The Blue-Haired Bombshell

by John Zakour

  ‘‘Why are you looking at me?’’ she asked. She studied my face and poked into my brain. ‘‘I look terrible. Don’t I?’’ she said.

  ‘‘Not terrible, just not as good as usual,’’ I told her.

  She exhaled. ‘‘Do you need me for anything now?’’

  ‘‘I do, but you can’t be much help since I break into song whenever I try to explain what’s going on.’’

  ‘‘So you don’t mind if I go shower?’’ she asked.

  I shook my head. ‘‘Sounds like a plan.’’

  ‘‘I’ll see you in an hour,’’ Carol said.

  She turned and headed toward her room.

  ‘‘Take two,’’ I said.

  I needed to communicate with Ona, problem was even with Carol in her room, HARV was still going to be able to hear me. HARV couldn’t just go to his room. He, for better or for worse, and in this case it seemed to be extra worse, was a part of me.

  ‘‘We still have a problem. Don’t we?’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Yeah, I need to communicate with somebody Earthside but without you hearing it. Can you turn yourself off like Lea did to you?’’

  HARV shook his head. ‘‘No, I can’t. That was quite an unpleasant experience, just floating around in a matrix of ones and zeroes, me and my thoughts.’’

  ‘‘What if I shock myself?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘That would break our link until I rebooted,’’ HARV said.

  I popped GUS into my hand. ‘‘What’s up?’’ GUS asked as excited as ever. ‘‘I detect no danger.’’

  ‘‘I need you to shock me,’’ I said to GUS.

  There was silence.

  ‘‘I’m serious,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Zach, sir, I am not programmed to help you be masochistic,’’ GUS informed me.

  ‘‘That’s not it. I need to take HARV offline for a bit.’’

  ‘‘Ah, why?’’

  ‘‘It’s not your job to question me, GUS.’’

  More silence. Then finally, ‘‘True. How many volts do you need?’’

  I looked at HARV.

  ‘‘Five thousand should do the trick. With my defenses down that should knock me out for three minutes.’’

  So, that was that. One little shock and I would shut HARV down and be able to communicate with Ona. Then all I needed to do was convince her to convince the other World Council members to grant the Moon independence, or else. The problems in this scenario were many. You know a plan is not all that sound when the easiest part is getting yourself electrocuted.

  I have dealt with Ona and her sisters and they can be quite stubborn under the best of circumstances. Once they get their minds set on something, it’s like they are set in new extra-improved titanium reinforced concrete. It’s not that you can’t break through, but it takes either a lot of time and effort or a really big bomb. I was afraid I didn’t have either in my arsenal. In fact, my armory was less stocked than the old Italian army’s.

  I had no good reason for them to act the way I wanted them to act. No proof of what was going to come if they didn’t. Saying ‘‘or else’’ to somebody loses a lot of its punch when they ask ‘‘or else what?’’ and you just kind of shrug.

  The scary thing was I knew the ‘‘or else’’ was going to be big. I wouldn’t be electrocuting myself if I wasn’t so sure. Sad, really. I could see why I was the only freelance P.I. left in the world. Especially since I was working this case for free.

  I lifted GUS up with my left hand.

  ‘‘Okay, I’m ready.’’ I told him.

  ‘‘About time,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘You’re not the one getting shocked,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Great, Zach, it’s always about you, isn’t it?’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘GUS shock me, then turn yourself off,’’ I said.

  I took a deep breath. I waited. Nothing.

  ‘‘Ah, GUS?’’

  ‘‘Are you sure about this, Mr. Zach, sir?’’

  ‘‘I’m sure.’’

  ‘‘Without HARV and me, and with Carol resting, you will be defenseless if gorillas attack again.’’

  I leaned my head back and rolled my eyes. Who would have though it would be so hard to shock myself?

  ‘‘Believe me, GUS, I took care of myself for a long time without you, HARV, or Carol.’’

  ‘‘Yes, it’s a wonder he survived,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Remember, I have my backup gun and a knife in ankle holsters.’’

  ‘‘You have a knife fetish. Don’t you?’’ GUS said.

  ‘‘Just do it, GUS!’’

  I’m not sure if I yelped or not. I think I did. I felt the electricity tear from my hand and cleave into my body. The force of the shock sent me hurling backward maybe two meters, tripping over the couch and hitting the floor. Luckily, the plush golden carpet cushioned my fall. I pushed myself up to one knee.

  ‘‘HARV?’’ I said out loud and in my head.

  No answer.

  I stood up and walked over to the call button on the wall. I pressed it.

  The holographic image of the hotel’s customer assistance aid appeared in the middle of the room. No surprise that she was a pretty, blue-haired Asian looking woman in her mid-twenties.

  ‘‘Yes, Mr. Johnson, how may I help you?’’ She leaned forward examining my image closer. ‘‘Are you okay?’’

  ‘‘I’m fine.’’ I glanced at my own image in a mirror on the wall. My hair was standing on edge. ‘‘I’m experimenting with a new hair gel,’’ I said.

  She grinned politely. ‘‘I can see why you wear that fedora so often.’’ She paused for a minute to compose herself. ‘‘How may I assist you? Should I send up a nice massage therapist/hair consultant?’’

  It was tempting, but, ‘‘I need to place a holo-call Earthside,’’ I said.

  The smile stayed planted on her face, only now her head was shaking no. ‘‘I’m sorry, sir, but communications with Earth are currently being restricted.’’ She looked down and touched her PIHI-Pod. She looked up at me. The smile was still there but head was now steady. ‘‘I seem to be mistaken,’’ she said. ‘‘You are cleared for your call. Whom do you wish to speak to?’’

  I grinned at her. ‘‘If I’m cleared, you know who I need to contact,’’ I said.

  She tilted her head toward her control panel. ‘‘I am placing the call now to Ms. Thompson. I cannot guarantee I will get through. She is an important woman and I am a lowly customer support specialist from the Moon.’’

  ‘‘Drop my name,’’ I said.

  The image of the cute little customer support specialist in a lobby morphed into a bikini clad (or more like unclad) Ona sitting by her pool. The holo-image panned to reveal that Twoa and Threa were also pool-side, equally unclad, except Twoa, who had her high-heeled boots on. It made for an interesting look. I liked it, despite my best efforts not to.

  ‘‘Hello, Zach,’’ Ona said.

  I had to give the Moon tech workers credit, the surround hologram was excellent. I felt like I could reach out and touch the ladies; but considering who I was dealing with that would have been a good way to lose an arm or a leg or something else.

  ‘‘Greetings, Zachary,’’ Threa said.

  ‘‘Fellow comrade against crime and evil, it’s been too too long,’’ Twoa said, curling her fingers into a fist.

  ‘‘Why the boots by the pool?’’ I asked in spite of myself. I knew Twoa was loathe to remove her boots, but this seemed a bit much.

  Twoa smiled. ‘‘Because you never know when evil will raise its ugly, toothless head!’’ she said boldly.

  ‘‘I thought you were only fighting evil on weekends now?’’

  Ona leaned over looking directly into the holographic camera. ‘‘She just hasn’t taken those boots off all week. If she removed them now, she’d incapacitate all of the help.’’

  Threa leaned into the picture. ‘‘And probably wilt the nearby flora and knock low-flying birds out of the sky.’’r />
  Twoa leaned into the picture. ‘‘My sisters kid me so.’’

  ‘‘We wish,’’ Ona and Threa said at once.

  As fascinating as the conversation was, I knew I didn’t have much time to get things back on track.

  ‘‘Ah, ladies, I need a favor from you,’’ I said.

  They all looked at me.

  ‘‘Actually, it’s a favor for the entire world.’’

  ‘‘You’ve got our attention, Zach,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘It’s actually a favor for both the Earth and the Moon.’’

  Ona put a finger to her lips, curling the lips ever so slightly. It was simple gesture, but effective. If I wasn’t looking at her holographic image it might have floored me.

  ‘‘What’s this about, Zach?’’

  ‘‘The vote tomorrow on the Moon’s freedom. I think you should convince the others to set the Moon free.’’

  Ona smiled. ‘‘Zach, I didn’t know you were a Moonie.’’

  ‘‘I’m not. I just think the people of the Moon should be free.’’

  ‘‘Why?’’ Twoa asked.

  ‘‘I agree,’’ Threa said. ‘‘I believe all people should be free.’’

  ‘‘I’m on the Moon now,’’ I said.

  ‘‘Yes, we know,’’ Ona said. ‘‘We accepted the call. We found your timing to be incredible as always. What are you doing on the Moon?’’

  ‘‘I’m tracking the person who killed the council members.’’

  Twoa stood up from her lounge chair. ‘‘We already have the Moon sympathizer Shannon Cannon in prison.’’

  ‘‘Talk to Captain Rickey. There is evidence that Shannon isn’t responsible.’’

  All three of the woman shook their heads no. ‘‘We’ve seen that evidence; we’ve decided it’s not credible,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘Why isn’t it credible?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘Because we don’t like it,’’ Twoa said.

  ‘‘It would just get the public all riled up,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘True,’’ Threa agreed, ‘‘no use having the little people think needlessly.’’

  ‘‘They only need to know what we think they need to know,’’ Twoa added.

  These ladies had caught onto how to be politicians very quickly.

  ‘‘I’m worried about the safety of the Earth if you don’t at the very least put off the vote,’’ I said. ‘‘Give me a little more time.’’

  Ona gave me her famous indifferent wave. ‘‘Please, what could the little Moon do to us? Besides, Zach, we don’t give into terrorists or threats.’’

  Okay this called for a change in tactics.

  ‘‘I’ve seen some of the psis here. They really are incredibly powerful,’’ I said. ‘‘If the Earth and Moon got together more, think of the advances we could make.’’

  The three ladies laughed. Make no mistake about it, they were laughing at me.

  ‘‘Of course they are powerful,’’ Ona said. ‘‘Their second generations are modeled after us.’’

  ‘‘What?’’ I shouted.

  ‘‘Their second generations are modeled after us!’’ Threa shouted back.

  ‘‘We visited the moon eighteen years ago and sold them some of our DNA,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘Why?’’

  ‘‘We wanted to see the Moon and they made us a great offer. We couldn’t refuse it. At the time we were only mega-rich, not ultra-mega-rich.’’

  This was a strange turn of events, one I could tilt in my favor.

  ‘‘In that case, all the more reason why you should promote better communication with the Moon,’’ I said.

  ‘‘We’re all for communication with the Moon,’’ Ona said, ‘‘just under our rules.’’

  ‘‘Come on Ona, you’re supposed to be superintelligent. You know only trouble can come from that.’’

  ‘‘Zach, even if they could hurt us, we don’t negotiate because of threats.’’

  I threw my hands up in the air. This was frustrating on so many levels. I needed to make another change of direction.

  ‘‘How about doing it because it’s the right thing to do?’’ I said, probably with more venom in my voice than I should have.

  The three superladies stood there thinking. ‘‘Take the moral high ground? Interesting . . .’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘You call yourself superbeings . . .’’

  ‘‘We are superbeings,’’ Twoa said. ‘‘You’ve fought side by side with me, Zach.’’

  ‘‘Then act like superbeings,’’ I scolded.

  ‘‘You would not use that tone if you were on the same planet with us,’’ Ona said, with just a hint of a smile.

  ‘‘Maybe not,’’ I conceded. ‘‘But you know I’m right. You claim to be superior.’’

  ‘‘We don’t claim, we are superior,’’ Threa said proudly. ‘‘Some things are so obvious they don’t need to be claimed.’’

  ‘‘Then act it,’’ I said. ‘‘Give the Moon a break. Either vote for freedom or at least hold off the vote. Open up a dialog with them. Talk is good.’’

  The three of them just sat there, pondering the possibilities.

  Now I had them thinking. It was time to go for the finishing blow. I needed to appeal to their supersized egos.

  ‘‘This could be your legacy, ladies. Anybody can have superpowers. But how many people can free over a million people?’’

  ‘‘We can be like supersexy Lincolns,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘True,’’ Twoa said.

  ‘‘I think Lincoln was pretty sexy,’’ Threa said.

  ‘‘Oh, gross,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘Just loved the hat,’’ Threa said.

  ‘‘He was tall,’’ Twoa said, finger to her lips. ‘‘I do like tall men. They’re more durable. Maybe we should look into having him cloned and joining us on the World Council?’’

  I’d tipped the scales in my favor; now it was time to slide the ladies back to reality before they decided to start cloning more politicians from the past. (That sent a shiver up my spine).

  ‘‘Kennedy had a great look,’’ Twoa said, her eyes off in space. ‘‘I bet we could . . .’’

  ‘‘So you ladies will do it,’’ I said.

  Ona looked at me. ‘‘We’ll take it under consideration,’’ she said.

  ‘‘Remember, the DNA you free may be some of your own,’’ I said.

  Ona smiled. ‘‘You made your point, Zach. We’ll try.’’

  ‘‘Try hard,’’ I said.

  Ona snapped her fingers. The holographic images disappeared.

  ‘‘Wow,’’ HARV said, coming back online in my brain. ‘‘Not many people talk to Ona like that.’’

  ‘‘Yeah,’’ I agreed. ‘‘Luckily I’m on another planet.’’ Then it occurred to me, ‘‘You were listening?’’

  HARV appeared. He was looking extra smug. ‘‘Of course I was listening.’’

  Carol walked into the room. ‘‘I was listening, too.’’

  ‘‘GUS was too,’’ HARV added.

  ‘‘I thought you guys couldn’t listen in without me breaking into song,’’ I said.

  ‘‘We figured Lea put a mental block in you to make you break into song if you THOUGHT you were talking in front of others,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘So the shock didn’t break our link?’’ I asked.

  HARV just held out his arms and snickered. It’s never fun to get shocked. It’s even less pleasurable to be snickered at by your holographic supercomputer. ‘‘If you didn’t believe it, then it wouldn’t have worked.’’

  ‘‘You could have shocked me with less voltage,’’ I noted.

  ‘‘True,’’ was all HARV said as he turned away. He looked at a holographic clock on the wall. He pointed at it, just in case I hadn’t noticed. ‘‘I suggest you clean and rest up for your dinner tonight. It should prove most interesting.’’

  ‘‘That’s easy for you to say. You’re not the one always getting beat up.’’

 
; ‘‘How true,’’ HARV said.

  HARV disappeared to wherever HARV goes.

  I turned my attention toward Carol. ‘‘You were a part of this?’’

  She shrugged. She was lucky she was cute. ‘‘HARV told me the idea. I couldn’t see any other way. At least I got them to lower the voltage.’’

  ‘‘Thanks,’’ I said.

  ‘‘I’m pretty sure either Elena or Lea killed those council people,’’ Carol said bluntly.

  I nodded. ‘‘Yeah.’’

  ‘‘That’s all you’ve got? A yeah?’’

  ‘‘Yeah, they are at the top of my list, but I’m not ready to go pointing figures yet.’’

  Carol was young, smart, and beautiful but she was still impetuous. She tended to jump then think. Many years and almost as many broken bones have taught me to slow down. I may still jump then think, but now at least I hesitate before I leap. Elena and Lea were the prime suspects, but the case was far from closed, since though the two shared some power and DNA, their motives would be at the opposite ends of the scale. I needed to learn what they would each expect to gain by killing the council members. Plus there are times when the murderer is someone you never expecteduntil it’s almost too late. It can be the loving wife, the devoted school marm. Like my old mentor used to say, usually right before she passed out: ‘‘only thing you can always be certain of is everybody is guilty of something.’’

  ‘‘We both better prepare for this dinner tonight,’’ I said. ‘‘It’s going to be interesting.’’

  Carol smiled. She turned and left the room.

  I headed to the showers. I needed to think about this a bit. On the downside, my computer had taken some perverse pleasure in having me shocked. He said there was no other way. He was probably right. I just wish he tried a bit harder for another way. But I knew I could count on HARV when the chips were down.

  I had no idea what Earth’s next move was going to be. The powers that be were perfectly happy with the suspect they had locked up in prison. No need to go looking for another, especially one that came with such touchy consequences. My latest conversation hopefully changed all that, at least somewhat. Ona and her sisters were open to looking at other possibilities. My hunch was they wanted damning evidence, just in case they needed it to shove in someone’s face. Actually, knowing those ladies, they would be far more likely to ram damning evidence up somebody’s ass. The question was, whose ass were they looking to ram?