Raising Landry

by Andee Michelle

  “Chris, I knew the moment I saw you watching her that day that y’all should be together. I could see the love and longing in your eyes, but I could also see the pain. You and Jenna have lived the past 6 years together, but have been too worried about what y’all did to me to enjoy it.” I reach over, grab his hand and hold it tight in mine. “I think I realized a while ago that what we had was not true love. You were right when you said you loved me like a best friend. That’s the way I loved you, but I thought that’s what forever love was supposed to feel like. It didn’t dawn on me that wasn’t the case until recently. True love is supposed to be earth shattering, and heart-rending, and breath taking. It’s supposed to make you give up anything and everything to be with that one person. Although I know we loved each other in our own way, we were not in love. You love Jen. I see it every time you look at her. You never looked at me like that, and I don’t think I ever looked at you like that.” I squeeze his hand. His eyes have unshed tears and he squeezes my hand back.

  Just then, the waiter brings our meals. We eat in silence, only pausing once in a while to make small talk about how the LSU Tigers’ football season is going or what his parents and brothers have been up to. When our dinner is finished, I know it’s time for me to tell him goodbye for the last time and to fully let go of my heartbreak. It was misguided anyway. I don’t want him to drive me back to the hotel. I need to hug him, forgive him and let it all go.

  He pulls my chair out for me and I stand, a little wobbly from the rum and Cokes I basically sucked down in two seconds. Chris reaches for my upper arm to steady me, looping my arm at his elbow so he can guide me outside. I allow it because I’m a little tipsy.

  When we get outside into the evening air, I take a deep breath, trying to make a lasting memory of the smells here.

  “Thank you for dinner, Carson.” He smiles down at me. “But mostly, I need to thank you for forgiving us and for making me realize that my heart and place in this world are with Jenna.” He pulls me to him and hugs me tight.

  “And thank you, Chris. For running me off so I could go after my dreams and to find my happiness with those I’m supposed to be with,” I say with a chuckle, but tears are streaming down my face. It feels good to let that hurt go.

  We both pull back slowly; Chris puts both hands on my cheeks and pulls my forehead to his lips, kissing my head gently. He whispers, “Goodbye, Carson. Be good to yourself. Whoever he is, he’s a lucky bastard and don’t ever forget that.” I nod and quickly throw my hand up to hail a cab.

  “You enjoy your life with those beautiful girls, Chris. Don’t ever miss a moment of it. Life is too short,” I tell him as he walks me toward the taxi. “Tell Jenna goodbye for me, too.” I turn to say goodbye for the last time when I catch a face behind him that makes me freeze.

  I watch as he shakes his head, looks down at the beautiful little angel standing beside him who is not looking at me, picks her up and starts to walk away.

  “Kyler!” I yell, but he keeps walking. What the hell are they doing here? I rush past Chris who turns to see what I’m yelling at with confusion written all over his face. When he sees the retreating form of a man and little girl, he follows behind me. I turn and tell Chris he should go and I’ll be fine, that I need to find out what’s going on.

  He stops and nods, watching me head to the parking lot. I continue my pursuit of Kyler’s retreating form but just as I get close enough to grab his arm, I’m thrown off balance by something and land on the concrete hard.

  When I look up, Kyler and Landry’s taxi is pulling away, neither of them looking back at me.

  I look around but don’t see anybody or anything around, so I’m not sure what threw me off-balance. I swear something hit me, but maybe I am tipsier than I thought. I stand gently and my shoulder screams in pain. Damn it. I landed on my bad shoulder and now it’s throbbing.

  I walk back over to the front of Clancy’s and waive another cab over. I give him the name of my hotel and he heads in that direction. Pulling my phone from my purse, I text Kyler.

  Me:Want to explain to me why you just ran away from me?

  He doesn’t respond. I think about the situation he just watched in front of the restaurant. He probably saw Chris hug me and kiss my forehead and then walk me to a cab. That seems innocent enough. I mean, I told him Chris is happily married and that I don’t have those feelings for him anymore. So, why would he assume anything else? It’s not like Chris and I were making out. He kissed my forehead, for Christ’s sake.

  The longer the drive takes, the more pissed I get. He doesn’t trust me. He came here to see if I was with Chris. He jumped to conclusions about a totally innocent situation and now he’s pissed. Well, screw him. He can be pissed. I’m pissed.

  When I get into my hotel room and I still haven’t gotten a response from him, I decide to just lay it out there.

  Me: Ya know what, never mind. I don’t care why. You must have assumed the worst of me if you thought there was anything about that situation that wasn’t completely innocent. I’ll see you when I get back to Seattle.

  I put my phone on the bed and walk into the bathroom to wash my face and put on my pjs. After my face is almost scrubbed raw from my aggression, I return to the bed, get in and turn off the light. I open the screen to see if Kyler has responded. He has.

  K:Innocent, my ass. There was no missing the intimacy of that moment. When we get back to Seattle, you need to start looking for a new place to live.

  I stare at my phone, tears rolling down my face. He really thinks that little of me. The anger bubbles inside of me and I can’t talk myself out of my response.

  Me:Believe what you want. I’ll move my shit out as soon as I get back.

  I throw my cell onto the table and pick up the hotel phone. I call down to room service and ask them to bring me up a bottle of Captain Morgan’s rum and a six-pack of Coke.

  Tomorrow, I’m going to sign the papers at Beau’s office, say goodbye to New Orleans, and head back to Seattle. I’m going to pack up my things, go back to my apartment and figure out what the hell to do next. I’m a mixture of heartbroken that Kyler doesn’t trust me, and pissed that he even thinks he has a right to second-guess me. My emotions are all over the place and I just need a stiff drink and some sleep.

  After a few drinks before I go to bed, I text Kyler one last time.

  Me:Please tell Landry I love and miss her.

  I lay the phone down and get up to go brush my teeth. When I return to the bed, there is a text from Kyler.

  K:She loves you, too.

  I’ll have to talk to Kyler once we both cool off about visitation. The thought of being away from them breaks my heart even more. The truth is, I adore Kyler and really felt like we connected on a level that could make a relationship between us amazing. I guess I was wrong, though, because I can’t imagine spending my life with someone who trusts so little. I’ve never given him a reason to not trust me, and for him to just get pissed and walk away without letting me explain shows me how little I know about his personality.

  I decide to check my email before I turn in for the night and find that I received one from the airline saying they have a cancellation on an earlier flight. It leaves tomorrow at 2 p.m., only has one stop and will get me home late tomorrow night. Score. I can get the hell out of here early. Even though I know I’m not running home to Kyler, I’m totally ready to get home and start fixing my life.

  I know it’s time for bed because the more I think about the Kyler situation, the madder I get. Who does he think he is, following me, watching me and then assuming the worst after I told him I don’t have feelings for Chris anymore and that he is happily married? Either he doesn’t trust me or he was looking for an out. Whatever the reason, I won’t chase him. As strong as my feelings are for him, I’ll never again put myself in a position where I will let a man break me. I just have to let him go and hope like hell he doesn’t keep Landry from me. I know he loves her and would never hurt her, so I don’t t
hink he will. He knows how close our bond is and he’d never hurt his daughter like that. Me, on the other hand, he doesn’t care enough about to listen. So, in my exhausted drunken stupor, I decide I have to let him go. I will focus on my own shit. I’ll build the best damn restaurant Seattle’s ever seen, and spend as much time with Landry as I can.

  Whatever. I need sleep. I feel my eyes start to get heavy as I play the scene in my mind over and over again. It’s not long before I drift off into a shallow sleep. I wake up screaming a few hours later. I dreamt of the accident again and I’m sure it’s because of my fallout with Kyler. I sob into my pillow, feeling Lu’s absence. I miss her so much.

  I wake the next morning with a killer headache and puffy eyes. I call down to order room service and jump in the shower. I need to get my shit together today. I have to pack, sign papers, and get to the airport as soon as possible.

  After eating the biscuits and gravy and downing a Gatorade and a cup of coffee, I dress casual and head to Beau’s office. I leave my bags at the front with IdaMae and head to the conference room to meet with the Walkers.

  Beau greets me kindly and offers me coffee, which I decline. Chris is not here, and I’m thankful. I don’t have the patience to answer questions about what happened last night with Kyler, and I don’t really want to feel any awkwardness between us. Beau said Chris had called in and said he was taking “his girls” to the beach for the weekend. I could tell by Beau’s demeanor that this surprised him. I can only hope that means Chris let go of our past and is moving on with his family.

  Beau and I spend the next couple hours going through all the paperwork. When we are finished, I give Beau a hug and thank him for everything. He hugs me tight and tells me to keep in touch.

  I make my way to IdaMae before the tears threaten to fall. She pulls me to her and hugs me so tightly I can hardly breathe.

  “Now you listen to me, Carson Miriam Breaux. Don’t you go so long before you call me, missy. I love you and I want you to keep in touch with me so I don’t worry. Ya hear me?” she says quietly, and I can hear the emotion in her voice.

  “I promise, IdaMae. I will call. I’m sorry it took me so long to pull my head outta my ass. It won’t happen again.” I squeeze her tight and pull back to look at her face. “I love you, ya know that, right? You have always been more of a mama to me than my own mother. I need you to know how thankful I am to have had you in my life growing up.” I watch as her tears fall and mine are quick to follow.

  “I love you, too, baby. Now you get outta here and go be happy. Just remember to keep in touch with this ol’ lady,” she says with a smirk.

  I nod, grab my bags and head out to the waiting cab.

  It’s time to go home.

  I’m still exhausted from my drunken crying fest last night, so it doesn’t take me long before I fall asleep on my flight to Los Angeles. I dream about the night I met Jerrod. The night I set everything that’s happened into motion. Thankfully I don’t wake up screaming, although I’m a sweaty mess when I wake and the lady next to me looks appalled at my appearance.

  LAX is packed, and I rush to get to my next terminal as fast as possible. There isn’t much of a layover, and I want to grab something to eat once I know where my next flight is leaving from. Luckily for me, the Creative Croissant is near my terminal so I grab a sandwich, a bag of chips, and a tea and head over to sit near the gate while I eat.

  I take my phone off airplane mode and set it next to me while I finish up my dinner. It pings a few times but I really don’t even want to look at it. I just want to get back to Seattle, gather my things from Kyler’s, and go back to my crappy apartment. They call my flight up for boarding. I gather all my stuff up, toss the trash and glance at my phone. The texts are from Kyler, Beau and one from an unknown number. Thinking it may be from Jerrod, I open that one first and am surprised to find it’s from Jenna, thanking me for giving her back the Chris she fell in love with. I smile at my phone before I put it back on airplane mode. My heart is happy for them, because no matter what we went through, at the end of the day, they belong together.

  The whole flight from LA to Seattle, I think about my dad. I still don’t know that my heart believes he’s gone. I think after having been away from him for so many years, it’s weird to think of him as gone instead of just “back home”.

  Once my flight lands and I have my bags from the baggage claim, it’s closing in on 11 p.m. I can’t go back to Kyler’s tonight. I don’t know if they are back from New Orleans yet, and I can’t see him right now anyway. I’ll just go back to my apartment tonight and get my things tomorrow during work hours. That way, if he is home from New Orleans, he’ll be at work and I won’t accidently run into him.

  I hail a taxi and give him the address of the old apartment building. It’ll be weird being there again. When the driver pulls up in front of the building, my nerves kick in and my hands shake as I pay him and get out of the car. I pull my bags out of the trunk and head inside. When I make it to my apartment, I see the entire door is new. I stick my key into the lock, turn it and breathe a sigh of relief when it opens. I was afraid they’d changed the locks, too.

  I push the door wide and turn on the light before I step inside. Everything looks untouched since the day Kyler brought me here to pick up my clothes and valuables. I shut the front door and lock it before heading to my room to drop my bags. My bedroom looks the same, too.

  I’m pretty sure Kyler had someone come clean this place after I moved in with him, though, because as I walk through each room, I notice how clean everything is. There is no dust on my bookshelves, the bathroom is clean and the kitchen is spotless with nothing in the cabinets or fridge/freezer.

  I’m hungry, but since there is nothing to eat in the apartment, it’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I’m exhausted. I head for the shower, praying the hot water lasts long enough for me to wash off the day’s travel grime. I enjoy the five minutes the water stays hot and then throw on the shorts and tank from my luggage to sleep in.

  I pull an old blanket from my linen closet and head to the bedroom. I’m so ready for this day to be done and for tomorrow’s new beginning. Before I forget, I pull up my text messages to see what Beau texted me about.

  B:Carson, I hope you make it back to Seattle safely. I’ll keep you posted on all of the donations as they are distributed.

  I’ll text him back tomorrow since it’s so late there. I thought about it during my flight home, and I don’t think I’m going to text Jenna back. I’m glad that she, Chris and the girls are able to move on with their lives, but I can’t be a part of it. I am so thankful that we all got the closure we needed, but I’m ready to move on, and letting them go is part of that.

  I think I’ll ignore the texts from Kyler for now. I’m still pissed, and I’ll probably say something I’ll regret later.

  I curl up with the blanket and close my eyes, praying I can actually sleep without a nightmare tonight.

  I wake to my phone ringing and the sun shining through the window. I must have been even more tired than I thought, because I literally feel like I fell asleep 10 minutes ago, but I slept for almost 10 hours.

  I don’t even look at the phone before I answer it.

  “Hello,” I mumble.

  “Why aren’t you returning my texts, Carson? You could be a damn grown-up about this situation,” Kyler basically shouts into the phone.

  “Is Landry okay?” I calmly ask through clenched teeth.

  He doesn’t respond immediately. “Yes, she’s fine, but—”

  I cut him off quickly, “Then we have nothing to talk about, Kyler. I’ll come by the house later to get my things.” I hang up quickly because I can feel my voice start to tremble, and I don’t want him to hear it. I can hear him shouting as I end the call, but I just can’t do this right now.

  Since I’m awake and even more pissed off now, I decide I might as well get up and get on with my day.

  I shower quickly, throwing on a pair of worn jeans, a t
-shirt and my Chucks. I remember as I make my way into the kitchen that not only do I not have coffee, but my stomach is about to eat itself I’m so hungry, and there is no food in the apartment, either.

  It’s closing in on lunch time but I need my fix, so I make a quick stop at Starbucks for coffee and a breakfast bagel. I’m sitting in the parking lot devouring the bagel like I haven’t eaten in days. I’m sure it’s attractive to anyone who walks by.

  I finish up and figure I’ll just drive by Kyler’s to see if he’s home. I still haven’t looked at the texts he sent yesterday, and I’ve heard my phone ping a couple of times since I hung up on him this morning. Maybe I am acting like a child but he really hurt me, and I am just not ready to deal with all of it right now.

  When I pull into Kyler’s driveway, his car isn’t here. I put it in park and pull my phone out. I take a deep breath and open my texts from him.

  K: I should’ve given you the opportunity to explain.

  K: I’m not going to apologize, if that’s what you’re waiting for.

  K: Carson, we need to talk.

  K: Are you okay? Where are you?

  (After I hung up on him)

  K: Real mature.

  K: So, that’s it, huh?

  K: Whatever.

  I roll my eyes. The last text was 15 minutes ago.

  Me: Look, I agree that we need to talk. I know that Landry is your daughter, but I love her like she is my own flesh and blood. I would like to discuss visitation. Let me know when a good time is for you and we’ll set up a meeting.

  I put my phone in my pocket and hop out of my pickup, heading for the front door, using my key to let myself in. The house is quiet, so either they aren’t back from New Orleans yet or they’re at work and school. It’ll make this quicker since no one is here.