Be My Warmth

by Shanade White

  Goddamn Natalie. This confession task is hitting like a damn brick. “Jesus Christ,” Whitney said. “You being so candid I don’t know what to do with it.”

  Natalie looked away, deeply uncomfortable.

  “Thank you, Natalie. If you want a hug, I’m game for it.”

  The executive twitched lips in a sad smile. Jack winked at Whitney, impressed. Miles also held thumbs up, with Anja scowling disapprovingly at him.

  Next was Faith. Whitney held her breath, waiting for the dark-haired woman to speak. Everyone else waited as well. To their credit, no one gave off the impression of irritation and impatience, whilst giving Faith the time to wrestle with her voice. “I… dislike that I am so… shy. I… get nervous of… confrontations. I… didn’t.” She halted, face crimson red. “Didn’t have a great time… g-growing up. I l-learned to be afraid. Not speak. Hide. Feel… useless. Always… feel like something stuck in my throat.” The words were forced out one by one. Whitney saw the immense effort it took, and as she was still clinging to Faith, decided to use their proximity to keep the embrace tight. “I, um, found it easier. To stay quiet. To shrink in a corner. Less chance of b-being targeted. But the s-shyness is now… crippling.”

  Faith finally fell silent. Whitney processed what had just been said.

  “That,” Alex declared, “Is bravery. It annoys the absolute shit out of me that you act like this, but obviously you have a reason for being as you are. So the fact that you’ve just said all that proves that whatever happened to you – it doesn’t make you who you are. You made the choice to speak out against it.”

  Faith started crying, and buried her head in Whitney’s chest. “Ssh, it’s okay,” Whitney soothed. “Alex is right, honey. You always have a choice about what happens. Maybe you didn’t back then, but you do now. You can choose to speak. You can choose to accept friendship. And we certainly don’t think you useless.”

  The younger woman shook harder, starting to leave a conspicuous damp patch on Whitney’s blouse. Everyone else in the circle went along the same lines, focusing on her decision to challenge that block of silence that clamped on her voice. Whitney refused to let go of the woman, feeling protective, like a sister.

  Last to speak was Alex.

  “I don’t like sometimes that I hate people. I really, genuinely hate people, and think the whole world would be better off if humanity just died. I see so many atrocities, so many ridiculous, fucked up things that we do. How racist we are to each other, how cruel we are to each other. Whenever I see particularly vile examples, I would quite happily, if I knew I could get away with it, murder the person who committed those crimes and do it with pleasure. I honestly prefer animals. Cats and dogs are much simpler and unconditional in their emotions. More pure.”

  This left a silence that made Whitney think of a black hole. It also made her laugh – and she realized Miles and Jack was laughing with her.

  “What’s so funny?” Natalie said, folding her arms. “Because that sounded psychopathic.”

  “I think it’s funny she says that, cause if anything, I think she cares about humans even more than the rest of us does,” Whitney said, grinning. “So the humans she perceives as good – she’ll protect fiercely, like a dog. And she ain’t never gonna lie to you. She will tell you exactly what she thinks. That in itself is a kindness, ‘cause you never gonna doubt her opinion. Cause it truth.”

  Whitney then gave a little shrug. “She would stab you in the face, and not behind your back.”

  “Ahh…” Gracie said. “I geddit. She one of them nice bitches.”

  “That is c-confusing,” Faith admitted. “But I also get it. Alex cares for you by telling it to you straight. P-probably better in the long run to hear it, though not always great for the short term moments.” Her voice was slightly muffled by Whitney’s chest, so she repeated it again at Jack’s request.

  Natalie still looked bewildered. “Not quite sure I agree with you… but that’s also because I don’t like Alex to begin with. I always find her too… much like a blunt hammer. But you know.” She chewed on her lip for a few seconds, “I also can see what you mean, Whitney, about her stabbing you in the face. That quality in itself is… unusual. Not for those who get easily offended. But it is… raw. Pure. You know she hates you, rather than guessing if she does or not.”

  “That almost sounds like a compliment, Nat!” Alex exclaimed.

  “I try,” Natalie said wryly.

  When everyone had finished their compliments of Alex, Jack whistled, clapping his hands in enthusiasm. “Wow! Just, wow! You guys! That was some confessions! I absolutely loved hearing them. This is what makes this activity my favorite. If people are willing to involve themselves in it, we find out things, true things that make us understand each other better. Because it’s not the positive things that show the measure of someone. It’s their willingness to admit to the things they don’t like. I think it’s beautiful.”

  “It is,” Alex said. “I may hate you all, but it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate honesty. I think honesty, along of course with animals, is what deserves respect. Not malicious words – that isn’t honest, that’s a cover up in itself. But honesty about yourself.”

  “Indeed!” Jack beamed.

  “I like you, lady,” Miles said. “You and me, we should perhaps have talk soon.”

  “Down, boy,” Whitney murmured.

  Alex examined him appraisingly. “Perhaps.”

  They wrapped up the session shortly afterwards, devolving into smaller groups to chat. When the time came, Whitney walked with Faith, not letting go of her hand. Jack joined the two of them as they left, into the dark night.

  “I must say,” Jack said. “Everyone surprised me with their confessions. A lot of the former groups I’ve had will say something a little more generic about what they don’t like about themselves. That Natalie and Alex must be quite a riot at your workplace.”

  “Oh, they are. It’s like a circus.” Whitney absently started stroking Faith’s hair, continuing when the younger woman didn’t object. “Work can be stressful, tiring, and hard to juggle home life around, but the personalities certainly don’t make it boring. Though I’ve found out more about people’s inner thoughts than virtually the whole time I’ve been working with the Agency.”

  “That’s not as unusual as you may think,” Jack said. “People often are unwilling to share things with each other, as they always want to present their best side.”

  “T-thank you, by the way.” The diminutive Faith clasped Whitney’s hand tight. “I never would have imagined… being able to say that. And you… you’re a good person. You know that, right?”

  Whitney sighed. “People say it, but I don’t believe it, unfortunately. But thank you for thinking it.”

  “Nonsense!” Jack protested, indignant. “I can see it. My damn horse sees it. You know, the one that hates everyone in the world except you and me? He virtually went skipping to you the second you were spotted walking along the fields. There’s something about you, Whitney Robinson. And your colleagues are in full agreement on it.”

  “Y-you love her,” Faith said.

  Jack gaped at her, speechless. “I…!” Then he stopped.

  “Oh? You gonna say something?” Several hundred butterflies were now flitting in Whitney’s stomach at Faith’s out of the blue statement. She tried covering it up by acting flippant. “Didn’t think you get so tongue-tied.”

  Faith placed a palm on Whitney’s stomach. “I s-see it. We may be only a few days in, but Jack, you really are falling for her.” Faith squeezed Whitney’s hand. “A-and I wanted to say that because I actually think you two would be good for each other. There.”

  “Now who is pulling an Alex…?”

  For once, Faith didn’t flush. She even winked.

  “I confess, I wanted to just completely deny that and shrug it off as absurd.” Jack stroked his beard, blue eyes crinkling. “But I don’t know. I don’t know if it could be called ‘love.’
Let’s just say I am quite attracted to Whitney and I wouldn’t mind seeing a lot more of her. And I don’t want to say that it’s love because that’s a scary word that tends to send people running.”

  The echo of the words they had shared last night brought a smile to both their lips.

  “Suppose I can say the same. Certainly wouldn’t mind seeing more of you, mister Jack Brook.”

  “You two make googly eyes at each other. All the time. Have you had sex yet?”

  “Faith!” Jack and Whitney shouted at the same time.

  When Whitney dropped Faith off at her cabin, they gave each other one last hug, before she disappeared into the heat of her home.

  “There’s no escaping that girl’s attention. So does this mean we can be a little more obvious and public about the googly eyes, now?” Jack swiftly kissed Whitney on the cheek.

  “Let’s not make Natalie even more jealous of me than she is,” Whitney giggled. They spotted the others, slowly wending their ways back to their cabins for the night.

  Whitney followed Jack straight back to his cabin. In the spare moments she did have, she thought about the evening, and the lightning fast pace of the relationship between her and Jack. Then there was her mother’s unexpected call, and the stark truths that her colleagues admitted to.

  This had been a day of confessions, all around. In a way, it felt even more exhausting than physical labor. Whitney keenly noticed her growing attraction to everyone. People she doubted, seen in a new light. Thoughts she never considered, now out in the open. Confessions she never expected, from the mouths of those who kept their minds closed.

  Last, and the most unexpected, wonderful thing of all – the chance to lie in the arms of someone she loved.

  Who would have thought so much could come out of a simple plan to promote a clothing range?

  Chapter 9

  Time whirred. The week tumbled together, like paints mixing. Every day, Whitney consolidated her friendships a little further. She helped Faith with her photography. Natalie, despite her bitchy attitude, offered slivers of advice on the things she did best, albeit not as graciously as it could have been. She still also adopted the snide mannerisms Whitney had grown so used to. Gracie and Tia treated her a little bit kinder, as did Sandra. They knew from the times before what sort of troubles they gave. Sandra did get herself moderately drunk one evening, but both Whitney and Natalie helped haul the blonde back into her cabin to sober up. Mostly, people were too exhausted from the horse riding and strenuous activities to really cause trouble.

  People, of course, didn’t suddenly change their tunes. Even with their confessions, they still played within their characters. Gracie struggled with failure. Tia’s frustrations with her friends built up like a thundercloud over her head. Alex’s bluntness still came off as cruel, though at least this time she didn’t stir the cauldron so hard it over-boiled. If anything, the floor manager had mellowed since their last few holiday debacles.

  Faith could speak more and more like a normal human being, though she still often struggled to talk in the presence of others, and suffered from fast embarrassment.

  But it was something. Whitney liked them all more. Her mother actually took the initiative to call Whitney the following two days after the Confession game, though Whitney sensed Aniyah starting to retract into her old patterns.

  Miles and Anja persisted in their cultural warfare with one another, almost jostling for Whitney and Faith’s affections. Whether Miles was actively pursuing a bit of Alex on the side, Whitney didn’t dare ask.

  And, between the horse riding, trail hikes, lassoing, grooming, archery, and stable mucking – Jack and Whitney constantly found time and excuses to be with each other. Every night and morning, they slept, bodies wrapped together, memories of passion trapped in their skin. Intimate stolen moments between activities kept them longing for more. Whitney knew, without a shadow of doubt in her mind, that she was falling hard and fast for Jack. She couldn’t get enough of him. He couldn’t get enough of her.

  It was why, on their last day together, she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, stomach swirling in a peculiar melancholy. Jack slumbered beside her. The clock on his mantelpiece displayed the time: 5.37. A.M.

  She wanted, more than anything else, for this holiday to last forever. She didn’t desire returning home to the crummy apartment, the long working hours that ground down her bones, without the prospect of someone by her side to love. Because yes, she could see herself spending more time with this man. She could see a future, unfolding before her like a flower blooming its petals.

  A dream she had once forgotten existed.

  She also knew that her feelings were likely heightened by the whole experience. She knew that something like this just was too good to be true. It wouldn’t last, no matter how badly she wished for it.

  Duty called. Her mother needed her. Her family waited for her. She had a stable job, the ability to pay rent, and a funky, if dysfunctional family. Jack, truly a blessing on her life – would lose the feeling. This was a fling. Flings were exciting, and passionate, and they could forget everything about their lives and just exist in the moment together – but they couldn’t stay away from their lives forever.

  Reality always hit in the end.

  Her heart squeezed painfully as she examined Jack. How handsome he is. I wish… I wish this could be real. So damn badly.

  As if sensing her thoughts, his eyes flickered open, instantly latching onto hers. Then he yawned. “Good morning, beautiful.”

  “Hey.”

  He scooted closer and gave her a soft, dry kiss on the cheek. “You don’t look so sleepy. Mmm. What’s up?”

  “Don’t worry ‘bout it. Let’s just cuddle.”

  “Mmm…” He closed his eyes, cradling Whitney. She watched him, suppressing the sadness as best as possible. Presently, Jack cracked his eyelids open again.

  “You’re sad, aren’t you? Because you’re going today.”

  Whitney shivered, before bobbing her head in confirmation. “Yes.”

  “Don’t be sad.” He stroked her hair, nuzzling into her neck. “I mean, I’m sad too. But I rather I wore the upside down smile than you.”

  “Didn’t read all the books you lent me. Didn’t have enough time here.” She scratched his chin, watching him tilt it up like a contented kitten. “Whole experience has been like a dream come true. Don’t want to go back home. Back to the smog and the gloomy office.”

  “Then don’t.” Jack sat upright, eyes focused. “Why don’t you stay here?”

  “What?” The despair inside Whitney halted, voices falling silent.

  “Well, why not?” A sliver of desperation shone in Jack’s eyes. “Like, sure. Okay, this is moving fast. Yeah, people would see it as a fling or whatever they want to see it as. But it feels right, Whitney. I feel… like I’ve stumbled onto something special. I don’t know what drew me to you at first, but there’s something you have that is…” he hesitated. “There’s something wonderful there. And it shouldn’t be choked out of you. I think you’re just realizing yourself… what you mean to others. I can see it poking out. Sort of like a tortoise out of its shell. And I don’t want you to go.”

  “Don’t want to go either,” Whitney murmured, heart throbbing painfully. “But I have to. This has been amazing. Absolutely amazing. Loved every moment I’ve had with you. Loved learning new things, seeing new things, speaking to the loons you got running your camp. Love that scary horse of yours. But I gotta look after my family, yunno? I can’t do it here. Nor can I just… what? Throw away my career? I built myself up in that job, Jack. I made something of myself. Gotta do right by my family.”

  “Well. This is a big ranch. It’s not a city office career, but if you wanted, you could work here. We don’t have a whole lot of staff here, there’s positions available, though they’re not glamorous ones. You could move into one of the guest cabins for the staff. Hell, you could move your whole family here. They could do whatever – cooki
ng, grooming… and they get to benefit from a change of scenery. That grandma of yours – the fresh air will do her good.”

  “You… you would seriously consider all that?” Tears thumped against Whitney’s eyes. “Oh…”

  “Ssh. It’s okay.” Jack embraced her in the bed, and she let a few tears fall, overwhelmed by the intensity of the feeling.

  “This kindness, this ain’t something I deserve,” Whitney whispered, wiping at her eyes. “Stupidly happy you said all that…”

  Jack kissed her several times on the forehead, arresting her light brown eyes with ocean blue ones. “Of course you deserve it. I mean it, Whitney. I’ve been thinking – crazy thoughts, maybe, but I’ve been having it bounce around my skull what to do with you. What to offer you – because I don’t want you to go. You’ve just come into my life – don’t leave it so soon.” The pleading note in his voice matched the tune in her heart. “Graham Cracker would be so sad to see you go! I can’t imagine him letting anyone else on his back.”

  “Jack. I can’t leave everything behind. I can’t ask my family to leave everything behind for a man I’ve known a week. Can you imagine the reaction when I tell Ma? ‘Hey, by the way, I fell in love, and I’m gonna move to North Dakota to the middle of nowhere and you can come too.’ She won’t give up her job. Da has a lot of friends in the area. The kids are going to school, they got their friends. Imagine it a good two-three hours to a nearby school here for them if they come. Honestly, if it were just me, then yes. But I can’t leave them behind. As much… as much as I want this.”

  A glint of pain showed in Jack’s eyes. The hope that had been in there slowly dissolved. Watching that hope die made Whitney struggle to breathe. She knew she was doing the right thing. This was, after all, what her whole life revolved around. It was her purpose for living.