Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Stepping away from her was the smartest and dumbest thing I’d ever done, but she was worth it.

  And then her lips brushed mine and it was as if fireworks went off in my stomach. I opened my eyes and was met with her closed lids. Her long dark lashes fluttered and her eyes opened briefly, searing me deep before she closed them again and sighed against my mouth.

  I lost it. I pulled her closer to me and wrapped my arm around her waist. Deepening the kiss, I lost my other hand in her long, wavy hair. I didn’t want to push her so I kept my lips sealed, but even without all the hot tongue action, it was probably the best kiss I’d ever had.

  I lost track of time. I lost all rational thought, but I gained so much in that moment. I gained insight into something that was real. Not just a quickie in some chick’s bed, no sloppy wet kisses that would lead to more, just a moment that was genuine. She was branding herself on my memory, and I knew no matter where the world took me, my first kiss from an angel would never leave me.

  I wasn’t sure who started it. Probably me since she was innocent, but my tongue met hers and the taste of her invaded my mouth. She was sweet—so damn sweet. I pressed against her more and I felt her fingers dig desperately into my arms. A tiny noise slipped from her mouth and ran down my spine before dissolving into a hot sensation in my thighs and pelvis.

  Her soft breath bathed my cheek. She was kissing me just as hard as I was kissing her. Tongue and teeth collided in something more passionate than I’d ever known. And then it was over and I was left trying to catch my breath.

  She’d broken the kiss, her warm breath cooling against my moist lips. I took a deeper breath and the taste of her rolled over my tongue, making me want more. Opening my eyes, I found her standing there looking back at me in expectation. She looked almost unaffected by the kiss, but then I noticed her dilated pupils and the tiny shiver that quaked through her. She smiled innocently at me.

  “What do you think?” she asked.

  Her voice sounded forced and heavy.

  I couldn’t tell her what I really thought—I wouldn’t even if I could. Instead, I took a deep, refreshing breath, grinned down at her, and stepped away.

  “I… I think you’ll be fine.”

  Me, on the other hand, I wasn’t too sure about anymore.

  Seven

  Faith

  Wow. I’d finally had a taste of what I’d been missing and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be the same again. I couldn’t even believe I’d been so open about wanting to kiss Finn. Maybe having an excuse to do so made it easier, but once my lips were on his and he kissed me back, I was changed. When he stepped away from me and went back to work on his poster, I knew I was a different girl.

  I’d only been kissed once in my life, but I was positive no other kiss would top that one. I may never be more than a friend to Finn, and I may live a boring life until I’m married to someone equally boring, but at least I had that moment. It was almost as if Finn’s kiss had given me the courage to face the uneventful life that was laid before me.

  Things got weird then. Finn stayed quiet while I made posters for the car wash. At one point my dad came in and asked if Finn could come in on an off day and help with cleaning the rock patch out front for a new parking lot the church was getting. He agreed, which meant I’d be going to church on a Thursday after school instead of doing homework. It was strange actually being excited about going there.

  The following day I went to the church with my dad. I lied again and said there was stuff I needed to do in the kids’ room. In reality, I sat at the window and watched as Finn helped shovel the rocks into a big container the church rented.

  Every now and again, he’d use his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and I’d get a view of his stomach. He was so beautiful—sculpted by the hand of God. There could be no other reason for such perfection. He might be a full-blown sinner, but his eyes were made of heaven and when he looked at me, there was warmth that I’d never known.

  I’d been so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t even realize when Finn disappeared. I stood on tiptoes and angled my head in different directions trying to see where he went, but he was nowhere to be found.

  “Do you always stalk people from the church windows?” he whispered from behind me.

  I spun around so quickly that I lost my balance and he had to catch me. His body felt hot against mine and his drenched T-shirt stuck to the front of my simple white blouse.

  “I… I wasn’t,” I stuttered

  “Uh-huh. So you always sit at the windows for an hour, staring out?” he slid his arm down my side and I felt it in my knees.

  “I wasn’t,” I said clearly.

  “Okay, if you say so, but let me ask you something. Do you like looking at me, Faith?”

  His eyes slipped to my mouth and I sucked in an excited breath. I silently begged that he would kiss me again. I ached to feel his mouth on my mine. I liked the way he was looking at me and the way he felt so close against my body.

  I was going to go straight to hell when I took my last breath. What kind of person sat in a church room and fantasized about a man? I had to admit it to myself; I was definitely fantasizing about Finn.

  “I wa—” I started.

  He ran his thumb across my lips, stopping my words. His eyes penetrated mine as he took slow, deep breaths. He moved his other hand, adjusting it on my ribs.

  “Don’t say you weren’t. You were. I saw you. And you know what? I liked it. I liked it almost as much as I like looking at you.”

  I swallowed the moan that rose in my throat.

  “You like looking at me?” The words barely came out.

  His fingers spread into my hair, making my scalp tingle.

  “Very much. As happy as I am that I won’t have to come back to this church in a couple of weeks, I’m sad that I won’t be able to look at you anymore. You make coming here tolerable.”

  His words were too much, too sweet, and I couldn’t help but close my eyes and melt into him once his hand started massaging the back of my hairline. He was giving me something I hadn’t known I needed. I’d never needed to be close to someone else. I’d never needed pretty words. I’d accepted my future of being stuck with a man of God who was passionate as a stick. But Finn had me rethinking that future. Maybe I wasn’t as wholesome and good as Daddy said I was. Maybe I was more sinner than I realized and maybe I liked being that way.

  He pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth and I waited for him to press them against my lips again, but the kiss never came. Slowly I opened my eyes to find him staring back at me with a confused look on his face. He shook his head a bit and then stepped away. My body felt too heavy and I almost dropped from the extra weight on my knees.

  “What is it?” I rasped.

  My voice sounded different. Not young and inexperienced, but heavy with lust and greed. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it badly.

  “This is wrong,” he simply stated.

  He looked so unaffected by me that it stung a little. However, he was right. What we were doing was wrong and I was glad he had enough self-control to pull away from me since I didn’t think I could ever pull away from him.

  I put my head down so he couldn’t see my disappointment, tucked my hair behind my ear, and cleared my throat.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  I had the sudden urge to cry. I was sick of being denied the things I wanted in my life. I was sick of always wondering what something was like. I’d had a taste of Finn and all it did was make the urge worse.

  Why was this happening to me? I’d been good my entire life. I lived the way Daddy taught me was the right way. I went to church and said my prayers every chance I got. How was I able to allow such sinful impulses to take over me? The devil was working overtime on me, and I had the feeling that if I didn’t stop myself soon, I’d do something that I couldn’t undo and taint my soul.

  Just thinking of my soul, I clutched at my cross and to
ok slow, deep breaths.

  “Don’t be sorry. This was my fault. I’m the sinner, remember?” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m going back outside. I just came in for a break. I’ll see you around, okay?”

  I nodded my answer and said nothing as he stepped away and left the room.

  The following day, Friday, I went to the church again with Daddy and again, I sat at the window and watched Finn work. It was sad how mixed up in him I was. Perhaps it had something to do with that life-altering kiss—my first kiss. Maybe it was because he was so different than everything around me and a nice change of pace. Either way, I couldn’t stop myself.

  This time, I only looked when his back was to me. I didn’t want to take the chance of him catching me staring again. It was hotter than the day before, and he and the other guy who was working on clearing out the rocks were drenched in sweat.

  His shirt stuck to his body and begged to be taken off. I wanted to see what was under there. I wanted to see if there were more tattoos and piercings. I wanted it more than a cold glass of iced tea on a hot day. And then, as if hearing my thoughts, he reached down and pulled his shirt up and over his head.

  If I’d thought that his body looked shapely under his clothing, I really had no idea what I was thinking. With his shirt gone, I could see every ripple; every move his body made was emphasized in the muscles that moved beneath his skin. There was a tattoo on his right shoulder blade that I couldn’t make out, and when he turned toward where I stood, I didn’t hide this time.

  My eyes were glued to him. From his hard chest, down over his ribs and abdominal muscles, and past the light dusting of dark hair beneath his belly button. He took my breath away and I felt funny. My breasts felt heavy and sensitive. There was a deep tingling sensation that ran from my stomach into the lower parts of my body and past my thighs.

  When I looked back up, he was staring back at me with an angry expression. He picked up his shirt and pulled it roughly over his head. Spearing his shovel into the dirt so it stood on his own, he walked toward the church.

  Quickly, I moved away from the window and spun around. When I did, I ran into my dad. He towered over me with knowing eyes.

  “‘But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’ Matthew 5:28. I think these days that goes for men as well. Don’t let me catch you lusting after that boy again, Faith,” he said with tight lips. “Thankfully, he won’t be here much longer. Now come on. Stephen’s here and wants to talk to you.”

  My cheeks flamed with embarrassment. Daddy never talked about sex or lust. Hearing him say the word made me feel sick to my stomach. I nodded my understanding and followed behind him. We barely made it to the door to leave when Stephen walked in.

  His brassy auburn hair looked redder in the sunlight and the sun glinted off of his braces when he smiled at me. He really was a nice guy, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to make myself, like him.

  “Everyone okay in here?” he asked my dad with a smile.

  “Yes, sir, just coming to get our girl,” my dad said as he clapped me roughly on the back before he stepped away and left the room.

  “Sorry. I hope I wasn’t interrupting your work, but my mother said you were here today and since I didn’t get your number on our last date, I thought I’d stop by and ask you if you wanted to grab a bite to eat since it’s dinner time.”

  His smile was too friendly—his eyes not filled with any emotion whatsoever. I wondered to myself if my eyes looked the same to Finn when he first met me. Did they still look like that?

  I didn’t want to go. Honestly, I would’ve enjoyed sitting home and laying my hand on the hot stove more than I would going out with him again, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t lie and say I had plans because my dad would mess that up. I had no choice but to go and pretend to enjoy myself.

  “Sure.” My face felt stiff when I smiled.

  We turned toward the door to leave, and Finn was standing in the doorway.

  “Hey. Where you guys headed?” he asked as he dried his hands on some paper towels from the bathroom.

  “We were just going to grab some dinner,” Stephen said with a friendly smile.

  An odd expression flashed across Finn’s face before it cleared quickly and he sent me his signature grin. The expression came and went so fast that it was as if I’d seen things.

  “Well, have fun.” His smile was false. Something was definitely off. “Don’t do anything I would do.”

  His eyes locked with mine as if he were begging me for something. In my imagination, I heard him say, Please don’t go with him. Go with me. Be with me. I almost pulled him to the side and asked him if he was okay.

  “All ready?” Stephen asked as he slipped his hand in mine.

  The gesture made me blush and my cheeks felt hot. Finn looked Stephen up and down and briefly, anger flashed in his eyes. What the heck was his problem anyway?

  I smiled at Finn as Stephen led me past him out the door of the kids’ room. Finn reached out and grabbed my other hand, prompting me to turn back and look at him. There was a crushed look in his eyes before he quickly dropped it back to my side. Stephen saw nothing, but when I passed my dad’s office, he was standing at the door and his expression told me had hadn’t missed Finn’s little display.

  Eight

  Finn

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I had days left at the church and the way that Faith was eye-fucking me from the window was making me insane. She couldn’t know she was doing it, which made it ten times worse. She wanted me and she didn’t even understand she did.

  All sex stuff aside, the crazy part was I was pretty sure I was falling for her. I couldn’t even believe I was thinking that, but I was. I could tell by the way I felt when I was around her. I’d never felt that way before and I wasn’t sure I liked it too much. My mind had never been so absorbed with one girl. She was all I could think about. It was making writing songs for the band hell. Everything came out sounding like an eighties love ballad.

  So after catching her staring at my junk from the window, I wasted no time. I left my shovel there and made my way through the church with a mission. I was going to kiss her senseless and I was going to ask her on a proper date. The boys would find it hilarious and it was completely out of character for me, but fuck it.

  Not to mention, the pastor would probably have a heart attack, but if I had to, I’d talk her into sneaking out with me. I wanted to spend time with her outside of the church, time away from all interruptions so I could take my time and peel back all her layers—find out what made her tick, what she liked and hated.

  Finding out what was under those god-awful skirts was the least of my worries when it came to Faith. Don’t get me wrong, sex with her was running all through my mind, but more than anything and for the first time ever, I really just wanted to spend time with her.

  When I got to the door and saw her there with Stephen, I felt anger that I hadn’t known before. I’d been in fights for less. I contemplated going in and beating the shit out of the dude, but technically he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

  I knew inside that he was the better man, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to be mine and I was greedy and suddenly needy. Weeks of being around someone untouchable knowing they’d welcome your touch is a bitch.

  As soon as I was done at the church, and after checking on my mom, I met up with some friends and smoked until my eyes burned. When I was done smoking, I took shot for shot with my buddy, Leroy, until I couldn’t feel my face. I was on a downward spiral, but I didn’t want to feel anything.

  I woke up the next morning in my bed with my clothes still on. I had no idea how I’d gotten there or how long I’d been there, but my head felt like someone smashed it with a hammer. My eyes were sealed shut and I had to pry them apart. The sun broke in through my curtains and drilled my sensitive eyes and straight through to the back of my head. At least that’s how it
felt.

  It took me longer than usual to get out of the bed, and when I did, I took my precious time peeling off my clothes. My shirt smelled like women’s perfume and there was lipstick on my face. I threw my clothes on the floor next to my door and got a hot shower.

  When I finally appeared in the kitchen, my mom looked at me and shook her head.

  “Feeling better?” she asked with attitude.

  “I feel like shit. What time did I get home last night?”

  “You mean what time did I have to come pick you up? Hmm, I’d say it was about four this morning. The cop was super friendly about the whole thing since you started crying and acting crazy.” She turned off the stove and shoveled some eggs onto a plate before setting it in front of me. “Eat. You’ll feel better.”

  “Cops? I don’t remember any cops, and I don’t cry so that’s bullshit,” I said defensively.

  “Watch your language and don’t you get snippy with me, Jimmy.” She pointed at me with the spatula.

  I felt like shit for being mean to her.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry about last night, too. I don’t know what got into me.” I took a bite of my eggs and my stomach turned.

  “It’s okay. You’ve done worse, but don’t do that again. I was worried sick about you. Apparently, the cops were called by Leroy’s neighbor because of the noise, and you refused to leave. They were about to take you in when Leroy called and told me to come get you. By the time I got there, you were in tears—something about losing faith and God punishing you.”

  She sat down at the table beside me and reached out for my hand. I squeezed her small fingers to assure her I was okay.

  “I know you’ve been through a lot in your life, Jimmy, and if you ever need to talk, you know I’m always here for you. You can tell me anything and I’ll never judge.” Her eyes watered up and I had to look away.