The Armchair Detective The Early Years (Special Editions)

by Ian Shimwell

  TRENCH: (Sounds worried.) Really?

  MANDRAKE: Despite Thomas’ reticence on the subject, we talked at great lengths about the Old Days. We had an awful amount of catching up to do… I think it’s marvellous to discuss the past with a dear old friend, don’t you?

  TRENCH: Maybe, but does Old Tom?

  MANDRAKE: Back now to Bridge, if there are no more bids? No, then you are the dummy, Marlowe – and you are to play the opening lead, Trench – with my good old self in total control…

  (TRENCH places his cards down.)

  TRENCH: Ace of spades. This is one contract, Mandrake that you will fail to honour.

  MANDRAKE: Nonsense. (MARLOWE carefully displays his cards for all to see.) Thank-you partner. I can already confidently predict that my contract will now be more than successful.

  TRENCH: I’m afraid not. (TRENCH throws his cards in.) The contract will fail because I withdraw from the game – I’m going to see Old Tom instead.

  (TRENCH gets up to leave.)

  MANDRAKE: Spoilsport.

  (TRENCH runs up the stone steps – and then up the spiral staircase. Slightly breathless, he enters OLD TOM’s room.)

  TRENCH: Old Tom, Old Tom – are you all right?

  OLD TOM: Of course I am.

  TRENCH: But Mandrake’s been up here talking to you alone.

  OLD TOM: Yes, we did chat for a while. What is wrong, Trench?

  TRENCH: I was… err worried, I suppose.

  OLD TOM: That is what he wanted you to be. Now, calm down; sit down – and I’ll pour the tea while you tell me what’s been going on.

  (The sound of OLD TOM pouring the tea merges into mysterious music, as time passes on a little bit.)

  OLD TOM: Very interesting, Trench. But like this biscuit, I will need a little time to digest the information before I solve Mandrake’s mystery.

  TRENCH: But there’s no mystery here, only how he will break me or Debsy to get to you.

  OLD TOM: Possibly… Mandrake, the master manipulator – the grand puppeteer, pulling all the strings from behind the scenes…

  TRENCH: You mean, mine and Debsy’s ‘friendship’ was also part of his plan?

  OLD TOM: Why else put you together in the same room? Even your ‘break-up’ was no doubt engineered by yours truly.

  TRENCH: Through hypnotising Debsy?

  OLD TOM: Hypnotic suggestion, more likely… But the big question is – before this weekend is out, will Mandrake succeed..?

  (The door opens.)

  MANDRAKE: Of course Mandrake will succeed, but at what old friend?

  OLD TOM: You know only too well ‘old friend’…

  MANDRAKE: Do I, now?

  TRENCH: All this plotting, Mandrake. Can’t you leave the past where it belongs… in the past?

  OLD TOM: Yes, what is the point of destroying another life just to hurt me?

  MANDRAKE: Like you destroyed Eleanor?

  OLD TOM: That’s not fair. (OLD TOM takes a heavy breath.) But maybe in some part it is…

  MANDRAKE: The past, my dear friend, has a habit of catching up with us all…

  OLD TOM: Your words are a cloud, Mandrake – but obscuring what I wonder? Like this Edwardian castle, your argument is only a façade – a diversion. And by your smug, self-satisfying expression, you are about to succeed…

  MANDRAKE: Come now, Thomas – are you not still barking up the wrong tree?

  OLD TOM: Barking? Of course, that’s it. All the time, I thought Trench and Debsy were the target but really… Trench, you must hurry.

  TRENCH: I’m not sure I follow.

  OLD TOM: What would hurt me more than anything? If an innocent was broken.

  (In the distance, we can hear growling, barking dogs.)

  OLD TOM: Who’s mortally afraid of dogs? Who’s most likely been horrifically scarred by one? Come on, think Trench think.

  TRENCH: Sade! I must go to her.

  MANDRAKE: Don’t let me stand in your way.

  OLD TOM: But you will be too late – even this must have been planned, unless… How did you originally enter my room, Mandrake? Trench, you said the bookcase behind me looked out of place. Pick a book out.

  TRENCH: Which one?

  MANDRAKE: Little Red Riding Hood?

  OLD TOM: Now, which was your favourite book at the institute, Mandrake? Yes, now I remember… Les Liaisons dangereuses, find that book and pull it out, Trench – quickly!

  TRENCH: Ah yes, here it is. (TRENCH withdraws the book, a hidden mechanism makes a grinding sound.) A secret passageway!

  MANDRAKE: Bravo, you haven’t lost your famous technique, after all – have you old Thomas? But, you will still be too late.

  OLD TOM: Not if you hurry Trench – so hurry!

  TRENCH: I am!

  (TRENCH runs down the spiral steps in the secret passageway… and comes out in the drawing room. We hear the door mechanism close behind TRENCH. We can hear the dogs in the hallway, now very loud, barking, growling and slavering.)

  TRENCH: Sade, it’s all right. (Then says unconvincingly:) The dogs will not harm you.

  SADE: (Who’s almost hysterical.) Don’t let them in, Daddy. The teeth… they’ll…

  TRENCH: Calm Sade – I won’t let them in, I promise.

  (TRENCH stands in the doorway.)

  MARLOWE: Move aside from the doorway, Trench – Master’s dogs wish to greet Sade.

  TRENCH: I’m staying put, Marlowe.

  MARLOWE: The dogs will not harm Sade, but I will make sure they will tear you to pieces – now move.

  TRENCH: No, but they will break Sade, mentally – so if the dogs still want to enter the drawing room, they will have to get through me first.

  MARLOWE: Very well. Dogs… attack!

  (The dogs growl very deeply as they prepare to attack… but then suddenly they begin to whimper and howl in fright.)

  MARLOWE: Attack, I ordered – what is wrong with you mutts?

  (TRENCH starts laughing.)

  TRENCH: The rat! The fearsome hounds from hell are scared… of a rat! The little blighter must have followed me from the secret passageway where it must have been hiding all along.

  (MANDRAKE comes downstairs.)

  MANDRAKE: Marlowe, what are my dogs doing inside my castle? Remove them at once. I will punish you later for your insubordination.

  MARLOWE: But you ordered… Sorry, yes, Master.

  (MARLOWE leaves, taking the still whimpering dogs with him.)

  MANDRAKE: I trust no one is harmed here, mentally or otherwise?

  SADE: (Says shakily, but determined:) Thanks to Trench here, I’m all right.

  TRENCH: You really should thank rat though, he saved you really.

  MANDRAKE: I will personally thank the rodent later – now is there anything else I can do for you good people?

  TRENCH: Yes, the storm has finally subsided – and I think it’s high time we all went home.

  MANDRAKE: As you wish, Trench. (Then roars:) Marlowe, fetch the horses.

  (Breathless, DEBSY enters the scene.)

  DEBSY: Have I missed anything?

  (Reflective music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: That tea was lovely, Old Tom – cold, but lovely. So, what does it feel like being back in your old armchair?

  OLD TOM: What do you think?

  TRENCH: It was a remarkable weekend, though.

  OLD TOM: Yes, the culmination of Mandrake’s extraordinarily complex and intricate plan. You almost have to admire him. Who would suspect that a person in his former employee would be his intended victim?

  TRENCH: You did, just.

  OLD TOM: Mandrake must have found out about Sade’s childhood fear of dogs, which was probably due to being savaged by one when she was little.

  TRENCH: Her scarred wrist.

  OLD TOM: And his intention all the time was to use that to break her – to break me. Social engineering on a breath-taking scale… And if you were mauled in the process Trench, then that would have been an added bonus.

&nb
sp; TRENCH: Thanks. But at least that means Mandrake was not manipulating me and Debsy after all.

  OLD TOM: I am afraid he was. You were his diversion; his red herring to shift attention from his real victim.

  TRENCH: The devious son of a… rat. Oh, by the way – I took rat home as a thank-you to the little furry one. I dread to think what Mandrake would have done to rat – if he’d got his hands on him.

  OLD TOM: You will have to bring your new pet here sometime… for a visit. Now, back to you two, how are… err things with you and Debsy at the moment?

  TRENCH: Oh, we’ve agreed to be just friends for the time being – and still colleagues of course.

  OLD TOM: I understand.

  TRENCH: You know, looking round your flat, Old Tom, out of the long vendetta with Mandrake – one thing is certain. He lives in a lavish castle with land and servants and everything, while you live here in a grubby… err very modest flat. Your financial fortunes are as extreme as your personalities. Now, why is that?

  OLD TOM: After… what happened in the Old Days – I could not bring myself to enjoy the trappings of money or anything really. Guilt almost consumed me. I chose to live in a council flat, drinking cold tea and eating stale bread. Call it a form of self-punishment, if you like. But now, I’m that used to it, I wouldn’t have it any other way…

  TRENCH: Can you tell me how Eleanor died?

  OLD TOM: Eleanor dead? I’m afraid you are mistaken, dear fellow. Eleanor is very much alive, but sadly her tragedy is an unending one.

  TRENCH: And by your tone, I won’t press you further on the subject…

  OLD TOM: You exhibit great understanding at times, Trench.

  TRENCH: Thanks. So, the Armchair Detective has survived the castle of Mandrake?

  OLD TOM: Yes, but so has Mandrake also.

  TRENCH: Do you think he’ll be back… to haunt you?

  OLD TOM: Without a doubt. Whether it’s six months or six years, only time will tell. Best thing to do – is to forget about him completely.

  TRENCH: Old Tom, the dark clouds have finally been chased away. Do you fancy coming out for a walk with me in the warm sunshine?

  OLD TOM: Very kind of you to offer, Trench – but, if it’s all the same to you, I would rather stay put – right here, in my favourite armchair.

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  Series Three

  The

  Armchair

  Detective

  At

  Christmas

  INTRODUCTION

  This Christmas time,

  Things are not all fine.

  For there's trouble at Devlin's Department Store,

  And it all seems to centre on the first floor.

  Where strangely, one can hear a cuckoo chime...

  T'is the season to be jolly.

  And Old Tom must crack the case, before he can hang up his holly.

  Cast List

  TRENCH

  OLD TOM

  DEBSY

  EDITOR LAW

  BRIDGES

  DEVLIN

  GELDA

  GERARD

  Act One

  OPENING MYSTERY MUSIC

  OLD TOM: Come in, young man, the door is open.

  (TRENCH enters the living room.)

  TRENCH: Old Tom, it’s nearly Christmas, yet I can’t see a single decoration. Not even a sprig of holly.

  OLD TOM: I don’t really do Christmas.

  TRENCH: I see – bar humbug and all that.

  OLD TOM: Trench, you are holding two things behind your back – what are they?

  TRENCH: You can’t possibly see from your armchair old timer – so how could you know?

  OLD TOM: (Says smugly:) I assume I am right, then?

  TRENCH: Infuriatingly – yes. How?

  OLD TOM: Easy as one, two, three, Trenchy. One – you have normally sat down by now. Two – both your arms are still firmly behind your back. And Three – the slight strain on your usual pretty face all indicate you are hiding two things. Now, show me.

  TRENCH: Oh, all right then. I apologise for the first one – it was Debsy’s idea.

  OLD TOM: A Christmas present – and so beautifully wrapped up. I am glad to see you are listening to Debsy more these days. If you don’t mind though – I will wait until Christmas Day before opening it.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) And I thought you didn’t do Christmas… (Then says normally:) Whatever. And I’ve brought rat to see you – even though he’s sleeping. In fact he’s…

  OLD TOM: …as quiet as a mouse.

  TRENCH: Hah, yes – very good.

  OLD TOM: The cage is a bit small though.

  TRENCH: Oh don’t worry, this is just his mobile home.

  OLD TOM: Right to business, Trench – I assume there is some? And please sit down – you are making the place untidy.

  TRENCH: Oh, right.

  (TRENCH places the rat cage down and sits down.)

  TRENCH: Now, Old Tom – what you’re really asking is: Do I have a Christmas mystery for you?

  OLD TOM: Well, do you?

  TRENCH: More of a Christmas conundrum really.

  (OLD TOM breathes heavily in frustration.)

  TRENCH: All right, all right, I’ll tell you. Devlin’s Department Store in town had a sudden power loss a few days ago.

  OLD TOM: There could be any number of uninteresting explanations for that.

  TRENCH: Ah well, but the Stokeham Herald has exclusively discovered that the main power cable was cut clean through.

  OLD TOM: Sabotage then.

  TRENCH: Which resulted in the store losing an afternoon’s trading – just when the busy Christmas shopping sprees are starting.

  OLD TOM: So, the questions that springs to mind are ‘who?’ and ‘why?’

  TRENCH: Perhaps someone just wanted to save on the electricity bill… Like you, for instance – it’s freezing in here.

  OLD TOM: Heating breeds bugs.

  TRENCH: Anyway, I’ll look into it.

  OLD TOM: But not before you have made us both a nice cup of cold tea to err… warm us up.

  (Light mystery music changes the scene.)

  (TRENCH is pulling and cutting sellotape as he finishes off wrapping his present.)

  DEBSY: Trench, you’ve wrapped it beautifully – with a fancy ribbon and everything. What’s gone wrong?

  TRENCH: Very funny, Debsy.

  DEBSY: Is it for me?

  TRENCH: No, it’s my Christmas present for Luke.

  DEBSY: Oh Luke, now I see. No I don’t – who’s Luke, a secret love child by any chance?

  TRENCH: Not quite. Luke is your predecessor Sally-Anne’s and her partner John’s love child, I mean baby boy. Although, by now – he’ll be more than a toddler. I’ll be sending the toy onto London.

  DEBSY: Toy? What is it?

  TRENCH: I don’t know – you’re more like the little kid. All right, it’s a combine-harvester, if you must know.

  DEBSY: I’ll be grown up now – and say: isn’t that slightly unusual?

  TRENCH: Father Christmas gave me a combine-harvester when I was little – it was the most marvellous, wondrous present I’d ever received. I played with it for many, many hours. I just thought that Luke might like one too.

  DEBSY: Good job I don’t know him then – I would have only sent him a skipping rope!

  (The office door opens.)

  EDITOR LAW: Are you two busy? Good, I’m glad you’re not. I’ve a job for you both.

  DEBSY: Hang on, I’ve still to finish my Scrooge award for bosses. I hate to say it, Editor Law – but you are very near the top of my list…

  EDITOR LAW: I’ll ignore that last comment.

  TRENCH: And I still have to delve into Devlin’s Department Store.

  EDITOR LAW: Good, because it concerns that story. I’ve just had Devlin himself on the ‘phone – another incident has occurred at the store.

  TRENCH: What’s happened now?

  EIDTOR LAW: Somebody somehow managed to jam the doors
to the first floor – it took them hours to force them open.

  TRENCH: More lost trade, at the busiest time of year…

  EDITOR LAW: Quite so.

  DEBSY: What about the lift?

  EDITOR LAW: Oh, that worked perfectly, Deborah –but didn’t help. You still have to walk through the glass doors – after coming out of the lift.

  TRENCH: And the fire doors?

  EDITOR LAW: Well, you can look into that one.

  DEBSY: What do you mean?

  EDITOR LAW: The good news is: I’ve secured you both temporary part-time Christmas jobs!

  TRENCH: I’m sorry, but I absolutely refuse to be the in-store Santa Claus.

  DEBSY: And I’m no elf! Or Santa’s little helper come to that.

  EDITOR LAW: Don’t worry. Trench, you are going to be a store security guard.

  TRENCH: Do I get to wear a uniform?

  EDITOR LAW: Yes.

  TRENCH: I accept!

  EDITOR LAW: And you Deborah will be the store detective.

  DEBSY: Great! I’ll be working undercover as a store detective, who is working undercover as a normal shopper…

  TRENCH: I’d prefer it Debs, if you just worked under a cover.

  DEBSY: Hah, hah.

  EDITOR LAW: Enough – your purpose is to find out who has a grudge against Devlin’s Department Store.

  TRENCH: Do you owe this Devlin a favour or something, Editor Law? Got it! You play golf with him.

  EDITOR LAW: No, but I have shared a few rounds with one of his uncles. And, naturally the Stokeham Herald will have exclusive rights to the resulting story.

  TRENCH: I knew it.

  DEBSY: And who’ll be doing our job while we’re… err working undercover? Will it be you, sir?

  EDITOR LAW: The beauty of you only being at the store part-time is that you’ll have plenty of time to come back here and catch up with your proper job as well.

  DEBSY: (Says sarcastically:) Wonderful.

  (Whimsical, Christmas-type music changes the scene.)

  (We hear the till roles ringing and the customers rummaging inside Devlin’s Department Store.)

  TRENCH: Can I help you, madam?