Smoke and Mirrors: A Demented Sons MC Texas Novel

by Kristine Allen

  The pressure grew inside me to ask him, but I didn’t know how.

  I took a sip of my drink, and as I set it down, I caught his eye. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Would you help me have a baby?”

  Oh, shit.

  “Eye of the Storm”—Godsmack

  Mouth open, fork poised halfway from my plate, I froze.

  “What the fuck did you just say?” I drawled out as I sat there blinking.

  “God, that came out wrong.” She pressed her fingertips to her forehead as she muttered under her breath.

  “Yeah, because it sounded like you asked me to make a baby with you.” Laughter erupted from me at the hilariousness of what I thought I’d heard. People from the tables around us turned and glared. Disliking them staring, I glared back.

  She put her hands in her lap, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes for a second. Then she opened them, and the brilliant blue sucked me in.

  “I kind of did,” she whispered.

  I could only stare. She breathed deeply again and spoke.

  “Look. I’m almost thirty-two years old. My relationship options are nonexistent right now. Even if I did by chance meet someone, I can’t expect them to want to have a child with me immediately.” When she paused for air, I cut in.

  “But you think I would?” Incredulous, I gaped at her. As I looked, I couldn’t help but really look at her. I’d tried not to earlier because she was Anna’s friend, for fuck sake, but she’d really blossomed over the last sixteen years. And I mean that in a very good way.

  The skinny, flat-chested, glasses-wearing, nerdy young girl who’d been Anna’s best friend was now a voluptuous, beautiful, golden-haired, striking siren of a woman. Gone were the glasses, braces, and sports bras. It didn’t make sense that she hadn’t found Mr. Right yet.

  “Wait a minute. Why can’t you go to a fertility clinic and do that in vitro shit people do?” Setting down my forgotten fork, I crossed my arms as I gave her a narrow-eyed stare.

  She fell back into her seat. “Because my insurance doesn’t cover that, neither my old policy nor my current one with my new firm,” she explained.

  “Okay, but you’re an attorney. Surely you make enough to pay for that,” I argued.

  Rolling her eyes, she huffed. “No. I mean, I do well, but I don’t make that much.”

  “So take out a loan,” I countered.

  Her eyes dropped and then focused away from us. “I can’t” was her quiet response.

  “So adopt.” I was running out of options for her.

  “I can’t,” she whispered again.

  “Why not?”

  She sat there looking at me like she wanted to rip my head off.

  Silently, I waited. In my experience, people hated silence. They wanted to fill it. If you could wait long enough, the average person would cave. And I was a patient man when I needed to be. Then again, she was tough. Growing up, she’d been one of the toughest chicks I’d ever met, despite being a nerd. She was feisty.

  Suddenly, she didn’t look like the ball-busting attorney I’d assumed she was. The woman in front of me might be beautiful but she was defeated. Tired. Broken.

  “Because I won’t pass the credit check and I’m broke.” The words came out so softly, I barely heard what she said.

  “You’re a fucking attorney. Likely a good one, with as smart as you always were.” That last bit perked her up a bit, and I saw her preen a little at the compliment. “How the fuck are you broke?”

  Maybe it wasn’t my place to judge, but the woman sitting in front of me was ballsy enough to ask for my spooge, for fuck sake.

  “It’s complicated” was all she gave me.

  “So you just want me to fuck you and knock you up?” My eyes were bugging.

  “Shh! Oh my God! No!” she whisper-yelled as her eyes darted around to see if anyone heard me.

  “Then what?” Because I really wanted to hear this one.

  “It would be artificial insemination.”

  “So you want me to jack off in a cup and you’re gonna use a turkey baster?” I’d seen my buddy do something similar with the dogs he bred. I mean, he’d used some fancy equipment, not an actual turkey baster. Still, it had, quite frankly, creeped me the fuck out.

  “Of course not! I have a clinic I’ve been talking to. They would have you give them a sample, then they would do the um, process.”

  “Again. You want me to jack off in a cup. Uh, no thanks, hon. Surely there are donors you can choose from.”

  “I’m sure there are. But I know you. I know your personality. You’re handsome, you’re healthy, you’re kind, and you’re smart. You’re a good person, Grayson. All things I want to see in my child. I don’t want to take someone’s word for that. It scares me.” Her eyes seemed to be begging me.

  “Nova. You don’t even know me anymore. You haven’t seen me since Anna’s funeral. We’ve maybe talked twice in fifteen years.” I tried to get her to see how crazy she was sounding.

  “You were always so far away with the military, and I was in school, then trying to establish a name for myself. Life got in the way. Of everything. So many things in my life haven’t played out like I thought they would. Suddenly, I realized I was hearing the sound of my biological clock ticking with each breath I took. I want to be a mother more than anything, but I don’t think relationships are my thing. I haven’t had the best of luck with them.” Appearing resigned, she looked down at her plate.

  “What if you can’t get pregnant?” I was grasping at straws. This was by far the most unexpected and bizarre conversation I think I’d ever had.

  Her face went pale, and a fat tear rolled down one cheek before she brushed it away. It made me feel like a tool.

  “I’m sorry. I know it sounds crazy. I shouldn’t have asked.” She sniffed once.

  “Look, Nova, I’m the father of a sixteen-year-old girl. I’m not looking to be a father again. Starting over? Um, no.” I shook my head as I snorted out a breath.

  “But I’m not asking you to do that,” she implored. “I’ll draw up a contract. You won’t have any responsibilities. I wouldn’t expect child support or anything. You wouldn’t have any obligations, I swear.”

  “What the fuck? I don’t make a habit of knocking women up and turning my back on them. Jesus, Nova. Talk about a sucker punch. Hell, I might’ve been less surprised if you came to me and told me you wanted to fuck.”

  She gasped.

  Except it wasn’t indignation pouring from her.

  Those icy eyes widened, a flush lit her cheeks, and her full lips stayed parted. Only a fool would’ve missed her nipples poking through the fabric of her thin top as her chest heaved. She was truly stunning and it stirred some weird emotions in me. It took a lot of willpower to remind myself that she’d been the nerdy but cute little girl next door—and then Anna’s best friend.

  Cupping my hand, I covered my nose and mouth. Trying to gain control of my out-of-control thoughts, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. “Nova, I’m not your guy,” I whispered.

  “Grayson, I didn’t mean to upset you. I realize now it was a ridiculous idea. I… I won’t bother you again. You take care.” Her words were soft and rife with pain.

  I opened my eyes in time to see her slide out of the booth, drop a twenty on the table and rush toward the door.

  “Fuck,” I said as I worked my wallet from my pants, threw my own cash on the table, and tried to catch up to her.

  For a woman in fuck-me heels, she moved fast. She was damn near sprinting toward a white Mercedes. I closed in on her right as she pulled out. There was nothing to do but stand there and watch her drive off.

  Running a hand roughly through my hair, I wondered what the hell had just happened.

  Was I high? Dreaming? Crazy?

  A honking horn behind me made me jump. Though I moved to the side, they still ran their mouth through the closed window. Feeling less than charitable, I flipped them off.

  Needing to colle
ct my thoughts, I hopped on my bike and headed home. Once I got my head straight, I’d go back to the clubhouse to take care of a few things.

  It was a short trip, and I left my bike in the driveway before keying in my code to get inside. For several minutes, I paced. Every so often I muttered to myself.

  Before I knew it, I was in my room, heading to my closet. From the top shelf, I brought down a wooden box. It was a miniature cedar chest that Anna had picked up at a garage sale right after we’d gotten to my first duty station. The little brass key was still on my keychain. Not because I opened the box often, but because it had been Anna’s.

  Slowly, I trudged to the bed and set it down. The key fit smoothly in the lock, and I turned it. Carefully lifting the lid, I was hit by emotions I wasn’t prepared for. Photographs, papers, and mementos from Mattie’s birth were tucked inside just as Anna had left them. Glinting from the edge was the plain gold band she’d worn with pride.

  Scooping it up, I slipped it on my pinky. It barely made it past the first knuckle. One picture was separate, and I pulled it out. It had been taken right after I’d graduated basic training. I was in my uniform, grinning from ear to ear as Anna looked up at me with love and pride. If you looked closely, you could see the swell of her stomach through her dress.

  “God, Anna. We were so young, foolish, and in love. Sometimes I wonder if we’d have stood the test of time. Do you think we’d still be married, or would you have divorced me by now?” Of course, my only answer was silence. Anna wouldn’t be answering me ever again.

  With a heavy heart, I set the picture back in the box and placed the ring with it. Most days I was good, but seeing Nova had unleashed a shitstorm of hurt.

  Lying alongside everything in the box was a stack of letters. Bound by olive green 550 cord, they were tattered and stained. They’d been the last thing I’d thrown in the box before locking it and trying to forget about the memories trapped inside.

  My hand shook as I reached for them.

  Dated once a week for three months, then once a month for about eleven more, they spanned my first deployment. Strange that I’d kept them after all this time, but in all honesty I’d forgotten about them until today.

  Grabbing the last one from the bottom of the stack, I slid it from under the cord. The single sheet of paper came out easily from the envelope I’d slit open with my knife so long ago.

  After a moment’s hesitation, I unfolded it. The handwriting was neat and tight. I wondered if she still wrote that way. My eyes trailed over the words.

  Grayson,

  I don’t know if you’re getting these anymore. At first, when you stopped writing, I worried you had died. For about a week, I cried even though there hadn’t been any news that you were gone. I was a little dramatic.

  Do you know I stood on the steps of your parents’ for an hour, afraid to get an answer that would destroy me? Thankfully, they said the last they heard you were alive and well. I wavered between being angry at you for making me worry and relieved that you were still breathing. I’ve tried to pretend like you still write. Like you didn’t simply ghost me.

  Maybe you don’t care about any of that, but I needed to get it off my chest.

  Did I tell you that your parents brought Mattie to my graduation? It was the sweetest thing ever. This past month I’ve gone by every day before or after work. Maybe it’s silly, but I spend a lot of time with Mattie. She reminds me so much of you both. She’s getting so big and she’s so smart and so pretty. I show her your pictures and tell her all about you. I want her to know her daddy is brave and strong.

  And I show her pictures of her momma. I tell her about how sweet and beautiful her momma was and how I know she’s going to grow up to be just as wonderful.

  I’ll be starting college in a few days and I won’t be able to see her like I have been. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle that. It will be the first time in years that I won’t have a connection to you and Anna. God, I feel like I’ve lost you both.

  I don’t even know if I’ll send this. It seems depressing and dumb. If I do, it will be the last one. I’m not sure why you quit talking to me, but I’ve finally convinced myself you have your reasons. Maybe I’m too much of a reminder that part of our triangle is missing.

  So be safe. Have a fantastic life. Love your mom and dad. Cherish Mattie.

  And never forget that I was your friend too.

  Love,

  Your friend,

  Nova

  At some point as I read, I’d sat on the floor. Leaning against the bed, I looked again at the date of the letter and the postmark. She’d held on to it for three weeks before she mailed it. It was postmarked from Houston where she’d gone to college.

  At the time, I’d been so fucked in the head that I hadn’t really thought much about the fact that she’d given up on me. I’d been numb from the combination of Anna’s death and the shit I’d seen and done in Iraq.

  By the time I’d returned home, I was a hot fucking mess. It took me a while, but eventually, I’d learned to compartmentalize my military experiences and keep them separate from Mattie and my family. I’m not saying it was the healthiest way to handle shit, but it worked at the time.

  I’d called Nova on her birthday the year I’d gotten home. The next year I was back in Iraq, so I didn’t call, and she never wrote again. The year after that was the last time I’d called her. The conversation had been stilted and short.

  After that, I’d said goodbye to her and my past.

  For one, I was deploying every other year. For two, it was too hard and we’d drifted apart. She was too much of a reminder of the crazy, carefree kids we’d been. That part of me didn’t exist anymore, and I couldn’t keep up pretenses with her.

  Except now she was back in my life. Thankfully, this area was big enough that we probably wouldn’t see each other. After all, I doubted we’d run in the same circles.

  Why didn’t that make me happy?

  “Blank Space”—I Prevail

  “Girl, I don’t know why you don’t just go out one night, have a random hookup, and get yourself knocked up. You don’t even need to tell the guy. You get your bambino, he doesn’t get stuck with child support—win-win.” Heidi took a sip of her wine before the screen bounced around, then she came back into focus. She was reclining on her couch with her glass in hand and music playing in the background.

  I dried my hands, started the dishwasher I’d just filled, and grabbed my phone from where it’d been propped on the counter. “Hell, no. That’s like stealing,” I argued.

  “Stealing?” She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

  “Heidi, you’re drunk. Not only would that be unethical or immoral, it’s simply wrong on so many levels.” Flabbergasted at her rationale, I could only shake my head. Though we’d become friends when I’d started at my old law firm, we were about as different as night and day.

  “I’m not drunk. I’m just cynical and bitchy tonight. I’m sorry. Don’t listen to me.” She emptied her glass, and I heard her set it on her glass side table. “Gordie turned in his resignation, by the way. He got a job up in Chicago, I guess.”

  “Good riddance,” I said as my lip curled. “I hope he freezes his balls off up there.”

  She laughed. “Girl, same.”

  There was no love lost between Heidi and Gordie. She was the only one who knew what he’d done to me. She’d wanted to help me find a way to sue him, but I’d refused. I’d been foolish, and he’d been coldhearted and conniving. Being a much more experienced attorney, he knew exactly what he was doing to make sure I didn’t have a legal leg to stand on.

  He also made sure I’d look like a jilted lover.

  From a relationship we were forbidden to have to begin with, since our firm had a strict no-fraternization policy.

  “You could always move back now. I know the old farts would take you back.”

  “You know what? I’m good. I’
m liking it here.” Seeing Grayson again may have had something to do with that. Even though he’d shot me down and left me feeling like a real dumbass.

  “So your old friend said not just no, but hell, no. Huh?” It was like she’d read my mind.

  “Yeah, pretty much.” Hell, I hadn’t heard from him in the past two weeks, so I was pretty sure that door was closed.

  “I tried to tell you that was a bad idea,” she said with a smirk.

  “Why did I even tell you about that harebrained scheme?” I groaned.

  “Because you were drunk off your ass after your going away party.” She chuckled.

  “Oh God, don’t remind me.” I plopped on my bed.

  “You also said that you’d love to—”

  “Stop!” I interrupted. “Jesus, please don’t remind me.”

  “Whatever floats your boat, you little freak,” she teased.

  “Like you have room to talk. Remind me never to get drunk around you again.”

  “Considering we’re now three hours apart, I’m pretty sure opportunities like those will be few and far between.” She pouted.

  “You act like I moved across the country. It’s three hours. Less without traffic. Don’t be dramatic.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “And why aren’t you out on the town on a Friday night? I thought you told me you were supposed to go out with your neighbors to Sixth Street.”

  “I was, but I wasn’t feeling it,” I drawled as I stretched out. “It was a long week, and I just wanted to be lazy. Speaking of, why aren’t you?”

  Her lip curled in a sultry smile. “Maybe because I have someone stopping by.”

  Raising a brow, I perked up. “Who?”

  “A certain bartender from our favorite pub,” she sang out.

  Laughter erupted from me. “Finally! Lord, y’all have been flirting back and forth for damn near a year!”

  She shrugged. “Can’t let him think I’m easy.”

  “Girl, you are far from easy but you might break that poor man in two.” I snort-laughed.