Raising Landry

by Andee Michelle

  What am I going to tell Landry and Pops? What is going to happen now? Its then I remember that I never gave Kyler the letter Lulu wrote him. It’s still in my purse. Knowing Lu the way I do, the letter probably explains things better than I could. I get out of the stairwell at the next entrance, wait for the elevator and go back up to Kyler’s floor. I step out and immediately see Kyler and Mr. Lackey talking quietly in the reception area.

  I walk to them with purpose, they only noticed my presence moments before I reach them. Kyler starts to speak but I shake my head at him.

  “I didn’t come back to talk, Mr. Richards.” I pause, reach into my purse, pull out the envelope and hand it to him. “I forgot to give this to you with everything else going on. Luanne left this letter for you. She asked that I give it to you once you were made aware of Landry.” I turn to go and feel a hand grip my wrist softly.

  “Did you read this?” he asks quietly, looking down at the letter in his hand. I pull my arm gently from his grip and he lets go.

  “No, Mr. Richards, I did not read it. The letter Lu left for me asked me to find you, tell you about Landry and give you that letter. Now that I’ve done that, please direct any other questions about the matter to my lawyer,” I reply calmly, turning and walking to the elevators. I don’t turn around until I’m in the elevator, pushing the ground floor button. There is such sadness in Kyler’s eyes. I know he is confused, and probably pissed and hurt that Lulu didn’t tell him. I get that. I’m just so torn on how to feel about him bringing a lawyer into this without telling me. Landry’s well-being is my first priority, and for him to just try to take her away from the only family she’s ever had is selfish on his part.

  When I get to the bottom floor, I go into the ladies room to make sure my face is not covered in mascara. A little cold water splash and I’m good to go. I smooth out my blouse and take one last look in the mirror before I go. I need to see Landry.

  I get out of the cab and make my way up the front steps to Pops’ house. I stop on the porch, close my eyes and take a deep breath. Here goes nothing. I raise my hand to knock and the door flies open, bringing a screeching Landry into my arms.

  I sit down on the porch, pulling her into my lap and hugging her for all I’m worth. I am trying so hard not to cry in front of her, but the last couple of weeks seem to be hitting me again and I sob into her hair. She pulls back and caresses my face with both her tiny hands. She looks at me for a second with a stern face before signing, “No cry. What’s wrong?”

  I giggle silently and sign back, “I’ve just missed you so much, Landry. I’m crying because I’m so happy to see you.”

  She giggles and wraps her arms around my neck, making me wince with pain when I attempt to lift my arm to wrap them around her. “Let’s go find Pops,” I sign to her and stand, grabbing her hand so she’ll come with me.

  I hear Pops in the kitchen and head that way. He’s poking around, making lunch fit for a 5-year-old princess. He looks up as I walk in and gives me a warm smile.

  “Hi, sweetie. How’d your lunch with Kyler go?” he says with his nose scrunched up like he smelled something bad.

  “Well, it didn’t.” I take in a deep breath and continue. “When I got there, his lawyer was there for our ‘meeting’.” I air-quote. “I got the lawyer’s card, told him I’d have my lawyer get in touch with him and left,” I finish quickly.

  Pops’ face is blank, like he’s not sure what to say next.

  “So apparently, I need to find a lawyer. I’ll work on that tomorrow. Today, I want to take Landry to the park. I’m sure you could use a break, Pops, and I miss my girl. Is that okay with you?” I ask with a smile.

  He nods and turns to finish up Landry’s lunch.

  As I sit on the bench at the park, watching Landry run around with the biggest smile on her face, I realize that I handled the meeting at Kyler’s office bad. I really should have let him explain why the lawyer was there, but I just felt like he was trying to pull something over on me. I don’t trust lawyers; they make me nervous, and for a very good reason.

  As Landry runs toward the slide, I take a deep breath and think of how to handle the next step. I reach down into my purse to find my phone and see that I’ve missed a couple of texts. I pull up my messages and see they are from Kyler.

  KR: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you my lawyer was going to be there. I was afraid you wouldn’t come.

  A few minutes later.

  KR: I should’ve told you.

  Ten minutes later.

  KR: Come on, Carson. I just wanted him there so he could help me decide what the best course of action is for all of this. He’s not just my lawyer; he is a friend.

  A few minutes later.

  KR: All right. I’ll wait for your lawyer to call Tom. I’m sorry.

  I put the phone back in my purse and fight with myself on whether I should text back. In the grand scheme of things, he doesn’t know me. I mean, as much pain as I’m feeling from everything that’s happened, I guess it’s pretty selfish of me not to think about his perspective. I mean, he just found out that a drunken one-night stand resulted in a beautiful daughter he knew nothing about. He’s got to be scared and confused on what to do next.

  Before I can change my mind, I text him back.

  Me: Kyler, I would like to discuss the next step without all the legal shit. If you’re okay with that, I would like for you to come over for dinner tonight.

  I hit ‘send’ before I change my mind. I watch Landry play in the sand box and try to sign to one of the other children, who just looks at her funny and gets up and walks away. The sadness in her eyes breaks my heart. I rise from the bench and head her way. She sees me coming and tries to swallow down the tears I know she’s fighting.

  “He doesn’t understand you can’t hear him or that you talk with your hands, sweetie. Don’t be sad,” I sign. She nods but I can tell she’s still upset. I pick her up with my good arm and set her on my hip. She leans her head on my shoulder and I hear her quiet sob release. She’s so tiny and fragile, and my heart hurts for her.

  God, what I wouldn’t give to fix her hearing. I’d give up every single dream I’ve ever had to make this little girl hear and be able to live a normal life. As I walk back to the truck, I hear my phone ping with an incoming text. I get Landry buckled into her booster seat and pull my phone out of my purse.

  KR: I’ll be there. What time?

  I respond with the time and throw my phone back in my purse. Now I have to do some planning. I take Landry back to Pop’s house and let him know that I am meeting with Kyler this evening. He looks at me questioningly but doesn’t ask. We sit Landry down and ask her if she wants to come live with me for a while. We don’t want to scare her or make her think Pops doesn’t want her living there. Plus, at this point, we don’t know if she’ll eventually end up living with Kyler. She smiles and says she wants to come stay with me. I tell her that I will come back tomorrow and we will start packing up her stuff. I hug Pops and Landry and head to the store.

  As I walk through Albertsons, I’m torn on how to start off this conversation with Kyler. There are so many questions. Does he even want to be a part of her life? Does he plan to take custody of her? What did the letter from Lu say? Is he capable of handling her being deaf? Did he even hear me say that part? Should I introduce him to her, or should we wait until the custody issue is resolved?

  I realize I’ve been standing in the same spot, staring at the wine for like 10 minutes. I can’t make decisions while my brain is focused elsewhere. I grab a bottle of merlot and one of pinot noir, and head for the veggie section and then the refrigerated pasta sections. Pasta is quick and easy. I find what I’m looking for and head to the checkout. I realize it’s getting late and I need to shower and get dinner going.

  The shower is hot and therapeutic, and it gives me a minute to settle my nerves. Well, the shower and a very large glass of the merlot. I throw on my favorite pair of worn jeans and my AC/DC tank top, add some powder to h
ide the shine on my face, lip balm and I’m done. No need for fancy dress and makeup today. This isn’t a date. This is a friendly meeting about the future of a beautiful little girl who is lost right now. I go over and have Will throw my hair up in a bun, promising to sit and visit with him soon to fill him in on all the shit that’s happened.

  I make my way to the kitchen to start dinner, stopping only to put my iPod on the speaker. I need a little Enigma tonight. I fill the pot with water, a little oil and salt and put it to boil. I chop the garlic and tomatoes, add extra virgin olive oil to the sauté pan and throw them in. I also toss in fresh basil and a little balsamic vinegar. I love the smell of garlic and basil. Just as I put the pasta into the boiling water and start to stir, the doorbell rings. I stir a few more times to ensure the pasta doesn’t stick together and head to the door. A soft knock comes just as I reach the door. I look through the peephole and see Kyler on the other side. I undo the chain and deadbolt and open the door. Deep breath.

  There he stands, looking gorgeous as usual, bouquet of flowers and bottle of wine in hand. I smile at him and invite him in. “Thanks, Kyler. You didn’t need to bring me flowers. They’re beautiful,” I say as he hands me the wine. “Now this,” I continue, holding up the wine, “this you needed to bring.” I chuckle, trying to break the awkward tension.

  He laughs and follows me into the kitchen.

  “Holy shit, it smells good in here. What are you making?” he asks as he sits down on the barstool at the bar.

  “It’s just pasta. I don’t know what it’s called. Pasta, garlic, tomatoes, balsamic, and a little parm. Simple. Would you like some wine?” I turn back toward the cabinet with my wine glasses.

  “Sure,” he says quietly.

  “Red or white?” I ask as I walk to the fridge.

  “Whatever you’re having will be fine. No need to open another bottle till that one’s gone.” He chuckles lightly.

  I pour him a glass of merlot and hand it to him.

  “You chill your merlot?” he questions after taking a hefty sip.

  “Yeah, I don’t like room-temp wine, no matter the type,” I explain as I turn back and stir the pasta one more time to ensure it’s done. I turn off the stove and start to pick up the pot but stop when I feel my shoulder scream. Damn it. I turn and look toward Kyler, but he is already up and heading my way.

  “Let me get that, Carson,” he offers as he lifts the pot from the stove and dumps the contents into the colander in the sink.

  “Thanks. Can you just dump the noodles back into the pot?” I ask, turning to get the mixture of garlic and tomatoes to put over it.

  I grab bowls, scoop noodles into one of them, put a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil over the top, a scoop of the garlic/tomato mixture, a sprinkle of parm and a little fresh basil. I turn to hand Kyler his bowl and he is right behind me, almost causing me to dump it down the front of him. He grabs it at the last second, making both of us chuckle.

  “Sorry. Apparently I’m in my own little world with the delicious smell of garlic and didn’t realize you were stalking up behind me,” I joke.

  “Ha ha,” he replies sarcastically with a smirk and heads with his bowl to the table. I make my own bowl and join him a few minutes later.

  We make small talk about how my shoulder is feeling and Kyler asks about how the investigation is coming along. I fill him in on the little bit I know but really, everything seems to be at a standstill since they have no leads right now.

  “Carson, this is delicious. Thank you for dinner,” he says with a smile.

  “You’re welcome.” I keep my head down, not having the faintest idea of how to bring up the discussion we need to have.

  As we rinse our bowls and I load the dishwasher, Kyler walks up behind me but doesn’t touch me. I know he is there, though, because I can feel the heat coming off him. I finish wiping down the sink, shut the water off and turn. He’s standing with his hands in his pockets like he is trying to keep himself from touching me.

  “I think we should grab our wine and go sit at the table so we can talk,” I say as I turn to grab the wine bottle.

  “Sounds good,” Kyler replies as he heads to the bar, grabs his wine glass and meets me at the table.

  “Be-before we even start this discussion, Carson, can I ask you a question?” he stutters out. I look over at him and can see the nervousness written all over his face.

  “Anything, Kyler,” I respond quietly.

  “Does she look like me?” I hear his voice tremble.

  I take a deep breath and look at him. I mean really look at him. Now that I know he is Landry’s dad, I can see the similarities, but Landry looks so much like Lulu. The one thing I can’t believe I ever missed is the eyes. Landry’s eyes are exactly the same beautiful blue as Kyler’s.

  I nod my head in the affirmative, get up and walk toward the shelf on the other side of my living room. I grab the picture frame that holds a picture of me, Lulu and Landry that was taken just a few weeks before the accident. We were at the zoo, and Landry was laughing so she has a huge smile on her face.

  I walk back over to Kyler and stand in front of him with the picture pressed against my chest. “She has your eyes, Kyler,” I whisper. “Do you want to see a picture of her?” I ask.

  He nods and I hand him the picture. He doesn’t look at it immediately, but takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. This has to be so hard for him. So confusing. I watch as Kyler opens his eyes and turns the frame over. He doesn’t move, or breathe, or say anything for what feels like forever. When he looks up at me, he has tears threatening to fall and he quickly stands, pacing again like he did last time.

  “I am so mad at her, Carson. I know she was your friend, but I’m so fucking mad at her for not telling me I have a daughter.” His voice is shaking and he continues to pace back and forth.

  “Her letter said she didn’t tell me because she was in a new relationship by the time she found out and didn’t want to make things awkward. SHE KEPT MY KID FROM ME SO SHE COULD GO OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. That is not my idea of a good reason. She also said that she didn’t want me to think she had gotten pregnant on purpose to get at my money.” He stops pacing and looks at me.

  I don’t know what to say, so I just say the only thing I can manage to choke out. “I’m sorry, Kyler.”

  “You’re sorry,” he echoes with venom in his voice. He shakes his head and turns his back to me.

  “Carson, this is not your fault. I completely believe you that you didn’t know I was Landry’s dad. I am just so mad at this whole situation. I can’t help but take it out on anybody I talk to about it.” He yells without turning back to look at me. “How could she keep me from my little girl?” he almost whispers.

  I walk up behind him and put my good hand on his shoulder, lightly rubbing it. I feel the need to comfort him the way he has comforted me when I needed him to. Kyler turns, grabs my hands in his and looks into my eyes.

  “I have no doubt she is mine because I can see she is. You are right, she does have my eyes,” he admits with a sad smile. “But in order for me to get my name put on her birth certificate, I need to have paternity testing done. Are you okay with that?” he asks.

  “Of course it’s okay, Kyler. Landry is your daughter, and you’ve already lost five years with her,” I say sympathetically.

  “Look, when I showed up at your office the other day and was blindsided by the lawyer thing, I didn’t handle it well. I’d just dumped a life-altering event in your lap, and I don’t know how I expected you to react. It wasn’t with a lawyer, though.” I stop and look him in the eyes. “Kyler, I need you to know that I’d never keep Landry away from you. You are her father. Lu left her to me because she didn’t know how you would react to having a daughter, and she wanted to ensure Landry was taken care of. Like you said, y’all didn’t really get to know each other. She had no idea how you’d react.” I turn and grab the wine bottle, pouring both of us a hefty glass.

  Kyler looks at me for a
moment and grabs his wine, taking a large gulp but never losing eye contact.

  “So, my question to you is what do you want to do about custody?” I ask him.

  Kyler looks at me for a moment, sets his glass down, and then walks to the window that looks out into the courtyard in front of my apartment.

  “I don’t know, Carson. To tell you the truth, I’m terrified! I have no doubt I will love her. Hell, I already love her and I’ve never even met her. But I also don’t want to take her away from the only people she’s ever known as her family,” he says while running his hands through his hair like he might rip it out. “Does she know about me? Have you told her yet?” he asks quietly.

  “No. I didn’t want to confuse her by telling her about you and then you deciding you couldn’t handle being a part of her life. She’s already lost enough,” I explain as nicely as I can. “So, again, what do you want to do about custody? Pops can’t keep taking care of her, and my plan is to get her and her things tomorrow to come live with me.”

  “I want to be a part of her life, Carson. I want to know my daughter. I also know that you and Luanne’s dad are the only family she has. I don’t want to rip her away from that,” he says quickly.

  I breathe a sigh of relief. Okay. We can work around everything else.

  “Look, Kyler. I know she will love you and love you being in her life, but she is a lot to handle. You need to learn how to sign, first and foremost. You have to be able to communicate with her,” I respond.

  He looks at me questioningly for a moment and then it’s like he realized what I just said. His hands clench into fists and he drops his head to his chest, breathing deeply. It’s in that moment I realize that when I had told him about Landry, he may have zoned out on the part about her being deaf.