by Kitty Berry
Mac takes me back to the gym and shows me a door off to the side. I noticed it earlier but assumed it was a bathroom. It’s a huge dance space similar to my studio in the city. It has floor to ceiling mirrors on three walls and the third is painted a soft purple. There are speakers inset into the ceiling along with the recessed lighting. Mac grabs a remote and presses a button. “Miss Independent” assaults my senses. Mac smiles at me, “Perfect song, don’t you agree?” he asks as he sits down in a chair.
I honestly have no idea what comes over me, maybe it’s the adrenaline from the workout or the shock of the last few days but I start to dance. Not just any dance either. I start to roll my hips and strut around Mac sitting in the chair. It quickly turns into a lap dance, one of the best lap dances I have ever given I might add. I never take an item of clothing off but by the reaction I am clearly getting from Mac it’s not necessary. I never break eye contact with him while I am dancing in front of him. When I move behind him I run my hands over his bare chest and feel as his nipples tighten and pucker under my touch. I have been thinking about running my hands over his head and now’s my chance. I slowly rub both hands over his head and down to his shoulders where I start to massage him. It’s weird to run my hands over his tight hair, I’m so used to Tate’s long silky hair, the hair I remind myself my best friend had been running her hands through too.
I push all thoughts of Tate out of my mind and I come back around to face Mac. I stand in front of him and slowly lift my leg to his shoulder never losing my balance. I grind a few times before I take my leg down and turn around. I sit on his lap facing away from him and place my hands on his thighs. I am careful not to sit back too far on his lap knowing that he must be fully aroused by now, I know I am. Mac never touches me, he’s careful to keep his hands hanging down by his sides. I lean over to the ground then slither off of him and across the floor. I do a few rolls and turns on the ground then work my way back to a stand. I end by strutting towards him again and this time while I look at him I steal another glance at his lap. The bulge in his pants before was just him, this bulge is like nothing I have seen before, he’s clearly aroused. When I get close the song changes to “What Makes you Beautiful” and I look up at Mac, I think I see something in his eyes, maybe desire but I can’t be sure.
I climb onto his lap, this time I sit facing him with my legs open and I position myself directly on him and for the first time I feel his hardness under me. He lets out his breathe that he’s apparently been holding and I slowly close my eyes as he puts his hands on my waist to shift me on his lap. He moves his hands onto my face and our lips barely brush each other’s. His lips are smooth and soft and after that first gentle brushing he licks his lips to make them moist then he goes in for the kill. Our lips touch and Mac separates my lips with his tongue. It quickly begins to explore my mouth in search of mine. When our tongues meet for the first time my stomach does a flip and I know Mac must get the same feeling because he lets out a moan into my mouth that makes my stomach tightened and my sex start to throb. But then he breaks our kiss.
“Brook, I’m sorry. I never should have done that. I…we can’t. I mean, I want…but…I’m sorry” Mac says as he starts to stand up making me stand with him. He tries to adjust himself and hide his erection but it’s impossible so he gently kisses my cheek and turns to walk away. I grab his hand.
“I should be the one to apologize Mac; I should never have done that. I know you are just doing your job and trying to be nice to me but I know for you this is just professional.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. That was the best fucking lap dance I have ever had” he says with a hint of humor in his voice. “And I told you before I am not working anymore; I’m with you because I want to be. I want to be sure you’re safe and alright with everything that has happened. I am amazed and flattered right now but we can’t do this. Not yet, not now. You need to process what’s happened first, if we did this now I would feel like I was taking advantage of you.”
Mac pushes my hair behind my ear and kisses me on the cheek. I look up and smile sadly at him. “You have no idea how amazing you are. You can’t see yourself the way the rest of the world sees you. When you’re ready Brook, I’ll show you how amazing and beautiful you are, the way I see you. When you’re ready.”
He smiles at me as he walks out of the dance space and I sit on the floor right where I was standing. I can’t process all of this at once. My entire life has been based on a lie and now this incredible man is standing in front of me telling me he has feelings for me and is willing to wait till I’m ready. Is that what just happened? A second chance at happiness?
Chapter 11: New Beginnings
I walk out of the room trying to remain cool and collected in front of Brook but once out of her sight I run up the stairs taking them two at a time. I have to put some space between us or I can’t be responsible for my actions. It took every fiber of my being back there to stop kissing her. I still can’t believe I told her we needed to stop. I have no fucking idea what has come over me. I was just given the best lap dance of my life by a woman who never even took off her clothes and I tell her we need to stop. I have the hardest boner I’ve had in a long time and yet I decided to walk away from her. I must be out of my fucking mind. I storm into my room and flop down on my bed, the way I see it I have three choices: my second cold shower of the day, whacking off or going back down there and telling her I was wrong and we should start fucking right there, right now. I like the third option the best but I know I can’t do that to her. I was right, she isn’t ready and we’ll both end up hurt if we start something now. I need to just let her work out her feelings about Tate and Asia and once that’s resolved I’ll be there for her, to help her pick up the pieces and nurse her wounds.
I think about option two but decide to suck it up and spend the day with blue balls. I throw on a bathing suit and just as I am heading out for a swim I hear a noise from downstairs. I’m not sure what it is, it could be Brook’s music up too loud or maybe she’s crying but the hairs on the back of my neck stick up making me grab my gun from the counter and run down the stairs.
When I enter the dance room she’s alone and fine. Well, she was fine until I busted through the door with my gun drawn on her. She looks up at me startled with those big eyes of hers and I relax and put my gun away.
“I thought I heard you scream or something. I apologize, I’ll leave you alone.”
I start to walk away but she yells, “No, wait, I need you. Can you dance?”
She says she’s trying to choreograph a routine and needs a partner to work through some parts. I can move but dance like her, not so much. I tell her I’ll try because I’ll do anything to be near her.
When Mac leaves I start to scroll through the songs I purchased on iTunes earlier. None of them were speaking to me in my room but now, after working out and that kiss I am starting to see things more clearly. I decide to start with “Cry Me a River”. It should say it all to Tate. When I listen to it I know that just listening isn’t enough for me to feel the emotions I need to so I decide to start dancing. As I am thinking “All I need is a partner” Mac bursts through the door and agrees to step in.
“I promise this isn’t like the last dance. I never should have…”
“No, it was great. I mean it was my fault I shouldn’t have…”
“Okay let’s just forget it okay? Here, stand here. Let’s see if you can follow this. ”
We spend the next two hours dancing. Well, we laugh more than we dance because Mac can move but learning choreograph is not his forte. He is strong and can lift and throw me with ease but his timing is not on and that makes for bumps and crashes. I’m a little uncomfortable when I rub up against him or lean in for a kiss that doesn’t happen. He’s a good sport about it but after two hours when I say we should call it a day he stays down in the gym and lifts weights for another hour.
I return to my room and start to edit the letter I started earlier for Tat
e…
Tate,
I want you to know that I am safe and doing fine no thanks to you. I cannot give you any more details than that and to be honest you don’t even deserve that much. I am confused and saddened by the recent turn of events. But if I’m being completely honest I’m not surprised. Why should I be? I have been waiting for this moment to happen since the day we met. I guess after all this time I had finally started to believe you that I was the only one you wanted, silly me. I can’t help but wonder how many others there were, when it all started, but something tells me I don’t want the answer to that.
Listen to the enclosed CD, we have always communicated best through music and I think this first song is a good place to start.
Do not try to find or contact me, I will obtain legal representation shortly and be in touch with you through them.
Brooklynn
Once I start I can’t stop. I head back down to the dance space and notice on my way through that Mac is no longer lifting weights. I briefly wonder where he’s gone before I hit play and Adele’s “Turning Tables” comes on.
I picture a couple standing behind a table; I need a table so I go in search of one. There is another door next to the one for the bathroom and I give it a try to see if it’s open. It’s a storage room and I find a table that will serve my purpose. I pull it into the dance space and stand behind it trying to let my creative juices start to flow again. I want to use my fists to pound the shit out of the table, take all of my frustrations out on it. I lean back on the table and look at myself in the mirror. I wish I had a partner again. Maybe I should go and see where Mac has gone off to. I can picture him kind of rolling so he’d go from lying on the table to standing in front of me, then pinning me down on the table.
In my head I am picturing doing this dance with Mac because he is the one here with me but my anger is at Tate and I need to make my mind focus on him and feel that pain. I know I’m trying to avoid it but I also know that if I want to move on I have to face it. Maybe I should do what I would do professionally and remove myself from it, see it as a couple I am choreographing for even though the story I am telling is very much my own.
I see a girl push at a boy who has rolled on the table and is standing in front of her, a tug of war begins. They leap and turn around the space until they are back at the tables where the girl goes under the table and the boy lays defeated for a moment on the table. They reach out their hands to touch palms and then the boy pulls the girl from under the table and swings her onto the table. She turns her back on him for a brief minute and in that time he betrays her and pushes her off the table like it’s a cliff she’s free falling straight down. They meet back at the table but she won’t move close enough to him to allow them to touch. They lean back on the table again; get into a tug of war ending with the girl being pinned under the boy again behind the table. As the fight grows more aggressive they flip the table and the girl walks away.
I want to see this routine with a couple but the best I’ll be able to have is Mac and I doing it later but for now I need to go back to my room and process my work. There is still no sign of Mac on my way through the house.
As I am starting to think of the next song to add to the playlist Mac knocks on my door and asks me if I want to join him down on the beach for dinner. I tell him I’ll meet him down there shortly. I take a fast shower and put my wet hair up in a loose bun at the nape of my neck. I throw a cute yellow sundress on over my head, grab a pair of yellow flowered flip flops and head out the slider. I find Mac drinking a beer and lounging in a chair at the water’s edge. He looks relaxed and refreshed. He smells clean and fresh, like he just got out of the shower too. He hands me a beer and points to the Adirondack chair next to him.
Mac and I sit in silence for a long time just enjoying the sound of the surf and the beauty of the sun starting it’s decent. I break the silence when I ask Mac about his childhood. I can see by the faraway look on his face that it’s not his favorite topic of discussion.
“If you’d rather not, it’s alright. I didn’t mean to pry into your private life” I say letting him off the hook.
“No, its fine, it’s only fair actually. I know almost everything about you. You have every right to ask the same of me. There’s just some shit that’s hard to talk about that’s all.”
Mac starts by telling me that he was raised by his grandparents. His mom was a wealthy rich girl who got involved with a guy from the streets who was in and out of trouble with gangs and drugs. His grandfather did not handle the news of her pregnancy very well; he was a military man and saw it as a complete lack of respect for him.
“My father, if you can call him that, I never met him, refused to marry my mother even after I was born. Then one night when I was only a little over a year my mother went out with him to a club. My grandparents told me when I was older that someone had called a hit out on my father and my mother got caught up in the cross fire. Both of them were killed. I was too young to even remember her. My grandparents raised me and they were great. I did have a happy childhood.”
Mac went to military schools growing up then to West Point before the Marines. His grandfather was proud of him for all of his accomplishments in the Military; he never missed an award ceremony or a deployment day. When Mac joined the Special Operations unit shortly after 9/11 his grandfather was there supporting his decision. Mac continues to tell me that his grandparents have both passed away and his only family is the people he works with. He says he misses them every day. His decision to retire after this last case was a hard one but he says he felt like it was time.
“What will you do with your time?” I inquire.
“I don’t know. I’d like to have a place like this to come to and relax for a while and maybe a place in the city. I’ve always loved the energy of the city. I’d like to have a family some day. I don’t know. I think I’ll always consult for the government and maybe even take on a job or two for them here and there. I haven’t given it all that much thought. How about you, what are your plans? Have you given it any thought?”
I have started to give it some thought and I know I have to ask him for this no matter how embarrassing it is. So I take a deep breath and begin, “Um, Mac is there a doctor I can see? I’ve been thinking that I should probably be tested for, you know, things in light of my husband’s indiscretions. Then after that I need a lawyer. I’m leaving him. I don’t want to hear any more excuses or lies from him, it’s over and I have to accept that and move on.”
I know that Tate is never going to accept this or go down without a fight so I also ask Mac if we can stay here longer than he had originally planned. I don’t want Tate to be able to find me until I am strong enough to resist him. Mac looks pleased and says that Jonesie, his ex-partner who owns this place will be thrilled. He and his wife are due on the island soon.
Mac says he’ll arrange for a doctor to be here later in the day tomorrow after our workout and that he’ll arrange for a lawyer to speak to me later in the week. Mac said he’ll help me anyway he can and that I am welcomed to all the evidence he collected for Ted as evidence against Tate. I’m not sure what I want to do about our assets. I don’t want our house in Connecticut and our apartment in the city was Tate’s Nana’s and I could never take that. I also want no part of our business. I think maybe at some point I’ll want to open my own studio in the city and run workshops and choreograph but not yet, I’ll need time away from all of it, away from my old life with Tate.
Mac and I spend the next few hours wrapped in blankets eating hotdogs and roasting marshmallows by fire light. I tell him about my childhood, about Katrina and Michael and Tate. Tate was my adolescence, my college years, my adult life. I still can’t believe those days were based on lies. It’s weird, I know in my heart that I still love him and I always will but I am so mad, hurt and disgusted I can’t see through that at the moment. And it’s not the “out of sight out of mind” phenomenon either. I don’t know where it will go if anywhere but I
do know that at this moment in time I’d like to explore the possibilities that Mac has to offer.
Mac continues on about his days as a child. He tells me that it was difficult to fit in. He moved around a lot being in a military family so making and keeping friends was not easy. It was hard on him at the time being bi-racial. He said he never felt white or black. He was being raised as a white child with a white family but he was always darker skinned than everyone else who had white parents. All the white kids had different hair than he did. But he also didn’t fit in with the black kids at school either. They didn’t accept him with his lighter skin and he was being raised in a white household. It wasn’t until the Marines that he felt accepted for who he was and that was a solider not a race.
