Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  Clara ran her fingers down his hard chest and his back as he kissed her harder and faster, causing her to breathe out heavily. She ran her hands down the defined lines of his abs as she reached the button of his jeans. Liam’s hand instantly covered hers and she opened her eyes in surprise, his lips breaking away from hers. Clara saw the conflict in his eyes. He was either going to let them make love for the first time or uphold his vow and wait until they said, “I do.”

  Liam removed his hand from Clara and placed it next to her head, propping himself up from her body. He kissed the corners of her eyes and nodded the approval she was waiting for. With a deep breath, Clara unsnapped his jeans then slid down the zipper, her heart stopped for a moment.

  “Are you sure?” she asked as she searched his eyes.

  “No,” Liam replied.

  Clara’s hands reached up and held his tensed face. She smoothed out the lines across his forehead before propping herself up and placing a kiss there. Liam sighed out heavily and rolled off her. Clara sat up on her elbows and looked at him with a confused frown.

  As if he knew the questions she had compiling in her thoughts, Liam pulled her in his lap. Clara wrapped her arms around his neck and she could see the control on his face.

  “Clara, you’re in your underwear… this isn’t, ahh, going to work, sweetheart.”

  Clara shook her head and tightened her grip around his neck and watched him breath heavily before a groan escaped him.

  “Clara, I’ve never…” he breathed out before he quickly pressed his lips on hers. His breath hit her lips with every kiss and Liam pushed her onto her back. He broke their kiss and stared at her.

  “If you tell me you’re a virgin then I’m going to question what those girls do when they came over,” Clara teased and Liam tensed in her arms.

  “Clara, listen to me. This is going to sound stupid but I’ve…” Liam paused again as he tenderly ran his fingers along her cheekbones. “I’ve never had sex with someone I love before. I’ve never not known a one night stand.”

  She knew the surprise of what he said took hold of her face—she felt it. Liam let out a laugh before he kissed the tip of her nose.

  “I’d be lying if I said I’m not jealous of your one night stands,” Clara confessed, her eyes adverting his.

  Liam moved his finger under her chin to face him. “You don’t need to be jealous of them, Clara. I’m marrying you. I love you. I never loved any of them. I didn’t know a future until I saw you. They had no meaning, it was just sex. I want you to know that you’ll be the last woman I’ll ever be intimate with. I want to touch you, Clara. Really badly. I've lasted eight months without touching you and I can wait a little longer. But I think it’s that ring that has me losing all sense of control. To know that you’ll let me call you my wife just triggered something. Sweetheart, please let me put some clothes on you. I can’t have you making me want to break my promise.”

  She couldn’t help the tears that ran down her face. Clara nodded. Liam kissed away her tears and she hopped off his lap. He got up from the bed and walked over to the walk-in-robe and returned with a Beatles shirt. Liam climbed onto the bed and took Clara’s left hand. He brought it to his lips and kissed the engagement ring on her finger. He let go of her hand and Clara raised her arms up, Liam pulling his large shirt over her body. She smiled brightly when he moved her messy curls out of her face. Liam got off the bed and shimmied out of his jeans.

  “Do I need to wear pants?” he asked and she shook her head. He already owned her heart, owning her body was of little importance. Not when he loved her so much.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “You sure Andrea’s going to be okay with me staying?” Alex asked.

  Noel kept his eyes on Clara's note. He would be living a life of self-harm if he kept it, but he didn't have the will to throw it away. This was his link to her. There was a moment in their lives when they loved so purely that nothing mattered. But nothing ever stayed pure for long.

  “You're my family, Alex. I couldn't turn you away, even if I wanted to. The spare room has your name written all over it. I've got to work on a report one of my juniors fucked up. So, my office down at work is free to use,” Noel replied as he looked up from Clara's note. Whether he looked at it or not, those words would forever be burned into his existence.

  “She doesn't know about Clara, does she?” Alex asked.

  Noel swallowed hard and took the piece of paper off the counter and returned it back in his pocket. He shook his head and Alex gave him a firm stare.

  “Don't give me a reason to hate her, Noel. She's a nice girl. But she has what my sister wanted and I don't want to hate her.”

  That beg from Alex had Noel snapping out of his thoughts. He loved Andrea, he wasn't sure how or when but he did.

  Not the way I love Clara.

  Noel let out a sigh as the realisation started to set in. She was right there waiting for him and he sent her away. He gave her the belief that he never loved her. When the truth was he always loved her.

  “I'm sorry, Noel. I didn't mean to lose control over my emotions. I just get… its Clara. I don't think I need to explain myself.”

  “No, I'll be ‘right,” Noel replied. He didn't want to feel, not for a while. He already pictured where he wanted to be in an hour's time. That shady bar where he could get drunk and cry without judgment.

  I lost the love of my life. I’m never getting her back.

  “I have a meeting with Winters’ in an hour. Mind if I get ready? Mercer’s in Boston, too, for the Lyndon account. He wants to go over the details before the Monday briefing. I won't be back until late, you don't mind?”

  Noel knew it was code for 'I give you permission to get laid while I'm gone.' They were roommates in college and during Noel’s time in New York, he knew this code very well.

  “Where are your bags?” he wondered. Noel remembered Alex laying a fist on his face before he could even comprehend his visit.

  Alex let out a short laugh and leaned into the barstool. “Left it just by the door before I pummelled your ass,” Alex said like the confidant bastard Noel knew he was.

  “Don't be a dick. You caught me off guard.” Noel snorted. He placed his hand over his cheek and the throbbing caused him to cringe. But as sad as it was, he enjoyed the pain. He'd rather the physical pain over the mental and emotional one he felt scratching to be freed.

  “I could take you out completely,” Alex stated and Noel didn't argue.

  All he knew was he never wanted to see that side of Alex Lawrence again. And he knew his trigger…

  Clara.

  ⌘

  Noel sat at his desk. The folders remained untouched on his desk for the past hour. He stared at them, but he couldn't will his arm to respond to the demands his brain was giving. He heard and counted the ticks of the old clock on the wall. Nothing stopped him from thinking about her.

  She's engaged, my—Liam's—Clara, engaged.

  In the protectiveness of his loneliness, he allowed his heart to collapse. His eyes glazing over with unshed tears. All he had to do was give her the chance to explain and he didn't. He let his pride win and his pride cost him Clara.

  He reached back into his pocket and took out the small piece of paper. Noel held it like it was his lifeline. He ran his fingers over the creases of the paper and over those three words.

  I love you.

  He still loved Clara. But he loved her more to give her the chance of being happy and in love. Liam would do right by her and Noel believed so. If anyone was worthy of Clara, it was Liam. Noel stood up from his chair and walked out of the home office and towards his bedroom. Flicking on the light, he walked over to the walk-in-robe closet. Reaching up on the top shelves, he moved boxes out of the way until he found the small one he needed.

  He left the closet and sat on his bed. Mountains of clothes sprawled on top of the mattress but he didn't care. With a heavy sigh, Noel steadied himself. Lifting the lid and placing it next to him, Noel
took out the small velvet box and opened it. Noel ran his thumb over the 'N' and a sob formed in his chest.

  He took out the silver locket from the box and held it carefully in his hands. The locket was meant to be a sign of forever. He gave it to Clara when she was a baby, only to be given it back when she was eight and then he returned it to her on that night. The night she gave him her virginity and he gave her his heart. Somewhere and somehow they took a wrong turn and ended up further a part.

  Noel sat there and looked at Clara's locket. It should be fastened around her neck and not in his hands. He held back the pain of losing her as he stood up from the edge of the bed and sat on the ground near the bedside table. Wrapping the locket chain around his hand, Noel took out Clara's note and started to rip it.

  It pained him. But in order to move on, it had to happen. It was the only way. When he was satisfied with the destruction of Clara's declaration of love, he took the piece that held those three words. Those words remained unharmed, but instead it was smaller in size.

  Noel looked at those three words and his heart clenched tightly. This time it had been with more force and made the breath in him flee. He reached up and took hold of the pen on the bedside table. He flipped the paper over and breathed in before writing down all the things he couldn’t say and all the things he wished he could say.

  No amount of time will account for the days that I've missed you and should have loved you. I will always love you, Clara Louise Lawrence. Always.

  Noel folded his confession and his chest continued to burn, desperately seeking to be relieved. Unwrapping Clara's chain from around his hand, he opened the locket and placed the folded piece of paper inside. He stared at how it fit inside. Noel couldn’t help, but wish that he was the piece of paper and Clara’s heart was the locket. Together and perfectly secure.

  He brushed his thumb against the note before shutting the locket with force and ensuring that some of the paper got caught. Noel tried opening the Celtic knot locket again, but found it difficult. The locket was jammed, keeping his love for Clara Lawrence a secret, forever. A warm tear rolled down the side of his face, ignoring it Noel returned the locket back in the velvet box. He looked at it one more time before he shut it. The sound confirming the end of what should have been forever.

  He placed the small box back inside the larger one, ensuring it lay hidden under papers before he placed it on the top shelf of the closet. Moving the other boxes and items in front of it and ensuring it was hidden. A piece of him felt lost as he realised the extent of his actions. She'd be a memory for him. She'd have a new name in two months and the thought of it made his heart throb achingly.

  Clara O'Connor.

  It felt like a long time ago that he had hopes of asking her to marry him. He had it all planned, from quitting his job in Boston to moving back to Melbourne. Plans were made, but never followed and promises made but broken.

  It should have been me. It should be Clara Parker.

  Noel shook his head as the force of the thought slammed into his chest. He had to stop. She was long gone and he couldn't alter it. Her locket and note hidden, it was time he let go of her completely. No matter how much he knew it was impossible, he'd have to find a way. Alex would stop him. There was no point in fighting for her.

  He walked out of the closet and approached the bed. He picked up one of the drawers and started to return his clothes back where they all belonged. Just as he closed the last drawer, Noel heard the sound of the front door open before Andrea came rushing in.

  “Noel, I saw Alex and…” She paused as she placed a hand over her mouth.

  Noel stood up properly and walked over to her. He placed his arms around her waist and held her tightly. In his arms was his future. He couldn’t forget how far he and Andrea had come. There was no denying she made him happy and that was enough for him to push the thought of Clara away.

  “Your face. What happened?” she asked against his chest.

  Noel removed one of his hands off her waist and placed it on the back of her head. “Nothing, it was an accident. Don't worry about me.” They stood there for a moment as Noel closed his eyes tightly and remembered that this was his future.

  “I want you,” Andrea softly said. She moved slightly in his hold, looking up to him.

  He saw the desire in her blue eyes. Noel moved his hands up to her cheeks and held her. “Gregson's deadline?” he asked.

  Andrea bit down on her bottom lip and shook her head. “I don’t care right now. I've been horrible towards you, let me make it up to you,” she said once she released her lip from her teeth.

  She batted her dark lashes and if Noel hadn't been in need of some sort of release, he'd laugh. He didn't hesitate as he pressed his mouth hard on Andrea's. There was a sense of possessiveness that Andrea could be the one he'd call his without any hidden obstacles.

  Noel's hands ran down the side of Andrea's body until his palms rested on her hips. His tongue meeting hers as he explored the inside of her mouth, Andrea's hands running up and down his chest. He felt the tug of his shirt and pulled his mouth away from hers as she helped remove the material off his body. He groaned as Andrea's lips met the soft spot below his ear. He needed her and badly. He needed to forget.

  He broke the connection of their lips and quickly disposed of the tight skirt she wore until she stood in her lacy black underwear. She stepped out of her black high heels and Noel took her by the hips and lifted her. Andrea wrapped her legs around his waist and they both let out a heavy sigh.

  Noel retuned his focus on Andrea's jaw and then her neck. Her hot and heavy breaths hit his skin as she pressed her body hard against him. His kisses turned frantic as he walked them over to the bed.

  “Please, Noel,” she softly moaned.

  Noel lowered Andrea until her back hit the comforter of the bed and he hovered over her. She didn't waste any time as she wrapped her legs tighter around his waist and ran her mouth along his neck several times before she met his lips. He held Andrea's face tighter in his hands to control and deepened the rough rhythm of his mouth against hers. She let out a moan and dug her nails into his back. It felt off. There wasn't that balance between pain and pleasure. It wasn't how Clara did it. Andrea's nails dug too deep. Instead of being pleasurable, it was painful.

  He thought back to the times Clara had breathed out his name and made him lose all sense of control. The way her nails dug perfectly into his skin and the way her coconut shampoo and floral perfume heightened his need for her. He missed the way she made him feel.

  Oh God, Clara, I love you.

  “Damn it!” Noel growled against Andrea's lip. He moved himself off her body and put space between them.

  “Did I do something?”

  The worry in Andrea's voice had the guilt in him rising. Noel sat on the edge of the bed and ran a hand through his hair.

  “Don't do that, Andrea, please.”

  “Do what?”

  Noel turned to see her sitting up on the pillows. There was a confused look on her face and he understood it. It wasn’t Andrea’s fault that he couldn’t let go of Clara.

  “The nail digging. I don't enjoy it,” he confessed. Andrea looked hurt. The fact was, he did enjoy it, but not the way Andrea did it.

  Noel registered a heavy sigh before he climbed back on bed and next to Andrea. He was conflicted and every time he looked at her, it was made worse. He lay down and brought her in his arms and held her tight against his chest.

  “I’m sorry, Andrea. I didn’t mean to be an asshole.”

  Andrea’s fingers traced lazy circles on his chests before she looked up and said, “I know you didn’t. Want to watch TV and order Chinese?”

  Noel smiled and rubbed his hand along her arm. “I’d love that.”

  Running her finger along the glossy page, Clara found the step she was up to and read the instruction that was next. It had been three days since she landed back in Melbourne and she spent those days giving Liam and CeCe her undivided attention
. The sound of the front door opening and closing had her lifting her head up from the recipe book's page.

  “Hey,” she greeted once Liam walked into the large kitchen.

  He walked over to the bench and placed his keys on the counter top with a heavy sigh. “Doesn't get any harder than that.”

  A frown developed on her face as she stirred the eggs into the batter.

  “She cried?” Clara questioned as she reached over for the orange and started to zest the peel into the mixture.

  “Hysterically. I told her we'd be in Sydney in a week but she still cried. Ally was scared about the looks she was getting from other passengers. CeCe was reaching out for me and searching for her 'Clary'.”

  Liam shook his head and walked around the island bench. He leant over and placed a kiss on Clara's cheek before swiping the bag of chocolate chips she was about to use.

  “Hey!” she protested out loud but he ignored her.

  With a satisfied smile, Liam poured a handful in his hand and began to eat a chocolate chip at a time. Clara shook her head and let out a short laugh.

  “You’re such a child!”

  “And you’re marrying me. Sorry, sweetheart, looks like you're in trouble.” He grinned.

  Clara rolled her eyes. She reached over to take the bag of chocolate chips when Liam grabbed her hand and stopped her. Clara looked up to see his playful mood change. The look on his face was one she knew well. It was his ‘this is seriously important and we need to talk’ look. Clara held her breath as she waited for him to continue.