling scream.)

  TRENCH: Debsy!

  (The rain and the thunder fade into a longer piece of mystery music which indicates the end of Act Two.)

  Act Three

  (Almost breathless, TRENCH bursts into the drawing room.)

  TRENCH: Debsy.

  (TRENCH is greeted with convivial laughter.)

  TRENCH: Debsy, what’s happened – you screamed?

  DEBSY: (Who’s laughing.) I know, I’m sorry – you see I thought the rat was attacking me and… you won’t believe this. (She sinks into more laughter.)

  RHET: It was hilarious, Trench.

  SADE: You do look worried, though.

  MANDRAKE: Allow me to take up the story – and I apologise Trench, it was all my fault. Debsy here, thought rat was lunging for her throat and naturally screamed but, I’m almost ashamed to say, it was only this glove puppet on my wrist that just so happens to look like a rat which caused all the commotion.

  TRENCH: Yes, very clever, Mandrake.

  MANDRAKE: It was a harmless prank, that’s all.

  RHET: Oh come on, Trench – can’t you see the funny side of it?

  TRENCH: All I’m going to say Rhet, is that ignorance is bliss.

  (MARLOWE enters the room.)

  MARLOWE: Luncheon is now being served. If you please…

  (Slowly, the guests move to the dining room.)

  (Calmer music changes the scene.)

  MARLOWE: I trust everyone enjoyed luncheon. Now, for an unrelated announcement: Myself and the servants, despite extensive searches, have been unable to locate the dratted rat, so we are officially abandoning the search.

  DEBSY: Trench, wake me up when he’s finished, will you?

  MARLOWE: However, if you happen to observe said rat, please bring the matter to the attention of one of the staff immediately.

  TRENCH: I wonder where rat has disappeared to though? What do you think, Sade?

  SADE: Probably scarpered from this creepy castle – I wish I could.

  TRENCH: Hmm, but all the outer doors are locked though…

  RHET: We could start the rat-hunting game again? Any volunteers? (There is a moment’s silence.) No, I didn’t think so.

  MARLOWE: Thank-you Rhet, but no. Master has decreed that after this morning’s exertions, a period of rest is in order. As a leisurely stroll through the grounds is also out of the question, due to the inclement weather, you are welcome to browse in Master’s extensive study; relax in the drawing room or play billiards or cards in the games room.

  (MANDRAKE opens the door and enters.)

  MANDRAKE: Where later, I shall be playing Bridge partnering Marlowe here. I dare anyone to challenge us. We have never failed yet to make our contract, is that not so, Marlowe?

  MARLOWE: It is indeed as you say, Master.

  TRENCH: Bridge, Mandrake? I bet even that was an obscure previous clue…

  MANDRAKE: Speak up, Trench – was that a challenge?

  TRENCH: Yes, it most certainly was…

  (Thoughtful music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: You’re all alone – where’s everyone gone?

  SADE: I’m not sure about Mandrake and Marlowe, but I think Rhet and Debsy are browsing in the study.

  TRENCH: Sade, you sound so down. Come on, what’s wrong?

  SADE: Can’t you hear them?

  TRENCH: Hear what?

  SADE: Listen.

  TRENCH: (Who listens for a moment.) All I can hear is the howling wind and the driving rain – wait yes, I can just… (Faintly, we can hear the howling, barking hunting dogs.) …hear the hunting dogs. Do they disturb you?

  SADE: I just don’t like this castle, Trench. Guess what’s in my bedroom?

  TRENCH: Err… a bed?

  SADE: You’ve heard of a rocking horse? Well, for some strange reason, I have a rocking dog.

  TRENCH: Now I can see your problem – the dog will chase the sheep away you’re counting to go to sleep!

  SADE: I must admit, that thought hadn’t occurred to me.

  TRENCH: That’s better, you’re smiling again. Debsy and Rhet have been gone for a while – I’ll just check what they’re getting up to in the study.

  (TRENCH leaves SADE in the drawing room and wanders into the study.)

  TRENCH: A study – it’s more like a small library. (Then cries startled:) Debsy, you Delilah! Rhet, you rat! You’re, you’re kissing. What are you doing?

  (There are sharp intakes of breath as RHET and DEBSY part awkwardly.)

  RHET: You’ve just answered your own question, old boy.

  DEBSY: Trench, I can explain.

  TRENCH: Debsy, we are amongst books – so I am quite capable of reading the situation. And from now on, I think it’s best we return to being simply colleagues.

  (TRENCH storms out. Breathing heavily, he stops in the hall. DEBSY catches him up.)

  DEBSY: Trench, wait. I said I can explain – and I will.

  TRENCH: All right – explain then.

  DEBSY: (Who takes a deep breath.) You’re not gonna believe this – even I’m struggling… Well, here goes: Rhet and I were just studying the library – I mean librarying the study, no I mean…

  TRENCH: Debsy, I know what you mean.

  DEBSY: That’s a relief, at least one of us does. Anyway, then Mandrake joined us for a moment – I’ve forgot what he talked about, but his eyes… stared a lot. After that, it’s all a bit of a daze – until you caught me and Rhet red handed…

  TRENCH: Incredible – so, your ‘defence’ is that you were somehow ‘hypnotised’?

  DEBSY: Err, yes – a hypnotic victim! I knew you wouldn’t believe me.

  TRENCH: I don’t know which one of us the craziest – but yes, for some bizarre reason, I do believe you Debs.

  DEBSY: Oh, brill! (She flings her arms around TRENCH.)

  TRENCH: You can let go now.

  DEBSY: Oh… right. (She lets go.) I have one more guilty secret to admit to which you’re not going to like…

  TRENCH: They’re coming thick and fast… What is it this t
ime then?

  DEBSY: I visited Old Tom.

  TRENCH: (Says angrily:) You did what?

  DEBSY: Don’t panic – he wasn’t there. Let me explain… again – while my boyfriend Rhet, sorry only joking.

  TRENCH: Don’t push it.

  DEBSY: Anyway while Rhet searched for the rat on the first floor, I thought I saw the rodent scamper up the spiral steps. I followed and ended up in Old Tom’s tower room. The rat was nowhere to be seen, but neither was your Old Tom.

  TRENCH: He must have been in the en-suite bathroom.

  DEBSY: Maybe, but I called his name and there was no reply. I did, though, see his armchair – it was still warm, you know.

  TRENCH: It would be – that’s where he usually sits. Right, I suppose I’d better go and beat M and M at Bridge.

  DEBSY: M and M? Oh, I see – Mandrake and Marlowe.

  TRENCH: Fancy partnering me?

  DEBSY: No, thanks – I’m going to lie down for a bit. These strange castles really take it out of you.

  (DEBSY walks through the hall, and up the stone steps. TRENCH walks back into the drawing room.)

  TRENCH: Sade, you’re on all fours – what are you doing?

  SADE: I’ve lost my wristband, must be here somewhere…

  TRENCH: Here, let me help…

  SADE: No, it’s all right – I can manage.

  TRENCH: Here it is – I’ve found it. Now, let me do the honour of putting your band back on. (Momentarily, TRENCH recoils in shock.) I’m sorry – your wrist, such a terrible scar.

  SADE: Thank-you. (She quickly puts her wristband back on.) Now you know why I wear a wristband.

  TRENCH: Err, I came in here to see if you’ll join me, playing Bridge – will you?

  SADE: Yes, Trench – I will.

  (Thoughtful, disturbing music changes the scene.)

  MANDRAKE: So, we are agreed: Best of three Rubbers and as I have dealt, I shall make the opening bid. One Spade.

  TRENCH: I’ll say: One No Trumps.

  MANDRAKE: Interesting overcall, Trench. Marlowe…

  MARLOWE: Sorry Master – Pass. (There is a moment’s silence.)

  MANDRAKE: Sade, your bid please – in your own time.

  SADE: I was somewhere else. Right, I’ll Pass.

  MANDRAKE: Four Spades.

  TRENCH: What? Straight to game with no support from your partner, Mandrake? Your over-confidence is bordering on the arrogance.

  MANDRAKE: Arrogance is only arrogance when not backed by strength. By the way, Trench – I have just come down from having a very long chat with old Thomas.