Raising Landry

by Andee Michelle

  “I just wanted to see how you were feeling about going out to dinner with Chris tonight,” he replies, sounding completely out of character. He sounds sad.

  “What’s wrong, Kyler?” I ask quickly.

  He sighs heavily. “Nothing’s wrong. I guess I’m just a little worried,” he says lightly.

  “What are you worried about?” I question, sounding a little more irritated than I intended.

  “Well, I know we discussed making a go at whatever it is we feel for each other, but I know that you have a history with this Chris guy. Makes me a little nervous that you’re having dinner with him,” he says sternly but gently.

  I almost giggle at the absurdity of the thought. “Look, Ky. Chris is happily married with two beautiful little girls. I’ve seen him several times and, to be honest, I have no idea why I ever thought we were good together. The dinner is with Chris and his wife. I asked for the dinner with them so I could have closure. I need to have that closure so I can let them both go,” I tell him.

  “What do you mean ‘let them both go’?” he asks, sounding confused and a little irritated.

  “He’s married to my cousin, Jenna. The one he cheated on me with and knocked up. The same cousin who used to be my best friend and was close enough to me that I considered her my sister.” I pause because I’m getting choked up and I don’t know why. “They’ve been together since I left.” I take a deep breath because saying that out loud kind of causes a lump in my throat. “I need to let them both go, Kyler. I need to really forgive them, tell them goodbye and move on with my life. My life in Seattle, with you and Landry.”

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment and I think maybe I’ve upset him somehow.

  “I’m happy to hear that,” he says, a smile in his voice. “I won’t lie and say I am completely okay with the dinner, because it still makes me a little nervous. But after what you just told me, I feel a ton better. Just promise me that you won’t let whatever they have to say upset you too much.”

  “I’ve actually already talked to both of them before tonight. I’m pretty sure they know I’m ready to forgive them so we can all just move on, but I need the closure of telling them both how bad they hurt me. I need to let it all out and then forgive them on my terms. You have absolutely nothing to worry about, Kyler. I can’t wait to get home to you and Landry so we can see where this goes, and I can get started on my restaurant!” I almost shout the last part and he chuckles.

  “Okay, I get it. Please, just be careful and remember that no matter how they react, you are doing this for your own heart, not for theirs. Whether they are sorry or not, you are moving past that time in your life so you can focus fully on the wonderful things to come,” he tells me.

  “Thank you,” I choke out. “I will text you when I get back to the hotel.” I decide not to tell him that I already booked my flight home. I think I’m going to surprise them by getting home before them on Thursday and having a big dinner of their favorites ready and waiting for them.

  “Okay, baby. Remember, this dinner is for you to let go, no matter their reaction,” he reiterates gently.

  “I’ll text you when I get in,” I promise again.

  “Sounds good. Talk to you soon,” he says.

  “You, too,” I reply as I hear a knock at my door. I press End and head toward the door.

  I open the door to find Jenna standing outside. Alone.

  I stand there for a moment, waiting for her to say something but she doesn’t, so I jump in with both feet.

  “Hey, Jen. Where’s Chris?” I ask her, looking down the empty hallway.

  “Well, I figured I’d come up and get you. He’s down in the car and I wanted to talk to you alone before we head out for dinner,” she says, sounding kind of irritated.

  “Okay,” I draw out. “What do you need to talk to me about without him here?” I ask.

  “I just want to make sure you understand that Chris is mine now. We have built a life together, and I won’t let you come back in here and take him away,” she declares, trying hard to sound strong, but there is a slight shaking in her voice. I’m proud of her. When we were kids, Jenna never stood up for herself. She always let me do it for her. She had a loud-mouthed cousin who would whoop anyone’s ass that messed with her. My leaving made her grow some balls and I like it.

  I grab her hand and pull her into my hotel room. I can tell she’s nervous. More nervous than I’ve ever seen her, I think. She won’t make eye contact with me, her hands are shaking, and her chin is quivering, although she is trying hard to cover all of that up with a tough scowl on her face.

  “Jenna, let’s sit and have a chat. Text Chris and tell him we’ll be down shortly,” I say gently. She nods and pulls out her phone.

  A minute later, she looks back up and I can see the tears in her eyes.

  She doesn’t even wait until I’m seated before she starts. “I can’t ever express to you how sorry I am that things happened the way they did back then. I miss you every single day, Carson. But I’m not sorry that I ended up with Chris,” she chokes out. “I’ve loved him since we were kids, Car. He’s the other half of my heart and the father of my beautiful babies. I’m sorry we hurt you.” The tears are falling down both our faces as I reach out and grab her and pull her into my arms. I didn’t think until this moment about how much I truly missed her.

  “I’m sorry, too, Jenna, because I think I always knew in my heart, even though I did love him, that he wasn’t mine. I had no idea how you felt. If I had, things may have been different. He didn’t belong to me. He never did,” I say quickly, trying not to cry harder. “I love you, Jenna, and always will.” I once again pull her to me and hug her tightly.

  “I know you thought I was going to try to take Chris away from you. I can hear it in your voice and see it on your face,” I say, looking directly at her. She still won’t look me in the eye; instead, she’s scanning the room like she’s interested in our surroundings.

  “The thing is that couldn’t be further from the truth,” I tell her sternly. “I know you all think I left here and ran off to live the high life on my trust fund, but the truth is, I’ve been bartending and putting myself through culinary school since I left. I haven’t touched my trust fund at all.” This makes her whip her head in my direction.

  I continue. “My life in Seattle has been fantastic but complicated. What I need you to understand is that I have an amazing man waiting for me back there who I see a future with. He’s wonderful and loving and gorgeous and he gets ME,” I emphasize. “I also have partial custody of a beautiful little girl who I love like my own, who needs me to remind her every single day that her mother, who was my best friend, loved her with her whole heart,” I choke out, pausing to swallow down the emotion I feel overtaking me.

  “I know that Chris and I were not meant to be together. It took me a while to understand that it wasn’t meant to be, but once I did, I let go of that hurt. I see how beautiful the life y’all built together is. You have two beautiful little girls. I’d NEVER in a million years get in the middle of that. The reason I asked y’all to dinner was so I could tell y’all both that I am ready to let go of what happened between all of us. It took me a long time, but I know that what happened led me to the life I have in Seattle now, and I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world.” I stop because Jenna has tears running down her face now, too, and I know she realizes I’m telling the truth.

  “I just need you to know I have absolutely no desire to get back together with Chris,” I finish.

  Jenna smiles back at me with tears in her eyes.

  She stops and looks me in the eye before she speaks again. “Carson, I will never be able to explain how sorry I am that things happened the way they did. I was just terrified to lose you, so I didn’t say anything.” She starts to cry softly as she continues. “I’m sure you don’t need the details, but let’s just say that a few months before the wedding, he realized he had those feelings for me, too. We were torn. We both
loved you but didn’t know how to tell you. After you left, we were both heartbroken because we’d lost you, and it was all because of our love for each other. You have to know that we were both horrified at what we’d done to you. We both love you so much, Carson.” She can no longer hold back her sobs.

  “It’s okay, Jen. I see that now. I’m sorry we lost each other in the process of all of it. I know now that Chris and I were not meant to be together. I’m sorry, too, that things had to blow up the way they did, but you have to admit that if they hadn’t, both our lives would be so much different than they are now. It was fate that intervened. I know that for a fact.” I hug her to me, feeling that protective response I used to feel.

  We are wrapped in each other’s arms when Jenna’s phone pings with an incoming text. She wipes her eyes and looks down at her phone. “Chris is wondering what is taking so long.” She chuckles.

  “Tell him we’ll be down in a minute.”

  “I think I’m ready to go home to my girls, Carson,” she says as she looks up at me. “Having your forgiveness and this conversation with you has made me realize how foolish I’ve been. I needed you to forgive me for us to move on with our lives. It’s been a point of contention in our relationship for too long.” She gives me a small smile and takes a deep breath. “I’m going home to my girls. You and Chris need to talk, and then to be able to forgive and move on. I see that now.”

  She reaches over and pulls me to her. “Are you sure you don’t want to come with us to dinner? It will probably be easier for everyone if you’re there,” I ask her gently as I pull back from her embrace.

  “Nope. You two need to talk and then let each other go. I don’t need to be there for that. We’ve said our peace, and I’m thankful to have your forgiveness and to know that you are happy now. But I know we’ll never have a relationship like we used to and I don’t expect one. A Christmas card every year telling us how you are doing would be wonderful, though,” she says with a big, teary-eyed smile.

  “Same goes for you.” I squeeze her hand in mine. “Let’s head down before Chris sends the cavalry looking for us.” We both chuckle.

  When we get to the front of the hotel, Chris is parked in the loading zone. Jenna goes around to the driver’s side and talks to Chris for a moment before he gets out, hugs her and nods to me.

  “I’m going to take a taxi home, Carson. You two go have your talk.” She smiles at me before hugging me one last time.

  “Goodbye, Jenna,” I tell her.

  “Goodbye, Carson. Send my husband home at a decent hour, would ya?” She laughs.

  “Yes, ma’am,” I agree with a salute.

  I stand unmoving until I see Jenna get into a taxi and they drive away. When I get into the car, Chris looks uncomfortable, but gives me a weak smile.

  “What was that about?” he asks quietly.

  “Jenna and I said what we needed to say, and she told me she felt like she needed to be home with y’alls girls and that we needed our time to talk, too,” I explain, trying to make the knot in my stomach go away.

  Why am I so nervous? I think I know in the back of my mind that I’m going to finally have the closure I’ve needed to move on with my life and my potential relationship with Kyler. I know I’m not in love with Chris. I just need to let it all go.

  Chris nods and pulls away from the curb. We drive for a while and it seems like it’s taking a while to get to dinner.

  “Where are we going, Chris?” I ask him, a little more sternly than I intended.

  He turns and looks at me with a huge smile.

  “Clancy’s,” we say in unison.

  As we pull into Clancy’s parking lot, I can smell the seafood cooking and I smile at the memories this restaurant brings back. My dad and I would come here every year for my birthday because it’s my favorite. Their food is legendary, and I forgot how much I miss that damn smell. My phone pings in my purse and I pull it out to see a text from Kyler.

  K:Hey baby. You at dinner yet?

  Me:Yeah, my favorite restaurant, too. I’m not gonna be able to move later. Lol

  K:lol. What’s the name of it?

  Me:Clancy’s. You’d love it. :)

  K:Maybe we’ll have to go back to visit sometime and you can take me.

  Me:Maybe. :) I’ll call you when I get back to the hotel.

  I put my phone back in my purse and look over at Chris.

  “Thanks for bringing me here. You know my daddy and I loved this place,” I say sadly, but smile at him so he knows I really am glad we are eating here.

  “I knew if you hadn’t been before you left that you’d kick yourself later,” he tells me with an easy smile.

  We walk into Clancy’s and wait to be seated. I take in the look and feel of it all. It’s beautiful in a New Orleans way. As much as I miss it here, it doesn’t feel like home anymore. My stomach growls audibly, and I laugh loud enough for Chris to hear me apparently.

  “What’s so funny?” he asks with a grin.

  “My stomach must remember this place because it’s growling like I haven’t eaten in a week.” I laugh again.

  We follow the hostess to our table and both take our seats. I don’t even need to look at the menu. Crawfish Etouffe is my absolute favorite and I order it and a rum and Coke. My nerves are a little better now that we are seated, but a little liquid courage will help. I know this conversation will help me let go of my past completely and move on with Kyler.

  The waiter brings our drinks and he sips his in silence for a few minutes, both of us unable to decide how to begin this conversation. I can’t stand the tension for long and decide to just jump in with both feet. I chug down my first drink, waving at the waiter to bring me another one.

  “Look, I know this entire thing is just awkward, so let’s just get the conversation over with so we can enjoy dinner, okay?” I ask, finally looking up from my empty glass to see that Chris is studying my expression. He nods.

  He takes a deep breath and I start to talk, but he puts his hand on top of mine on the table and I stop instantly. The waiter sets another rum and Coke in front of me. His face is pained, and I’m almost afraid of what is going to come out of his mouth. He doesn’t remove his hand from mine while he speaks. I take a long slow drink and give him my full attention.

  “From the deepest depths of my heart, I am sorry, Carson. What we did to you was unforgiveable. I’m sure Jenna already told you, but I also need for you to know that we never planned for our affair to happen.” He pauses, never taking his eyes off our joined hands. “I lied to your parents, too. I told them it was a one-night stand and that I didn’t have feelings for her. I did. I was trying to deny them because I shouldn’t have felt that way about my fiancé’s cousin. The first time we got together, we were both drunk, and swore to each other it was a one-time thing and would never happen again. But then it happened again, without the alcohol, and although we both tried to fight what we felt, we couldn’t stay away from each other.” Chris stops and looks up at my face for my reaction. I pull my hand from his and place it in my lap with the other one.

  “Let me ask you a question, Chris. I want brutal honesty here because I really need to know.” I pause, not sure if I want the answer or not. “Was there something I did or didn’t do that pushed you into someone else’s arms?” I get the words out quickly. Since the day of the wedding, I’ve always felt like I did something that drove him to her. Another drink done, waiving for another.

  “Carson, no!” he practically shouts at me with aggravation. “You did nothing wrong. You were my best friend and I did love you, but I think I misunderstood the kind of love I had for you. I loved you because you were my best friend, and I thought that was the kind of love that would last forever. It wasn’t passionate love. It was comfortable love. We were so young with such little experience. It took me a long time to realize that. It took you coming back here for me to realize that.” He shakes his head as if trying to clear it.

  I look back down at my hands and
let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. Hearing Chris tell me that it wasn’t something I caused makes my heart feel a little lighter. It takes me a minute to realize what he just said. The waiter and I may be on a first name basis before the end of this night. More drink.

  “What do you mean it took you until I came back to realize that?” I ask him with what must look like confusion on my face.

  “Jenna and I have been together since you left. We married and had our girls, but there has always been something holding us back from being truly happy together.” He stops, taking a large gulp of his drink before he continues. “Jenna and I had a big fight when I told her you were coming back. She has always known I was torn on who I should’ve been with, but when you took that option away when you left, she felt like I was with her by default. She was afraid you’d come back and I’d leave her and the girls,” he spits out quickly and takes another drink. “I didn’t know how I’d feel when you came back so I didn’t dissuade her. I just told her I needed time to figure it all out; that I was tired of just being comfortable. That I needed to see you again so I’d know for sure in my heart where I was supposed to be.”

  I hold up my hand to make him stop and I stand up quickly. “I need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back,” I choke out as I push away my chair and take off in the direction of the restrooms before he can respond. I need to get my mind straight before this conversation continues.

  I take my time in the bathroom, giving myself a few moments to figure out what to say to Chris. I know he loves Jenna. I know we were never meant to end up together, and I need him to believe that. I can only pray he makes the right decision here.

  I walk back out to our table and I can tell by his tense shoulders that he is nervous.

  “I need to get this out before you say anything, Carson,” he starts before I’m even completely in my seat. I nod, never taking my eyes off his.

  “That day in the parking lot of the hospital, when we were getting out of the car and Jenna and the girls were there. That was the moment I knew,” he stops for a moment, “that my life and my heart are Jenna’s.” He says this almost too quietly. He is watching my eyes for a reaction and I give him one when I smile huge.