The Blue-Haired Bombshell

by John Zakour

  ‘‘Boring!’’ Aprill added.

  Windee just bobbed her head in agreement.

  ‘‘We won’t be long,’’ Sputnik told his ladies.

  He took my arm, nearly dragging me into the building. The building itself was one large room with a series of control panels running along the walls. The domed ceiling acted as a holographic planetarium and was dotted with stars. Working away, like busy little blue-haired beavers, were a blue-haired woman in her mid-forties, a young blue-haired man, and four smaller primates, which I quickly figured out were orangutans. (HARV told me that was because, as almost everybody knows, orangutans are much more suited for mental labor than gorillas. He then of course scolded me for not knowing this.) Humans and primates were all wearing bright yellow outfits that looked like a mix of jumpsuits and lab coats. They all snapped to attention when they saw Sputnik.

  ‘‘Mr. Sputnik, sir,’’ the lady said, ‘‘we didn’t know you would be dropping by today, unannounced.’’

  Sputnik walked up to her. ‘‘I didn’t know I needed to report in.’’

  A few beads of sweat formed on the woman’s head. You could tell she wanted to wipe them off but she didn’t. ‘‘No, sir. Of course not.’’

  ‘‘At ease,’’ Sputnik told the group. He pointed to me. ‘‘I’m just showing Mr. Johnson here the Moon’s pride and joy.’’

  ‘‘This is the Moon’s Asteroid Tracking and Blocking Station,’’ HARV whispered in my mind.

  ‘‘Yeah, kind of figured that out,’’ I mentally whispered back.

  ‘‘Zach, I’m sure you know what this place is?’’ Sputnik said, pointing to the ceiling.

  ‘‘See, Sputnik trusts my intelligence,’’ I thought to HARV.

  ‘‘He doesn’t know you that well,’’ HARV answered.

  ‘‘It’s the Moon’s Asteroid Tracking and Blocking Station,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Yes, the MAT&BS,’’ Sputnik spouted proudly. ‘‘This is the most important building to Earth and it’s here on the Moon. We keep Earth safe from nasty asteroids.’’

  ‘‘We all appreciate it,’’ I said with as much sincerity as I could fake.

  He looked me dead in the eyes. I felt the eyes of the others in room lock on me. ‘‘Do you, Mr. Johnson? Do you?’’

  Sputnik pointed upward to the dome. In midst of all the stars and satellites was one giant dot. ‘‘Do you see that?’’ He asked me.

  I nodded.

  ‘‘That is asteroid Zeta Alpha Pi, it is twelve kilometers long by nine kilometers wide. It will pass by Earth tomorrow at noon eastern time, missing it by only ten thousand kilometers.’’

  One of the orangutans pushed a control panel with his or her foot. A simulated path lit up on the dome. It showed the big rock spinning past Earth.

  ‘‘Close call,’’ I said, not being able to think of anything but the obvious.

  Sputnik held up a finger. ‘‘Yes, but say it wasn’t going to miss . . . say its path was a mere one degree different.’’

  The orangutan maneuvered his or her foot over the pad. The simulated path reversed then disappeared from the ceiling. The big rock changed course, dropping down, putting it on a direct collision course with the Earth.

  ‘‘If a rock of this size were to strike your planet, it would hit with more power than a blast from all the nuclear bombs currently on Earth,’’ Sputnik lectured, looking up at the ceiling. He lowered his head to my level. ‘‘Do you know what that means, Mr. Johnson?’’

  ‘‘It would be bad.’’

  ‘‘Bad?’’ he questioned.

  ‘‘Okay, real bad, of biblical proportions kind of bad,’’ I said.

  ‘‘It would destroy life on Earth as you know it,’’ Sputnik said, with a bit more glee in his voice than I was comfortable with.

  ‘‘Well, that is what I call bad,’’ I said.

  ‘‘But, thanks to us here on the Moon, that won’t happen,’’ Sputnik said proudly. ‘‘Because of our Moon-based deflector ray, we can gently push any Earth killers onto a different trajectery.’’

  I looked up at the dome. It showed a beam of energy emanating from the Moon then hitting the incoming asteroid. The asteroid changed course and once again glided past the Earth.

  Sputnik looked up and smiled. ‘‘Of course this is only a simulation to depict what happens. In real life it’s not so fast.’’

  The orangutans and humans in the room nodded their heads in agreement.

  ‘‘Yeah, I kind of got that,’’ I said.

  Sputnik leaned on one of the control panels. ‘‘So you see, Mr. Johnson, we saved Earth.’’

  ‘‘Well, you saved Earth from an asteroid that’s not really going to hit Earth,’’ I pointed out.

  Sputnik’s smile straightened somewhat. ‘‘My point is, if it was going to hit, we wouldn’t have let it. We are constantly patrolling the skies, tracking thousands of objects.’’

  ‘‘And again, we thank you,’’ I said. ‘‘Well, not really you, I guess, but the people who work here.’’

  Sputnik’s smile completely dissolved. ‘‘Those who work here work here at my pleasure,’’ he said. I was kind of expecting him to stomp his foot. If he wasn’t such a well-trained politician he probably would have.

  ‘‘I’m sure,’’ I said. ‘‘The point is, the asteroid was going to miss Earth. But believe me we on Earth are grateful that you’ve got our backs.’’

  ‘‘Are you, Mr. Johnson?’’ he asked.

  ‘‘Sure,’’ I shrugged. ‘‘If you want I can have everybody send you a Holiday e-card.’’

  The apes and Mooners took a step back. They didn’t want to be nearby if Sputnik exploded.

  ‘‘Way to taunt your host,’’ HARV said.

  HARV was right, I was taunting, well more like testing. I needed to see what Sputnik was made of, what made him tick. I wanted to gauge how easily he was thrown off his game, how seriously he took himself.

  Sputnik looked at me with a tilted head. He smiled. ‘‘You’re a wise one, Mr. Johnson. You want to see how I will react.’’

  I put my hands up in the universal ‘‘I don’t really know’’ position. He was onto me, but I wasn’t going to let him know that. Good P.I.’s are great bluffers. ‘‘Just letting you know that we appreciate the work the people of the Moon do, even if we don’t always say it.’’

  Sputnik put his arm around me. Frankly, it made me uncomfortable, but I was on his turf so I gave him a little leeway.

  ‘‘Come,’’ he said. ‘‘Let us continue our tour of the Moon.’’

  We started out of the building.

  ‘‘Just curious, where’s the actual deflector beam located?’’

  ‘‘It’s outside in the native area,’’ he answered as we went outside. ‘‘You should see it.’’

  Sputnik and I walked to the vehicle and got in.

  ‘‘To the native area,’’ Sputnik ordered the ape driver.

  I wasn’t thrilled with the sound of that.

  The driver gave him a polite salute. An instant later the carriage was lifting off the ground. We rose higher and higher toward the top of the protective dome.

  ‘‘Where are we going?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘Don’t be a baby,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘To show you what the people of Earth think of the Moon,’’ Sputnik told me.

  As we rose higher and higher I noticed that the upper portions of the dome encompassing the city had wide openings. These openings led to long, wide pressurized tubes, kind of like circular see-through tunnels. As we entered one of the tubes a protective dome rose from the back of our carriage, closing on top of us.

  ‘‘We will be leaving the controlled environment in two Moon minutes,’’ a computerized voice said. ‘‘In case of emergency, you have a rapid deployment Moon suit under your seat,’’ the voice added.

  Sputnik turned to me. ‘‘Yep, we even have a couple lawyers here on the moon.’’

  ‘‘So it’s not the perfect society,’’ I s
aid.

  Sputnik didn’t reply, but I could have sworn I noticed him grin ever so slightly.

  Bursting out of the tube, our vehicle started gliding high above the lunar surface. The bumpy, rocky terrain was a stark contrast to the green, clean inner city. Honestly, I wasn’t sure which one I preferred. Sure I couldn’t breathe out here but the area still had a cold, natural look that appealed to me. HARV’s right—I do have a weird side.

  Sputnik turned to me. ‘‘First, Mr. Johnson, I showed you what we here on the Moon think of our home. It’s an oasis for science, art, and thinking. Now, I am going to show you what Earth thinks of our home.’’

  Lea leaned forward, ‘‘Father, Mr. Johnson doesn’t enjoy heights. Perhaps you should ask the driver to go lower.’’

  Sputnik turned toward me. ‘‘Is this true?’’ He asked. ‘‘A big macho man like you, a hero, scared of heights?’’

  ‘‘Scared may be too strong a word,’’ I said slowly.

  ‘‘It’s true,’’ HARV said.

  Lea leaned over to me. ‘‘If you want I can help you get over your fear. My sisters and I are all therapists.’’ She ran her hand gently up my arm. ‘‘I can help you,’’ she said out loud and in my head.

  I took her hand and gently removed it from my arm. ‘‘That’s okay, I like my vulnerabilities. They add to my charm.’’

  Lea looked up at me. ‘‘True.’’

  ‘‘Gag me,’’ HARV said in my head.

  Looking at Sputnik he had about the same reaction, only he was trying hard not to let on. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea of his daughter paying so much attention to me. Not sure if it was because I was from Earth or because I wasn’t him. Whatever the case, Sputnik wasn’t happy and for some reason that made me happy.

  Sputnik wasn’t the biggest scumbag I had dealt with in my career. DOS, he probably wasn’t even in the top ten. Despite that, I didn’t trust him or like him. Now I just had to figure out if that was because of an innate distrust of politicians and bureaucrats or something more sinister. If history held to form, it would be a combination of both.

  Anxious to get my attention back on track, Sputnik pointed off in the distance.

  ‘‘That, Mr. Johnson, is how most of Earth thinks of the Moon.’’

  We were kilometers away from the object of Sputnik’s scorn, yet I plainly saw it coming into view. It was a giant mound of toxic waste holding barrels.

  ‘‘Why do you light it up?’’ I asked.

  Sputnik shook his head. ‘‘It glows on its own a little,’’ he said, ‘‘but we light it so we never forget what Earth really thinks of us.’’

  ‘‘Oh . . .’’ I said.

  ‘‘We charge the lighting fees back to the World Council,’’ Aprill added, showing that she could talk.

  ‘‘We call it a maintenance fee,’’ Windee snickered.

  ‘‘Glad to know you girls find pleasure in the Earth using us as their garbage dump,’’ Sputnik scolded.

  The girls sank back into their seats. ‘‘Sorry, Daddy.’’

  ‘‘We’re just making the best of a bad situation,’’ Lea said.

  ‘‘Besides, it’s toxic waste, not garbage,’’ HARV said appearing from my communicator.

  I was relieved to see HARV giving another human a hard time for once.

  ‘‘Earth has been recycling its garbage for decades now,’’ HARV said.

  We closed in on the mountain of toxic waste. It was a monument to something, I just wasn’t sure what. It towered over every other structure on the Moon, blue barrel piled on top of blue barrel.

  Sputnik grinded his teeth. ‘‘Earth could recycle their toxic waste if they wanted. They’ve just deemed the process non-cost-effective.’’

  ‘‘That sounds like something the World Council would come up with,’’ I said.

  HARV squinted his eyes at me. ‘‘Whose side are you on?’’ he asked.

  ‘‘My own.’’

  ‘‘The point is,’’ Sputnik said, ‘‘Earth treats us like toxic waste.’’

  ‘‘Oh please,’’ HARV said, rolling his eyes. ‘‘You’re an administrator; you of all people should appreciate trying to save a few billion credits.’’

  ‘‘With all due respect, Mr. HARV,’’ Lea said. ‘‘You aren’t even human.’’

  HARV patted her on the head. ‘‘Silly human. You don’t have to be a fish in a tank to know what a fish in a tank is feeling.’’

  As frustrating as this was for Lea and Bo Sputnik, this wasn’t even close to the strangest conversation I had ever had with HARV.

  ‘‘Please,’’ Sputnik said to HARV. ‘‘She is more than human. She and her sisters and the occasional brother are the next steps in human evolution.’’

  HARV crossed his arms and dug in. ‘‘Perhaps, but they are still a couple rungs down the evolutionary ladder from me.’’

  ‘‘You have to forgive HARV,’’ I coaxed, taking on the unfamiliar role of peacemaker. ‘‘He doesn’t always play well with others.’’

  HARV looked up, rolled his eyes, and sighed. ‘‘You only need to play well with others if you need those others to cooperate with you. I have no need of that.’’

  ‘‘HARV, what the DOS are you trying to do here?’’ I thought at him. ‘‘You’re acting more antagonistic than normal.’’

  ‘‘True,’’ HARV thought back. ‘‘Might be something about the Moon’s atmosphere that alters my chip circuits. I kind of like it.’’

  ‘‘Yeah, but you’re going get me launched into space,’’ I said.

  ‘‘And that is bad because?’’

  ‘‘HARV! If I get killed you probably won’t have another human brain to bond with for a long time.’’

  HARV thought for a nano. ‘‘I’ll try to behave.’’

  I decided to try to force the topic of conversation back to something more useful or, at the very least, less damaging. ‘‘I thought you were going to show me where the deflector beam is based?’’

  Sputnik shook his head. ‘‘Sorry, that’s classified.’’

  ‘‘Then why did you bring it up?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘I only vaguely alluded to it,’’ Sputnik said.

  ‘‘But . . .’’

  ‘‘Mr. Johnson, if I told you I wanted to bring out to the surface of the Moon to show you toxic waste, I think you would have put up much more of a fuss.’’

  He was right. Mounds and mounds of toxic waste wasn’t high on my must-see list under the best of circumstances. Flying above it on the dark side of the Moon made it even less appealing.

  Without any warning, our vehicle rocked violently, juggling us all about. Except of course for HARV, who adjusted his signal so he remained steady.

  ‘‘Another advantage of being a hologram,’’ HARV noted.

  It wasn’t hard to notice that the vehicle had stopped moving forward. Sputnik reached over slapping the ape driver’s shoulder.

  ‘‘What’s going on?’’ he ordered.

  The ape just shrugged, taking both hands off the steering wheel.

  ‘‘Hold on the wheel, fool,’’ Sputnik shouted.

  The ape made some hand movements.

  ‘‘What do you mean you’re not controlling the craft?’’ Sputnik asked.

  On those words the craft lurched forward and started twisting its way toward the Moon’s surface at about a ninety degree angle.

  Not good. Not good at all.

  Chapter 24

  With our vehicle hurling toward the ground, the computer auto voice came on.

  ‘‘Warning, rapid decent noticed, please activate your Moon surface suits.’’

  I felt under my seat. My hand touched a button.

  ‘‘Just position your feet in the glowing footpads,’’ Lea said pointing down to the floor, ‘‘then activate the button under your seat. The suits will do the rest.’’

  I did as directed. I placed my feet on the foot-shaped patterns on the floor I hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t easy, as our craft was quick
ly spiraling toward the ground. Reaching under my seat, I pressed the first button my finger felt. A skin-tight coating started wrapping itself up my body.

  ‘‘Wow, cool use of intelligent nano fabrics,’’ HARV said watching the fabric encase my body.

  Sputnik couldn’t have been glowing more if he had swallowed some of that toxic waste down below us, though, unfortunately, no longer that far below us. ‘‘Invented by Moon scientists,’’ he said proudly. ‘‘They apply quickly and let us survive on the surface of the Moon for thirty minutes; more than ample time for rescue teams to find us.’’

  ‘‘Just great,’’ I said. ‘‘All we have to do is survive the impending crash.’’

  ‘‘I suggest we all buckle in,’’ Lea said. ‘‘The ride down is going to be rough.’’

  That girl had a gift for understatement. Our vehicle was shaking, vibrating, and spinning as it plunged toward the ground. The gorilla pilot was wrestling with the controls, trying to slow our descent. If it was helping, it wasn’t helping a lot.

  Looking out over the side of the vehicle I could see the lunar surface spinning closer and closer to us. Actually, we were the ones spinning and getting nearer to the surface, but it sounds so much more dramatic the other way around.

  DOS, this was going to be ugly. Despite the best efforts of the driver and the psis onboard, our craft hadn’t slowed down nearly enough to enable us to survive a crash. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something, no, somebody, some very shapely body.

  ‘‘Do you see what I think I see?’’ I asked HARV.

  He zoomed in on the image. There, standing defiantly on the surface, fists and head raised to the sky, was Elena. She was wearing a short purple dress accented by purple high heels. Her hair was also now tinted purple. I didn’t know if this was a good sign or a bad sign. I was pretty certain that Elena was mentally pulling our vehicle to the ground, which meant we weren’t going to crash unless she wanted us to crash. That didn’t mean we weren’t all going to die.

  Lea noticed Elena before I had a chance to point her out to the others.

  ‘‘Elena is here,’’ she said softly. ‘‘She is the one behind this.’’

  ‘‘That bitch!’’ Windee said. ‘‘This is not sisterly at all.’’