A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  He went to hand me the coffee and I put my hand up. “I don’t want it.”

  I got up as quickly as my aching body would allow. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I cringed when I heard him getting up and walking into the kitchen behind me. I tried my best to ignore him as I stretched to reach for the Advil in the cabinet. Every move I made took my breath away. He reached around me and grabbed the bottle with ease. I snatched it from his hand, unable to even look at him. My anger only intensified when I looked down at the bruising on my wrist. Thankfully, I was off for the next two days so I was hoping that my back would be feeling a little better by then. I knew that the bruising would still be on my wrist, and that was going to be a hard one to explain to everyone at work.

  “I want to take you out to dinner tonight. Anywhere you want. I’ll make the reservations,” he said.

  I nearly choked on the sip of water that I had just taken. “You are unbelievable, you know that?! I don’t want to go anywhere with you. I can hardly walk, my wrist is all black-and-blue, and you think that a cup of coffee and a ‘sorry’ are just going to make up for that?”

  “Gabby, please. You know how I get when I drink scotch. I’m sorry, baby.”

  “Don’t ever call me that again!” I shouted.

  I went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I carefully lowered my aching body onto the lidded toilet seat, where I was planning on staying until he left for work. Tears rolled down my face just thinking about the situation I was in, knowing that I had nowhere and nobody else to turn to. I looked down at my feet and clicked my heels together, remembering how my dad would tell me to do that when things seemed too tough to handle and repeat, “There’s no place like home”, just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. The only problem with that was this was my home and it was the last place in the world I wanted to be.

  Three weeks had passed. The doctor assured me that I would have another week at the most in this place, and I was holding him to his word. Gabby had become my angel through all of this. She was the one and only thing that I looked forward to each day. I could tell that something had been bothering her over these past few weeks. As hard as she tried, she couldn't disguise the sadness in those beautiful brown eyes of hers. She really didn't speak much about her personal life. She seemed more content hearing about mine.

  I had just gotten done with physical therapy when I looked up to find Delia entering my room. “Hey there, handsome. Is your phone broken? I've been texting you like crazy.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't going to lie, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings with the truth, which was that I didn't text her back because I didn't feel like talking to her.

  She ran her hand along the side of my face. “You know, we've got a lot of catching up to do when you get out of here. I’m so sorry about the way we left things the last time we were together. I want to make it up to you.” She smiled.

  Relief swept over me when Gabby walked in with a bag of medication. “Gabby, are you ready to do the dressing change now?” I pleaded, hoping that she would pick up on it.

  “Oh, not un -.” My eyes widened and, thankfully, she finally got it. “Oh, you know, actually, yes. I'm not going to have time later so now would be great.”

  “Yeah, okay. Let’s get it over with.”

  “I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave while I do this,” Gabby said to Delia.

  Delia let out a deep breath of frustration. “Are you serious?” Gabby raised her eyebrows and nodded. “Well, what’s the big deal if I just sit here and talk to him while you do it? It’s only going to take a few minutes!”

  “Umm, no, it’s more like a few hours, and there are no visitors allowed in the room when it’s being done. Those are the hospital rules, not mine,” Gabby said in a very stern voice.

  Delia glared at Gabby, and Gabby glared right back. I tried to hold in my laughter. Delia had a good six inches on her, but there wasn’t any doubt in my mind that Gabby could take her down in a fight. She was like a pit bull…a cute, gentle, caring pit bull. Okay, maybe more like a cocker spaniel with an attitude, but if there was one thing about her I admired, it was that she didn’t take shit from anyone.

  “Well, can I at least say goodbye?!” Delia asked Gabby in a very sarcastic manner.

  “Sure!” Gabby happily replied.

  “In private!” Delia snapped.

  Gabby, no. Please tell her no! She looked at me in defeat and shrugged her shoulders. “Umm, sure. I’ll be right back to do the dressing change.” Gabby, of all the times for you to turn into a kitten!

  Delia waited until she left the room before sitting on the side of my bed. She pressed her forehead up to mine as her hands began a downward descent which, surprisingly, was having no effect on me at all. “We have to get this guy back in action before he forgets what to do!” She smiled before placing a soft kiss on my lips.

  “Ready?!” Gabby shouted as she came back into the room.

  Delia rolled her eyes at the sound of Gabby’s voice. “Call me as soon as you get out,” she said, rubbing her thumb along my cheek and placing another kiss on my lips. She got up and raised her eyebrows at Gabby.

  “‘Bye! Have a great day!” Gabby exclaimed, flashing Delia the most adorable sarcastic grin that I had ever seen.

  Delia flung her purse over her shoulder, glaring at her one last time before storming out of the room. Gabby looked at me and, once the coast was clear, we both began to laugh.

  “I think she hates me,” she said as she sat down on the side of my bed.

  “Thanks, Gabby girl. I owe you one for that.”

  “Why didn’t you want to see her?” she asked as she began to take off my old dressing.

  “It’s complicated. Let’s just say I grew tired of her.”

  She nodded. “And all of these other women that have been visiting you over the past few weeks? You’re not tired of them?”

  “They’re okay. I mean, I’m not in love with any of them. They serve a purpose.” I grinned.

  “Got ya!” Gabby said with a shake of her head. “Are you afraid to fall in love, Will? Is that why you don’t want to narrow it down to just one?”

  “Falling in love is a fuckin’ joke! I get that it’s okay for some people and it works, but for me, it aint ever gonna happen. I love my life the way it is. I don’t have to answer to anyone and I still reap the benefits.”

  She creased her forehead. “Hmm…I guess that makes some sense. Kinda.”

  “Are you happy being in love, Gabby?” She looked up at me with surprise as her eyes widened.

  She quickly looked away and I knew right away that I had struck a chord. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in love,” she answered, finally meeting my eyes again.

  “Well, what about your boyfriend? You’re not in love with him?”

  She shook her head and I could tell that it was taking everything inside of her to not cry. “No, it’s more of a convenience type of thing.” I stared at her, waiting for her to elaborate, but she just changed the subject completely.

  As I listened to her go on and on about all of the new movies coming out over the weekend, I couldn’t help but wonder what was really going on in that pretty little head of hers. For the first time since I had known her, she looked weak and vulnerable. My mind quickly shifted back to the bruising on her wrist just a few weeks ago. She had just dismissed it as nothing and changed the subject, the same way that she had done just now. My stomach felt absolutely sick and I was hoping that my suspicions were wrong. I don’t know why, but I felt this underlying need to protect her. She was my Gabby girl, my angel, and if anyone was hurting her, I would kill them.

  I rushed around my apartment, readying myself for my unwanted breakfast date with my mother. I had been avoiding her for weeks, but I knew that I couldn’t anymore. The only positive out of this was that it would alleviate me from having to see her again for a few more months. Will was being released this afternoon. I was off for the weekend, bu
t I was planning on going to the hospital to see him before he left.

  Evan was going to his uncle’s summer house in the Hamptons for his family’s annual Labor Day weekend picnic. It had been one month since our altercation and I still wasn’t really speaking to him. I slept on the pull out sofa every night, tried my best to customize my schedule at work to be opposite his, and was doing anything that I could to avoid him. I had looked at some apartments in my price range, but they were all one step away from living in squalor. Still, part of me couldn’t help but think it had to be better than my current situation.

  He was taking forever in the bathroom. I needed to get in and brush my teeth if I was going to meet my mother on time so I squeezed into the tiny bathroom to grab my toothbrush while he was shaving. An annoying breath escaped his chest. I took my toothbrush and toothpaste, and headed to the kitchen sink. Even though it grossed me out a bit, it still beat being anywhere near him.

  I wiped the toothpaste from my mouth just as he was coming from the bathroom. “Really Gabby? You couldn’t have waited two seconds? That’s disgusting, brushing your teeth in the kitchen sink.”

  I completely ignored him, cringing as I brushed against him to get into the bathroom. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back. “How long are you going to give me the silent treatment, Gabby? I said I was sorry. What more do you fuckin’ want from me? I mean, it’s been a whole month since we -.”

  “Since we what?” I finally broke my silence, unable to believe the words that were just about to escape his mouth. He stared at me blankly. “Since we what, Evan? Had sex? Do you really think that I ever want to have sex with you again?”

  “Gabby, come on.”

  As much as it killed me, I moved closer to him. “As far as I’m concerned, you and I are just roommates. And as soon as I can find a place of my own, I’m out of here. I want nothing to do with you anymore, Evan.”

  “Three fuckin’ years! I wasted three fuckin’ years on you and this is what I get for it?!”

  “Yeah. I guess it is. I don’t know what you were expecting. I’m just a piece of garbage that you lowered your standards for.” He creased his forehead in confusion. “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much if you can’t remember the hurtful things that you say afterwards. It may get you into big trouble someday.”

  He tilted his head back and rolled his eyes. “Gabby, come on! Don’t do this to us.”

  “There isn’t any more us, Evan! There hasn’t been an us for well over a year now, ever since I’ve been living with your constant put downs. I’m done. I tried to stick it out and make it work for a while, but I just can’t anymore. Just give me some time to find a place and I will be out of here. In the meantime, feel free to bring whomever you want home. I don’t care if you fuck her right in the bed that we once shared. I’ll even cook ya dinner afterwards, if you’d like.”

  His eyes narrowed. “You are such a fuckin’ bitch, you know that?”

  “Maybe I am, but it still beats being someone’s emotional and physical punching bag.” He had fire in his eyes and I was a little nervous that I had pushed him too far. I looked at him one last time before going in to my bedroom to dress. I let out a sigh of relief when I heard my apartment door close, knowing that I had escaped what could have been a very huge battle.

  I waited patiently in front of the upscale 5th Avenue restaurant that my mother had chosen for breakfast. We couldn’t just go out for bagels and coffee, or even just go to a regular diner. Instead, my mother had to choose one of the most expensive places around. I feigned a smile as her driver helped her out of her car. My mother had the best of everything. Her husband, Andre, was a big time Manhattan real estate broker, and my mother took advantage of every single perk that came along with that.

  “Gabby! Sweetheart!” she said, wrapping her arms around me as she looked me over. “Oh, sweetie, we really need to take you on a shopping spree. That skirt does nothing for you.”

  “Thanks, Mom! You look great, too!” I disguised my frustration with sarcasm.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just that you look like you’re ready to hit the beach. You know you are the girlfriend of a very up-and-coming advertising executive, so you need to dress the part. Andre told me that Evan’s firm just landed another fortune five hundred company.”

  “Oh, I really don’t know,” I said, not trying to hide my lack of enthusiasm. She gave me a questioning look. “You want to go in? You wouldn’t want this humidity to mess up your perfect hair, would you?”

  “Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. I just got a keratin treatment. Best thing ever invented. You should try it,” she said, running her fingers through her perfect coiffure.

  We were greeted by a well-dressed man who looked like he could have been a butler on some British T.V. show. “Good morning, ladies.”

  “Good morning.” My mother smiled as he grabbed the menus and led us to a row of tables that were lined up against a booth bench seat. I took a seat in the booth and my mother sat in the chair across from me.

  I looked around at the modern upscale décor and could only imagine what the price of a cheese omelet was here. That’s if they even had cheese omelets. Something told me this was one of those fancy places that had things I never even heard of or couldn’t pronounce. I opened up the menu and was pleased to see that there were some items listed that I recognized. My eyes rolled down further and I was happy to see a ham and cheese omelet…for a whopping twenty five dollars! I closed my menu right away, knowing exactly what I was going to order.

  “The Lobster Benedict on an English muffin is to die for here!”

  “Hmmm…sounds good, but I’m allergic to shellfish, remember?”

  She looked at me as if she was surprised. Of course she didn’t remember. She didn’t know anything about me growing up. It was my dad who took care of me when I swelled up like a balloon after eating crabs while she was off doing God knows what with God knows who.

  “So, what’s new, Gabby?” she asked after the waiter walked away from delivering our drinks and taking our order.

  “Nothing much. Just working a lot.”

  “Well, once you and Evan are married, you won’t have to work anymore. You will be set for life.”

  I nearly choked on the sip of orange juice that I had just taken. “Mom, Evan and I are not getting married.”

  “Well not right now, but -.”

  “Not ever!” I clarified.

  I watched as sheer panic washed over her face. “What are you talking about, Gabby? Are the two of you not together anymore?”

  “No. We’re not. I’m just staying there until I can find a place of my own. I wanted to see if Andre knew of anything in my price range.”

  My mother began to laugh hysterically. “Are you insane, Gabby? Why are you and Evan not together anymore?”

  I decided to tell her the truth. Even though I knew that Evan’s family’s money would trump being pushed around by him. “Because, Mom, I’ve decided that I don’t want to be the person in his life that he takes his frustrations out on.”

  She furrowed her brows. “What are you talking about?”

  “Evan has gotten physical with me and I’m just not going to stand for it.”

  “Physical how, Gabby? I mean, what you consider physical is probably just a tap on the shoulder to everyone else. You always were a drama queen, and your father just added to it by feeding into it. I can assure you that you will never find another guy with his good looks or money.”

  I couldn’t believe that I was even subjecting myself to this. Any normal, caring mother would immediately be there for their daughter after hearing what I had just told her. But my mother was far from normal. All she saw was the dollar signs that her prospective son-in-law came along with. And the fact that she had to drag my father into it made it that much worse. I couldn’t even pretend to want to be there anymore. I stood up and threw my napkin on the table. “You know what? I knew this was a bad idea. God forb
id you ever open that cold heart of yours and show some love. Goodbye, Mom.”

  “Gabby Lynn Spencer! Get back here!”

  When I was a little girl, I would stop dead in my tracks, knowing that I was in big trouble when she would call me by my full name. But I was no longer a child, and she was far from being a mother. I totally ignored her, counting the seconds until I reached the exit.

  “Well, well, well! Look at you!”

  My attention was quickly diverted to the familiar voice in my doorway and I had to do a double take at the girl behind it. There was no denying that it was Gabby. Her beautiful smile was all I needed to see, but she looked so different. Her long, dark hair wasn’t pulled back into a ponytail; instead, it was hanging loosely around her adorable tiny face. Her scrubs were replaced by a short black skirt and tank top. I looked her up and down and couldn’t stop my mind from thinking that she looked pretty hot!

  “Gabby girl! I thought you were off today.”

  “Well, I am, but I just had to come in and say goodbye to my favorite patient.”

  Peterson cleared his throat, waiting for an introduction. “Oh, Gabby, this is Peterson, the whole reason that I spent the past month in this place.”

  “Hey, Gabby. Actually, it’s Brian,” he said as he extended his hand to her and looked her over like a tiger stalking his prey. I had to make it clear to him that Gabby was off limits and had to get whatever preconceived notion that he had right out of his head. She wasn't your typical “hit it and quit” girl. She was special.

  “So, you're okay with the dressing change at home, right?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess.”

  “Will! I want to hear that you are one hundred percent okay with it. Let me give you my number in case you need to call me with any questions.”