The Blue-Haired Bombshell

by John Zakour

  ‘‘Good point,’’ Carol said. ‘‘And grab your weapon. We need to hold Elena until Bo and the others arrive.’’

  I grabbed the cover that I had been using and wrapped it around myself. I looked for GUS. ‘‘GUS, report,’’ I ordered.

  ‘‘I’m over here!’’ a voice beamed from the bed.

  I walked over and grabbed GUS. I pointed him at Elena. ‘‘If she tries to do anything, blast her,’’ I ordered GUS.

  ‘‘With pleasure,’’ GUS chirped.

  ‘‘Do you have her now?’’ Carol asked.

  ‘‘She’s locked in,’’ GUS said.

  ‘‘Great,’’ Carol said. She fell back into my arms.

  Elena smiled and wiped some blood off from her nose. ‘‘Even when I’m weak and not doing anything I’m doing something,’’ she said. ‘‘You both passed the test,’’ she said.

  ‘‘What test? I hate tests, except trivia tests. I find those kind of fun.’’

  I wasn’t paying any attention to HARV but I was sure he was rolling his eyes behind my back.

  ‘‘I was just seeing if you might possibly have a chance of stopping Sputnik,’’ Elena said.

  She took a step forward. She stopped. She heard something. I listened, I heard it, too. There were a number of people in the main room. ‘‘SPAM!’’ Elena shouted.

  Elena disappeared. A split nano later Sputnik, Lea, Melda, two other blue-haired women, and ten heavily armored apes poured into the room.

  Chapter 22

  ‘‘Is everybody okay?’’ Sputnik asked as the gorillas secured the room.

  ‘‘Fine now,’’ I said.

  Melda and Lea surveyed the damage. Melda walked up to me. ‘‘Sorry, about our gorillas there, Mr. Johnson,’’ she said. ‘‘They were younger ones and they tend to get carried away in trying to impress their superiors.’’

  ‘‘You’ve lost me,’’ I said.

  Sputnik smirked. ‘‘The gorillas on the Moon have a hierarchal system. You have to do something impressive to move up it. When security learned that you would be here, the less senior members thought this could be how they make their name, beating up Zach Johnson. Apparently, security personnel all over the known worlds know of you.’’

  ‘‘Nice to know my reputation preceds me,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Yeah, I bet there are security people on Mars already taking odds on who takes you out,’’ HARV said.

  Two ape security men dragged the unconscious ape out of the bathroom while four others cleaned up the two in the bedroom. Lea looked on with a sense of awe.

  ‘‘Amazing, it is true,’’ she said. ‘‘You do have an incredible knack for survival.’’

  ‘‘I do, but Elena helped . . .’’

  ‘‘Elena!’’ Lea and Melda both said.

  ‘‘Yeah, she was here too. She actually took out two of the apes.’’

  ‘‘What did she want with you?’’ Melda questioned.

  ‘‘Near as I can tell, to kill me,’’ I said. It wasn’t the complete truth, but it would have to do for now. ‘‘She blames me for saving you,’’ I said to Sputnik.

  Lea sniffed the air. ‘‘Yes, I do pick up my cousin’s scent here. I should have noticed sooner.’’

  Melda touched her daughter on the shoulder. ‘‘Elena is a tricky one. Don’t blame yourself, my daughter.’’

  Lea wasn’t paying attention. She was locked in on me. ‘‘You battled my cousin and lived to tell about it,’’ Lea said, now even more amazed.

  ‘‘Carol and HARV helped,’’ I said.

  ‘‘He’d have been dead years ago without us,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Ditto,’’ Carol, now conscious again, added.

  Despite HARV’s and Carol’s comments, Lea was impressed. She looked at me as if I was some sort of rock star or still a media darling. I looked at Sputnik looking at his daughter looking at me. His face was still smiling but his eyes weren’t. He was trying not to show his displeasure but his pupils constricted to pin size, disappearing into the gray of his iris, giving away his true feelings. He was used to being the only human alpha male around.

  Lea took my hand. ‘‘You have to tell me how you stood up to my cousin,’’ she nearly begged. ‘‘I’m one of the most powerful psis on the Moon and therefore one of the most powerful in existence, yet when Elena is angry she scares the moon dust out of me.’’ She squeezed my hand. ‘‘She’s dangerous, Zach.’’

  I looked past Lea to Sputnik, ‘‘So I repeat my question from earlier: why did you let her roam free?’’

  Sputnik shrugged, his pupils returning to normal size, ‘‘Until today she had committed no crimes. You may imprison innocent people on Earth, but we don’t work that way on the Moon.’’

  ‘‘We did know she had, issues,’’ Melda admitted. ‘‘We offered her special therapy. That’s why she went to Earth. She trusted Desma.’’

  ‘‘I know she has some strange thoughts racing through her amazingly powerful mind, but until today I never really thought she’d hurt me,’’ Sputnik said.

  I didn’t doubt him. Sputnik was the type of man who was so in love with himself he couldn’t begin to fathom that perhaps not everybody else in the universe shared his feelings. I was actually glad I’d be touring with him and Lea today; it would give me a chance to feel them out.

  Lea released my hand and turned to Sputnik. ‘‘Father, I wouldn’t be at all surprised now if Elena was behind those awful killings on Earth.’’

  Sputnik’s eyes lowered and his eyes turned inward. He wasn’t happy with his daughter but he was trying hard not to show it. ‘‘Now, now, dear daughter, let’s not raise pointless accusations. The authorities on Earth have a suspect in prison,’’ he said coolly. ‘‘Mooners, even the ultra, mega, omega crazo ones, do not kill innocent people.’’

  This gave me an opening. ‘‘What if some Mooner didn’t think the council members were innocent?’’ I asked. ‘‘Then they might be quite willing to kill.’’

  Silence.

  Lea took a step back from me physically but reached into my mind mentally. ‘‘Please, Zach, don’t go there,’’ she pleaded.

  Carol also popped into my head. ‘‘Whoa, Tió, slow it down. We’re on their turf, way outnumbered . . .’’

  HARV also chimed in, ‘‘Are you completely wacko? No wonder everybody wants to kill you.’’

  I thought about what they had all thought. They were right. This wasn’t the right place or time.

  I shrugged. ‘‘Just tossing out a hypothetical idea,’’ I said casually. ‘‘It’s my job to cover all the angles.’’

  Lea looked at me with those pretty green eyes. She subtly fired her beguiling smile at me and touched me gently on the shoulder. ‘‘Yes, that is your job, when you are working,’’ she said smile expanding with each word. ‘‘Only you’re not on a job now. You are here to visit your girlfriend, Electra, tomorrow, when she has some free time. Now, you’re going on a nifty tour of the Moon.’’

  Lea was right. I wasn’t on a job. I just wanted to see Electra tomorrow, when she has some free time. DOS, that Lea was smart. Now I was going on a nifty tour of the Moon. Hold on a nano, I don’t say nifty. I don’t even usually think about thinking about considering saying nifty. DOS! That girl was in my brain.

  Lea smiled and rubbed me on the shoulder, ‘‘Trust me, Zachary, you will really enjoy the tour and seeing what a wonderful place the Moon is.’’

  I returned her smile. I trusted her. I was going to really enjoy this tour. Though I’m not sure why I needed the tour as I already knew what a wonderful place the Moon was. Maybe I’d see if I could summer here?

  ‘‘What the DOS are you thinking,’’ Carol said in my brain.

  ‘‘Surely you can do some thinking on your own?’’ HARV said in my head. ‘‘Carol, without us he’d be cleaning Lea’s toes with his tongue right now,’’ HARV continued.

  ‘‘Gross! But true,’’ Carol answered HARV, relayed via my brain.

  ‘‘Poor Zac
h,’’ GUS toned in from inside my gray matter.

  ‘‘GUS?’’ Carol, HARV and I all thought.

  ‘‘Yep,’’ GUS said proudly. ‘‘I’m using HARV’s interface.’’

  ‘‘Everybody stay out of my brain!’’ I thought as loudly as I could. ‘‘There’s barely enough room in there for HARV and me,’’ I said, not believing that I included HARV as part of my brain.

  ‘‘How very true,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Why couldn’t Dr. Pool have inserted me into Steven Hawking’s clone’s brain?’’

  Lea stroked me on the shoulder. ‘‘Zach, are you okay?’’

  I popped back to the matters at hand. Sure, there are times when having a computer hooked to your brain, a powerful psi assistant, and an intelligent weapon can be good . . . This wasn’t one of them.

  ‘‘Perhaps Mr. Johnson would like the tour on another day?’’ Sputnik offered.

  ‘‘The Moon does have slightly less gravity and less nitrogen than Earth. Some people react oddly,’’ Melda added.

  ‘‘And he has fought with three ambitious security apes and with Elena,’’ Lea said. She looked at me with sad eyes. ‘‘If you want to delay we understand.’’

  I smiled at her and touched her lightly on the shoulder. ‘‘Believe me, angry apes and crazy psis are just an average day for me. It’s going to take a lot more than that to keep me off the tour.’’

  Sputnik grinned. This time, I wasn’t sure if he was actually happy or acting. He clasped his hands together. ‘‘In that case, let us begin the tour before somebody or something else attacks Mr. Johnson,’’ he said.

  ‘‘Probably a good idea,’’ I agreed.

  Bo Sputnik patted me on the back, ‘‘Then let’s go, my friend. I’m sure you’ll see what a wonderful, love-filled place of science and wonder the Moon is.’’

  Chapter 23

  We exited the hotel and split into two groups. Carol and Melda went one way in a cute little bright orange, two-seat domed car; a car so small it looked like they could pedal it.

  On the other end of the spectrum, our vehicle was a long and sleek red stretch carriage all-element hover. Besides myself, my group consisted of Sputnik, Lea, an ape driver, another ape riding shotgun, two more additional ape security ‘‘men,’’ and two young, tall, light-blue-haired Asian looking girls named Windee and Aprill. For a guy who claimed to rule a love-filled world, Sputnik traveled with a lot of security.

  As we drove through the sparkling clean streets of the Moon, Sputnik lectured about this and that. How, due to its controlled environment, the Moon was much more sterile than the Earth. I couldn’t argue. The entire place looked and felt as if it was constantly being washed and waxed. Of course it should look clean— most of the buildings were less than twenty years old.

  While Sputnik droned on about the virtues of the Moon, I took in the sights, confident HARV was getting down any information I might need.

  The first thing that stood out was that the streets weren’t nearly as crowded and as congested as your average big Earth city streets. Sure there were people moving all about, but they certainly were able to keep ample space between them. The general Moon populace seemed slimmer and trimmer than the general Earth populace. Even without the blue or blue-streaked hair it would have been easy for my trained eye to separate your average Mooner from the average Earther. They just carried themselves differently.

  The streets also seemed much more open than Earth streets. All the vehicles on the roads, except ours, were small, one- to three-person transportation devices. They looked like boxes on wheels with little domes over them. Apparently this was because on the Moon only a very select few have their own vehicles for transportation. Most of the populace shared interchangeable vehicles (I.V.s for short). One car type fits all. The Moon owned a fleet of compact, very boring cars that only varied by a user programmable color.

  The vehicle we were riding in was a horse of a completely different color. It was huge and stuck out like the queen at a Roller Derby match. Our vehicle looked like one of those old horse-drawn carriages, sans the horses. I was surprised Sputnik didn’t attach a couple of robot steeds. The carriage had four rows of seats. The ape driver and his lookout ape sat in the first row of two cockpitlike seats. I was seated in the second row with Lea on my left and Sputnik on my right. The seats were so big and wide there was easily room for three more of us in this row.

  The third row was also wide. Windee and Aprill were so slender they looked lost sitting there by themselves.

  Bringing up the back were the other two ape security guards. They were big and bulky, even by gorilla terms. The sad thing was the back row only had about a quarter of the room the second and third rows did. I’ve seen canned sardines with more personal space. The apes didn’t seem to mind too much. Though, truthfully, it was a bit hard to tell since they had their eyes covered with sunglasses. I didn’t bother to point out to them that we were on the Moon in a controlled environment. I knew they knew this. I’m smart enough to understand that when the spam hits the fan you want the big apes with big guns on your side. You don’t go busting them about their strange choice in eyewear. Besides, it gave them a cool and aloof security dude kind of look.

  ‘‘You’re thinking about the apes in sunglasses, aren’t you?’’ HARV said in brain.

  ‘‘No,’’ I thought back flatly.

  The word LIAR scrolled across my eyes.

  ‘‘Okay, maybe,’’ I thought back.

  ‘‘Those aren’t normal glasses,’’ HARV said. ‘‘They are actually communication devices, specially enhanced PIHI-Pods behind the earpieces that hold the glasses on. The apes are constantly receiving feedback from all over the Moon.’’

  ‘‘Why?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘To keep Sputnik safe,’’ HARV said.

  Lea tilted her head and looked at me kind of strangely. ‘‘Are you okay, Zachary?’’ she asked.

  ‘‘Fine, fine,’’ I said.

  Lea leaned over toward me. ‘‘I think it’s silly that the apes wear shades, too,’’ she whispered. She drew back and smiled. ‘‘Don’t know why they can’t wear regular PIHI-Pods . . .’’

  I wasn’t sure what to make of Lea. Was that a warning? Was she actually agreeing with me? Could she pick through my mind that easily? Was it just a lucky guess? I guess time would tell.

  The tour continued. We drove past a tall glass building that was the Moon’s Science and Learning Center. We didn’t go into the building as Sputnik said the scientists and researchers employed there were far too busy advancing technology and finding cures for diseases that didn’t even exist yet to be bothered by a tour. He pointed out that that was one of the advantages scientists on the Moon had: they were automatically well-funded so they didn’t have to kowtow and bend over backward to politicians and businesses begging for research money.

  Next, we drove through the Moon’s Art and Culture Museum. When I say we drove through, I mean literally drove through. The museum was a drive-thru which, according to Sputnik, revolutionized the museum experience as patrons no longer had to get out of their vehicles to appreciate the art. The artists were happier as not only did more people get to see their work, but since the people were all in vehicles, that meant there would be much less touching of their work. The art for the most part (except for the cheese sculptures) wasn’t all that different from what I remembered seeing the last time I ventured to an Earth-based museum.

  Leaving the museum, Sputnik nudged me in the ribs with his elbow. ‘‘So, Zach, what do you think of our lovely Moon so far?’’ he asked.

  ‘‘Well, I haven’t fallen asleep. So that’s a good sign,’’ I said.

  Sputnik smiled. ‘‘You really are as witty as Melda said.’’

  ‘‘Really? We had such little contact back on Earth. Usually it takes people more time to truly appreciate my sense of humor,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Tell me about it,’’ HARV said appearing from my wrist communicator. ‘‘I’ve been with Zach for over seve
n years now and I am just barely able to comprehend his so-called wit.’’

  Sputnik nodded. ‘‘Out of all my special wives, Melda is the most special,’’ he said. ‘‘She is much more perceptive than the average human.’’

  ‘‘All your wives?’’ I said, testing how he’d react.

  ‘‘Yes. Surely you understand we here on the Moon have more open views on marriage than most of Earth,’’ Sputnik said, his smile growing wider with the thought of each wife.

  ‘‘How many wives do you have?’’ I asked.

  Sputnik shrugged. ‘‘I don’t count them,’’ he said casually, as if talking about his tie collection. Actually, no. From the finely pressed suit he was wearing, he probably spent more time thinking about his wardrobe.

  ‘‘Seven,’’ Lea, Windee, and Aprill all said at once.

  ‘‘Apparently others do count them,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Well I love each and every one of them,’’ Sputnik said.

  ‘‘Yes, I bet you do,’’ I agreed.

  Sputnik looked away from me. ‘‘I can’t expect an Earther to understand,’’ he said, this time not even pretending to care about what I thought. Leaning over the seat he tapped the driver on the shoulder.

  The ape driver turned back to see what Sputnik wanted. Sputnik pointed to at a fairly large dome-shaped building dominating the end of the street.

  ‘‘Pull over by the Tracking and Blocking Station. Let’s show Mr. Johnson why the Moon is so important.’’

  The ape nodded in agreement and did as he was told. We drove up and parked in the large courtyard surrounding the unassuming looking building. It reminded me of an indoor tennis court.

  Sputnik jumped out of the car first. He looked at me, urging me to follow. ‘‘Come on, Mr. Johnson. Let me show you our pride and joy.’’

  I followed Sputnik out of the car. I turned to the women. ‘‘Are you ladies coming?’’ I asked.

  Sputnik gave them an indifferent wave. ‘‘Nah, they don’t find this exciting at all.’’

  ‘‘He’s right,’’ Lea said.

  ‘‘I’ve seen it a million times,’’ Melda said.