The Blue-Haired Bombshell

by John Zakour

  I tapped the tempered glass. ‘‘This is unbreakable. Right?’’

  Both gorillas nodded yes, then one of them signed.

  HARV appeared through my wrist com.

  ‘‘Of course,’’ HARV translated. ‘‘The transparency of it is also voice-controlled for your privacy.’’

  One of the gorillas signed something else.

  ‘‘He wants to know if you wish for them to prepare you a shower . . .’’ HARV translated.

  ‘‘No. I’m a big boy, I can handle that myself.’’

  More ape gestures.

  ‘‘He says it’s tricky,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘That’s okay. I’m sure I can figure it out,’’ I said.

  HARV leaned forward toward the apes, put a hand next to his mouth and whispered just loud enough so I could hear it. ‘‘He has me to help him.’’

  A few more hairy-handed movements.

  ‘‘He says if you need anything at all just ring them,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘I will, my good apes,’’ I said to the gorillas.

  They each made more hand signals.

  ‘‘They both say they are actually great apes,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Sorry, no offense,’’ I said.

  The two apes gestured again.

  ‘‘They say only a little taken.’’

  One of the apes held out a giant hand. I shook it. I noticed he had something in that hand, it was a credit recorder.

  ‘‘I think he wants a tip,’’ HARV whispered to me.

  ‘‘For what? They just walked us to an elevator and into the suite. A chimp could have done it.’’

  I felt eight eyes on me.

  ‘‘Tió, don’t embarrass me in front of the apes,’’ Carol said in my brain.

  ‘‘Fine,’’ I sighed. I took the credit card and punched in a ten-credit tip.

  The apes looked at the tip, tipped their hats and then headed out.

  As we watched the elevator door close I asked, ‘‘Why does everybody want me to take a shower?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘Don’t look at me,’’ HARV said. ‘‘I have no olfactory receptors.’’

  I sniffed myself. ‘‘I don’t smell bad at all,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Of course you don’t,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Nobody ever smells bad to themselves. You might have worked up a sweat on the flight here.’’

  ‘‘My outfit is nano self-cleaning,’’ I reminded HARV though I was sure he didn’t need reminding.

  ‘‘Your attire, yes. Your body, no.’’

  ‘‘How could he work up a sweat?’’ Carol asked. ‘‘He slept most of the trip.’’

  I shook my head. ‘‘No, you and everybody else slept. I was fighting Elena.’’

  Carol just looked at me like I was crazy.

  ‘‘It’s true,’’ HARV said. ‘‘She put you all to sleep and then almost put Zach to sleep for good.’’

  ‘‘That little bitch,’’ Carol said.

  ‘‘She wanted to kill Sputnik then but I wouldn’t let her,’’ I said.

  Carol put her hands on her hips. ‘‘She took out an entire shuttle of psis like we were nothing. Then she stops time with her mind at the port. How the DOS did you stop her?’’

  HARV smiled and put his arm around me. ‘‘He had me.’’

  I pointed at HARV. ‘‘I had HARV, plus I had some tricks up my sleeve.’’

  I popped GUS into my hand. ‘‘That’s me he’s talking about,’’ GUS beamed.

  ‘‘Plus I’m not as easy to kill as most people think,’’ I added.

  ‘‘Captain Rickey is right—you are kind of like a cockroach,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘So that’s how I might have worked up a little sweat,’’ I said. ‘‘But I’m not offensive. At least, I don’t think I am . . .’’

  Carol walked toward me. ‘‘Fine. I don’t get paid enough for this job,’’ she mumbled. She leaned over and sniffed me.

  ‘‘Well?’’ I asked.

  Carol’s knees buckled. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, then closed. She fell forward. I caught her. She was limp as over cooked spaghetti.

  ‘‘Ha, ha. Very funny, Carol,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Fascinating,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Just as I suspected.’’

  I held Carol up, she was totally dead weight. ‘‘You suspected this?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘Yes, I actually do have olfactory sensors. I noticed that there has been some sort of weird interaction between your body underarmor, sweat, pheromones, and the chemicals in the air here. I surmised it would act as sort of an opposite sex knockout gas.’’

  ‘‘So she’s not faking?’’ I said, though I kind of suspected she wasn’t from her total lack of movement.

  ‘‘Nah, she’s out cold,’’ HARV said. ‘‘It’s really quite a fascinating phenomenon.’’

  ‘‘So what am I supposed to do?’’ I asked.

  HARV put a finger to his mouth. ‘‘I’m sure if you remove your body underarmor and take a nice shower you’ll be fine.’’

  ‘‘So I can’t wear my underarmor on the Moon?’’ I said.

  ‘‘Well, you’ve always wanted to make woman swoon,’’ HARV joked.

  ‘‘How come the nano cleaners aren’t working?’’ I asked.

  HARV huffed. ‘‘This is an interaction between your skin, the Moon, and the nano cleaners. They are working, just not the way you want them to work. I can perhaps inject nano cleaners into your skin if you like.’’

  I didn’t even respond to that.

  I picked Carol up and carried her over to the couch. ‘‘Ona, Twoa, and Threa use their pheromones to manipulate people, not knock them out,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Yes, because they have control of their powers,’’ HARV said. ‘‘You don’t.’’

  I gently put Carol on the couch.

  ‘‘She going to be all right,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Fine, I’ll go hit the showers and ditch the armor,’’ I said.

  HARV smiled. ‘‘That’s probably a wise plan.’’

  I walked into the master bedroom. It was nice. I figured since Carol had passed out, I got to choose the best room. DOS, I was the boss, I should have the best room. I got undressed and headed to the bathroom.

  The bathroom was almost as big as my house. I liked it. I stepped into the shower.

  ‘‘Greetings,’’ the shower said.

  ‘‘Greetings,’’ I said in return.

  ‘‘Please stand in the middle of the shower,’’ the shower requested.

  I did as I was told.

  ‘‘What temperature would you like?’’ the shower asked.

  ‘‘Surprise me,’’ I said.

  There was silence. Then, ‘‘I have learned when people say ‘surprise me’ they don’t really want to be surprised.’’

  ‘‘Nice and warm,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Please give me your warm parameters,’’ the shower asked.

  HARV chimed in from my wrist interface. ‘‘Just give him two degrees above body temperature.’’

  ‘‘Very good,’’ the shower said. ‘‘Would you like the complete surround shower experience?’’

  ‘‘Is there any other kind?’’ I said.

  ‘‘Well put,’’ the shower answered.

  My body was instantly cascaded with water from every conceivable angle, including two from underneath. It felt good, once I got used to the two bottom ones.

  I stood there basking in the shower in utter peace.

  ‘‘Don’t forget to wash under your arms,’’ HARV said.

  Okay, maybe not utter peace, but still relative peace. I lathered up. I washed down. I lathered up again. It felt good. It couldn’t last.

  ‘‘Uh-oh,’’ HARV said.

  I stopped lathering. ‘‘What?’’ It’s never a good sign when HARV says ‘‘uh-oh . . .’’

  ‘‘The Moon’s computer systems have all just re-booted,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Which means?’’

  ‘‘Which
means I can’t access them, I can’t relay to Earth, I’m blind except for what I see through your eyes and your communicator.’’

  ‘‘That means I’m blind to the outside world, too,’’ I said.

  ‘‘True,’’ HARV agreed.

  ‘‘I’m an unarmed, sitting duck in the shower,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Why aren’t you packing?’’ HARV said. I gave him props for talking the talk.

  ‘‘My old gun and knife rust in water,’’ I said opening up the shower door.

  ‘‘What about GUS?’’ HARV asked.

  ‘‘Frankly, I’m not all that comfortable bathing with one sentient machine, never mind two,’’ I said.

  Reaching for a towel, a big hairy hand grabbed me. I went flying across the room before I was even able to react. I crashed back first into a bidet. The bidet started spewing water. I looked up to see the biggest, hairiest, ugliest gorilla I’d ever seen bearing down on me.

  I was unarmed and armorless but I still had a supercomputer wired to my brain. ‘‘HARV send as much energy as you can to my left leg,’’ I thought.

  ‘‘Check,’’ HARV said in my head.

  The gorilla reached down for me just as I kicked up right between his legs. At least I hoped he was a he—that would make my attack more effective. The gorilla recoiled in pain when my foot hit its mark (well, marks). Yep, he was a guy. The force of the blow lifted him off the ground. He doubled over in pain holding his midsection.

  I shot up and headed toward my room. I may have gotten in one lucky kick but I knew I needed my weapons. I gave the ape a quick elbow strike to his kidneys as I passed him.

  Reaching the bedroom, I saw two other apes rifling through my stuff.

  ‘‘DOS,’’ I said.

  The two apes saw me and charged. I made a fist. ‘‘Soup me up good, HARV!’’ I shouted in my brain.

  Both apes made fists as they closed in on me. Their fists were the size of my head. If they made any contact, I was dead meat.

  ‘‘Careful,’’ HARV warned. ‘‘They are surprisingly fast . . .’’

  I knew HARV had to be right. The weird thing was, I saw their fists coming at me. I ducked under the first punch and sidestepped the second. It was easy. It was like the apes were in slow motion.

  The apes were sluggish but persistent. They each wound up with another punch. I saw both of their fists coming at me, only they were coming slowly. In fact, they were getting slower and slower, until they just stopped.

  I looked at the apes. They were just standing there, frozen in mid-punch.

  ‘‘You can thank me later,’’ a voice said from behind.

  I turned and there was Elena.

  ‘‘I’ll thank you now,’’ I said.

  Elena made a simple motion with her left hand sending the ape on her left flying into a wall. Duplicating the motion with her right hand caused the ape on the right to fling crashing into the wall. It was as if the apes were weightless.

  At that moment I realized something very important. I was stark naked. I put my hands in front of my personals, walked over to the bed, grabbed a sheet, and wrapped it around me.

  ‘‘Why’d you come back?’’ I asked Elena.

  Elena raised her right hand and squeezed it tightly. I fell to the ground, doubling over in pain. The harder she squeezed, the more pain rushed through my body. Elena walked over and knelt down beside me.

  ‘‘I’m the one who will be asking the questions,’’ she told me.

  ‘‘Fine,’’ I said, not being in a position to argue, yet.

  ‘‘Why did you stop me from killing Sputnik?’’ she asked.

  I tried to answer, I wanted to answer. The pain made it too hard to think, much less talk.

  Elena touched my shoulder. The pain stopped, I felt better than ever before.

  ‘‘Talk now,’’ she said.

  Looking up, I was so grateful for her stopping the pain, I forgot to be angry with her for causing it. DOS, this woman was good.

  ‘‘We can’t be sure Sputnik is guilty,’’ I said. I tried to push my way back to my feet.

  ‘‘Stay down,’’ Elena ordered.

  I stopped trying to stand. I crumbled back to the ground.

  ‘‘HARV, I could really use some help here,’’ I thought.

  ‘‘Your computer can’t help you now, Zachary,’’ Elena said. ‘‘I’ve learned how to control him through you.’’

  Oh, that was so NOT good.

  ‘‘It is good, Zachary,’’ Elena smiled. ‘‘Now your mind is totally free. By the way, it wasn’t your smell that knocked Carol out cold.’’ She thought for a second then said, ‘‘Well, it was the smell, but that was because I gave her the suggestion that if she got a whiff of you she’d pass out. I also planted the suggestion into HARV as to the cause.’’

  ‘‘You wanted me out of my armor,’’ I said.

  ‘‘I wanted to make sure you were separated from your armor and fancy weapon,’’ she said. ‘‘You hurt me on the shuttle and then at the port. I needed to make sure you didn’t get a chance to hurt me again.’’ She looked at the apes she clobbered.

  ‘‘Sorry about the apes; didn’t know they’d be after you, too,’’ she said.

  ‘‘Yeah, I’m in constant demand,’’ I said. ‘‘It’s a gift.’’

  She stroked me on the head. ‘‘Now if you don’t want the pain to start up again, Zachary, I suggest you tell me the truth.’’

  ‘‘I am telling the truth, just read my mind!’’ I shouted.

  ‘‘I tried,’’ she said. ‘‘But your mind is so scrambled I’m not sure you yourself know the truth. So I am going to act as the facilitator to help you reach the truth.’’

  ‘‘Facilitator or judge, jury, and executioner?’’ I asked.

  She smiled. It was a warm, friendly smile. At least that’s how I perceived it. ‘‘I don’t need to kill you. If I did, you’d be a pile of ashes now. I’ll just revert you to a baby, or make you think you’re a potted plant forever.’’

  ‘‘Thanks, you’re all . . .’’

  She swiped her finger slowly across my throat. I stopped talking. ‘‘You will only speak when I tell you to,’’ she said.

  ‘‘Why did you save Sputnik?’’ she asked. ‘‘I can feel that you despise him.’’

  I tried to talk, nothing happened.

  ‘‘Oops, sorry,’’ Elena said. She waved her hand over me. ‘‘You may talk now.’’

  ‘‘I’m not sure he’s guilty yet. You said you would give me more time!’’

  ‘‘I changed my mind. I saw Sputnik standing there hogging all the attention. I snapped. Anyhow, why delay the inevitable? Like I said, I’m sure he’s a guilty, rotten, spamball,’’ she said indignantly.

  ‘‘Yeah, but I need proof,’’ I caught a quick breath. ‘‘Besides, if you do start acting on your own they are going to hunt you down. Doesn’t matter how powerful you are, they will eventually get you.’’

  Elena turned her head away from me. I had hit a nerve. ‘‘I can fight them all. I can . . .’’

  ‘‘You can what, enslave them all?’’ I said.

  ‘‘It’s rude to interrupt,’’ she said. ‘‘I do not wish to be the ruler of the Moon or the Earth,’’ she said. She thought for a moment. ‘‘Though I can see worse possible rulers . . .’’

  ‘‘Besides,’’ I said drawing her back into the conversation. ‘‘I’m sure Sputnik is guilty of some crimes. DOS, what politician isn’t? I still don’t know the big picture here. Was he responsible for the council killings? Did he act alone?’’

  ‘‘He couldn’t have acted alone,’’ Elena said. ‘‘He never does anything himself.’’

  ‘‘That’s why if you kill him now we might not ever learn who really killed the World Council members and what their goals were.’’

  ‘‘Good point,’’ she said.

  ‘‘Thanks,’’ I said. ‘‘I try. There’s something else big going on here. I need to find out what and stop it.’’
/>   ‘‘Of course, you gave me another idea. Perhaps I should work on increasing my own power. Make everybody love everybody . . .’’

  ‘‘I don’t think that’s such a hot idea either,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Why not?’’ she asked.

  ‘‘Because then I’d have to stop you, too,’’ I said. ‘‘You don’t want that.’’

  ‘‘Zach, you caught me off guard twice. It won’t happen again,’’ Elena assured me.

  ‘‘I wouldn’t count on that, bitch,’’ Carol said from behind us.

  Carol hit Elena with an uppercut to the chin. The punch sent her head cocking up before her body went flying over.

  ‘‘That’s for making me rub your feet!’’ Carol shouted, rippling with energy.

  Carol glared at Elena, sending her crashing into the ceiling at breakneck (and break pretty much everything else) speed. ‘‘That’s for making me sniff my uncle’s armpits!’’ Carol shouted.

  Carol moved her head to the left, sending Elena smashing into the left wall. The force of the blow left a dent in the wall. Carol moved her head to the right, Elena went flying headfirst into the right wall. This drew blood.

  Carol glared at Elena, keeping her pinned to the wall.

  ‘‘Let’s see how good you do when you don’t have me off guard, bitch.’’

  I pushed myself up to my knees. ‘‘Carol, don’t kill her,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Why not?’’ Carol said, without taking her eyes off Elena.

  ‘‘She could have killed us and she didn’t,’’ I said.

  Carol released her mental grip on Elena. Elena slid down the wall, leaving a blood trail, rolling down the wall to the floor. She pushed herself up. She turned toward Carol and me. ‘‘You are so lucky I’m still weak from stopping time,’’ Elena said, finger pointed at us.

  Carol rolled her eyes. ‘‘You can’t begin to imagine the number of times I’ve heard that.’’

  ‘‘You’ve heard that before?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘What did I miss?’’ HARV said, coming back online. He looked around the room. ‘‘DOS, I missed a lot. Oh, by the way Zach, you’re naked,’’ he added.