Unmistakable

by Gigi Aceves

  I sit and start caressing Cody’s hand with my fingers, back and forth I go; the longer I do it, the more comfortable I feel being in the room. The beeping of the machines lull me into a somewhat peaceful trance. The rise and fall of his chest are like the hands of a clock, signifying life….his life….they signify time…his time…our time…that continues on with every breath he takes. I look at his eyes, willing for them to open so I can enjoy looking at the depths of his baby blues, but I get nothing.

  “It’s okay to cry, you know.”

  I peel my eyes away from Cody’s face and lock eyes with the same nurse from earlier. I can’t explain it, but her eyes calm me. The worry….the pain….the fear that are constant intruders in my brain seem to melt away with a simple glance from her, and I drink it up; I inhale it. It’s as if she’s my life saver, my own personal flotation device in my own personal storm.

  A twitch from Cody’s fingers causes me to look away from her, putting all my focus on him now, and not my own relief. I don’t deserve any form of relief, or maybe I do. I don’t know at this point.

  “His finger twitched. Does that mean he’s waking up?” I whisper.

  “I don’t think so. He’s pretty much drugged up, baby girl.” She stops, holding her hand over her mouth. “Um, I’m sorry I called you that…um, it’s because I don’t know your name. Please, forgive me.”

  Smiling weakly, I shake my head. “It’s okay. My name’s Roxy. How long can I stay here?”

  “Are you sure you want to stay? You should rest, Roxy.”

  Silently praying she won’t kick me out, I beg her with my eyes that are slowly watering, just thinking of being away from Cody. “Please, I want to stay here with him.”

  “You can stay. You don’t have to hold your tears on my account. Cry, whenever, you want to; it’ll make you feel better.”

  Exhaling the breath I didn’t know I’m holding, I say, “It’s all I’ve been doing lately. I just want him to open his eyes, but I’m afraid when he does….” I stop myself from continuing on, because I’m afraid to say it out loud for fear of it actually happening. He won’t want me back in his life.

  “Sometimes fear distorts what is real, and you create a monster that you shouldn’t even be afraid of. How about you just wait until he opens his eyes and go from there,” she says as understanding flows from her eyes to mine.

  “You mean, you weren’t ever afraid in your life?” I ask in disbelief.

  “I have been, actually.” She smiles the saddest one I’ve seen today. “For over twenty years I’ve lived in fear, but one of my patients told me something, many many years ago that still resonates to this very day. I was told if you’re confident in that One Being that has been standing in front of you since the day you were born, then fear doesn’t have a place in your heart. His love will heal the hurt, His strength will carry you through life, His words will reveal the lies, His promises will give you hope, and His faithfulness will be your shield. So, if and when this young man wakes up, and he tells you something that will hurt you, or test your strength, or misunderstand your words, and maybe break the promise he made to you; think about what I just said. Then maybe, you’ll have the peace of mind to wait it out with a little bit of hope…a little bit of strength, and a little bit of faith.”

  She leaves and doesn’t wait for my response; thankfully she didn’t, because my tears started again. Uncontrollable tears start flowing like mighty waves in a troubled ocean. A mixture of fear, a deep sense of hope and longing, painful reminders of mistakes, and disgusting images toss and turned in my heart and mind. The one emotion swallowing everything else is the overwhelming sense of fear that he’ll never forgive me.

  Something I pray will never, ever happen, because if he can’t forgive me…

  It means he can’t possibly love me….AGAIN.

  (Chapter 18)

  NUMBNESS….

  I embrace it, basking in the euphoria of feeling no pain is what I’m craving, right now. It’s what my body and mind are craving.

  SILENCE….

  I welcome it, practically willing myself to submerge my entire being in it. Finally, my mind and heart aren’t in a constant debate of what I need to do. I’m free…free from it all.

  VOICES….

  Particularly hers. I don’t want to hear it, but I’m helpless. So, I lie here and listen. I listen to her explanations I can’t acknowledge. Excuses I can’t understand. Apologies I can’t accept.

  I start feeling her….

  I hate myself for feeling…

  For wanting….

  For needing…

  ONLY.HER.

  Physically, I can deal with the pain. Mentally and emotionally is what’s killing me, right now. Her voice…kills me…

  Her touch…slays me.

  Her nearness….chokes me.

  What once was pure heaven, now is just pure hell.

  It’s hot…

  It burns…

  It stings…

  “Love, wake up; I need you. I’m sorry for doing what I did. You have to fight for us…for me, because you’re all I’ve got. I can’t survive without you.” She kisses my left hand, then squeezes it gently and says, “God, don’t take him away from me, take anything, but him. You want me to wait…I’ll wait. It doesn’t matter how long, just give him back to me, because there’s so many things I need to make up for. You’re the only one who can take this away….make it go away, please. I told you, I can’t survive losing him…I can’t. If you’re taking him….just take me, too. Wake up, Cody, please.”

  While she cries and begs God, I stay still. I listen without understanding…without accepting…without forgiving, simply because I don’t want to. I’ve given more than I should, and all I want is for her to go away…to leave me the hell alone. Then, I hear voices, two I recognize, another I don’t.

  “Roxy, you can’t go on without eating, sweetheart. You’ve been here for the past two days, and not once, have I seen you eat. You’re still bandaged up, but instead of resting, you’re here. Come on, let’s go have lunch, and afterward we’ll visit with Trish,” says a motherly voice I’d recognize anywhere -- Tami’s.

  “He’ll wake up when it’s time. I promise, I’ll call you as soon as he does,” says a female voice.

  Someone sighing loudly makes me think whoever it is, is at his wits end. “Roxy, he wouldn’t want to see you like this. You need to eat! For God’s sake, you need to sleep. You need to talk with someone to help you deal with what happened to you! If you’re not going to walk on your own, I’ll carry you out of here. Don’t force me to do it, Rox.”

  The same female voice says, “Sweetheart, you need to take care of yourself, so you can take care of him. Remember, what I’ve been telling you.”

  Does it hurt me knowing she hasn’t eaten or slept? It doesn’t matter anymore; it’s like stabbing a person who’s already dead. I feel her release my hand as I hear the screeching of the chair. I don’t know if I’m happy she’s leaving, but I’m not sad she is either.

  I’m just numb…

  Then, silence and nothing, but blackness surrounds me. I welcome it with open arms, not wanting to ever wake up to face this nightmare. What seems like eons of silence and blackness comes to a halt, and then I hear….

  BEEPING…

  That’s what wakes me. It’s the noise that brings me back to reality, instead of the limbo state I now call my heaven. A far cry from what my heaven used to be. My old heaven is nothing, but a distant memory….a painful memory of her…of us. I hate that noise…I despise it.

  CARRESSING….

  I don’t want to feel it. I refuse to recognize it. I don’t want her to do it to me. Roxy forgiving her father, after knowing he’s somehow connected to the person who murdered my parents, makes my blood boil. How can she forgive him? If she truly loves me, she shouldn’t have done that. When I was given the chance to throw shit at her father’s face, I did…I defended her. What does she do? She forgives him and betrays me.
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br />   VOICES….

  I hate hearing them, especially her voice. I don’t want to hear her apologies. She can beg God all she wants, He might answer her prayers, but she won’t get my forgiveness. That’s something I can’t give her…I won’t give her.

  “I know, you don’t want me near you, and even if you can’t hear me, I want to tell you how much I need you, baby, more than you’ll ever know.” She continues, but not before gripping my hand a little harder as she caresses my skin with her lips. “Thank you for loving me, thank you for protecting me, but more than anything, thank you for sacrificing for me…for always putting me first. I wanted to protect you too…to love you as you love me…to sacrifice myself for you, that’s all I was doing, love. You have to believe me. God, make him believe me, please. I’ll give up anything...anything.”

  Then, her voice fades, her presence gradually disappears, and her touch…her touch I, finally, can’t feel it. My heaven comes, because nothing but silence and darkness surrounds me and I succumb to it, again.

  SILENCE…

  NOISES….

  VOICES….

  Once again, I resurface hearing voices, a couple of loud sighs, and whimpers. I feel my eyes flutter open, and then close abruptly, followed by loud gasps all around that echo in the room while something beeps non-stop next to me.

  My eyes sluggishly open, and I blink my eyes a couple more times, because everything appears hazy, almost as if a blurry film or a curtain is on my eyes. I let my eyes wonder around, but all I can make out are figures and black spots floating around. I close my eyes again, hoping that when I open them, I’d be able to see clearly.

  “Thank God, you’re awake, man. It’s been a long four days,” Brian says.

  I only know, because I know his voice. Once again, I open my eyes, but it’s the same thing. I see figures…blurry fucking figures. Panic sets in as I take in a couple of deep breaths, letting them out as slowly as I can.

  “B, I can’t see shit,” I say hoarsely.

  “Honey, can you call the nurse, please.”

  “Okay, I’m gonna wake up Roxy. She’d want to be here for this.”

  It feels as if a herd of people walk into my room. It feels as though someone’s on my right, messing with something that beeps. Another one drags something, maybe a chair, because it makes that screeching noise. I hear a couple of murmurs all around me. I feel overwhelmed and confused, not being able to see squat.

  “Welcome back, Cody.”

  I turn toward the direction of Gunny’s voice. I’m praying everyone is here, except for the one person I refuse to see. Well, I can’t fucking see, so maybe, this is God’s way of alleviating some of the tension that’s rising from within.

  “Nice to see your ugly face, buddy.” A smile escapes my lips, after hearing Jake’s voice. He sounds happy, content, and calm, which calms me too, knowing that Trish is okay since my best friend isn’t sounding frantic.

  “I’ve been praying day and night, Cody. Thank God, for answered prayers,” Aunt Patti says, then she kisses me on the cheek.

  “The doctors will be in shortly,” a familiar voice says, and I’m guessing, she’s my nurse.

  I hear a few murmurs again, then suddenly, I feel a cold hand enclose mine. My eyes close on their own as I mentally erect the walls around my heart. She starts crying as she peppers my hand with kisses, while I try to quell the anger that’s simmering on the surface.

  “Good afternoon, Cody. I’m Dr. Miles, your attending physician. I’m glad you’re awake. Tell me what you’re feeling.”

  Clearing my throat, I answer, “I-I can’t see clearly, and my throat is sore. Other than that, I don’t feel any pain.”

  “Thanks to good ole Mr. Morphine, pain isn’t an issue,” Jake jokingly says.

  Chuckles all around explode, while her hold on my hand stays solid as she repeatedly thanks God.

  “Alright, Cody; I’m Dr. Anderson, your Neurologist. I’m going to do a basic neuro check, okay?”

  He starts asking me questions, such as what’s my name. If I know where I am. Who’s the President? What do I remember about how I sustained my injuries? With all the questions he’s asking, annoyance starts to set in, and I start answering in a short clipped tone.

  “Typically, with someone who has suffered from a head injury, a consult with an Ophthalmologist is necessary, especially in your case, because both eyes were basically swollen shut when you were brought into the ER. It seems your eyes sustained the worst damage; hence, the manifestation of poor vision. Anyway, your cognitive functions are okay, so I think you’re on the right track here.”

  My other doctor speaks, “I have to wait and see what the Ophthalmologist says before any surgery on your leg can be scheduled by your Orthopedic surgeon. Obviously, our priority, right now, since everything’s okay up here,” he says pointing to, I’m assuming, his head. “…would be your eye sight. Do you have any questions for us?”

  I shake my head in the negative since he isn’t the specialist, all he can do is speculate. I hear them say their goodbyes to everyone. I sit stewing on how I can tell her to leave me alone without upsetting everyone in this room. However, it’s something I need to do for my own sanity.

  Suddenly, I feel her lips against mine. I quickly turn my face, causing me to flinch, because my head hurts like a mother. I don’t regret doing it, even if I now have a massive headache; it’s something I don’t want anymore…it’s something I don’t need anymore.

  Surprise masking her voice, she asks, “Love? It’s me, Roxy.”

  How much more blatant do I have to be. Of course, she doesn’t get the message, and puts her cheek against mine as she whispers in my ear.

  “Please, love, don’t hate me. I-I’m sor-sorry. You have to believe me. Pl-please, I need you.”

  “Brian, I don’t want her here, please.”

  As soon as those words register in her brain, her hand clamps on my other cheek as she holds onto my wrist as tight as she can without hurting me.

  “No….no….no…you love me. Don’t say that, please. I don’t wanna go….ask me to stay, please.”

  She’s shaking and crying uncontrollably, as I fight to control my emotions. She did this to us. She should hate herself just as how I hate her. I should feel confused, but I don’t. I’m bombarded by feelings I haven’t dealt with for four days. Her warmth leaves my body as someone pulls her off me, but hearing her sobs and whimpers causes my blood to boil in irritation. Why can’t she just leave?

  My brother holds me so tightly, as if shielding me from the hurtful words Cody might fling my way. I can sense him trying his hardest to control his frustration as he continues to comfort me.

  “Damien, you said, he wouldn’t leave me. You said, everything would be okay. Talk to him, please. Tell him, I love him. Help me, please.” I look up to him, hoping he could help.

  My heart is being ripped in half, and I cling to my brother like a limp ragdoll. I continue to beg him to help me. I knew he was mad at me, but I didn’t think he’d ask me to leave. He needs me….I need him. I need him more than I’ve needed anyone.

  “Cody, what are you doing?” Brian asks, disbelief coating his voice.

  “I don’t want her here. Is that not clear enough? Because of her, I’m here! Because of her, my parents are dead! The fucked up blood that runs in her veins killed my parents! I’m alone, because of her.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I hear the anger in Jake’s voice loud and clear, as I feel Damien’s body shake in anger.

  “She betrayed me. Time and time again she chose someone else over me. She betrayed everyone in this room. The fucker that pulled the trigger, killing my parents, worked for her father. After knowing that, she forgives the son-of-a-bitch. I did my job. I got her out in one fucking piece. Now, do me a solid, and get her out!”

  Strength coming from somewhere pumps through me, and I find myself free from my brother’s hold and moving toward Cody. I gently hold his face with my hands, slowl
y turning him to face me. I need to see his eyes to confirm what my mind is understanding from everything I’m witnessing. As soon as his eyes meet mine, I let out a gasp. He may not see clearly…but clearly, his feelings aren’t blind, because his eyes say it all.

  There’s nothing in his eyes…nothing.

  “Love….”

  He barks off, “Don’t.Call.Me.That.”

  “I love you, Cody. Believe what I’m saying,” I’m begging….pleading.

  I utter these words as if they’re the last words I’ll ever say. My tears are relentless, my heart’s pounding is unforgiving. I feel every hurtful word that leaves his lips, while his eyes shock me to my core, seeing the anger in them kills, whatever, hope my heart had been saving for this moment.

  “I.Don’t.Love.You. Leave me the hell alone,” he sneers at me.

  The final blow is given. It comes down….

  Hard….

  Swiftly….

  Without mercy….

  “Enough!” Uncle Jack angrily says.

  His words shouldn’t have shocked me, but they do. I can handle almost any hurtful words from him, but hearing he doesn’t love me brings me to my knees. I fall down…

  Hard….

  Swiftly….

  Without mercy….

  I can’t breathe, my chest feels so heavy, I’m sure I’m dying. This is the end of my life…the end of a meaningful life I once wished I could share with him. I can’t breathe, because his words squeezed the life out of my heart. My brother picks me up and walks out of the room. In his arms, I rest, but on that hospital floor, my heart lies lifeless. His sparkling blue eyes that once melted my heart, now only hold nothing but anger…coldness….ice cold shards of blue.

  “He loves me, Damien. He loves me….he loves me,” repeatedly I say this.

  “Calm down, sweetheart. Mom, I think, she’s in shock. Is there a place I can take her?”

  Mom?

  Hearing that word… ‘mom’ stops my recitation of Cody loving me. At this moment, I just want her…I just want my mom to hold me. To replace the love that just left me, but she’s not here. An overwhelming sense of sadness consumes me as the memory of my mother brings me back to the reality that, once again, I’ve lost someone’s love.