Reasonable Insanity

by Cynthia Freeman Gibbs

  “I, um, I don’t think I have an eating disorder.” Olivia shook her head in denial.

  “Often, we see this type of self-inflicted disease from cycles of binge eating, purging, using diuretics and laxatives, and exercising excessively for many years. This can cause your heart to go out of control and beat too rapidly,” he explained. “Let me cut to the chase. How long have you been eating and regurgitating your food?”

  Olivia appeared embarrassed and dropped her eyes to her lap, realizing she couldn’t fool this doctor. She let out a deep breath and confessed. “I initially tried it in high school for only a few weeks. My mother called me fat and insisted I had to lose weight to go to my Senior Prom.” She glanced at her father and shock spread across his face like he had had no idea.

  “I started again in college and it has lasted on and off until now. I guess it’s been about ten years. I always hid it from everyone in school and at work. I didn’t realize how hooked I had become or that I was messing my body up. I wanted to look perfect. Now, you’re saying I’ve damaged myself instead?”

  “Eating disorders are dreadfully serious. Some people do not get a do-over. You’re fortunate to have a chance to get control with this condition. We are going to hold you here a few days to monitor your heart and make sure everything is functioning properly. I am also going to have the nurse talk with you about programs which can help you with your disorder. I strongly suggest you do something now to prevent any more damage from taking place in your body.” He stood to leave.

  “Okay, I would like that information from her. Thank you, Dr. Rodriguez,” she responded sheepishly.

  Dr. Rodriguez exited the room, leaving Olivia and her father alone to soak in all he shared with them.

  “Olivia, I can’t believe you’ve been throwing up for more than ten years and no one knew. Why? You’ve never been fat. What made you do something like that?” her father questioned in disbelief.

  “I wanted my body to be perfect. In high school, I did it to please Mother. In college, my boyfriend wanted me to lose weight. I never thought I would’ve done this for all these years. It became a way of life for me,” Olivia said, her voice filled with regret.

  “I know you can beat this. I think you should go into a program for help. You’re a strong woman, and you’ll be much better,” her father reassured her.

  “Thank you for believing in me, Daddy. I didn’t realize I was hurting myself. I mean, my heart and my kidneys might be damaged. I had no idea.” Olivia sighed and laid her head back on the pillow. I can’t believe I’ve done more harm than good. On top of that, I’m still fat.

  “At least now, you can stop this cycle and get on the road to good health.”

  “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I’m glad you’re here with me. I can’t imagine going through this alone.” Despite her anger toward her family, she found comfort in having her father with her to help get through this ordeal.

  Once discharged from the hospital, Olivia reviewed the information the nurse provided to her about the National Eating Disorders Association.

  An inpatient treatment center for eating disorders in Colorado seemed promising with an exquisite view of the Rocky Mountains. The six-week program would be away from everyone and everything she knew. Perhaps it would be the best way to finally gain control and conquer this demon.

  She headed to Colorado three days after leaving the hospital.

  CHAPTER 22

  Checking into the treatment center had to be the hardest thing Olivia ever had to do. If it weren’t for Malia talking her into doing this for her health, she wouldn’t have gotten on the plane.

  “Welcome to the Mountain River Resort, Dr. Maxwell.” A pleasant middle-aged woman with a clipboard greeted her. The limousine driver handed Olivia’s two suitcases to the bellman and thanked her for the generous tip.

  Olivia breathed in deeply and smelled the fresh, cool air. She gazed around at the colorful flowers surrounding the property emitting a blend of sweet fragrances into her nostrils. Birds singing songs to heaven brought about peace and serenity.

  “My name is Joyce and I’m your Resident Counselor. Did you have a good flight?”

  “Yes, I did. I enjoyed seeing the snow-capped mountains when we flew in. I couldn’t take my eyes away from the window. Such a change from the hot weather in San Antonio,” Olivia exclaimed. The beautiful scenery had brightened her mood.

  “I am sure you will enjoy cooling off here.” Joyce smiled. “Please follow me inside and we will get you settled into your room. We will go on a tour and get you to the café for lunch. Afterward, we’ll begin your first counseling session.”

  The check-in lounge overwhelmed Olivia upon entering. Carefully done decorations created a calm and serene environment.

  A picture window displayed the majestic mountain peaks and valleys. Olivia inhaled sharply and digested the beauty of nature. The pictures in the brochure did not give this place justice.

  Women of all sizes and shapes sat on plush sofas and chairs in a common area. They read or engaged in lively conversations. Several glanced at Olivia and gave her warm smiles and gentle hellos. She took in all she could before following Joyce who patiently waited for her.

  The bedroom suite décor amazed Olivia more than the rest of the property. The smell of eucalyptus filled her nose when Joyce opened the door. “Oh, my goodness. This room is gorgeous,” she exclaimed.

  Olivia envisioned herself sleeping in the king-sized bed, surrounded by the multitude of oversized sage green and white pillows. The spacious bathroom had a marble shower and separate jacuzzi tub along with plush white towels hanging on the racks. The living room contained a cream-colored sofa with a green blanket folded on it. A desk and chair were on the opposite wall. White sheer curtains covered the sliding door, which led to a balcony overlooking a pool.

  “Wow.” Olivia was at a loss for words.

  “Are you pleased?” Joyce asked.

  “Yes, I love it.” Olivia beamed.

  “Great. Let’s head out to walk around the rest of the center.”

  Joyce proceeded to show Olivia the maze of meeting rooms, fitness center, activity room, counseling stations, staff quarters and offices. They concluded the tour at the dining café where Joyce reviewed her schedule and ground rules over lunch.

  “Olivia, you have taken the most important step in your journey to recovery from bulimia. It is a serious and complex disorder which can affect you physically, emotionally, and socially,” Joyce explained.

  “Right. I still can’t believe I’ve been trying to be perfect for so long. My body has taken a beating. I wish I realized it sooner.”

  “Well, at least you responded to your episode in a way to get the help available. We have a dedicated team of experienced professionals who are here for you. You will meet with the clinician and dietary staff later today. We will work to develop a customized care plan to fit your nutritional, spiritual, psychological, medical, and relational needs,” Joyce said before asking, “How does that sound to you?”

  “It sounds good. When I researched your facility, I was impressed to see the fact you are dually licensed as an eating disorder and mental health treatment center,” Olivia answered.

  “In addition, our therapy sessions are evidence-based. We include exercise, yoga, art therapy, cooking classes, and equine therapy as a comprehensive treatment approach. The plan is to eliminate the behaviors which contribute to your bulimia. You will develop a healthier relationship with exercise and food. Our goal is to give you a set of new skills to cope with stressful situations in life. Once you finish your six weeks here, you will leave with an individualized discharge plan. We recognize the hardest recovery may take place after you leave,” Joyce continued.

  While they talked, Olivia glanced around the café. She noticed women and several teenage girls eating together. She caught a glimpse of a woman with an afro and one with braids coming through the door, who were both extremely thin.

  “What�
��s going through your mind right now?” Joyce asked when she realized Olivia seemed distracted.

  “Oh. I’m sorry. I’m observing the variety of ladies here. I’m shocked.” Olivia paused.

  “What surprises you?” Joyce questioned.

  “Well, there are black women here,” Olivia said.

  Joyce chuckled. “Yes, there are women of all races in our program.”

  “Sorry if I sound ignorant. I’m a psychologist and am familiar with various eating disorders. However, in seeing very thin black women, I am curious about whether or not they are here because of bulimia or even anorexia?” Olivia was perplexed. “I mean, I’m not trying to be in their business, but if that is the case, I personally never heard of black women, other than myself, being bulimic,” Olivia explained.

  “Good observation,” Joyce responded.

  “Maybe, I need to go back to grad school. I can’t believe I’ve been ignorant about the impact of this disorder in the African-American community. From my experience to this point, this is mainly a white woman’s disease.” Olivia felt her skin grow warm from embarrassment.

  “Your thoughts are not unusual. Many people have the same mindset you do about bulimia not being an issue for black women. It’s not a cultural norm and folks often won’t talk about it with anyone. However, it does occur more often than most think,” Joyce confirmed.

  “I have to admit, there’s no way I would’ve ever admitted to anyone the fact that I have this disorder. I wonder if it’s the shame of not representing the strong black woman image. You know, most usually take pride in having meat on our bones,” Olivia pondered.

  “You are certainly right and it’s good to hear you say that before you have even had your first session. Most women in our program experienced isolation when dealing with this disorder. They never think it’s something they can discuss since they are embarrassed. It’s more common than people realize because it’s not your usual topic of conversation,” Joyce said.

  Olivia released a sigh of relief. She no longer had to suffer alone as she had been for ten years.

  “Now, let’s head to the counseling station and get you started.” Joyce stood and placed their food trays on a conveyer belt. Olivia followed her to begin her process of healing.

  Okay. Here we go. Time to peel back the layers of my brain and figure out what is going on. Olivia sighed.

  “Over in the corner is a changing room. Please go in there to remove your clothes and shoes and leave on your bra and panties. You will find a robe hanging on a hook for you to put on. We need to get a baseline weight for you,” Joyce instructed.

  “No way. You can’t weigh me right after I ate. That’s not fair,” Olivia whined.

  “Don’t worry. We’ll weigh you again in the morning,” Joyce replied.

  “Ugh. Wait. I need to go to the bathroom first,” Olivia protested.

  “Now, Olivia, let’s not pretend I don’t know your intention of going to the restroom. Starting today, you will not regurgitate any more of the food you eat. It is not going to be easy. But, I know you can do it. I have been exactly where you are. So, we are here to make you well. Is that understood?” Joyce stared Olivia squarely in the eyes.

  Olivia realized Joyce is the first person to ever call her out in the moment of her plan to purge. She dropped her eyes from Joyce in humiliation. “Yes, I understand. I’ll go change my clothes.” She slunk into the changing area. When she returned, she couldn’t help but feel exposed in the thin robe and nervously tightened the belt around her waist.

  She balanced herself on the scale and refused to look. “Okay, Olivia. You weigh 105 pounds. You can get off the scale now.” Joyce jotted the number on her clipboard.

  “105,” Olivia repeated.

  “Are you pleased with this weight?” Joyce asked.

  “I didn’t realize I could be this weight and still be fat,” Olivia sighed.

  Joyce flashed a gentle smile, then took Olivia’s hand. “Believe me when I tell you, we’re going to help you during the time you are here. I have something I want to show you.”

  Joyce handed Olivia a red marker and placed an oversized piece of paper on the floor. “What I would like for you to do is to draw a life-sized outline of how you see body shape. You don’t have to be a skilled artist. Do the best you can.”

  Olivia huffed but took the marker and knelt on the paper to begin drawing. She didn’t understand this stupid exercise.

  “Very good,” Joyce said once Olivia completed the task. “Now, I need for you to lie on this second piece of paper. I’m going to draw your actual outline. Are you comfortable with this?

  “No, I’m not,” Olivia said without hesitation. “However, I paid a lot of money to be here. I’ll do it even though I don’t like it,” Olivia agreed reluctantly.

  Joyce took a black marker and once Olivia laid on the paper, she outlined her.

  “See. That wasn’t bad.” Joyce helped Olivia from the floor. “You can put your clothes back on. Once you come out, we will sit and chat.”

  Olivia put her warm-up suit and shoes back on before returning to Joyce. They sat in chairs in front of the two drawings.

  “Now, I want you to examine each of these pictures. Tell me what you see,” Joyce instructed.

  Olivia scanned back and forth between the two outlines. She shook her head slowly before responding. “Joyce. I don’t know what to say right now.”

  “What are you thinking?”

  “You made a mistake on your outline of me. Your picture has me looking extremely skinny. There is no way that is my shape.” Olivia pointed at the paper drawn with the black marker.

  “It is not a mistake. This shows your actual shape.”

  “Now you know, I’m a lot bigger than that. Do you see how tiny you made my stomach and thighs?”

  “Nope. Olivia, your perception of your body is much bigger than what you are. In your picture, you drew round hips, a large stomach, and huge arms. You can see, your true body shape is quite the opposite.”

  Olivia couldn’t believe Joyce’s words and her neck prickled with heated anger. “I’m not sure how you came to this conclusion. It is completely wrong.”

  “I know this is a lot to absorb right now. It’s okay. We have a reason for doing this exercise upon arrival. It brings about a reality check and allows us to know how you feel. We’re done for today. You did considerably well. Now you can go back to your room to relax or roam around the resort until time for dinner. But before you go, do you have any questions for me?” Joyce asked.

  Olivia sighed. “I don’t have any questions. I’m in a state of shock. Bear with me. I need to adjust to all of this.”

  “I understand. We will see you this evening at dinner. Tomorrow, we’ll meet at 8:00 am. Okay?” Joyce stood and walked Olivia to the door.

  “Okay. Thank you, Joyce. Goodbye.” Olivia walked to her room with her head hung low.

  I should pack my bags and go home. Why did I come here for this nonsense? I can counsel myself instead of letting these people humiliate me. She sat on the sofa and read the materials Joyce had given her covering the ground rules.

  To develop a healthy image of their bodies, the staff did not allow magazines on site or watching television. This rule applied to keep them from obsessively comparing themselves to celebrity women. I know they don’t think I can be here for six-weeks without reading any magazines? I need to get a ride to the store to get a couple to sneak in. There is no way I am giving those up.

  Prior to the program, Olivia had a habit of buying stacks of fashion and gossip magazines from the grocery store. She would spend time throughout the day flipping from the front cover to the back. She became obsessed with how beautiful and skinny the models and movie stars were.

  The residents all had to eat regularly scheduled balanced meals. They couldn’t remove food from the café or store snacks in their rooms to avoid the temptation to binge. Yeah, right. Watch me find a way to get my food in here.

  To u
se the bathrooms in the common areas, they had to notify a staff member whenever they needed to have the restroom unlocked. The counselor would stand outside the door to see if they were throwing up versus using the toilet. They could not go to their personal rooms right after meals. Strategically scheduled group sessions occurred immediately after eating to keep them from purging.

  Olivia sighed and placed the book on the coffee table. She wrapped the blanket around her and stepped through the sliding doors onto the patio. The cool air hit her face and refreshed her. The majestic view made her pause and say a prayer. Lord, you have given me a chance to get healed. I don’t want to disappoint you or myself any more than I already have. Help me to make the choice today to stop destroying my body. I know it won’t be easy, but you brought me here for a reason. I’m ready and I can do this. Amen.

  ***

  The next day, Olivia met a few of the residents at breakfast after she weighed in.

  “Hi, I’m Beth and this is Connie. Welcome to paradise.” The ladies laughed and invited Olivia to join them at their table. Beth had short, red hair and Connie’s was long and brown and pulled into a ponytail. They appeared to be in their thirties and wore workout clothes.

  “Thank you. I love the resort. It’s hard to believe I’m not on vacation,” Olivia nervously chuckled and set her food tray on the table.

  “Well, you are in some ways. This place is incredible. I checked in four weeks ago and wish I didn’t have to leave in two weeks. But I must get back to my husband and kids. Have you had a chance to get out and enjoy some of the classes available?” Connie asked with a strong southern accent.

  “No, not yet. This is my first full day. I’m looking forward to working out this morning. Perhaps I’ll try horseback riding later,” Olivia responded.

  “You won’t be disappointed,” Beth replied. “Don’t be nervous about being here. You probably are a bit overwhelmed after hearing about all the rules. It’s a lot, but, it will help you eventually.”