Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  He released me quickly and stepped away. Cold air replaced his heat and left chills in his wake.

  No one had ever talked to me like that. I felt disgusted. Not because of his words or the fact that I could feel his arousal through his jeans when he was pressed against me, but because it was the most riveting thing that ever happened to me. It was a rush, but I felt my high spiraling down the farther away he got from me. He was right. Maybe I wasn’t as holy as I’d tried to be my entire life.

  We barely talked the rest of the time in the kitchen. He sat in the corner and cut his nails with a pocket knife while I pulled out the cookies when they were done. Once they cooled, we wrapped them in plastic wrap with little yellow bows tied around them. When that was done, we said our goodnights and my dad signed his paper for him to leave.

  I watched him walk to his mom’s car as I followed my mom and dad to ours. Once he was inside, he looked back at me with an angry expression. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but then again, I was completely clueless when it came to guys.

  The following Saturday night, I dressed in my white blouse and another dreaded khaki skirt. Once I was done getting dressed, my mom and dad sat in the living room with me as I waited for Stephen to pick me up. I actually felt nervous, and every time my dad turned the page of his newspaper, I jumped. He looked at me over his reading glasses like I was crazy before finally setting down his paper.

  “Faith, I know I haven’t really allowed you to do much, but if I kept you away from things, it was because I worried for your safety. It’s a cruel world out there and believe it or not, there are people out there who would love nothing more than to taint such a precious girl like you. I feel good about Stephen. He’s a nice boy and he comes from a nice God-fearing family.”

  I couldn’t think of anything to say back. “I know, Daddy,” I squeaked.

  Headlights filled our front window and the butterflies in my stomach fought to escape. Within seconds, the doorbell rang and my parents met Stephen at the door and asked him to come in.

  I sat quietly in the corner chair as my father talked Stephen to death. He talked until we barely had time to make it to the movie. It almost felt like he did it on purpose, like giving Stephen and me less time together would prevent us from doing anything sinful.

  As I looked over at Stephen in the car on the way to the movie, I couldn’t see him even thinking sinful thoughts, much less doing anything unbecoming. Finn, on the other hand, was a walking sin. The way he strutted into a room like he owned it with his sly grin and amazing dimples. He knew he was nice to look at. He was prideful and confident and it was like staring at the sun. I had to admit, I liked basking in his heat.

  The movie Stephen took me to was G-rated. It was insulting. I was seventeen years old. I had no business going on a date to see a G-rated movie. It was definitely something Finn would never hear about. I could practically hear his laughter.

  I took the box of popcorn from Stephen and he ushered me into the theater. The next two hours of my life I spent staring at the screen, but not really watching. Occasionally, Stephen would ask me a question and I’d nod. I was probably the most boring date ever, but then again, he was the most boring date ever so I guess we fit.

  I found myself upset over the fact that I wasn’t enjoying any of it. One night of freedom and there I was sitting at a kids’ movie with some guy who barely talked to me, much less looked at me. There were parents and crying babies everywhere, so if I wanted to watch the movie, I wouldn’t have been able to hear it anyway. It was a total waste of a night. I could’ve gotten more enjoyment out of reading.

  I’d never been happier to see my house when we pulled up. Stephen wasted no time getting me home. He was the perfect guy for my dad. I should’ve been happy about that. The thought of actually having some form of life outside of church and school should’ve made my night, but all I could think about was Finn and how much fun we had, even at church. I could imagine how much fun he’d be on a date.

  Stephen walked me to the front door at exactly nine o’clock. The automatic porch light came on and shined directly in my eyes.

  “I had a good time,” he said.

  I was glad he did, but I couldn’t say the same.

  “Me too,” I lied again.

  Lying was becoming easier and easier. That was either a really bad thing or a really good thing.

  “Could we do it again?” he asked.

  I’d hoped he wouldn’t ask, but I couldn’t hurt his feelings. I didn’t want to be mean and say no. Plus, what would my dad say? Instead, I smiled up at him sweetly and agreed.

  “Sure.”

  His smile was brighter than my porch light as he leaned in. The thought of kissing him and getting my mouth stuck to his braces scared me. Thankfully, he softly pressed his lips to my cheek and pulled away.

  “Goodnight, Faith.”

  “Goodnight, Stephen.”

  That night I went to bed with thoughts of Finn. His unrushed movements, as if the world moved on his time. His soft blue eyes that never missed anything and his cocky smile. These were the last things I saw before sleep took me away.

  Six

  Finn

  There’s a first time for everything. And I could say without blinking that it was the first time a girl had ever been stolen from me. Although, technically, she was never mine. That still didn’t stop me from staring a hole in the back of Stephen’s auburn head during church on Sunday and wishing he’d go back to wherever he came from.

  I hadn’t had a chance to be alone with Faith to find out how the date went, but with a guy like the freckled wonder, I’m sure it didn’t go too far. Maybe a goodnight kiss?

  Every now and again, Faith would turn her head to the side and I’d catch her looking at me from the front row. I liked it when she looked at me. It let me know she was thinking about me, which worked since I was thinking about her.

  She was wearing blue. I’d only ever seen her in khaki and pink. I really liked her in blue. The way her brown waves looked against the soft color, the way the blue looked against her perfect skin—perfect skin that I would’ve gotten to know well if I’d been in Stephen’s shoes.

  With my attention back on the auburn head, I couldn’t miss the fact that he kept looking over and smiling at Faith. She’d smile back, but the smiles never reached her eyes. She wasn’t into him. She couldn’t be into him. I mean, he was a short, redheaded boy with freckles and a mouth full of metal. Then again, I’m sure that didn’t matter since her dad was letting her out of her cell as long as she was with him.

  After five secret looks between the two, I couldn’t take it anymore. It pissed me off every time it happened. I stood up and slipped out the back of the church. I leaned up against the brick and wished I had a smoke. I’d pretty much quit, but I’d give my left nut for bowl packed with some sticky green cush.

  I leaned my head back against the brick and took in some fresh air. I wanted to be away from the church, the pastor, and all the craziness. I only had a few days left of community service, so I skipped. It was the only day I left without getting my paper signed. I was exhausted and I just wanted to go home and spend some time with my mom before the band came over to practice.

  That afternoon, Uncle Lester stopped by for his money and hooked me up with his new stock. Even though I wanted to, I didn’t sample it. The whole drug scene felt different to me—it felt wrong. I was considering giving it up altogether and getting a real job—something with benefits and drug tests, something with health insurance for my mom.

  Reynolds gave me the okay on the powder and then bought half of it from me on the spot. I spent the rest of the night singing my ass off and goofing off with the boys. Amanda, Kevin’s most recent girl and also Faith’s friend, came with Kevin and watched from my couch. I thought about quizzing her on all things Faith but decided against looking like a total pussy boy.

  The following Wednesday, I got to spend time with Faith. We got stuck in the back room, putting together
posters for some car washing event the church was having. The church was big on raising money. Faith explained to me how the money was used to improve the church, but all I could think about was how sweet her mouth looked when she talked.

  I watched across the table as she drew pretty angel wings on her words and dotted her I’s with hearts. Chicks were always doing senseless shit like that, but when Faith did it, it was cute. She didn’t do things to impress others—she did them because she wanted to go the extra step, because she enjoyed doing her best.

  Every now and again, her hair would fall into her face and she’d push it back. She never wore it up. As much as I loved her hair, I’d love to push it back and look at her face clearly just once. I bet Stephen the perfect church boy got to see her face.

  “So you never told me how the date went,” I said as I picked up a black marker and started to write.

  She looked up from her poster and a soft-pink blush covered her cheeks when she smiled. It left my stomach feeling funny. I didn’t like it. Actually, I hated it.

  “It was fun. We went to a movie,” she said as she nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

  She was so cute when she did that.

  “That’s it?”

  “What do you mean that’s it? What else were we supposed to do?” she asked, confused.

  She really had no idea how the whole dating thing worked. Of course maybe I was the one that had it all wrong. Had that been me, we would’ve made out for at least an hour, followed by some hardcore sex, and then I would’ve taken her home as late as possible, if I even took her home at all.

  I bet pretty boy took her home early and I bet he didn’t even try to kiss her.

  “Did he kiss you?”

  I wasn’t sure where the question came from. I wasn’t one to blurt things out, but I’d thought about it so much since that day in the kitchen when she told me she had a date and I needed to know.

  Her eyes widened with my question and the blush on her cheeks went from pink to red. Still, she didn’t answer.

  “Well, did he? I bet he didn’t. He doesn’t look like that type.”

  Her brows pinched a little and I thought maybe I’d made her angry, but then she spoke.

  “No. He did.”

  Just like that my day when from okay to shitty. I envisioned myself ripping Stephens’s braces from his teeth and forcing them down his throat. The little rat-nosed bastard wasn’t good enough to breathe the same air as Faith, much less put his nasty fucking mouth on her.

  “Oh.” I cleared my throat.

  It was the stupidest thing to say, but I felt like I was choking and it was the only sound I could get past the imaginary blockage in my throat. Plus, it was better than what I’d been thinking. I was pretty sure if Faith knew I wanted to beat the living shit out of Stephen her opinion of me wouldn’t be good. Not that her opinion of me was any good to start off with.

  “I mean, he kind of did,” she said as she put her head down and continued to work on the poster.

  “What do you mean kind of? Either he did or he didn’t.”

  I should’ve been happy for her. She looked happy and I didn’t miss the big smile she had on her face when she’d told Sister Francis she had another date with him the following weekend. I spent five minutes after that wishing I hadn’t heard it.

  “He kissed me on the cheek.”

  I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. What a punk bitch. I’d kiss my grandma on the cheek—if I had a grandma—and yet he’d given his date a goodnight kiss on the cheek. There was no doubt about it; he was a puss.

  “What’s so funny?” she asked, offended.

  With laughter still in my voice I said, “Nothing. I can’t believe he kissed you on the cheek. He’s a wild one, Faith. You better watch out for that boy.”

  This time she laughed. Her laughter was so nice. She didn’t laugh nearly as much as she should’ve.

  “It’s not funny. He’s just shy. Besides, maybe he’ll give me real kiss on our next date.” Her face dropped when she said those words.

  I stopped laughing.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  She stood and looked down at me in panic.

  “Oh God, Finn. What if he tries to kiss me?”

  Again, my stomach felt weak with that thought. I didn’t want his lips anywhere near her. I’d thought once or twice about telling her she was too good for him, but then she’d smile and sound excited about their date, and I’d swallow those words. Faith’s smile did things like that to me. I couldn’t explain it. It didn’t make any sense and I didn’t understand it.

  “Then kiss him if that’s what you want.” I swallowed hard.

  Tiny hands were choking me. Not literally, but that’s what it felt like.

  “I’ve never kissed anyone before.” Her cheeks lit up with embarrassment.

  I knew that. It was one of the main reasons I thought about kissing her so much. The thought of sharing her first kiss with her made my heart beat funny. I wanted to share something that special with her. I wanted to brand myself in her memories that way. I wanted it more than anything I’d ever wanted before.

  “You’ll be fine. Kissing is something that comes naturally.”

  “But what if I’m bad at it? Oh my God, I can’t do this.” She ran her hands through her hair. Her anxiety showed clearly on her face.

  I couldn’t keep my gaze from falling to her pouty pink lips. She’d be an amazing kisser. The thought of pressing my lips to her soft, cushiony mouth gave me a physical reaction. Not the usual physical reaction I had with girls, but something deep inside—something that bound itself around my emotions and squeezed.

  “That’s impossible,” I rasped.

  “It’s completely possible. Amanda says she’s kissed a lot of guys who were bad kissers.”

  I cleared my throat so my voice wouldn’t squeak with tightness.

  “No. It’s possible… just not for you.”

  “How do you know?”

  No way could I answer that. What would she think if I told her that her lips were too sweet, her mouth too luscious? Kissing her could never be described as bad—never. I could say that in confidence without ever even getting close to her lips.

  “I just know.”

  She wringed her hands and put her head down. Her breathing changed, and when she looked back up, she was biting the inside of her mouth nervously.

  “Could you show me?”

  Alarms went off in my head.

  “Show you what?” I asked.

  No way was she asking me what I thought she was asking me. I didn’t know if I could handle that. Even a tiny bit of her would push me overboard.

  “Could you show me how to kiss?”

  She couldn’t even look at me when she asked. Her fingers were turning purple she was squeezing them so tightly. She was so innocent, so perfect, and yet she was asking me for something. She needed something from me. Even it was something small, it made me feel important. I hadn’t felt that way often in my life.

  I stood and moved closer to her. My knees shook slightly, prompting me to lean against the table. I’d never felt like this before, all anxiety and nerves, but Faith did this to me every time I was around her, and I wasn’t sure I could continue being selfless for long.

  “You’re joking, right?”

  I secretly hoped she wasn’t joking. Even if I had to pretend to be doing it for unselfish reasons, if I ever laid my lips to hers, it would be totally selfish and I was afraid I’d never let her go.

  “Never mind. I get it. Why would you want to even pretend to kiss me?” Her cheeks were blazing.

  “That’s not what I meant. I mean are you sure? I’d be your first kiss kind of in a way. I know that’s kind of a big deal to some chicks.”

  I needed her to understand what I was taking away from her—what I was taking away from Stephen if he’d even thought about. More than anything, I needed her permission just once more. I didn’t want her to regret me later.
That would kill me.

  “Yes.”

  Her voice sounded different. It was thick with what I could only describe as passion. I didn’t think she was capable of such an emotion, but when I took a better look at her, I could see that her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were lazy and glazed over.

  I tucked a stray piece of chocolate hair behind her ear. Her big brown eyes collided with mine, and for a brief moment, I felt a hint of panic at her being able to see right through me. She was staring at my memories and my thought process, and it scared the shit out of me.

  I licked at my lips and her eyes dipped to my mouth. She was so innocent. Had another girl looked at my mouth that way, I’d know they wanted me to kiss them. Not with Faith, though. She did it without realizing her eyes were saying, “Kiss me, Finn.”

  The soft scent of fresh powder and roses swarmed around me when I moved in closer. I wanted to kiss her. I deserved just that one innocent moment of showing her how to kiss—of being her first anything. I’d been a decent human being since the moment she bumped into my life. I’d earned a tiny kiss.

  I moved in a bit more and her gaze was broken when her eyes fluttered closed. She lifted her chin and bit softly at her bottom lip. She was ready for it and she looked so damn sweet. It was like a kick to the face. I might have deserved a brief kiss, but she didn’t do anything bad to deserve me.

  I moved back and her eyebrows pinched in confusion before she opened her eyes and looked back at me. I took a deep breath and pressed my forehead to hers. She was all around me, pulling and pushing at every emotion I held deep within, but I couldn’t do this to her. I couldn’t take away such a special moment.

  “Your first kiss should be special. I don’t want to take that away from you.”

  Before stepping away completely, I took the opportunity to feel her skin once more. I used my thumb to caress her check and it felt as soft as it looked. Being this close to her was amazing. She was amazing, and some guy was going to be one lucky son of a bitch when she fell for him. Hopefully it wouldn’t be that punk Stephen. She deserved a real man.