Be My Warmth

by Shanade White

  A complete flip-side to everything expected. It filled Whitney with fluttering hope. Even though Aniyah would likely deny her moment of weakness later, Whitney knew better the reasons for the reactions her mother suffered.

  My mother… Sadness and happiness mingled. She had wanted this moment to come, more than anything else in the world. She didn’t realize how badly she craved it, until the words tumbled out Aniyah’s mouth.

  Oddly as well, she wanted Jack to know. Even odder, she wanted to tell Faith about it. Miles. Anja. Tia. Virtually anyone who meant something to her. Even that damn bitch of a manager, Alex, though their conversations had never exactly taken off.

  Because I want to share my happiness. Whitney wriggled in delight at the notion, feet bobbing on the bed. Her mother sent back a text at that moment.

  Whoa! That’s a huge horse! And that’s the handsome man, right? What a smile he has! ;-)

  Whitney chewed her lip. No mother, he’s mine. You can’t have him.

  Immensely cheered up, she sent two more texts – one to Jack and one to Faith.

  *****

  The chance came to talk with them later. Their activities through the day consisted of more horse riding. Blatant jealously emanated from Natalie when Whitney was given the honor of riding Graham Cracker during their training. Although Natalie one-upped her on the skill-based activities, when they practiced roping stationary targets, archery, and some further team building exercises – nothing compared to the fact that Graham Cracker simply refused to have anyone else near. He even snapped at Natalie, biting her hard on the sleeve when she tried to win the horse’s affection.

  No matter how much Natalie wheedled or cajoled, and she tried exceptionally hard, it didn’t happen. It infuriated Natalie that there was something her skills couldn’t compensate for.

  She kept her interactions with Whitney as cordial as possible, but Whitney knew Natalie planned to lash out in other ways. Perhaps back at work, perhaps with a snide comment.

  Or perhaps taking the fraternizing of Whitney and Jack to heart if they got too obvious about it.

  Faith, Anja and Miles, along with Tia and Gracie, made their dining table a habit, actively saving spots for each other at breakfast, lunch and dinner, except for when the instructors had other duties to attend to. In such a short time, they had developed a rapport with each other, which Whitney knew she would miss when the time came to leave. She had told both Jack and Faith during lunchtime about her mother’s impromptu confession, and both reacted with appropriate cheerfulness. Jack wanted to know more about her family. Faith seemed to understand on a level the internal conflict that happened – since people were never just black or white in their behaviors. They always lingered on a moral gray line, doing both bad and good things, sometimes being understanding, other times deliberately obtuse.

  It saddened Whitney a little that Faith didn’t want to talk about her background. She also knew that the younger woman needed time to get more comfortable and open. Perhaps others had never given her the chance before.

  And perhaps, Whitney might be the one to encourage her out of her shell, along with the beautiful vibe and atmosphere of their holiday.

  It’s almost surreal, how happy this place makes me, Whitney thought, as she dug into lasagna, tuning out the mock fight between Anja and Miles.

  “Do you think those two fancy each other?” Faith hissed to Whitney.

  Whitney shrugged. “If they got together, fairly certain their union would be in a state of constant war.”

  “I know. It would be brilliant.” She took a photo of Anja, who tried to force down a piece of broccoli into Mile’s throat. The commotion attracted a lot of laughter, even from Natalie, and Whitney banged her fork on the table, cheeks hurting from the insanity of it all.

  Faith then pointed at their company floor manager. “Didn’t Miles say he was interested in Alex, as well?”

  “Don’t remind him!” Whitney hissed.

  “The next activity,” Jack announced, holding his hands in the air for attention as they wrapped up their meals, “Is an interesting one. It’s personally one of my favorites that we do here on the ranch – and others that are similar to it.” He drew his breath, preparing for the next part of his speech.

  “It’s called the ‘confession’ game. It’s another bonding style game, where we gather in a circle, and take it in turns to confess. So, for example, I will say something about myself that I don’t like. Then the others in the circle will challenge it by trying to turn it into something positive. We sometimes do it with a positive statement being turned negative, but the idea is to build people up, not to put them down,” he grinned, prompting a roll of laughter in the hall. “We are, however, looking for serious players in this. You can admit something small or something big – so long as it’s not a recent crime you’ve committed, because then we’ll be morally obliged to arrest you. The point is to discover something about each other – and realize sometimes we’re not as different as we think we are.”

  Faith stiffened at the words, beads of sweat forming on her head. In her black shirt, ragged blue jeans and muddy boots, Faith looked far younger than her years.

  “Faith, it’s okay. You sit this out if you want.” Whitney placed a soothing hand on the dark-haired woman. Faith’s hand twitched to her lips, then fell down again to nestle in her lap.

  “N-no. I should… do this. I don’t get… involved enough.” She glanced at Whitney like a distressed animal, clenching hands into fists. Whitney spread her lips into a friendly smile, until Faith mirrored the gesture.

  “You do what you feel like, honey. You ain’t gotta make yourself feel bad for others.”

  Whitney gave her a quick, heartfelt hug, even as they all began moving, guided by Jack and the instructors to an unused room, with stacked chairs on the sides. The room’s walls were painted orange, giving the impression of sunlight.

  “Best to stand up,” Miles offered, walking by the other side of Faith, transferring some of his confidence into her by the touch of his palm. Whitney couldn’t help but notice Faith wasn’t the only one who appeared uncomfortable with the idea of admitting something they didn’t like to others. In fact, she suspected Natalie or Gracie in particular to make theirs up. Alex, though – that woman wouldn’t make anything up.

  Jack, Miles, Anja and Lamar stood inside their scattered circle. Faith and Tia flanked either side of Whitney. Next to Faith was Alex, hands folded in front of her chest, legs spaced apart like a gunslinger. Curving the circle from Alex was Natalie and Sandra, finishing up with Gracie, left of Tia.

  Such a small group of diverse personalities. Whitney chewed her lip, gaze flickering over Faith to see how nervous the girl was, before dancing to Jack, who reserved a secret, sexy smile exclusively for her.

  Memories of the night before encroached Whitney’s consciousness. She closed her eyes, bathing in the glow of it, remembering his smell, taste and touch, how effortlessly their bodies melded together. She shivered, growing moist at the idea of experiencing that feeling again. Of seeing that smile of his as he lay next to her.

  She shook herself out the daydream as Jack clapped his hands. “I’ll start, to make it easier. Lamar, Miles and Anja will respond, don’t the rest of you worry about trying to find a nice compliment for me. When we finish, we’ll go to Natalie. Is this alright?”

  A chorus of agreements piped up.

  “Excellent.” Jack flicked Miles on the forehead, causing him to exclaim in surprise. When the laughter subsided, Jack began. “I’ve always hated it about myself that I’ve been an odd duck in my family. I have immensely successful siblings, my parents expected me to follow the same line. But instead, growing bored with managing the shares my father owned, I fell to taking over my grandpa’s ranch. I still see disapproval in my father’s eyes, like I did every day when I returned home with low grades, because there were things I preferred to do other than study. Sometimes I wish I could have been more like my other brothers, with a hea
d for business. But I’m not. I have instead, been an immense source of disappointment for him and my brothers. They see me as a frivolous tearaway, not fit to hold the family name.”

  Awkward silence fell over the room. Natalie looked stricken, with an unfathomable expression Whitney had never seen in the executive before.

  “You did what your heart wanted to do,” Miles said, breaking the cold silence, with his smile and lilted accent. “Your brothers, they did what their father wanted them to do. You. You did what you loved to do. You made your own choice. And it has made you happy. This I see.”

  At that moment, Whitney felt a rush of love for Miles for his kind words. She saw, even though Jack kept up a genial smile, a twinge of relief in the depths of his eyes. There were things Whitney didn’t know about Jack, things she wanted to get to learn more about – and those words enabled her to glimpse something private, personal. Beautiful.

  “There is one person I’m sure who loves you for your choice to stay with the ranch, regardless of all the foreigners you recruit,” Anja said with a smirk, “And that’s your grandpa. This was his home, and now it’s yours. You’re not a fish out of water, as long as you’re here.”

  “You guys,” Jack said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. “What did I do to deserve you, eh?”

  Lamar, hands clasped behind his back, finished with, “It’s not a question about what you deserve. It’s a question of what you choose to share. You love this place. It shows. And you’ve made it something for others around the world to love.”

  “This is some deep shit,” Tia hissed to the side of Whitney. She was, however, grinning like an idiot. The others in the circle held similar expressions. Natalie still possessed the unreadable look. Whitney wondered what was going through her head.

  “Okay, enough of me. Let’s start with Natalie. Make it as big or as small as you like.”

  Natalie, usually larger than life, looked suddenly small, like a mouse. The moment passed in the blink of an eye – she straightened up, collecting her sense of dignity and authority.

  “What was troubling you, Natalie?” Whitney said, before she could stop herself.

  “What?” Natalie glowered, instantly defensive.

  “You looked… I dunno. Sad. Wondered what was going through your mind.”

  Natalie bore her lips in a snarl, retracting her teeth when she saw everyone’s attention on her. Her shoulder rose up a bit, making part of her neck disappear, like a tortoise. “It wasn’t anything big. It…” her lips twisted. “Alright. Something I don’t like about myself. I suppose I don’t like how I have to be a perfectionist at everything. If something is less than perfect, I get really agitated. This can be cleaning at home. Work getting done on time. Doing well at the shooting range. Scoring high on my tests. I have to… be better than everyone else. I only feel good when I can visibly see I’m doing better than another person. And it eats me up when someone else can do something I can’t.” Her gaze lingered between Jack and Whitney, leaving no doubt as to what was going through the executive’s mind.

  Whitney, and Jack. Whitney, and Graham Cracker. Whitney, the woman who could barely hold a bow straight, charming two impossible things with nothing else but her personality, which didn’t require muscle memory or skill.

  “Wow,” Whitney whispered, audible to Faith and Tia. “Okay.”

  Jack was nodding in approval. “That’s what we’re looking for. Truth. Well done, Natalie. So. What do you lot have to say?”

  “I think that’s stupid,” Alex said. Gracie immediately made a strangled sounding gurgle.

  The stern, upfront Latina focused eyes on Natalie. “It’s stupid because if you constantly have to be better than everyone else, then you won’t be able to value or appreciate their worth. You’ll be too busy trying to drag them down, rather than make them shine. It’s stupid as well because it makes you sound like you think you’re worthless, and can only be worth something when you win. That’s not true. You can be worth something. And you don’t need to prove it to other people that you are worthy. You’re talented as fuck. Don’t piss that talent away by making people hate you for it. Make them love you for it.”

  Again, Alex’s stark clarity bludgeoned people into a state of silence. Natalie seemed unsure of what to make of it. There was truth in those words, harsh as they came. A deep truth. Faith was next.

  “I…” Faith swallowed, her legs trembling. Whitney clutched her by one shoulder. It gave her enough strength to continue. “I think… in some cases, being a perfectionist is good. It means you will always do your best. It makes you stand out.”

  Whitney sensed Faith didn’t plan to add any more, so she launched into hers. “Actually I agree with Alex. Also got some more to add. Jealously will turn you bitter and ugly, and waste the talent you have. If you let jealously, envy overtake you, then it doesn’t matter how brilliant you are at whatever you do. You’ll never be happy, ‘cause there’s always someone better. Use your talent for good. Use it to inspire others.”

  Tia and Gracie went through the same vein, urging Natalie to use her budding skills for something useful, rather than destructive. At the end, Natalie actually looked as if she was about to cry.

  “Are you alright?” Jack said, spotting the signs.

  The executive’s bottom lip trembled. “I don’t like admitting that. And it’s stranger to hear these kinds of words from people I’m not always… great to.”

  “It’s good you did,” Jack answered. He smiled at her. After a moment, she stretched her lips into an unconvincing smile back. Her eyes shifted to Whitney. Guilty eyes.

  Sandra was next. The blonde, doe-eyed woman touched her hair in a nervous gesture. “I don’t like that I feel… stupid. Dumb blonde jokes aside, there’s a lot of weird stuff I don’t know. And not knowing about it makes me angry, or feel like an idiot.”

  A wave of compliments emerged from the circle, one by one, all mostly along the lines that it was okay to not know everything, and that she had a bubbly personality to make up for it. Personally, Whitney thought Sandra confessing about her need to never be alone would have been more interesting. The “dumb blonde” act was more of a plea for attention. Sandra wasn’t stupid. She just didn’t want to admit anything deep. Which was also why Whitney felt surprised with Natalie. Because the executive, obsessed with a fastidious, gleaming reputation, actually confessed something ugly. Real.

  Sandra’s problem, Whitney felt, lay more in the fact she was too dependent on other people to live.

  Next came Gracie. “I don’t like that I can be a bad loser,” Gracie said. “If I think I’m doing badly at something, I give up. Ruin it for others. Get moody and bitchy if people confront me ‘bout it. Don’t like being humiliated, I guess. Even to the point of biting at people who are trying to help.”

  Whitney saw this echoing the behavior of Gracie in the teamwork exercises the day before. She also saw it in how quick Gracie was to lash out with her tongue, especially when someone exposed something she didn’t like, or pointed out if she was performing badly at something. The compliments that stemmed from this focused more on saying it was okay to be bad at something, that people learned from their errors to do better.

  Tia ran fingers through her dreadlocks. “I don’t like… that I don’t really care so much about other people. Like, uh, a lot of the time I just focus on myself and what I’m doing. And I don’t consider what other people are doing. So it can be months between when I contact my mom and dad. My last boyfriend left because he thought I was cold-hearted. Most of my former friends have lost contact. And outside of work, I’m alone. By choice. I want to care. I just can’t.”

  This one surprised Whitney. She thought of Tia as quite a friendly, open person, and to have this sort of confession made her examine the woman in a slightly different light. Yes, she could be aloof. Yes, she was annoying to message, as she took a while to respond. But did that mean she didn’t care?

  The compliments came out more scattered, with o
nly Gracie and Alex being strong and forthright. Whitney’s own boosting felt generic, but she didn’t know Tia enough to believe such damming words.

  “I don’t like…” Whitney took a deep breath, closing her eyes to rein in her drifting thoughts, “That I never chased my own dreams. Spent my whole life trying to please my ma and da, ‘cos I knew on a level that they didn’t intend to have me, though they would be quick to reassure otherwise. Ma rarely had the time for me, neither did Da. And I made it something of mine to do everything I could to make her happy. So I dropped Uni, I stayed with Ma, and every penny I earn goes to Ma and Da so they can pay the rent, and look after a now ailing grandma. Spent so long trying to make their dreams, I forgot mine. If I ever had them. Sometimes… I feel bitter, anger for it. Wish I wasn’t such a sucker. Wish I could tell them to go screw themselves, I’m done looking after them. Wish I could just leave.”

  Jack’s mouth formed an o of surprise.

  “Whitney!” Tia exclaimed.

  “I-I think,” Faith said, comically squeezing her eyes shut so she couldn’t see everyone staring at her, “T-the years you spent trying to make your mother happy made you kind. It made you care, even i-if sometimes that caring exhausts you. M-maybe you get angry, but you are willing to swallow that anger up to help someone else, because you know what you do is right.”

  Now it was Whitney’s turn to be utterly astonished. “Oh, you precious, precious thing! C’here.” She grabbed the stammering girl in a crushing hug, making Gracie and Anja cheer. Miles cupped his palms together and whooped.

  “She’s right,” Alex agreed, lips curved in a half-smile. “The fact you care is what makes you a brilliant worker and a likable person. Any idiot can see you love your mother and father, look at what you sacrificed for them. That sacrifice will be rewarded. Even if you don’t always see that it will. Your efforts will mean something.”

  “Hear, hear,” Gracie said.

  Gazes turned to Natalie. “I…” Natalie’s voice escaped as a hiss. “I want to hate you for it. You’re a good person, and I see it. And it makes me feel… rotten. Part of me wants to crush you, because I believe everyone is rotten on the inside. The other part… wants to be you. To understand what it is you have that I don’t. I think you’re a better person than I could ever be.”