Entangled

by Annie Brewer

  “I was.” I force out. Memories of our first date, our rock climbing date, our costume party at the bar, our first real kiss, the night he told me about his best friend, the guilt he carried, the pain, all of it. I smile, thinking about that same night I gave him a piece of myself I refused to give anyone else. He was so gentle, yet firm. The next morning he made me breakfast in bed, no one had ever done that. A tear slides down my cheek, onto her shoulder. The trip to New York. It all comes back to me, full force. “I’m sorry Amanda.” I whisper. She pulls back to look at me, sincerity in her eyes.

  “Oh honey, don’t say that. I hate to see you like this.” I wipe my face, a little relieved to get some time off.

  “Do you mind if I leave now?” I feel guilty asking but I just want to be alone.

  “No, not at all. We got you covered. You just go home for some R&R. If you need anything though, please call me.” I nod and hug her again.

  “Thank you for not firing me.” She scoffs as if the thought was absurd.

  “I want you back. You’re a great worker.” She’s a great boss, so it helps. I know where I need to go…

  Spring in Colorado is so beautiful. The flowers bloom colorfully, filling the air with their exquisite odors. It’s warm, perfect weather for visiting my mother’s grave. I bring a dozen white roses and set them on her headstone.

  “Hey mom.” I sit down on the ground and cross my legs. “I’ve been a terrible daughter, not visiting you here like I should. Although, you seem to come into my dreams instead.” I look around, feeling alone. “I miss you.” I try not to think of her crumpled body in the ground underneath me. I sit quietly, enjoying the silence. “Mom, I really need you. I don’t know what to do. Life has gotten so fucked up and I’m not handling it well.” Tears fall from my eyes. “Mom, I need you, so bad.” I let out a shaky breath and rock back and forth on my knees. “I met someone special. He was perfect for me. We were great together. And I love him…but I lost him and now I’m so lost and alone. And broken. Why does it hurt so much?” I can’t stop the tears now. Maybe this is what I needed, time to grieve for all I’ve lost, my mother, my father, Noah, Jim’s illness. It’s too much for one person to bear.

  I lean against my mother’s tombstone, hugging my legs to my chest. I look around me at the other people that lost their lives, wondering if they had loved ones left behind. I look up at the clear blue sky thinking if my mom were up there, maybe she could hear me. I want to yell, blame my mother for leaving me, leaving my father, breaking up our once normal family but I just don’t have it in me. It’s not her fault she was hit by a semi. She didn’t ask for her life to be cut short.

  Maybe Noah…and Andi were right. Maybe I do need therapy. I can’t seem to handle it myself. Maybe it would help me heal so I can move on.

  I stand up and brush the back of my pants, ready to leave. “I love you mom. I’m going to make things right. I don’t know how, but I will. It’s going to be okay.” I run my hand over the top of the statue with one last look. As I make my through the cemetery, I stop. A tombstone catches my eye, of a little girl of only four years. It reads: ‘Gone, But Never Forgotten’. I bow my head, close my eyes and silently say a prayer for the family who lost this little girl, hoping they’ve found peace and healing. I know I need both too. “Well, you’re in a much better place. I believe there is another life after this one. I’m sure you’re having a great time, no more pain or anger or sadness, just happiness and love. I just pray for those you left behind. They’re the ones needing guidance to move on.” Before leaving, I make a last minute decision and walk back to my mother’s grave, taking a rose from the bouquet. “You won’t mind sharing with a little girl.” I smile because I feel as if I’ve lost my mind talking to a couple of headstones, but it helps me believe I’m not alone. I’m doing this for the little girl because hers is bare, with no flowers as if she never has visitors. It brings me a sense of comfort thinking of someone else besides myself. Besides, I know my mother would do the same thing. I walk back to Hannah’s grave and set the rose on top. “Well,” I start, uncertain of any words to make this situation better, “rest in peace. I hope it’s a pleasant place, wherever you are. If you happen to see my mom, tell her I love her.” I walk away, feeling a little lighter.

  Chapter 65

  Noah

  “What’s this?” I stare at a notebook Sandy retrieved from Lex’s room, I assume.

  “Open it.” She sits down beside me. I open what looks to be a journal of Lex’s private thoughts. My breath catches in my throat as I stumble across pictures of us in middle school and high school. Pictures of her, Spencer and me, mementos of our friendship. Each page is filled with her innermost feelings and memories, good, bad, happy, sad. When I pissed her off, she wrote it down. When I scared her, or made her scared for me, she kept a record of it. Pages filled with my worst moments and god was I a bastard.

  “I found this when I went through her things a year after the accident. I almost threw it away. But something told me to keep it, that it may be needed someday. And then I looked through it and realized that it is important and if by some chance I ran into you, you might need it.” Years of memories with my best friend flood my brain, almost overwhelming me. I almost close it when I see a passage from the year she died.

  “That’s the page you need to read, Noah. It might help you, heal you and help you move on.” I look up and see Sandy’s stricken face. I want to comfort her, the woman who lost her daughter. I want to take her pain away because as much pain as I bear, it’s nothing compared to hers. “Lord knows it’s helped me.” She adds. I swallow my tongue and read to myself, the words that could change things.

  Dear Journal,

  This year we finally get to leave behind this chapter in our lives and start a new one. Though I can’t complain too much about this chapter. It’s brought my two best friends into my life. Spencer and Noah have been the two most important people and I’m so excited to see where life takes us. But unlike most people, I’m not scared of what happens from here. I have the two best sidekicks a girl could ask for.

  People joke about Noah and I getting married in the future and as awesome as that would be, I know he’s going to do great things in his life. He’s going to change the world, or change someone else’s. I can’t wait to witness his greatness. He thinks he’s a bad person and afraid he’ll be like his father. But let me say, Noah is nothing like his father. He never could be, his heart is too good for that, he just doesn’t show it. I pray that no matter where life takes us, he stays true to himself and never loses hope. He deserves happiness more than anyone I know. I need him to believe in himself. He’s my best friend. I want him to be okay, always. We’re not guaranteed tomorrow or next week, and years from now, I can’t say where I’ll be. In case we end up on different paths, (praying that doesn’t happen), I want to always remember him, his good side, bad side and everything in between. He’s the best. And just because his father is a dick, doesn’t mean he will be one. I will make sure he never turns out like him, which is why we’re moving in the next week. I can’t wait! Oh shit, I have to stop, Noah just got here. Anyway, moral of this entry is…Noah deserves happiness in his life-always. I love him, my best friend.

  Always, Lex (Never lose hope)

  I stare at that last sentence, repeating it over and over again like a mantra. A single tear runs down my cheek but I’m kind of paralyzed in place to wipe it away. This girl always manages to save me, even when she’s not here. I finally close the notebook, laying my hands on top and gaze at the cover. It’s decorated in stickers, quotes and pictures of us. All these years I never knew she had this. In a way, it’s more valuable now. I really feel I was meant to get a glimpse into her thoughts. It gave me an insight into how bad things were at home and how my behavior effected the people I cared about.

  I take a deep breath and sit in silence, replaying bits and pieces of my broken life. I really need to fix it, repair it, if it’s not too late. I just don’t know wh
at’s left of it. “Sandy?” I was so consumed by the notebook, I never heard her leave the kitchen.

  “So what did you learn?” She walks in, coffee in hand.

  “Thank you for showing me this. I still don’t know what to make of it but it’s a start. I got to see all the sides of myself that Lex did.”

  “And she loved even the bad side. Noah, she’s trying to tell you that you have good qualities, even if you can’t see them.” She shifts in her seat so she’s facing me. Her eyes are kind, sincere and her forehead is creased with concern. I don’t know how this woman stayed so strong. I look away, feeling the stubborn tears sting my eyes. God, I miss my best friend. “Noah,” she leans forward, resting her arms on her knees, lightly patting my hand, for my attention. I meet her gaze. I can see how all this stress affected her body. Well, her face. She’s still a pretty lady, but with wrinkles under her eyes. “What do you want?”

  “What do you mean?” I manage to ask, through my confusion.

  “Do you want happiness?” I just nod, unable to speak. “Then you need to let go. Let go of your mistakes, let go of the pain, let go of the regret. Just let. It. Go.”

  I choke back the tears. Her expression is firm but tender. She’s struggling to hold herself together and here I am crying like a douche bag. “It hurts so much.”

  “Noah, it’s always going to hurt. Losing someone close is not easy, trust me. It doesn’t matter how many years go by, that pain in your heart is never fully gone.” She takes a deep breath and exhales, slowly. “But it will get easier with time. You have to have patience and be grateful for the time you did get with them.” She takes the notebook and holds it up. “I want you to take this. I want you…when you’re struggling with doubts, self-worth, whatever it may be, open this and read Lex’s words. Remember who you are and who you can be.”

  I gape at her in surprise, “You’re giving me this?” She takes my hand and wraps my fingers around it. “You need it more than I do. Lex would want you to have it. You need to move on.” I tighten my hold, closing my eyes for strength.

  When I reopen them, I smile with gratitude and appreciation. Maybe I can be happy. Maybe I can finally be free of the guilt and sorrow I’ve felt for so long. It won’t happen overnight and I can deal with that. But having a piece of Lex, of her memories with me will allow me to finally heal. “Thank you, Sandy. You’ve no idea how grateful I am…for everything.” I hold the journal close to my chest. My emotions run rampant but for the first time in a long time, I feel like everything is going to be okay. Now all I need is to figure out what to do about Maddy. Without her, my life is empty.

  “Call if you need anything. No matter what you do in life, you’ll be great. Maybe you should think about that when it comes to relationships as well. If you love this girl, you shouldn’t let your fears run you off. Risks are worth taking sometimes.” We both stand up and hug each other. She pats my back, comfortingly. It’s almost as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Can I be good enough for Maddy?

  Chapter 66

  Maddy

  As a little girl, I always wondered what it would be like to sit on the porch swing with my parents, enjoying the sunshine and peace as my father would read the paper and my mother would sew or knit. There’s something calming about the back and forth motion while the breeze whips through your hair or the sun warms your face.

  I sit sideways with my feet up on the seat while my arms wrap around my legs, lost in thought. Almost a year ago, I met Noah, made a friend, fell in love and then lost him.

  “Thought I’d find you here.” Derrick startles me from behind. I scoot over, sitting the right way with my feet dangling over the edge. He plops down.

  “Didn’t know you were looking for me.”

  “Andi is worried about you.”

  “She has other concerns right now.” The swing continues its rocking so I raise my legs, crossing them under me.

  “Have you heard from him?” I shake my head. He looks sad. I look away, blinking back the tears. “Why did I let myself fall for him?” I lean my head on his shoulder. He lays his hand over mine on my lap. I try to push back the image of his beautiful smile that always stopped my heart.

  “I’m sorry Maddy. I wish I knew the right words to say. Noah really loves you, he just has a lot to deal with. He didn’t want to bring you down with his past.”

  “Derrick, go inside. I need to speak with Maddy.” Linda approaches us. He looks at me and I smile. I can see his hesitation but then he pushes himself off the swing and Linda takes his spot. She looks worn down, her eyes are tired and without makeup on, she looks older. “How are you?”

  With a shrug and a sigh, I lean back, gazing at the sky. “I went to my mother’s grave a couple days ago.”

  “Really? By yourself?”

  “Yeah, it was better that I went alone. I cried, a lot. But I felt better too, getting it all out. Carrying all this pain around really makes me feel like I’m sinking lower until I’m practically drowning.”

  “You can’t hold it all in, Maddy. It’s not healthy. You’ve got too much that you’re trying to bury. You’re so strong, always wanting to be everyone’s rock. But you can only handle so much. Just let it go.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder. I lean into her, cocooned in her warmth. I don’t cry, I only ask for strength, for understanding, for healing and for peace. I ask that Andi’s family get through this difficult time, I ask that Noah gets the answers he’s searching for and that he’s okay.

  “I wish Noah would talk to me. Why won’t he let me help him or at least let me go through this with him? I don’t care that he wrote me a letter telling me to move on and that I’m better off without him. I’m not better off without him, I’m better with him. I love him and to imagine a life without him…I can’t. I can’t think about it, I won’t. I need him like I need to breathe. It hurts, Linda. We deserve to have a happy ending; we deserve a chance at love and happiness after the lives we’ve lived.” Tears streak down my cheeks, tears of loss, and frustration…because I don’t know what to do. He won’t answer my texts or calls. My heart aches for him; my body yearns for his touch.

  I notice Linda is quiet, not giving advice or comments, like she normally does and that’s frustrating too. I glance at her and see she’s biting her lower lip nervously. “Linda.”

  “I’m sorry Maddy. I talked to him…to Noah.”

  “You did? When?” Why should I be surprised? She’s his aunt; of course they should still talk. She looks away and I wonder if she’s hiding something from me.

  “Before he left. He came to me for advice, so I gave it to him.” Her hands clasped in front of her.

  “And then he left.” I finished for her, feeling irritated.

  “Yes, and then he left. I’m sorry Maddy.” Too upset to respond, I say nothing. “You have to know he loves you. He left because he loves you and believes you deserve better.”

  “I’ll be the judge of what I do and don’t deserve. If he loved me, he’d fight for me, for us regardless of his fears. He would have talked to me about it and we could’ve worked together. A coward leaves when shit gets tough.” Anger keeps the tears at bay. I don’t want to cry anymore.

  “You both have been through more than most people your age. He was hurting, he didn’t want to leave. But right now he needs to face his past. I don’t know when or if he’ll come back. But whatever he decides, I’m supporting him because he’s my nephew and because he hasn’t had the support he’s needed in his life. His father was a controlling jackass and his mother, my sister couldn’t deal with the divorce like an adult. Noah had to grow up fast and though he wasn’t always on the straight and narrow, living with his grief and guilt over Lex really screwed him up.” She looks at me, serious, “I know you don’t understand now, but he felt like he failed Lex, one of the most important people in his life. And now he’s afraid of failing you. He has a chance to make things right with his mother. They have a second chance at a good relationship. She’s tryi
ng to make positive changes in her life.” Hearing about Noah and his mother makes me happy. I want them to have a good relationship. I would be lying, though, if I said I wasn’t a little jealous, wishing I had the chance with my mother. I miss her so much.

  But wait….

  “I need to do something.” I stand up abruptly, startling Linda. She looks up at me, concerned.

  “Are you alright?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. There’s just something I need to do.” She stands up, uncertain. I give her a reassuring smile and hug her. “Thank you, for everything.” I’m grateful I have her to talk to. Andi has enough on her plate. I couldn’t add to it with my problems.

  “You know I’m always here for you Maddy. No matter what. I want you to be happy and I love you as if you were my own daughter.” She brushes my hair off my shoulder, smiling like my mother would do.

  “I know, and I appreciate it.”

  “What are you going to do about work?”

  “Oh I’ll be back once I get my head screwed back on.” Which I hope will be sooner than later. “Amanda has been so kind and understanding.”

  “I’m glad she’s been so supportive.” I nod. “But then again, you’ve worked there since you were seventeen and were always reliable, so she doesn’t have a reason not to trust you.” I would have loved to travel the world or spent money on pointless crap but when you’re limited on choices, you don’t get the luxury of such things. Like Noah, I had to grow up fast and make quick decisions to support myself. I guess the good thing about it was, it instilled important lessons and wisdom and ensured my independence.

  “Well, I’ll be in touch. Thanks for listening.” I turn to walk back to my car but pause and turn back to Linda. “The next time you speak to Noah, tell him I still love him please. And I miss him.”