Entangled

by Annie Brewer

  “I will Maddy.” She smiles sadly.

  I get back in my car and sit for a few minutes. Before stopping myself, I pick up my phone from the center console and scroll down to Noah’s name. His picture, of him smiling makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I grip my phone hard, trying to calm my racing heart. I send him a text…and then dial his number to hear his voice.

  Chapter 67

  Noah

  “Well, I’ll be fucking damned.” Spencer closes the notebook and sets it on his lap, tapping his foot.

  “I know. All this time and I never knew she had it.”

  “Dude, she’s right though. You deserve happiness. You’re a decent guy.”

  I hold my hand over my heart, dramatically. “Oh Spencer, are you finally admitting you’re attracted to me?” I laugh. He backhands me in the chest. “Ow.” I yelp. My phone beeps on the coffee table. I ignore it, aware of the caller, the same caller for the past few days. I just can’t right now…I can’t deal with that right now.

  “Dude, you can’t avoid her forever.” Spencer knows the caller as well. He just doesn’t get it. I can’t face her yet. I was sure she’d given up on me like I told her to do in my letter, move on; find someone who wouldn’t break their promises. But apparently she hasn’t. She hasn’t listened to me, hurting herself more. “I can try.” I finally say.

  “Come on, Noah. You owe her the truth.”

  “It’s better this way, she deserves better than me. I hurt her. I promised I wouldn’t break her heart but I broke both of our hearts. I’m no better than the rest of the douche bag population.” It’s frustrating that he won’t let it go. “Why do you care so much, anyway?” His phone beeps just then.

  He doesn’t look at me but I can tell he’s hiding something. “Who’re you texting?” I accuse. His expression is torn and I have the urge to snatch his phone from his hands. “Don’t get angry,” he starts, which pisses me off. I can feel my face heat with anger but I say nothing. “It’s Andi.”

  “What?” My voice squeaks out.

  “Andi and I have been talking.” I sit dumbfounded, and then I blink.

  “How long?”

  “We started talking when I left last summer from visiting you.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I can’t tell if I feel betrayed or angry more. I guess they go hand in hand, but I know I should be happy for them. I always thought they would be a good couple, I just never thought it would happen, being that he lived in New York. I think I’m just mad at the fact that he kept it from me. I mean, I get that we’re not chicks and don’t need to tell each other everything. But he’s talking to my girlfriend’s best friend, should I know about it? Okay, in my case, my ex-girlfriend…but she was my girlfriend at the time. It just feels like betrayal.

  Is that irrational thinking? Maybe I just need time to process it all and until I do, with everything that’s been going on, it seems the smallest things set me off. “I’m sorry Noah. I would have told you.” He clears his throat. “I mean, asked you for your approval-“

  I shoot him a look and raise my hand to stop him. “Dude, I’m not her father. What do you need my approval for?” I let out a breath and rub my hands on my pants. “What I meant was, you’re a grown man and this is your life. You can do what the fuck and who the fuck you want. I would have been happy for you, and her. I think she’s a great girl. I just feel you deceived me. The shit she’s going through, she needs someone to lean on. My cousin is not a match for her.”

  “I know I wanted to tell you, but she asked me not to. She doesn’t want Maddy to know yet.”

  “That is ridiculous. She would have been happy about it. Not to mention, she had suspicions. But okay, fine, I won’t say anything. It’s not like we’ll be talking anyway.”

  I know it’s wrong to feel a little jealous, but I am. I’m really jealous. I also wonder if being with Andi would make Spencer move to Colorado. That would be cool. If I were to go back. I’m just undecided about that.

  “What are you going to do, man?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “About Maddy, about Colorado.”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought as of late.” It’s a complete shit lie, I’m always thinking about both…moreso about Maddy. I think about her so damn much my head hurts. The way things were left between us, it was my constant fear from the beginning. I just don’t know how I can live without her.

  “Noah.” I throw myself back against the couch groaning, grab the notebook from Spencer’s lap and ignore his stare. “Why won’t you admit that you still love her?”

  “Because it won’t change a damn thing, Spencer. That’s why. Geez, do I have to spell it out for you?” My temper is rising and I clench my fists at my sides, trying to keep my composure. “I’m not-“

  “What, good enough for her, really?” Spencer shoots off the couch, “Fuck, did you not learn anything from that notebook? From Lex? Quit with this “she’s not good enough for me, she deserves better, I’m a fuck up” bull shit and accept the fact that you deserve happiness too. Christ. Do I need to spell it out for you? Or maybe I’ll just punch you in the face and kick you in the side of the head to knock all the sense back into that brain of yours. She loves you and you love her so quit being a giant pussy and let’s get drunk tonight.” I sit in silence, taking in every word that flew out of his mouth. But once it sinks in, a hysterical laugh bubbles out of my chest before I can stop it. Spencer stares at me, uncertain how to proceed, but I can’t stop laughing, throwing myself back against the couch. It actually feels good to laugh. It’s been awhile, with all the tears I’ve shed recently. Leave it to Spencer to provide some kind of relief, either that or I’m delirious. My lack of sleep might also be affecting me.

  “Okay Noah, settle down. You’ve lost your crazy ass mind.” I quickly sober up.

  “So what are we doing tonight?” I raid the refrigerator for a snack.

  “I thought we’d go to our usual place.”

  I glance at him from behind the fridge door, “I’m not really into the bar scenes these days, if I can help it.” I take out a slice of cheese and a can of coke and shut the door. Spencer is standing at the counter with his phone, “Okay, I’ll go tonight.” I tell him.

  “We can do something else if you want.” He says, not looking at me.

  “How is that going to work?” I watch his fingers move swiftly over the keys. “Long distance relationships don’t always work, you know.” Part of me is still jealous over the whole thing. I finally find a girl who’s able to break down my walls, the barriers, to my vulnerability and I run. I should be pissed at myself, which I am. I’m the one who let her slip through my fingers, or more correctly, I dropped her. She would have stayed, she’d walk through hell with me, if I’d let her.

  “Noah!” I finally hear Spencer shout my name. He cocks his head to the side in amusement. He must have been trying to get my attention but being stuck in my torturous head, I couldn’t hear a bomb. I shift my gaze to his and mutter a “sorry” before throwing my trash away. I scratch the back of my neck in contemplation. “Let’s go out. I need to do something before I drive myself mad.”

  “I think you’re already there, buddy.” He grins.

  We show up at our favorite spot in downtown, also where there is a memory of Maddy being here. I’m in the drinking mood. I need to get Maddy out of my head. “Do you want to do shots tonight?”

  Spencer looks at me, “I thought you didn’t drink anymore.”

  “Wait, I said before we came here, I wanted to drink. You said let’s get drunk tonight…so I think tonight, I want to get drunk. It’s one night.” We walk to the bar and sit down. I fold my arms on the table. When the bartender catches sight of me, she smiles wide. “Well, I’ll be damned. Noah is back.”

  I smile and nod. “Hi Julie. I am back and thirsty.”

  “What can I get you, darling?”

  “A shot of whiskey.” I look up at Spencer. “Two ple
ase.” He hesitates before plopping down beside me. He mutters a “this will be interesting” under his breath. He knows I don’t drink, and why. He also knows when I get drunk, I tend to do stupid shit and make an ass of myself.

  “Hey, we’re here to have fun. It was your idea.” Julie passes us our shots. I pick mine up and inspect it, the scent fill my nostrils. It’s been awhile since I had hard liquor, my tolerance isn’t what it used to be. I hold it up in front of us, “To life, wherever it might take us.” Our glasses clink and we tip it back and drink. The shot is strong going down my throat. But it tastes good and feels better. I ask for another.

  “What are you doing, Noah? This was a bad idea.” I lift a brow, “I’m ordering a drink.”

  “Come on, we can do something else. You don’t need to get drunk.”

  I suck back another shot and shake my head as I slam the glass down. “Whoop! That’s good, shit.” Spencer is clearly not pleased with me. But it was his idea to go out in the first place so why is he so against it now? I ignore him and continue drinking. I need to forget my past, my mistakes, Maddy, my mother, my father, all my problems for a night. I’m too much in my head when I hear karaoke start.

  Karaoke. “When did they start karaoke here?” I ask Spencer. I look to the stage where a middle aged man is gripping the microphone. He’s singing “Always” by Bon Jovi, one of my all-time favorite songs. And he’s butchering it too. I can’t help but find the words ironic.

  It’s about a man who was left by his girl and he’s drowning in his sorrow. But I’m the one who left Maddy and I’m drowning in regret. I fucking gave her up. So why can’t I move on? Surely there’s someone out there for me, to make me forget her?

  I need more shots. I notice Spencer texting and I lean back in my chair and cross my arms over my chest, annoyed. “What?” He asks when he notices me glaring at him.

  “What do you mean what? Are you going to be on your fucking phone all night or are you going to drink with me?”

  “I can do both.” I slug back another shot, rising from my seat a little too fast, and a little tipsy.

  “Don’t fucking bother. Tell Andi I said hi.” I say pissed off. I stumble when I step down from the bar. Spencer’s in my face, angry.

  “God dammit Noah. You’re such an asshole. What happened to the guy who was happy only months, weeks ago? This isn’t you.”

  The alcohol is taking affect now, I feel it. I raise my arms out, indicating to myself. “This is me Spencer.”

  “No it’s not.” I take another shot, defying him like a child defies their parents. “You’re the one who suggested getting drunk. That’s what I’m doing. I need to kick back and forget all the shit I’ve had to deal with, just for one night. Get the fuck off my back and let me drink.” I start to walk away.

  “It’s not you, you’re better than this.”

  I whirl around, swaying a little. “This is me, don’t you get it? This is me right here. I’m a fuck up. I run and I’m an asshole. This. Is. Me. You of all people ought to know that.” I realize we’re drawing a crowd, but I don’t care.

  “So you think that from Lex’s notebook, diary, journal or whatever the hell you wanna call it, you think this is what she wants from you? You think she’d be happy seeing you drink your life away? Running from something real, a real love that I’ve never seen you experience before? Really?”

  I step toward him, clenching my fists at my sides, ready to punch him in the face. “Don’t you dare bring her into this. Don’t you god damn dare. This isn’t about her right now.” He steps back and glances around us. People are singing but I can’t hear the words. All I can hear is my own harsh breathing as we stare each other down. I know he’s right. This isn’t what I want; it’s not what Lex would want for me either. Somehow I can’t admit it to him.

  “Go back to Colorado, Noah. You were happier there. Go be the guy you really want to be, the guy Maddy needs.”

  I swallow and blink back tears threatening to escape. I will not cry, not here. “I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know how to be him, how not to be my father. I don’t want to fail her, Spencer. I fuck shit up because it’s all I know. My life has been one clusterfuck of shit. I let people down. It’s easier to just-“

  “Noah.” I close my eyes at the sound of her voice, afraid to face her. I don’t want to see her now. “Noah.” She repeats my name.

  “We’re talking Kasey. Noah doesn’t want to see you.” I open my eyes and turn around. “Hey.” My head is pounding against my skull. I feel nauseous and I’m fighting to stay upright. How many shots did I take?

  “Can we talk?” Spencer begins to protest but I raise my hand to stop him.

  “It’s fine. You go home and I’ll come by later.”

  “Noah, don’t”

  “I’m sorry. I need to do this.” Do I really want to? I don’t even know what it is I’m telling him. I walk away, wishing the room would stop spinning. She takes my hand, leading me outside, to her car. I’m too drunk to pull away from her or stop her. And I agree when she suggests going to her house. I need a couch to lie down on, maybe that will stop the rattling in my brain.

  When I get into her car, I hastily and sloppily throw my seat belt on. I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes. “I’m really glad you came back.” She says, but I don’t know what to say. What does she expect of me? I’m not getting into a relationship with her. “What happened to that girl you were with?” I shake my head, my eyes still closed but I hope she takes the hint and drops it. “I’m sorry, I never liked her. You deserved better. Bitches like her break hearts and love it.”

  “I broke her heart.” I finally say with a bite. She has no idea how much Maddy deserves better than me, not the other way around.

  “Oh.” My head is banging inside my skull, and I have the urge to bash it against the window, maybe it’ll relieve some pressure. Why the fuck did I drink so damn much? “Well, I’m glad you’re back. You’re better off anyway.”

  I look at her, fighting the desire to grab the wheel and yank it hard to the right. “Please, shut up. My head is pounding and your damn voice is really not helping.” I lean against the window and close my eyes. I feel like puking.

  I must have fallen asleep, cause the next thing I know is she’s shaking me. I practically jump in my seat and hit my head on the hood of the car. “Hey, can you walk inside?”

  “I’m drunk, not crippled.” I reply, harshly.

  It’s dark in her apartment. I blindly walk inside, looking for a couch or somewhere comfortable to crash on. My phone vibrates, which it’s been doing nonstop all night, since I left the bar. I haven’t removed it from my pocket to check what texts Spencer has been sending me. At this point I’d probably take the phone and throw it against the wall, breaking it into million pieces. I’d make him buy me a new one.

  How did shit get so fucked up? Why did I leave with this chick instead of hanging out with my best friend? Why did I take so many shots? What am I trying to prove?

  "Hey." Kasey is standing over me, practically ready to pounce on me. I catch a whiff of her perfume, almost causing me to sneeze. It's not the greatest scent. It smells like a mixture of different things I can't detect. I let my head fall back against the cushion. I feel her hands on my neck and around my shoulders. "Do you want to have some fun? " She asks me, sitting on my lap now. “I can help you forget everything.” She's wearing tight jeans and a halter top that shows quite a bit of skin. Her breasts rub against me. I close my eyes and allow the buzz -what's left of it- to ruin my better judgment. I'm craving the closeness, intimacy, sex. Granted, I'm not getting my fix from the person I really crave; the person my body really craves. Because let's face it, her hands don't send me over the edge of ecstasy with just a touch, her smile isn't breathtaking and her mouth on my skin leaving hot kisses in its trail isn't like heaven.

  She's not Maddy.

  Still, I don't stop this girl in front of me. A moan of frustration escapes my throat be
fore I can stop it and it's taken as a moan of pleasure spurring Kasey on. Her hands are greedy, raking up and down my chest from under my shirt. She digs her nails into my skin. I flinch in pain but she takes no notice. Her hand finds the buttons on my jeans and hastily pops one open. Then another. And another...

  Maddy’s face clouds my vision. Her hair, her smile, her eyes. God, her eyes. I want to get lost in them and never be found.

  I grab her face between my hands, as I open my eyes. Reality hits me, hard. This isn’t Maddy. What am I doing? I can’t. I can’t do this. I don’t want to be this guy. I don’t want to run from life or love. This isn’t me anymore. Just because I’m back in New York doesn’t mean I should so easily slip back into my old habits. I can’t be both versions. I have to pick one and this isn’t the one I pick. I shake my head, “Stop.” She crinkles her forehead in confusion. I feel like an ass for letting it get this far. It’s almost like a betrayal to Maddy. We’re not together anymore, but I still feel like I’d be proving that I can’t change. She trusted me to be a better person.

  “What do you mean stop?” I detect hurt in her voice. I’ve turned her down twice now.

  “I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I’m in love with someone else. This would be a huge mistake.” Even though we’re not together, I know it would be the biggest mistake ever. I need to stop hiding behind my old ways or my father. Change means growth, and growth means accepting new possibilities.

  I want a deep emotional connection with someone. I want deep and soul changing intimacy. I had it. I need it back. I want it back. I want Maddy back, no matter what it takes. I just hope I’m not too late.

  She sits back on her haunches and studies me. I button my pants and dig for my phone. “Noah, please don’t do this.”

  “Don’t sell yourself short. You can change and find real love with someone. Stop thinking with your vagina, and use your head and open up your heart.” I open my phone and find mass amounts of texts.

  “Real love doesn’t exist for me.” I look up and see her frowning.