Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  The doors opened to the waiting area. She saw faces, but none she recognised. Clara took a few steps forward and did another scan. She saw movement to her left and noticed Liam’s ashy blonde hair. He reached the steel barrier and he smiled up at her. That smile was too beautiful and was meant only for her. Clara looked down to see Liam holding sign written in purple crayon.

  ‘Mrs. Liam O’Connor to be.’

  Clara covered her mouth to hold back her laughter, but the sign and Liam’s boyish-grin was too much. She walked over to Liam and stopped in front of him. She let go of her suitcase and placed both her hands on the cold steel barrier.

  “I like the sign,” she commented.

  “I had help.” Liam winked and he looked down. Clinging on his right leg was a beautiful little girl with curls.

  “Hello, Clary.”

  A smile developed on Clara’s face, this little girl owned what was left of her heart. Clara moved her hands off the barrier and placed them on either side of Liam’s face. She brought his face towards hers and kissed him for all love in her. Tears threatened to spill but she held them back. She would make herself worthy of Liam. As long as he wanted to be with her then she would stay.

  “Li, can we have ice-cream?”

  Liam laughed against her lips and he pulled away. Clara’s thumb ran along his cheek before she dropped her hands from him. Clara bent down until she was level with CeCe.

  “Hello, pretty girl. How are you?”

  “I’ve missed you, Clary.” The sweetness in her voice was too adorable.

  “I’ve miss you too, little one. How about I come around and we go get you some ice cream?”

  Those blue eyes twinkled and just the purity of this little girl warmed her. The four year old removed her hands from Liam’s legs and reached out for her.

  “CeCe, Clara has to go around. She’ll be a second,” Liam said sweetly.

  CeCe look up at Liam with those big blue eyes.

  “Ahh, CeCe! Put those eyes away!” Liam folded his makeshift sign and placed it in his back pocket.

  “You don’t mind?” Liam asked.

  Clara shook her head. CeCe raised her tiny arms up at Liam and he picked her up.

  “Clary!” CeCe giggled and chimed as Liam handed her to Clara.

  She took CeCe in her arms, her cute little blonde curls bounced as CeCe wrapped her arms tightly around Clara’s neck. When she got CeCe secured, Clara grabbed the handle of her suitcase and wheeled it as she walked around the long barrier.

  “Clary, Clary, Clary!” the toddler chimed.

  Clara placed a kiss on CeCe’s cheek and the toddler broke into a fit of giggles. When they reached the end of the barrier, Liam stood there already waiting for them.

  “There’s my two favourite girls, you ready to go get that ice cream?” Liam held his arms out and CeCe went willingly. Liam placed her down, her small red shoes hitting the ground.

  CeCe held out her tiny hand and Liam took it. The sight of them could make Clara cry. The way Liam treasured his cousin’s daughter like his own daughter was simply beautiful.

  That would be him with our children.

  She froze. This was the first time she ever thought of their future together. Clara blinked as she envisioned what it would be like to be the mother of his children. She could see their children having Liam’s eyes and his beautiful smile, his kindness and his heart. It made her smile. That vision of a house in the suburbs with their beautiful children made her heart warm.

  I want that.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Engaged? No. She couldn’t be. It’s Clara… I love her.

  “Don’t fuck with me, Alex.” Noel shook his head. It couldn’t be true.

  Clara wouldn’t marry Liam. She couldn’t. It was some elaborate lie Alex conjured. His heart cemented itself. Just the thought of it being true was making him delirious. Noel looked at Alex. His best friend’s hands were in his pockets and eyes on the ground.

  “Tell me it isn’t true, Alex,” Noel begged. The pleading mirrored the pleas from the night she ended them. The despair made him feel so weak. So exposed. Alex’s pain filled and tormented eyes quickly met Noel’s.

  “Why do you even care?” Alex asked, his eyebrows meeting.

  The disgust in his voice had Noel wincing. It didn’t take him a second thought to hold back what he was about to say. “Because I love her, Alex! I love Clara. I love her more than I could ever love another woman.”

  Noel watched Alex breathe out before he charged after Noel, grabbing him by his shirt and pushing him against the wall with force.

  “Now you love her! Where was this fucking declaration four days ago, huh? You’re a coward!” Alex yelled, the anger possessing him.

  “I know, okay. You don’t think I haven’t thought about leaving Andrea and going after her. She can’t be engaged, Alex.” Noel’s head dug into the wall, the pressure Alex was putting on Noel’s chest had him pinned.

  Alex breathed out, he looked almost defeated as he released Noel’s shirt from his grasps.

  “You don’t believe me?” Alex asked as he dug into his pocket and shoved an envelope at Noel’s chest. “There’s your proof,” Alex said coldly.

  Noel held and looked at the ivory envelope, lifting the flap he removed the ivory embossed card that was inside. His muscles tensed automatically.

  You are cordially invited to share and witness the union of

  Liam Patrick O’Connor

  &

  Clara Louise Lawrence

  In Holy Matrimony on the

  23rd of September 2014.

  Noel tore his eyes off the invitation. He read it more than enough. Words failed him, along with his breathing. It was true. He remembered her yellow cardigan covering her left hand and her promise to never see him again. He could have stopped her, but he didn’t. Noel looked up to see Alex, the concern plastered all over his face. The stingy sensation in his eyes returned but Noel didn’t care. He let her slip away and this time he cemented her future with Liam. A warm tear ran down his face. Ignoring the weakness of showing his emotions in front of Alex, Noel shoved the invitation into Alex’s chest. Noel didn’t say a word as he passed Alex and walked into the kitchen.

  He walked up to one of the top kitchen cabinets and took out a bottle of vodka. He moved over to the next cabinet and took out three glasses. He turned and lined the shot glasses on the island counter and unscrewed the cap of the bottle. Noel heard the sound of Alex’s heavy footsteps enter the kitchen as he poured the clear alcohol into the glasses. Putting the bottle down, Noel lifted and threw back his first shot, the vodka slightly burning the back of his throat. He slammed it down on the counter before throwing back his second and third in quick succession.

  “You willin’ to share?” Alex asked as he approached the counter, his palms resting on the edge.

  “Thought we weren’t friends,” Noel said as he took the neck of the bottle and started to pour his next three shots.

  “No. I said we weren’t okay. Didn’t say anything about not being friends, Nolan.” Alex reached over, took a glass and threw it back just as quickly as Noel took his fourth.

  “I fucked up, Alex. I fucked up, again! You need to beat the shit out of me,” Noel pointed out.

  “Yes, you did and I hate the sight of you. My sister is getting married, Noel. And she’s not marrying you.” Alex took the bottle and placed it on his lips before taking a mouthful and then swallowing. Alex wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and walked over to the sink, tipping the bottle upside down and emptying the bottle of its contents.

  “Alex!” Noel protested.

  “You are going to give me the answers I want. But before that, you are going to listen to me.” Alex turned away from the sink and placed the bottle on counter. Alex gave Noel a satisfied nod before sitting on a barstool.

  “Her mind’s made up, Noel. She’s marrying him.”

  Alex looked up and the stern look on his face made Noel flinch.

 
; “You can’t go after her, you hear me. I will stop you. I will never let you get that close to Clara again. It’s my fault that you two got together and I am going to fix it by making sure you don’t ruin her wedding. If you even get close to her, I will take you out myself. I’m going to ignore the fact that I know you. I’m going to look at you like the bastard you are. I want Clara happy, and marrying Liam will make her happy.”

  “No! Being with me will make her happy!”

  I pushed her away. I let this happen. How could I let this happen?

  “Really? Because all she does is cry over you. You don’t give a shit about her. You take one step in the direction of Melbourne and I swear to god, Noel, I will kill you myself.” Alex’s knuckles turned a vibrant white colour. “You love my sister?” Alex asked as he rose from the stool.

  He lied once, he wouldn’t lie again. “Yes. I love Clara, but I didn’t think she’d marry Liam… or anyone. I thought we still had a chance. Somehow we’d find a way. Why would she say yes… to him?”

  “Because you told her you didn’t love her. I know about Valerie, Noel. She doesn’t know that I do but I do. I know about how you left my sister on her birthday to sleep with your ex-girlfriend and yet she still fell in love with you. To go through all that and come out loving you, I don’t understand. But you pushed her too far, and you can never win her back. I will make sure of that. After all the shit my own parents put her through, Darren, and now you, she deserves to be loved. I’ve seen the way he looks at her, Noel. He’s undeniably in love with her. You won’t stand in the way of that. I came here looking for answers, but now I’ve realised that I came here with an ultimatum. You willingly let go of Clara or we end everything we have here. The choice is yours.”

  Noel blinked quickly. He slowly processed Alex’s words that sounded more like promised threats.

  “You’re asking me to choose between you or Clara?” Noel asked in disbelief. He promised Clara that he would always choose her over Alex, but this time circumstances had changed.

  “Even if you choose Clara, you won’t win her back. You’ve already done too much damage. Her future is set. I’m making sure you don’t fuck with it. I want my sister’s wedding to be perfect and I don’t want you wrecking it.”

  Noel’s jaw clenched. Alex was encouraging Clara to marry the wrong man and they both knew it. Noel placed his hands on the edge of the counter top and slumped forward. He was the one she was meant to marry, he was the one that had the ring first and he was the one to have loved her first. Noel looked up to see the invitation in Alex’s hands and felt the tears start to burn him.

  “It’s funny…” Alex said as he looked up at Noel with tears in his own eyes, “I thought you’d make it. I honestly thought you would. I was actually praying you would. When Clara asked me to walk her down the aisle, it was easy to imagine I was giving her away to you but that’s not the case. Do the right thing, Noel. We have to accept it. This is what she wants. You know he’ll take care of her.” Noel hands tightened around the edge.

  Liam would take good care of what should have been mine.

  “Out of all the women in this world, Noel, I didn’t think I’d fight you over Clara. Not my sister. She comes first before either one of us, you and I both know that.”

  Noel felt the warm tears slide down his face. She was the only woman he had ever cried over and he’d been stupid to let her leave. Noel’s head fell slightly as he stared at the marble countertop.

  “I love her, Alex. I’ll never stop loving her. It hurts to be away from her,” Noel confessed in an almost choked up whisper. He removed his hand from the counter and dug into his pocket. He took out Clara’s note and opened it, completely ignoring Alex’s curious eyes. Noel placed the piece of paper on the counter and read it a few times. With a nod, Noel looked up at Alex.

  “I want her happy too…” It felt like daggers entered his chest as he breathed out. Tremors attacked his heart as the ache consumed his body. At one stage in their lives, their love was mutual, so close to being eternal. But like Clara said, it wasn’t enough to save them.

  “Tell her, congratulations on her upcoming nuptials. She’s going to make a beautiful bride and a breathtaking wife that any man would be privileged to have. Liam’s the lucky one. I could only imagine what it would be like to have her as my wife. It was my biggest dream.”

  A trip to the nearby park, a round of ice cream and Clara was exhausted. She watched as Liam started humming in CeCe’s ear as she slept in his arm. Clara yawned, she had been up for over twenty-four hours and all she wanted to do was sleep. CeCe would leave for Sydney in a few days and Clara wanted to spend as much time as she could with the little toddler. Liam’s sister, Ally, brought CeCe with her when she came to Melbourne to see her brother and speak to the wedding planner. Whenever Ally came to town, she would stay in Clara’s apartment. It gave the eighteen-year-old the freedom she wished for when she came to Melbourne.

  “I’m going to put her to bed, I’ll just be a second,” Liam said quietly as he got off the couch and walked over to Sienna’s room. Clara had met Sienna a few times and things had been awkward at the start. Liam explained to her that they hadn’t slept with each other and that they were actually best friends. Clara was skeptical at first. That was until she properly met Sienna and realised how similar Liam and her were.

  Clara stretched on the couch and leaned over to slip off her shoes. She stood up when she heard the sound of Liam closing the bedroom door. It was late afternoon and Clara was too tired to go down the bakery to visit everyone. Instead she decided that she’d spend the rest of the day with Liam.

  “She’s sound asleep,” Liam said as he walked towards Clara. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in close.

  She’d been away from him for far too long and missed the smell of his citrus cologne. What she missed the most was the way he looked at her. Liam kissed Clara’s forehead before running his hand down her arms and took her hand in his. Without a word, he led her to their bedroom.

  Clara stepped inside the darkened room as Liam shut the door behind them. He looked at her with a lustful desire that she hadn’t seen before. Taking her by surprise, Liam quickly placed both his hands on either side of Clara’s face and captured her lips. She held onto Liam’s forearms and kissed him just as passionately. Sleep seemed ridiculous when Liam’s lips entwined with hers.

  His hands moved into Clara’s hair as he pushed his body close to hers. A moan escaping her lips and Liam seized the opportunity to explore the inside of her mouth. He licked and sucked expertly as he walked Clara to the edge of the bed. Her heart raced and pounded, the passion completely surprising her. Liam softly pushed her down until Clara sat on the edge of the bed.

  He removed his hands from Clara’s hair and then his lips from hers. Clara was disappointed to end things so quickly. She was about to argue, but the untamed look in Liam’s eyes had her breathless. They didn’t speak, only stared into each other’s eyes. Clara lips tingled at the sensation of his mouth on hers. Liam breathed out and returned his hands on Clara’s cheeks.

  “I love you, Clara,” he whispered as if they were in a crowded room, only enough for them to hear.

  Her heart expanded with warmth and she placed her right hand over Liam’s.

  “I love you,” she whispered.

  Liam placed a kiss on her forehead before placing a chaste kiss on Clara’s lips. Moving down, he ghosted kisses along her jaw and then her neck.

  Her breathing hitched and her heart rate spiked. Each kiss and feel of his lips on her skin had her closing her eyes and letting a moan slip. Liam’s hands brush against the skin that had been exposed from her raised shirt. She arched her back to offer more of her neck to him and felt her knees weaken. She mentally thanked the heavens that she was already sitting and not standing.

  Liam trailed kisses up and down her neck before stood back. He panted heavily as her own breathing out weighed the erratic beats of her heart. Liam stepped forward
and bent his knees slightly, ensuring his eyes leveled hers. Clara smiled and ran her hand through his hair.

  Liam placed a quick kiss on Clara’s lips before touching the exposed skin of her collarbone. Without taking his eyes off hers, he reached over to the button of her blouse. Liam held his breath and popped loose the first. His eyes asking for permission to continue and Clara didn’t oppose. She wanted to be intimate with Liam. She wanted to know what it would be like to finally make love to her fiancé.

  Liam slowly unbuttoned her blouse until she sat there waiting for his next move. The anticipation in her caused her breathing to get caught and feel wasteful. He steadied himself for a second and Clara felt his fingers lightly trail the skin near her bra straps as he slowly removed the shirt off of her shoulders. Liam threw the top on the floor and took in her body. He made her feel confident in her body, like she was the most beautiful artifact rather than just another woman he’d bed.

  Liam’s fingers traced the outline of her bra as his hands made their way down to her toned stomach and to the edge of her jeans. All breath left her as he reached the top of her jeans, pausing for a moment before he unbuttoned them. Clara bit her bottom lip as Liam found the zip and slowly pulled it down. His eyes never leaving hers as she lifted her hips off the bed.

  Liam pulled her jeans down her legs and off her body, discarding them like he did her shirt. Clara swallowed hard as he stood up, his hand running up her leg, past her hips and up to her cheeks. This time Clara couldn’t help herself as she pulled him down to her, their lips meeting only added to the fire her body create and got consumed in.

  Widening her legs and aware that this was as close as their bodies had ever been without their clothes, Clara leaned back onto the bed, taking Liam with her. She loved the feel of his body on top of hers and she felt his groan against her mouth as he kissed her hungrily. Clara’s hands found the collar of his shirt as she kissed him hard and desperately. Liam’s hands made their way to the back of her head as she reached the button of his shirt. Her hands shook in anticipation as she slowly mirrored Liam’s moves and started to remove his shirt. When she reached the end, Liam’s hands left the back of her head and quickly disposed of his shirt without his lips leaving hers.