Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

  “When you said you needed to get fresh clothes this morning, did you get them?”

  It was something she said earlier. Clara noted her need to do laundry and get more clothes from her apartment downstairs. She didn’t think he thought so much into it. It was a simple statement—nothing worthy of a serious talk.

  Clara looked at him, puzzled, but she just nodded. She wasn't sure what the deal was. They had done it a million times in the space of their relationship. She mostly stayed in his apartment and when she ran out of clean clothes or needed something, she’d pick it up from her apartment downstairs. They both stood there quiet for a moment before Liam removed his hands off Clara's and pulled her into his arms.

  “Clara, I need you to move in with me.”

  Clara looked at him before she frowned.

  “Uhh, Liam, I have moved in with you,” she pointed out.

  Liam’s tense look didn't disappear. He let out a small laugh before he tightened his arms around her waist.

  “I don't like you having to go back and forth from our apartment to your brother's. We're getting married, Clara. I need your clothes to permanently fill those drawers, your dresses hanging up next to my suits and have those adorable shoes of yours lined up next to mine. I need your things in this apartment, Clara. I need you to make this a home. Our home.”

  Clara felt the burning in her lungs as she momentarily forgot to breathe. Taking in heavy breaths of air, she looked at Liam in shock. His request made their engagement and their future together more real.

  “Our home?”

  “What's mine is yours.”

  Clara smiled at his reply. Liam never hid how he felt towards her. It felt empowering to know that she was his first choice.

  “All right,” Clara agreed.

  “All right?”

  “We're getting married, Liam. I'm not sure why I haven't packed everything in boxes and moved in sooner.” He broke into a beautiful smile and Clara felt the satisfaction sweep her system. She liked making Liam happy.

  “I'll call Stevie over after lunch and we'll make a start,” Clara said as she squeezed Liam's arm.

  Liam dipped his head into the curve of her neck and whispered, “Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

  Clara smiled before she whispered back, “It doesn't hurt to remind me.”

  “I love you, Clara. I can’t wait until you become Clara O’Connor, my wife.”

  She swallowed the lump in her throat and stared at the stainless steel fridge to her left. “Me too.”

  ⌘

  “I regret helping you. You have all these clothes that I want, but could never pull off. Sweet and floral does not suit me. Damn you, Clara Lawrence. Damn you to hell!” Stevie complained as she placed what looked like several of Clara’s skirts in a plastic bag.

  “I said I was shouting you drinks, didn't I?” Clara raised an eyebrow and watched Stevie let go of the plastic bag with a huff.

  “Why isn't the Saint here?”

  “I didn't want a lecture on why I'm marrying Liam,” Clara said as she placed a pair of flats in a large box and picked up another pair of shoes.

  “Can we speed this up? I'm meeting Rob soon.”

  Clara dropped a pair of heels and quickly turned to look at Stevie.

  “What?” she asked in disbelief.

  “I'm. Meeting. Rob,” Stevie said slowly for Clara to comprehend.

  They haven't… have they?

  Clara blinked quickly and her shoulders sagged. “You aren't sleeping with Rob, are you, Stevie?”

  “Oh, Clara, you've been in Liam's bed too long and don't get out much. We're making that Jewel bitch jealous.”

  Clara breathed out in relief and went to pick up the shoes she dropped.

  “Besides, I wouldn't do that to you, Clara. Not after what happened in Boston. You don't need Rob around to remind you.”

  Clara’s heart ached at the thought of what happened in Boston. The worst decision she ever made in her life was to return to him, hoping. The day after Clara returned, Stevie noticed Liam's ring and didn't ask for more.

  “Stevie, if you like Rob and want to be with him, I don't mind. I wasn't in love him. It was—” Clara stopped herself. His name wasn't one she would allow herself to say out loud anymore. It was too difficult. The past had to stay the past.

  “Clara, I'm sorry. Rob didn't tell me he was seeing someone.”

  Clara willed a smile and turned to face Stevie. “I think I have some things in the spare room that I should bring,” Clara said as she stepped over the bags of clothes that lay on the floor. Clara almost made it to the door of her old bedroom before Stevie stopped her.

  “Clara, I think I need to speak up. I’ve been quiet because I wanted you to talk to me when you’re okay. But you're not. So talk,” Stevie said.

  The ache in her chest became a full-frontal inferno.

  “I'm fine. I'm getting married, Stevie. My mind is all over the place with flowers and guest invitations coming in,” Clara lied before she pushed past her best friend and walked towards the room down the hall.

  Clara stood in front of what used to be his room. She had never stepped foot in this room and now months later, she would. Clara remembered the days after he left. Her brother, Alex, snuck into the room and changed the bed sheets and aired out the room. He thought she didn’t notice, but she did. She spent a lot of days staring at that door, hoping for his return. But he didn’t and she moved on.

  The airing out of her guest room was no use when her bedroom smelt like him. It took a week until his smell completely disappeared. Clara summoned the courage and placed a hand on the door handle. She wasn't sure what she was looking for but she felt like something important lay in the room. Even if she found nothing, she just wanted to feel connected to him in some way.

  Clara opened the door and found the room as basic as it was before he came. She looked around and found nothing out of place. It was like he was never here. Clara found it incredibly hard to breathe. They both moved on with their lives and nothing bound them together anymore.

  Walking over to the tallboy, Clara ran her fingers over the wood and she closed her eyes tightly. Flashes of their times filled her thoughts.

  “Noel,” she painfully whispered.

  It was the first time she said his name and it was like the dams breaking. Intense pain filled her chest and Clara felt the burning sensation start to consume her. She needed to leave the room and this apartment. This apartment held the memories she tried to run from. As much as she loved her place, she’d rather watch it burn. Before Clara left she did a quick check of the room to make sure she didn't need anything. She pulled the top left drawer open. Looking down, she saw a single envelope sitting in the middle of the drawer.

  Curious, Clara picked it up and sat on the edge of the bed. Taking a deep breath, she lifted the flap. Pulling out the contents, she instantly regretted what she found.

  Just the sight of the first photo brought tears falling. The smile on both their faces induced simultaneous tremors to her heart and Clara couldn't contain the sobs. It served as a reminder and it hurt her more than it should have. Her hands shook as she looked at the next photo: one of her kissing his cheek. Clara placed the pictures down on the bed and covered her face with her hands.

  I intend on making you happy for the rest of your days.

  She felt the full force of another slam of her heart as she remembered every second of that day on the beach. As hard as she tried, she couldn't stop the tears, she couldn't stop the pain that never went away.

  All it took was one photo and she remembered all the reasons why she still loved Nolan Parker. Reasons that could undoubtedly end her engagement and the future she pictured with Liam. It seemed unfair that he still held her heart. Not when Liam offered her the world and beyond.

  I didn't love you the way I thought I did.

  “Clara.”

  She heard Stevie's voice, but she didn't look up. Those photos were the connection
and they proved she loved him more than he could have ever loved her. The mattress dipped and Stevie took Clara's hand away from her face.

  “Clara, what did Noel say to you?” Stevie asked.

  Tears continued to fall down her face as she looked at the photos Stevie now held. The pain in her chest made it hard to breathe or speak.

  Clara shook her head and wiped her tears. “Why won't it stop, Stevie? Why won't it just go away? It hurts to live like this. I look at Liam and all I feel is guilt. I shouldn't have gone to Boston. I should have just gone straight to New York. I shouldn't have seen him. Then I wouldn't know that he never loved me. Then it wouldn't hurt this much to see those photos. Why would someone like Liam love me? He deserves so much better than me. I want to be good for him, Stevie, but I'm scared I never will.”

  Clara quietly sobbed. Stevie held her hand and squeezed it.

  “Clara, it's meant to hurt. That's the only way to know whether your love for Noel was real. And it was real, Clara.”

  She let her head fall on Stevie's shoulder as the beating pain in her chest continued. She looked down at the ring and reminded herself that those photos couldn't have the power to break her.

  I'm marrying someone far too good for me. I have to be worthy of Liam. I can't cry over Noel. Not anymore.

  “Do you regret him?” Stevie asked.

  Clara looked at the pictures. That day she knew she loved Noel and she could never regret how she felt for him.

  “No. I don't regret Noel. I have Liam because of him,” Clara said as she stood up. She quickly wiped her face and looked at Stevie's concerned eyes. “Burn those photos for me, Stevie. I can't have them reminding me of what I had. I can't let Noel stop me from being happy. I never want to see them again.”

  She'd find the happiness she knew Liam could give her.

  I will marry Liam.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Max: Rob and I are coming up to New York for Alex’s birthday. Guess who is also coming!

  Noel looked at the message and his brows creased. He looked in the mirror and tried to style his hair with his fingers. When he couldn’t get it the way he wanted without product, he gave up and returned his attention to Max’s message.

  Noel: Who?

  Max: The other Moors brother!

  Noel read it again. He couldn’t believe what he was reading. Noel had taken Julian under his wing when they were in high school. They were very much alike. Back in high school their group of Alex, Rob, Julian, Max and himself were practically brothers. Nothing got in the way of their tight group. Not until Noel and Alex went to Stanford and Julian disappeared shortly after his trip to Thailand. Even though they were apart, they were all still brothers.

  Noel: Julian? Well, fuck me! It’ll be good to see him. Glad you lot are coming to the States, I’ll see you in NY!

  Max: Yeah, that son of a bitch, right? Rob’s pretty stoked about it. Catch ya, there!

  Noel placed his phone in his pocket and started to button the cuffs of his light green dress shirt. He took one more look in the mirror, with a satisfied nod at his reflection he walked out of his bedroom. He made his way over to the kitchen to see his best friend nursing a beer. Alex had his iPad sitting on the counter top as his eyes kept focus on his phone. Until his business with the Boston office was over, Alex had been staying at Noel’s.

  “Heard the news?” Noel asked as he made his way to the fridge. Opening it, he took out a bottle of water. He wasn’t quite ready to drink alcohol. He’d save it for when they hit the club.

  “What’s that?” Alex asked not taking his eyes off his phone.

  “Julian’s coming to your birthday in a fortnight’s time,” he replied.

  Alex let out a grunt as he kept his eyes locked on his phone. Besides the fact that his shirt was unbuttoned, Alex looked ready to go out but the face he pulled told Noel that tonight might be cancelled. It was Saturday night and they had plans to leave the apartment by seven, he only had an hour to change his best friend’s mood.

  Noel thought the past few days would be hard considering what he had been through. It was even more painful considering Alex never mentioned Clara’s name. When Andrea fell asleep next to him, he’d roll on to his back and stare at the ceiling, wondering. That’s all he could do with his life now. Just wonder how she was doing and what she was thinking.

  “Alex, mate, what is with you?” Noel asked as he walked over to the island bench and leant on it. Alex remained silent as he continued to look at his phone and then at his iPad.

  “Alex?” Noel asked again before the sounds from his iPad started ringing.

  “Shh!” Alex grabbed his iPad and took a deep breath. “You. Stay!” Alex demanded.

  Noel let out an annoyed sigh. “Why?” Noel asked as he looked at Alex’s clenched fists.

  “Just stay quiet,” Alex replied and he swiped the screen.

  Noel saw the Skype icon appear before Alex brought the iPad close to his face. Alex never Skyped anyone—except his sister. Noel fiddled with the label of the water bottle. There was silence before Clara’s face appeared on the screen. Noel knew she couldn’t see him, but he saw her. And there was no doubt that her beauty still left him speechless.

  Aw, damn.

  Noel could see her hair tied back and he knew she was at the bakery. He felt the need to leave, but the need to stay was greater, causing his feet to cement themselves to the kitchen floor.

  “Clara, you sounded frantic. Are you at the bakery? Can we talk?” Alex asked.

  Noel’s stomach formed tight knots at the sound of her name. Clara came in close and stared into the camera before she let out an exasperated sigh.

  “You’re not in New York, are you?” she asked and Alex’s head fell slightly. “You broke your promise, Alex. You said you wouldn’t.”

  Promise?

  “Clara, I’m not in Boston because—”

  “I told you not to hurt him. You can’t fix what ended. Is he… with you?”

  Noel tensed at her mention of him.

  “No, he’s with Andrea. I’m in Boston for a meeting with Gregson and Mercer on an account. Since that Owens case, I’ve been getting the big clients.” Alex’s eyes kept focused on the screen of his iPad.

  Alex never lies to Clara. What the hell is going on?

  “Are you at the bakery?” Alex asked as he twirled the beer bottle.

  Noel contemplated leaving, but he was scared he’d make a noise so he stood there, staring at the counter.

  “Just got some of the cupcakes in the oven. It’s only eight here.”

  Noel looked up to see Alex nod his head and he could hear the weariness in Clara’s voice. For a long moment there was nothing said between them and all he heard was the sound of the kitchen clock tick and the faint music from Clara’s end.

  “Kiddo, please tell me what’s wrong,” Alex asked softly. He always pulled the ‘kiddo’ card when he wanted something out of Clara.

  Noel steeled himself to hear the news he’d rather not hear.

  I don't think I can take hearing about her wedding.

  “I packed up my apartment, Alex. Besides the furniture, its kind of empty,” she explained.

  Noel’s mouth made a fine line as he tried to control the raw emotions that ran through his veins.

  “You want to sell the apartment?” Alex asked a little astonished.

  Noel’s jaw dropped.

  Not the apartment!

  That apartment held all their memories. He’d rather she killed him with her words than get rid of their once safe haven. When he thought of their good times, his mind wondered back to that little apartment in Melbourne.

  “No. I don’t want to sell it. I love that apartment. I’m going to ask Stevie if she wants to live there after the wedding. I think she’s tired of living with her dad and stepmother.”

  Alex and Noel both breathed out in relief. Clara still loved that apartment enough to not sell it and Noel felt at peace with that thought.

  “Wh
at’s wrong, Clara? You never call this early unless something’s troubling you. What’s up?” Alex’s body strung up tight and his knuckles turned white.

  Noel was anxious to know what troubled her too.

  “I don’t know how to tell him, Alex. What do I say to him about something like this?” Clara’s voice broke and he knew she was on the verge of crying.

  “Clara, has it got to do with… Mum and Dad?” Alex asked and Clara sniffled. It was a topic Clara never wanted to speak about and only did so with Alex, never him.

  “They checked ‘No’ on the wedding invitation, Alex. They checked ‘No’.” Clara was quiet for a moment and then Noel heard that familiar bell ring.

  Why would they say no? It's her wedding!

  “I’ll be back in a second, Alex. Danny wants to have a talk with me. I’ll call you back later, okay?” Clara’s voice was small.

  He felt the tightening in his chest.

  “Sure thing, kiddo. We’ll talk about it later. I love you, Clara. Don’t forget that.”

  “I know. I love you, too, Alex. I’m sorry. Forget what I said about Mum and Dad. I thought since I was getting married things would change… I was wrong.” There was a deflated sigh from Clara and Noel could see the sheer rage in Alex’s eyes.

  “I swear, Clara, I will fix this!” Alex said before he hung up. He slammed the iPad on the counter. Alex’s chest heaved and the anger in his eyes had Noel standing. Alex quickly grabbed his phone and started to unlock it.

  “Alex, what’s wrong? Is Clara okay?” He cared more than he should.

  Alex’s head quickly snapped over to Noel’s direction. “You heard, didn’t you? My fucked up parents said no to Clara’s wedding invitation.” There was a hint of hate in Alex’s voice and Noel knew this was too personal for Alex.

  “I just want to know if she’s okay,”

  “No,” Alex sighed, “I can’t believe they would do this to her. She’s getting married. You’d think they’d put all this shit behind them and be there. It’s their daughter for God’s sake!”

  Noel could see Alex’s resilience start to crack. Noel played with the water bottle until he pushed it away from him.