Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I grimaced. “No…?”

  He nodded. “Okay. Well, I guess, just keep ignoring them then and hopefully something else comes along to take everyone’s minds off it.”

  I stood up. “I’m sorry, Mr Burnett…”

  “For what, Holly?”

  I shrugged. For a lot of things. “For everything that’s happened.”

  He waved a hand at me. “You aren’t to blame for other people’s actions… Nancy, on the other hand…?” His eyebrows rose and I stifled a smile.

  “Should you really be saying things like that to a student?”

  He sighed. “No, probably not. But, I’d be less surprised to find out she’d orchestrated the whole thing. Don’t listen to the rumours, Holly. Trust me, no one who really knows you would believe you capable of any of those things.”

  I blinked and tried to hide my surprise; what exactly had he heard? “No, of course not. Thanks, Mr Burnett.”

  He nodded once. “I’ll see you tomorrow for home group.”

  “Uh, yeah sure,” I replied as I headed out, wondering what other rumours Nancy had been spreading.

  There’d been the ones about me sleeping with Xander and then becoming obsessed with him, I’d heard one or two about me sleeping with Daniel, there had even been a fairly persistent one about me sleeping with Daniel and Xander at the same time. But, I’d – on the whole – tried not to listen to what other people were saying.

  Xander had been right, we could only control our actions, not other people’s. I had to take a leaf out of the Bow playbook and not care what people thought about me. It wasn’t going to be easy; I’d spent almost eighteen years trying to live up to other people’s expectations of me and I wasn’t sure what my expectations for me were anymore. But, I was going to have to work that out and just be myself.

  As I walked through the corridor, I had to wonder why people cared so much about what other people got up to. It seemed so useless to be so invested in the relationships of four people you barely knew. But, there were signs of it everywhere; aside from the buttons, posters had started appearing in support of either couple.

  I was wondering more and more where that world that didn’t care was and how the hell I could meet Xander there.

  Everything that had happened with Xander in the last few weeks was tinged with other people’s opinions of it, everything we’d said or done had been designed to make people think a certain thing. We’d been keeping up appearances, and spectacularly by the reactions of the people around us. Only, I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when the fiction had ended and reality had started. My heart had been entangled in the half-truths and lies.

  Like the song, the future was so unclear. I didn’t know how to go forward or backwards anymore. I liked Xander and I wanted to believe he liked me. There was just that fear holding me back from finding out once and for all; fear that he couldn’t really like me the same way, fear that we were doomed to end like my parents, and fear that even if he did like me and it worked out that talking about it might change us somehow.

  I wanted to find that world that didn’t care and work it out. I wanted to go back and see how it could have played out just the two of us, something real, both in it one hundred percent from the start. I wanted to know what Xander and I looked like without all the bullshit and other people watching our every move.

  So, it was on that happy note that I bumped into Rachel. As usual, she was glaring down a fury, but my heart honestly just waved its little white flag at her and wished it could just ask her to confirm that my fears about Xander were unfounded, that he was real with me.

  “Uh, hi,” I said slowly since it seemed like she wanted to talk to me.

  “I was just given this.” She opened her hand and there was a button in it that read ‘Holly for Queen’ with a bow underneath it. No guesses needed to work out what that one meant.

  I opened my mouth, then closed it. Because what the hell could I say in defence of that? Sure, I’d had nothing to do with it, but what did that matter to Rachel?

  “Has Xander seen them?” she asked.

  “I… I don’t know,” I stammered. “It’s the first time I’ve seen it.” Her glare hardened and I garbled quickly. “I don’t want to be Queen, Rachel. It’s your spot and I’d never dream of taking it from you.”

  Okay, I was wrong. Now, her glare hardened.

  “I don’t care about ‘spots’,” she spat. “I care about Xander and what he’s going to think when he sees this. You think I’m worried you’re going to take some irrelevant status that was awarded to me by a bunch of people who don’t even know me or my friends? No one gets to tell my friends who I am to them, Minion. You understand? Only they get to choose and, as far as I’m aware, no one’s opinion has changed.”

  I nodded quickly, not really sure where she was going with this.

  “You’re the people who call us King and Queen. You’re the people who decided I was some popular arsehole. It doesn’t matter to me what relationship you have with Xander because I know where we stand and I know we have each other’s back. We’ve had each other’s backs for longer than you pined over JT. So, you think you can come between us?”

  I shook my head. “No. I don’t want that. No one wants that.”

  She looked me over and I knew she didn’t believe me.

  “Look, Rachel… I understand why you’re worried. Like I told Daniel–”

  “You’ve talked to Dan?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, he and I got this bit over with last term.”

  She frowned. “This bit?” she repeated.

  “The dramatic confrontation. Whatever you want to call it. Look, I don’t know how to show you I’m in Xander’s corner, but I’ll spend every day we’re together doing just that if I have to.”

  “You will have to,” she sneered.

  “Okay. Then, I will. That whole loyalty thing you accused me of knowing nothing about? I get it now. I mean, I really get it. I get I was a judgemental dillweed and there is no excuse for that. But, I’ve seen it, Rachel. I’ve seen Xander’s changed–”

  She scoffed and I stopped. “Changed?” she asked, looking me over. “Xander hasn’t changed, you idiot. He’s always been the guy you’ve finally noticed. You think it’s easy to walk around a place where people think one thing about you? Xand’s perfected that damn mask.” So, I was right about that, then. “He hasn’t changed, he just obviously saw something in you that told him he could take that mask off around you. What you need to do now is not mess it up. I wasn’t being facetious when I said I’d send you back to JT with more than a broken heart if you hurt him. So, don’t you dare let me down, Minion.”

  I shook my head. “No. Of course not. The last thing I want is to hurt him.”

  “Then don’t,” she said before she walked away.

  I finally let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in and looked around the hallway. It was far too much to hope that no one had noticed the King of the Bows’ Queen and girlfriend going at it, as evidenced by the whisperings and staring.

  “We are way passed out of hand now,” I muttered to myself and I headed out to find Xander.

  e

  I got to school just in time for home group on Friday, so I missed seeing Xander until Recess. And this time, when I saw him, I definitely felt more than just amused indifference

  A girl not in our year was leaning up against him at his locker and he was looking at her with humour. I felt Miranda grab my arm and pull me towards her as someone ran into my shoulder from behind. I looked at the offending someone and saw Nancy walk past with a self-satisfied smirk on her face.

  “Doll,” Miranda said, “I’m sure it’s not what it looks like.”

  I nodded. “No. Sure it’s not.” But, my heart wasn’t feeling quite so sure.

  As we got closer, I heard the girl’s words. “Oh, but you enjoyed it last time…”

  Xander chuckled. “That was last time, Jess. Now, I’m
spoken for.”

  “Are you sure? She doesn’t have to know.” She ran her finger down his chest and his eyes fell on me. He stopped her hand just as it reached his stomach, then pulled his eyes from me.

  “Jess,” his voice was more warning than joking now. “Not going to happen.”

  She pouted in a way I assumed guys were supposed to think was attractive. “Not with that attitude, it won’t.” She winked at him.

  I cleared my throat and this Jess jumped as they both looked at me. Xander looked like he was trying to press himself into his locker to get away from Jess, who looked like she was trying to go with him.

  “Oh. Hiya Holly,” she said with as fake a smile as I’d ever seen.

  “Do I know you?” I asked her, looking her over with as many cares as Rachel usually gave me.

  Jess’ smile only widened. “Your boyfriend does.”

  “Well, bully for him. Maybe when your legs can support the weight of your ego, you can stop using him as a leaning post and I can have a word with him,” I said, feeling like a total arsehole. But, I had a feeling Jess wasn’t fawning all over Xander of her own volition if that ‘Team Thomigan’ button on her skirt had anything to do with it, and that pissed me off.

  “Doll…” Xander started, looking panicked and I shook my head at him once.

  Jess stood up straight and smoothed her shirt in such a way I was sure Xander was supposed to be paying attention to her not insignificant cleavage. She batted her eyes at him, licked her lips, slid her gaze to his crotch and gave him that weird pouty smile.

  “I’ll see you later, Xander,” she said, throwing enough insinuation into that one sentence she deserved an Oscar.

  “Bye, Jess,” Xander said, his eyes on me.

  She flounced away, swinging her hips completely unnecessarily because the only ones looking were Miranda and me.

  “Doll, it wasn’t–”

  “I’ll give you a guys a minute…” Miranda said. She gave me a pat on the arm, scowled at Xander, who looked at her in questioning surprise, and headed outside.

  “Doll–”

  “Xand, it’s fine.”

  He gaped like a fish out of water for a few seconds. “Wait, what?” he finally managed to ask.

  “Keeping up appearances, remember?” I said, not knowing why I was feeling so cold towards him.

  After Nancy had pushed past me and given me that look, I wouldn’t have put it past her to have put Jess up to flirting with Xander. What she hoped to achieve, I didn’t know. Maybe she wanted to cause a rift? Maybe she thought I’d break up with him if I believed he was cheating on me?

  Then again, maybe there was some bet going around that Jess had hoped to win by breaking Xander and me up, and Nancy didn’t even have anything to do with it. I had no idea about everything that went on at that school behind my back and I quite frankly didn’t want to know. Teenagers could be arseholes; I knew that from first-hand experience as one and being surrounded by them.

  “Holly…?” Xander started.

  I sighed and tried to put on a happier face. “What?”

  “Jess and I… That was a while ago. Well-before you.”

  I nodded. “It doesn’t bother me what…” I looked around and realised that people were looking at us. I leant towards him, “what you get up to, Xander. Last I checked, we had a specific understanding of what this was. You want to see where that offer leads? That’s up to you. But, don’t expect this to work if you screw around.”

  I made to walk outside but he gripped my wrist and held me firm. His eyes were hard as he looked into mine. “The only offer I’m interested in is if it leads to you. I’m not really sure how much more obvious I can make that, Holly.”

  My heart fluttered but my brain whacked it upside the head as that fear that his words were all for show flooded me after what I’d just seen. “Don’t go saying anything you’ll regret, Xander. You don’t owe me anything.”

  “Holly.” He tightened his grip on my wrist to stop me leaving. I could have if I’d really wanted, he wasn’t holding that tight, but I waited to see what he had to say. “I know I don’t owe you anything. You’re not an obligation or a regret or whatever it is you seem to think I see you as right now. I told you last week I was more than one hundred percent in this and nothing’s changed. Unless it’s changed for you?”

  But, what exactly was ‘this’? Was it the way I felt about him or was it keeping up appearances as friends?

  “What do you want from me, Xander,” I asked.

  “I don’t want you to be the one feeling obligated.”

  “Even if I did want to end this, I wouldn’t know how,” I hissed, thinking now was really not the time to start this conversation.

  “So, you don’t want to end it?”

  I sighed. “Look around you, can you see what we’ve done here? It’s damned madness.”

  “So? We’ll get through it together.”

  “Will we?”

  “What about that friendship thing you were talking about? Or are we only friends when it’s convenient? What happened to that whole loyalty thing?”

  “It goes both ways!”

  He nodded. “I know. But, what did you want me to do? Make a scene?”

  “Well, we couldn’t have that,” I said, sarcasm-heavy.

  “Babe, what’s the real problem here? Are you jealous? Did someone say something? Is there something I’m missing? Talk to me. I’m here for you.”

  I lay my head on his chest.

  Yes, I’d felt jealous seeing Jess and him like that. Yes, people were saying a whole bunch of things. I just didn’t think the school hallway was an appropriate or private enough place to talk about changing things in either direction.

  He wrapped his arms around me. “What’s up?”

  “I don’t know,” I told him.

  I felt him nod. “Okay. Anything I can do?”

  I shook my head against him. “No. Thanks, though.”

  “Always, Doll. We’re ‘Team Bowdeen’, it’s you and me against the world.”

  I pulled away to look at him and found him with that damn charming smile.

  “Okay, you and me against the gits,” he conceded.

  I felt myself smile at that. “Okay, Xander. It’s you and me against the gits.”

  I pressed a quick kiss to his lips and we went outside to meet up with our friends.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  The next week, I still hadn’t found the courage to talk to Xander and he hadn’t brought it up again.

  Nancy was walking around the school like she was a queen in her own right, talking to kids about how strong her relationship with Jason was and how she’d heard that Xander and I were having problems. I’d avoided most of her gossip for a while, but it was hard to miss this when she was sitting behind me in class. Funnily enough, she tended to only do it within earshot when Xander wasn’t in the same class.

  Miranda and Greg were stoic supporters, telling me not to worry about it and to ignore it. I was pretty sure Greg told Xander everything Nancy said after each lesson he missed, but Xander never mentioned it outright.

  I wondered how weird it was that the Bows – notoriously the most gossipy, shallow, conniving group in the whole school – were the ones avoiding salacious rumour when my old group – idJits was seeming more apt by the day – were spreading it around like it was going out of fashion. But, then I just realised that everything I’d seen in the last few weeks made it look like that’s how it had always been; the idJits spread the rumours and the Bows were the ones who just let it go while the rest of the school got on the bandwagon.

  More girls flirted with Xander and not all of them were wearing ‘Team Thomigan’ buttons. One even went so far as to kiss him and I had seriously strong feelings about it despite how quickly he pushed her away.

  There was absolutely nothing fake about the jealousy I felt as my heart got ready to Godzilla tantrum the crap out of her.
But, I refrained from any kind of violence, physical or verbal. Instead, I just turned and walked away.

  “Doll!” I heard Miranda call and then the distinct sound of Xander swearing.

  “Leave it, mate. Give her a minute,” I heard Greg say as I pushed my way into the girls’ bathrooms and took a deep breath.

  “Doll,” Miranda shoved her way in and I heard Greg and Xander squabbling outside the door.

  “I’m fine, Rand.” Although, it really wasn’t.

  “He didn’t want to–”

  “Fuck that!” Xander snapped at Greg as he fell through the door.

  “Xander! You can’t be in here,” Miranda said in a harsh whisper, then looked around to see if anyone else was in there.

  Xander looked around. “Huh. The girls’ loos really aren’t that much nicer than ours after all.”

  “Xander, get out.” I pointed behind him.

  “Babe, let me explain.”

  “I don’t need an explanation, Xander. I need a second to relax.”

  “You don’t understand. She just came onto me–”

  “I know!” I snapped, running my hand over my hair. “Xander, I know. But, I still need a second, okay?”

  Miranda started pushing him out of the room. “Come on, big guy. You can let her yell at you later.”

  I gave her a small smile.

  “We’ll meet you outside then, yeah?” Xander said in a small voice as he let Miranda push him outside.

  He wouldn’t let the door close until I’d nodded and I hated how much worry there was etched on his face.

  When they were gone, I took another deep breath.

  I totally believed she’d just come onto him. She was only the sixth girl in the last few days. But, that didn’t mean I’d enjoyed seeing it. It didn’t mean I enjoyed the reminder of everything I’d thought of him before all of this. So, he might not have been as much of a player as I’d thought; he’d still done pretty well for himself and I was past denying I wanted him to just be mine. I also didn’t enjoy the reminder that he could have any girl he wanted, so what was he doing with me?