The Earl of London

by Louise Bay

Normally, if I had been expecting Logan, I would have told Lane that I’d answer the door, but not today. If I was going to be disappointed, I wanted it to happen in here, where I felt safe and protected from the world. Bad news was threatening on the horizon and the library was my shelter.

  I closed my eyes as I heard the expected knock, then the mumble of voices.

  I took a deep breath when Logan came straight in.

  “Hi,” he said. “Is now a good time?”

  I shrugged as I sat back in the green leather chair, clutching my tea. He closed the door behind him and slid his hands into his pockets as I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t want to talk about the weather or his weekend or Ryder and Scarlett. Whatever was coming, I wanted it over with.

  He pulled the chair nearest mine slightly closer and perched on the edge of the seat. Seconds ticked by, but I didn’t say anything, didn’t try to make either of us more comfortable by talking about something and nothing. I didn’t want to make this easy for him. I wouldn’t ask him what was wrong or give him any kind of in.

  “Do you have something to tell me?” he asked.

  My heart lifted in my chest and I met his eyes for the first time. Had I read him wrong? If he was here to ask me something, then perhaps he wasn’t about to deliver bad news. “No. Nothing in particular.”

  “Darcy,” he said, as if he knew I was hiding something.

  I searched his face, trying to figure out what I was missing. “What? You seem to have something to say to me.”

  “I found the test,” he said.

  I could pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about but the image of Aurora and me peering at the white stick flashed into my head. How had he seen the test? Had he been snooping? “Oh, right. I was going to tell you, I just—”

  “I’ll support you in whatever decision you make. Financially. But I can’t be a father. It’s not who I am.”

  I tried to make sense of what he was saying. “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. The test was negative.”

  He pulled back as if someone had punched him. “But I saw the test.”

  “I don’t know which test you saw, but the one I took—the two, in fact—they were both negative.”

  He blew out a breath and pushed his hands through his hair. “I see.”

  I scooted forward on my chair and placed my cup next to me on the side table. “Is that why you were so weird with me at the party? You thought I was pregnant?” This was all some terrible misunderstanding. Now that he knew, this weirdness between us could disappear and we could get back to normal.

  “You should have told me you were concerned. That you thought you might be,” he said.

  “I was just triple-checking. We’re always careful, and it’s not unusual for me to be late if I’m stressed. It was no big deal. I would have told you eventually.”

  He’d been really worried about this. For no reason. He should have just said something and I could have put his mind to rest days ago. I leaned over and placed my hand on his leg. “I’m sorry you got a scare.”

  Abruptly he stood, moving away from my hand. “Darcy, I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Do what? I’m not pregnant. Nothing’s changed.”

  He reached around his head and scratched his neck. “Everything’s changed. I’m sorry. I’m not the right man for you. You deserve someone who wants to get married and have children, and I can’t give you those things.”

  Even though I’d been prepared for something, I hadn’t been expecting this—or maybe I had, but I hadn’t thought it would feel this heavy, this hurtful.

  I took a few steadying breaths. We just had to be logical. Practical. I would talk him around. “And when did you decide this?”

  “You’ve always known that’s not me. We both got into this knowing it was temporary. I let it go on too long.”

  Each word was like a blade slicing through my skin. “And now temporary is over? Just like that?”

  “It had to end sometime.”

  “Says who?” Could it really be that easy for him? “So, you don’t feel anything?”

  “It’s not that I don’t care about you, but we want different things. It’s senseless to carry on when—”

  “When we’re so happy? Because I know you are. And I know I am. So why give that up?”

  He closed his eyes as if trying to block out the truth of my words. “We want different things. We deserve different things.”

  I’d never felt so connected to someone, so completely in tune with a man. I wanted him. I wanted everything with him. “I don’t think that’s true. How can we want different things if we’re so happy when we’re together?”

  “I can’t give you what you need.” He wasn’t answering my questions. As if he didn’t want to reveal any chink in his armor. The more I pushed, the more he retreated, and I could feel the growing distance between us as if he were in a jet, taking off, and he’d left me on the ground, watching him go. I was helpless, powerless.

  Panic ran through my veins. I wanted him to come back to me, change his mind. Remember what we were to each other just a few days ago. “I want to spend every night with you, want to tell you everything that’s going on in my head. I love you.”

  He closed his eyes. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t? Don’t be truthful? We might have started off temporary, but that’s not what it feels like to me.” We’d spent so much time together, been so happy. Had it all been a lie?

  “I let things extend…I…” I wanted him to finish his thought, tell me that he’d let things go on because he’d enjoyed our time together, loved me. But he didn’t. “And better now than…”

  “Than when?” But I knew the answer. When next time, the test wasn’t negative.

  He sighed and bowed his head. “This has clarified things for me. I’ve never wanted to be a father and that’s not going to change. You deserve someone who wants the same things you do. Someone who…”

  “Isn’t afraid to love me?” I finished for him.

  “It’s not about being afraid—I just can’t give you what you want,” he said, staring into the empty hearth where just a few weeks ago we’d toasted marshmallows and kissed so much that my face had been raw from the heat and his stubble.

  Had I always known it had been temporary? I had grown to love the man who was pulling my heart apart, and love wasn’t temporary. Not for me.

  At first, Logan was the most unsuitable man I could ever have dreamt up. He was born for the city, insisted on travelling by helicopter and wanted to destroy Woolton Village. He was far too handsome, too confident, too charming. But somewhere along the road, all the reasons I had not to fall for Logan Steele had drifted away. I couldn’t think of a man more perfect for me.

  “But surely what people want can change over time. You don’t fix in stone your ambitions and plans for your life and then never veer off course, no matter the consequences.”

  “Perhaps some people don’t. But for me, I don’t commit to anything unless I know I can see it through. That’s not a bad thing. This isn’t selfish, Darcy. I’m protecting you. It’s easier for you this way.”

  “I don’t need protecting from you. There is no certainty in the world. I of all people know that. And I’ve never asked for any guarantees from you.”

  “I can’t half-arse things. And if whatever was between us was to continue, I couldn’t predict what was down the line, that I wouldn’t let you down or disappoint you.”

  “But that’s life, Logan.”

  “It’s not a life I want to live.”

  He’d stolen any response I had and my hands began to shake. My body weakened. There was no comeback if he didn’t want me. If he didn’t want to try. Whatever we had wasn’t enough for him. Or maybe it was too much.

  “So that’s it. Game over. We shake hands and move on?” It was a stupid question—that was exactly what he was saying. It just felt so hopeless. So heartless. Such a waste.

  “I’m
sorry.”

  “Well, that’s okay then,” I snipped. I couldn’t make him love me or want a life with me. And I could tell from the way he couldn’t look at me that his mind was set and I wasn’t going to change it.

  I’d never been in love before Logan, but I’d spent the last few months wanting to share every thought, every moment with him, and now I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. I was going to have to find my strength.

  One step at a time. I just needed to get out of the library without breaking down. Without collapsing at the thought that he’d never hold me again, that I’d never watch his muscles flex as he showered, that I’d never hear him talk about the students from his old school.

  He was the first man other than my brother and grandfather that I’d ever felt was on my side and in my corner like he could become part of my family, and now he was walking away. Abandoning me. And I was left on my own. My chest felt hollow and the taste of metal lingered on my tongue. I needed to leave. It was too painful to sit here and watch him go.

  “I’ll see you around,” I said as I stood.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I ignored him. An apology was the last thing I wanted from him. And I’d lost my voice as he’d ripped my heart into pieces.

  I swept past him and through the door. All I could do now was wait for time to pass and for my feelings to fade. Because that was what people did, right? They got over heartbreak. I was sure it was possible in the abstract, but right then and there I couldn’t see how it could be true.

  I walked as fast as I could without running and straight up the stairs. I wanted to dive into my bed and not come out until this pain had relented.

  Until I’d stopped loving Logan Steele.

  Thirty-Five

  Logan

  I had to remind myself who I was. I stepped out of the car and tipped my head up to take in the tower of offices in front of me, trying to breathe in the sense of power I normally got from business. My usual view of my workplace on a Monday morning was from the top of the tower as I arrived by helicopter. It had seemed distasteful to break things off with Darcy then fly out of the village, so I’d arranged a car.

  Today was the last time Darcy would knock me off course.

  Her reaction had played through my mind on the journey in. I hadn’t been expecting her to be so calm. When I’d brought up the pregnancy tests, she’d acted like it was no big deal. She had me questioning myself. Did women worry about getting pregnant a lot? I had no experience with a pregnancy scare. I wore condoms whenever I was with a woman. And I was pretty sure that with my money, if anything had gone wrong, I’d have heard about it.

  Was it as easy as she’d said it was—she was late, she tested, it was negative? Maybe so, but it couldn’t undo the train of thought that it had unlocked.

  For months, I’d insisted on living in the moment, not thinking about the future, not remembering about how I wasn’t built to be part of a couple or to be someone’s husband. Seeing those pregnancy tests meant I was forced back into reality. Darcy and I were a couple and even the smallest habits and expectations couldn’t be ignored. The way I’d been staying over at Woolton Hall each weekend, the way I wanted to hear her thoughts about everything that happened when I wasn’t with her, the way I couldn’t wait to see her whenever we were apart.

  We weren’t friends who hung out. And that wasn’t ever part of my plan.

  “Good morning, Mr. Steele,” a receptionist greeted me as I swept past. Her smile and the way she cocked her head was a little familiar. Did I know her? As I waited for a lift, she looked back at me over her shoulder. Her black hair was swept up into a bun, her lips bright red, her tanned skin glowed—physically, she was Darcy’s complete opposite and exactly the type of woman I used to fuck.

  I hadn’t noticed her on reception before. Was the fact that I had now a sign? Proof that I’d moved on, that life would get back to normal now?

  I took the lift up to the top floor to find my assistant waiting for me as the doors opened. “Malcolm is in your office.”

  I glanced at my watch. “I’ve been tied up this morning.”

  “You want the helicopter on Thursday or shall I stand them down again?”

  I sucked in a breath. I’d only been going back to Badsley on a Thursday because of my grandmother’s fall, then because I’d wanted to spend more time with Darcy. “No, not Thursday. I’ll be in the office on Friday. And I’ll take a car back to Badsley in the evening.”

  I’d been right to call things off with Darcy, but I knew how much the helicopter irritated her, and I didn’t need to torture her by flying over Woolton Hall.

  “I hope you have good news for me,” I told Malcolm as I rounded my desk and took off my jacket, placing it on the back of my chair.

  “I do. We’re all on schedule. The plans have been approved and construction is due to start at the beginning of next week.”

  “And do you have the operational plans?”

  “I’m still working on those. I know you want to be heavily involved, so I’m trying to work the timetable around that.”

  He was right. I’d wanted to oversee every detail of Manor House Club when I’d first arrived at the concept. This would be the first business that I’d ever built from the ground up and I wanted to ensure everything was being done as I planned. But things had changed. I needed some distance from anything that reminded me of Darcy.

  “I’ve got a number of things that have come up that are going to be pulling my focus for the next few months, so I’m going to ask you to take the lead on most of the Manor House Club development, including the operational plans.”

  I needed to be in the city. It was where I belonged. Where Darcy wasn’t. I was never suited to the country. And I’d made my fortune by having good people around me that I trusted. I wasn’t a micromanager and I wouldn’t change that just because this was my first organically grown business. I needed to stick to my plan, get back to what I was good at.

  “Whatever works for you. Do you want to come down in a week or so to see progress?”

  I brought up my emails. “No, you can brief me with reports and any necessary photographs. I do want to see the operation plans, but don’t build me into them. If you need additional resources, then bring me the rationale and we’ll discuss it. Is there anything else?”

  Malcolm rose from his seat. “Not at all. I’ll get right on that.”

  I’d just moved out of his way and given him additional responsibility. I’d say I was Malcolm’s favorite person right now.

  I was used to making decisions that involved a lot of money, time, people, and resources, and I always knew I’d made the right one by how I felt a couple of hours after the hammer came down. Being back in London now, everything felt great. I was cleaning house. Getting back to normal.

  Back to life before Darcy Westbury.

  The day passed quickly in a whirr of meetings and conference calls. A couple of times I found myself checking my phone for messages from Darcy. Another habit, another routine that I’d acquired without realizing it. I’d soon get over it. Thank God I’d ended things before I’d gotten in any deeper. Although she’d told me she loved me, I knew how resilient she was. She’d soon realize this was best for both of us. We’d just have made each other unhappy if we’d dragged things out.

  I just needed to make sure I kept busy and distracted for a while so my mind didn’t wander to her. I’d double my efforts at the gym, perhaps kick off a strategy overhaul for our overseas businesses.

  I made my way out of lifts and across the lobby and glanced across at the reception desk.

  “Working late, Mr. Steele?” the same sleek-haired brunette asked as we locked eyes.

  I slowed my pace. After eight, most of the office staff had already gone home. “You too, I see.” The way she singled me out suggested I knew her, but I was sure I’d never spoken to her before.

  “I’ve got ten minutes until I finish for the day. Thought I might grab a drink if you k
now anywhere?” Her eyes danced brightly as she spoke.

  “Excuse me if I’m being rude, but do I know you?”

  “I see you come into the office each day, though not usually on a Monday. Rumor has it that you fly in by helicopter to start the week—but I guess it’s in for scheduled maintenance today.”

  I smiled, finally understanding what was going on. “Something like that.” I’d forgotten that this was how I picked up women. Meeting a backward glance, noticing a smile across a lobby. This was me getting back to normal.

  “I’m having dinner at the French brasserie on Threadneedle Street,” I said.

  “I love that place.” Her tongue dipped out of her lips.

  “Well, you’d be very welcome to join me when your day is over.”

  “Then I’ll see you then,” she said.

  I nodded and headed out.

  Yes, this felt right. This was the old Logan Steele. I was back.

  The air was warm and thick as I stepped out of the air-conditioned offices and I realized I’d not been outside all day.

  “Mr. Steele,” the restaurant owner greeted me as I arrived. “So good to see you again. Can I get you a table at the bar?”

  “That would be great.” I was just planning to enjoy her flirting, see if I wanted to fuck her, and then we’d leave. We’d eat something light at the bar—there was no point in clogging up a table. We wouldn’t be here long.

  I’d taken my second sip of whiskey when she walked in. Several heads turned as she paused at the top of the steps. She was striking rather than pretty. Tall—a good four or five inches taller than Darcy and had the tanned skin and kind of athletic shape that I’d always gone for.

  “Is this seat taken?” she asked as she came up behind me.

  “I believe I've kept it free for you,” I said. With her huge saucer-like brown eyes and perfect skin, she was even more attractive up close.

  She slid onto the stool next to mine with an easy grace.

  “What would you like to drink? And eat?”

  “A glass of white wine would be great,” she said. “But I’ll pass on the food.”