Unmistakable

by Gigi Aceves

  “Follow me, Damien.”

  The next thing I know, my brother lays me down on a sofa. My eyes roam his face, searching for comfort, and all I see is absolute sadness. I feel he wants to take my pain away, but maybe…I deserve it. After all, Cody all, but yelled how I betrayed everyone.

  Running his hand over my hair he says, “Breathe for me, Rox.”

  Why can’t I just die? Crying is the only response I know to give. Cody’s words confirmed my fears…

  He can’t forgive me for what I’ve done…

  He can’t forget what was done to me, what I allowed him to witness….

  If only I had listened, maybe I should’ve died along with my Dad…

  Shaking his head he continues, “Roxy, I don’t want you getting sick because of this. You need to talk to someone, please. You still have me. I’m still here…I still love you. Mom…” he bites his lower lip as he stops himself. “Just…Just let him go for now, and just focus on you.” He stops again, only to wipe his own tears. “Is there anything you want? Are you comfortable here? Do you want me to take you home?”

  I lay there without speaking as I stare at the ceiling, instead of looking into my brother’s eyes, because they just remind me of my betrayal. As my never ending tears continue to trek down my face, my brother continues to talk to Cody’s nurse.

  “Mom, she’s not answering. Can we give her something, so she’ll calm down and sleep? I don’t know how to help her. We’re slowly losing her, Mom.”

  Damien walks over to her, and immediately, he falls into her arms. Their hold on each other is so moving, I can’t tear my eyes from them. I’ve never seen my brother release control to anyone, but to her, he gives it up freely. This woman is giving my brother comfort and strength as he takes it all in…soaking in her embrace. Then, it hits me…

  He called her mom many times….

  Her green eyes are familiar….

  My brother melts in her arms….

  That word I once thought I’d never, ever say…that one simple word that others take for granted…now…now leaves my mouth….

  “Mom?”

  (Chapter 19)

  “I don’t know what the hell just happened, here. I know, you’ve been under a great deal of stress and pain, but you shouldn’t have said those words. Do you even mean them, Cody?” Brian asks, and how I wish they’d just leave me the hell alone.

  “Now, you’re out of words? You haven’t learned from me? Remember, how I pushed Trish away? Do you know where I found myself? Do you want me to remind you? I found myself in hell. I created my own personal hell where I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t think…I couldn’t do anything, but suffer, alone. Do you know what’s even worse than that? It’s knowing that the woman I loved was hurting because of me. I hurt her with my own mouth, spewing words I knew couldn’t easily be forgotten. Is that something you want? You need her, Cody, because she’s your life, whether, you want to admit it or not. This shit isn’t her doing.” Blowing a frustrated sigh, Jake says, “Dad, get his head straight. I’m outta here. Trish needs me.”

  Hearing the sound of disappoint in Jake’s voice almost buckled my determined heart. How can he possibly understand when the woman he loves never once betrayed him? So, I lie here and wait on Jack, determined to ride the waves of anger and hurt, caused by his brother, doubly determined to glue together my heart, annihilated by his niece. Any attempt to explain myself is futile at this point. Regardless of what they feel…of what they may think of me, I can’t possibly love someone who can’t trust me.

  “Brian, can you check on Roxy, please. Give me a moment with him.”

  After a few seconds of silence, Gunny opens his mouth with words aimed to teach, and correct with the hope that clarity of mind will come soon after.

  “You mind telling me what’s up?”

  “I already did. I never kept it a secret how her betrayal affected me. She forgave him, knowing what he did to my parents. Granted, he didn’t pull the fucking trigger, but he might as well have. How can I look at her, and not remember what that….” I stop to compose myself. Talking about my parents is hard for me most days, but after finding out the truth, talking about it is mentally and physically agonizing. “…son-of-a-bitch did to my parents. How can she possibly forgive someone who ruined so many lives, including hers? I can’t…I can’t be with her, not here…” pointing at my chest. “Or anywhere, remotely, where I can see her. Don’t make me.”

  “I see. How can you stand being around me? Being around Jake and LT? My brother’s blood runs through us, too. Aren’t we a reminder of him as well, not just the woman you so loudly declared as your own? The woman you were…you are ready to die for. How can you distinguish? Is it because we have balls you can’t crush, and she has a heart you can destroy?”

  I turn toward his voice even though I can’t see him. I want him to know, I mean every word. “I can distinguish, because every single one of you didn’t betray me as she did. If given the chance, you would have served your brother his balls for lunch. Jake and LT would’ve done the same thing. As a group, collectively, we tried to solve the problem, but what does she do? She kept the truth from us…she deceived you….me, and everyone else. For what? To protect me, Trish, you? That’s not her call to make.”

  “So, you kill her with your words. We’re called to protect them…not hurt them, Cody. Words are easily said, they come out quickly, but once they leave your mouth and hit the person you intend to hurt, you can never get them back. Words that are hurtful, cut deep…deeper than you can imagine. They’re precise in their infliction, they leave a scar so distinct, they can’t be forgotten. Are those the kind of things you want her to remember? Because let me tell you, she’ll remember them and never forget them. Can you live with that?”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh, “Can she live with the fact that she forgave the bastard, and not once asked why? Can she forgive herself for putting me here because of her own stupid judgment and inability to trust anyone?”

  “Funny thing, forgiveness is a free gift, Cody. You can’t decide who gives it, and neither can you control the reason why it’s given. She has her reasons for forgiving her father. Maybe, you should ask her, so you can understand, instead of allowing it to drive a wedge between you two. She didn’t put you here, Cody. You would be here anyway, because you wanted to protect her. Does it really matter how you ended up here when your decision was made from the get go? Your life for hers, remember? It’s a choice you made freely, because of love; a choice you weren’t afraid to make, because of her; and it’s a choice you’ll continue to make, because of each other. It’s your love for her that moved you to make these choices, so the consequences of those choices aren’t hers to carry, they’re yours to accept, son, because you made them.”

  “You weren’t there when they were brutalizing her! You weren’t there to see the fear in her eyes while I sat there, unable to do anything. Do you know every time I close my eyes, I see her being touched by hands that weren’t mine. I see lips against her skin that weren’t mine. I see blood and bruises on her face, on her body… the body I vowed to protect and couldn’t. Do you know how painful that is? If only she had listened and told us everything, I wouldn’t have had witness it. Yes, I’ve made those choices, choices I don’t regret, but because of her, those choices meant nothing. She still got hurt and almost died while I fucking sat there, helpless. Twice, Jack, twice that man took something from me, and hurt someone I love. Now, tell me how can she forgive him, and not know how that action would kill me.”

  “Excuse me, sir; he needs to rest now,” a female voice says.

  “I’ll be out in a minute, Ma’am,” a calm and friendly voice comes from Jack, no one would know he’s seething in anger.

  “I’ll leave you for now, Cody, but while you lie here and wait, think about this. Everyone has the right to choose, it’s called ‘free will’. The choices you made to protect her, scared her as well as her choices scared you. Both of you working under
the same objective of protecting each other, choices both of you made, willingly, without thought, because of the love you both share. Now, why is it you can make your choices, but she can’t make hers? Both of your choices landed both of you in that room to witness the consequences of each other’s choice, painful as they may be. Learn to accept her choice, as she learns to accept yours, and let the consequences of them be a reason to understand each other, not a reason for division. Think about that.”

  He leaves me to stew on his words. Words I know can bring understanding, but they can only do that when my mind isn’t clouded by anger, and my heart isn’t crusted with pain. For now, both my mind and heart can’t truly understand his words or better yet, both my mind and heart can’t accept the truth behind his words.

  My heart is too full of anger to give absolution…

  My body is submerged too deep in a sea of pain to give protection…

  My mind is too inundated with the whys to give consideration…

  ABSOLUTION….

  PROTECTION….

  CONSIDERATION…

  These three things I once gave freely to my love without question. Now, I can’t even fathom giving them, not that I can’t…but that she doesn’t….

  DESERVE them.

  “Mom?”

  As I watch her gently release my brother from her loving embrace, my face is suddenly, unbelievably dry, but my entire body aches to be loved…to be embraced by such loving arms. Arms I’ve missed for so long…arms I shouldn’t be willing to accept because she left me, but those arms are my heart’s desire at the moment. It’s what my battered….little heart desires.

  “I love you.”

  These three words leave her mouth. Three words cause an avalanche of tears to pour powerfully down my face….four words start my heart back up, so I can once again feel…once again enjoy the bliss of being loved by someone I love.

  “I’m here, baby girl. Mom is here.”

  The three words were followed by others that allow the purging of pain, and the healing of my heart…our hearts. I melt in her arms, just as my brother did, because the love they offer is welcoming, as much as it’s liberating. Though the pain is still there, and truthfully, I’m afraid it’ll never go away, my mom’s embrace eases the pain just a little. Her strong arms around me is like a salve coating my bleeding heart. She continuously runs her hand on my hair, calming my nerves, and stilling my heart.

  “I love you, Mom. I’ve missed you so much….so much, mommy.”

  Over and over I say this, just as when I was chanting that Cody loves me. I guess, saying it out loud makes it real. As my mouth speaks them, my ears hear words my mind can slowly process, and my heart quickly accepts. So many years of yearning…of needing…of wishing for my mother to share happy moments with, to share tears during sad times, to hold me during nights when I’m hurting, and days when I’m sick…her presence now makes up for those times. At this very moment, I’m all of those things. I’m happy she’s finally holding me, sad I can’t share this moment with Cody, hurt I’m away from my love, and sick of all the pain I experienced as a child.

  “I’ve missed you, so much too, baby; every day since the day you were born.”

  Leaning back, my mom cradles my face with her hands and wipes my tears with her thumb. “Thank you for this, for giving me a chance. I hate seeing you like this, hurting and in despair, but sometimes we have to go through fire to test how strong our faith is, Roxy. For more than twenty years, I’ve been living in anguish, knowing you must hate me for giving into their demands so easily. I’m sorry for being weak, for not fighting harder. Even as I tried to fight them, I knew they were stronger and more influential than I was. Your uncle found us, agreed to keep your father’s no contact agreement, but I told him to watch over you.” A smile appears on her face. “He promised he would, and for that, I’m truly grateful. Time didn’t make me forget. In fact, I cried more than I laughed during those times, but I didn’t lose hope; hope that one day we’d see each other again, and you’d forgive me for failing you. More importantly, Roxy, my faith saved me. You need to hold onto your faith, He will help you through this. Through faith, you’ll have hope.”

  “I understand why things happened the way it did, Mom. I truly do. Damien helped me to understand you. Every time he hugged me from the day I found out he was my brother, I imagined his arms being yours. He’s an extension of you…of your love. I’m just happy you’re here, now.” I find I’m stopping myself when I start feeling my heart being happy. I feel I can’t be because of my mistakes. She notices my apprehension and coaxes me with her eyes to continue. “It’s hard to hope that he’ll love me, again. I’m dirty in his eyes. Am I dirty, Mom? I’m this person who deceives others.” I cast my eyes down, unsure of myself.

  “Look at me, Roxy. Don’t doubt the people who love you. Not your brother, me, or even Cody. Love, coming from the heart when spoken means forever. Anything you want to keep forever, you need to fight for. When you meet your partner, the one God intends for you to have, it doesn’t matter really how hard, how long, and how painful the wait is. What’s important is not to give up on him or on each other. The hardest fought battles are the sweetest when won, Roxy.”

  “He doesn’t love me, Mom. He won’t ever forgive me.”

  Pain, once again, permeates every inch of my body. I don’t know if there’s any hope left in my heart. His words killed it and weakened my resolve. The embers of light that once flickered with hope is nothing, but a stream of smoke in the wind.

  “It’s out of anger he spoke those words.” Sighing she continues, “The mouth can be both the harshest and sweetest part of the human body. We use it to say loving things to one another, but at a drop of a hat, hurtful things come out of it, too. Cody may think he doesn’t love you now, but only, He knows what’s in his heart. Cody can and may lie to you, but he can’t lie to Him. For He sees everything, knows everything and will reveal everything in the proper time. Wait…wait on Him to finish His work in Cody, and in you. Then, you’ll see how beautiful He will make your world, just as what He did for me, now. You have to allow Him to move in your life.”

  With tears flowing down my mom’s face, I somehow know she’s going to be talking about death. I hope God gives me time to get to know her more….to love her longer, and to experience life with a mother by my side.

  “For the longest time I prayed that He wouldn’t take me until I saw you again…feel you again, and say ‘I love you’ to you again. Now that He has given me this, I can say if I die tomorrow and He takes me home, I’m complete because of His gift. Yes, a lot of time has passed, lonely years we can’t get back, but you have to know it was all worth it in the end, for nothing comes easy in life. As hard as it may sound, waiting is all you have. I’ll wait with you as you wait on him.”

  I take everything she says like a sponge. Soaking it all in, hoping that in the end it’ll all be beautiful as she said. Glancing over to where my brother stands, I can’t help but admire his strength, and who he learned it from. He’s wearing a huge smile on his face, contentment, love, and relief shining in his eyes as he watches mom and me make up for lost time.

  He mouths, “I love you.”

  I smile for the first time, and for the first time, the part of my heart that missed my mom; that longed for her….that part is clean, it’s full of light; and it’s surrounded by her love.

  My heart may be partly happy,

  Since it’s mostly hurting,

  But love can heal most any wound,

  And time….time turns the wound into scars,

  And the scars….the scars fade away.

  But before that happens…

  I’ll sit here and….

  Patiently….WAIT.

  (Chapter 20)

  It has been more than a week since the incident. A week and one day after finding out I have retinal detachment. My eye surgery was scheduled three days later for fear I might totally lose my vision. Since the tear on both eyes are a
t a twelve o’clock angle, sitting down is the best position to make the gas bubble that has been inserted into my eye to land exactly on the tear. I’ll be stuck in this sitting position, even when sleeping, for the next fourteen days. To say I hate it, is an understatement.

  I haven’t heard from her since I kicked her out that night, no one has dared mention her name around me. I don’t know how to feel about that. I know this is what I want, I asked for it after all, but a little part of my heart misses her. As soon as that little rebel part of my heart starts missing her, the smart part of my heart crushes that thought, swiftly.

  “How are you this morning, Cody?” My favorite nurse, Anna, says as she greets me.

  “Still blind as a bat. So, you’ll be coming in my room every ten seconds. I’m playing Jeopardy with my clicker.”

  She giggles as she pinches my cheek. “You’re too cute for your own good. You haven’t touched your breakfast.”

  “I’m waiting for you to feed me. Can you tell me what I’m having?”

  I suddenly sense someone coming in. With my eyes bandaged from the surgery, I’ve been more aware of everything around me. Call it paranoia or whatever, but my senses are heightened.

  “Did someone just walk in, Anna?”

  “No one, Cody. Open your mouth, baby boy,” she teases.

  “What did you do on your day off?”

  “Oh, I spent the day with my kids.”

  I’m chewing my oatmeal, mulling over what she just said. She’s never mentioned having kids. I’m sure she’s a wonderful mother, simply by the way she takes care of me is proof enough.

  “You’ve never mentioned your kids before.”

  “I have a son and a beautiful daughter,” Anna voice is full of pride which makes me smile. “Umm, how about you? Do you have brothers? Sisters?”

  Sadness crushes my heart. While I contemplate answering her with silence, I don’t, because she deserves a response, considering everything she’s done for me.