by Lauryn April
“Logan?” I laughed. “He’s my neighbor, and he’s got some crush on me or something. I was just letting him help me on this paper.”
Hailey laughed. I felt this sick twist in my stomach.
“Good,” she said with relief in her voice. “He’s such a weirdo.”
Jo silently shook her head and gave me a disapproving look.
“Oh hey, I need your advice on what jewelry to wear to Homecoming,” Hailey continued, but her words trailed off.
I’d never felt more guilty. I’d always been honest, brutally so, but in the past it had been easy to be honest. I guess because it came at someone else’s expense. This time, my honesty would have come at the expense of Hailey’s snide remarks and judgmental looks aimed at me. That wasn’t something I was used to, not ever, and so I’d lied.
I carried my guilt with me to Logan’s that night; it hung from me like a lead suit, and with it came this strange insecurity. I’d never much cared what people thought of me, but then again, no one had ever thought I was weird or a loser. My classmates either looked up to me, wanted to be me, or thought I was a bitch. No one had ever looked at me like Hailey had earlier that day. No one had ever made me feel weak, not since Jared. I felt torn between wanting to be Logan’s friend and keeping control over what my friends thought of me.
Logan helped me with my paper, and though I’d been distracted by Hailey’s comments earlier that night, I eased into comfortable conversation with him. After finishing my paper he had me laughing over some stupid joke and I tilted my head back, squinting into the golden light of the setting sun.
When the chuckles died down, Logan said, “Hey, I was wondering if at lunch tomorrow you could meet me in the metal shop. I have something I want to show you.”
All laughter drained away, and I thought about school and Hailey again. Part of me was curious what Logan wanted to show me, but a bigger part of me was nervous about what my friends would think. I wanted to just be me, but over the last few years who I was had become deeply tangled with my friends. They were a part of me, especially Jo, but Hailey too, and the thought of any of them being disappointed in me felt like losing a piece of myself.
“Logan….” I began, searching for the right words. “I don’t know if…I think maybe it’d be better if we just hung out outside of school.” I think I was trying to convince myself that was a fair compromise, even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and yet I’d said it anyway.
Logan’s brow puckered and he looked away. After a moment he laughed this flat, humorless sound and shook his head.
“I guess I should have expected that.” The harsh tone of his voice made my heart ache.
“Logan….” I searched for the right words.
“And here I thought you’d never stop being someone’s friend just because they were different. That was what you said, right? I think maybe you should re-think that statement.”
My shoulders slumped. Something inside me felt like it was being ripped out. Logan was right: I was a complete hypocrite. I didn’t want to be the kind of girl who judged people and decided who was worthy of being my friend by their reputation. But I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for the people I wanted in my life.
“I never said I didn’t want to be friends, and this has nothing to do with your being an alien.”
Logan laughed again. “No, not about my being an alien, about my being me. This is all about my not fitting into your little social circle, which means so much to you.”
I sighed. I didn’t know how to explain to him how confusing this was for me, or how much Hailey and my teammates meant to me.
“Just go home,” Logan said.
I felt the tears come to my eyes as I turned to him. “You’re kicking me out?”
Logan didn’t answer, but it was obvious by his expression that he didn’t want me there. Without another word, I picked up my things and left.
That night as I lay in bed, I wondered who I was. I didn’t feel like the same person anymore. I used to be carefree. I used to say exactly what I was thinking. I didn’t care if I hurt anyone, and I’d had no regrets. I’d often been selfish. I’d been mean, and I’d been blissfully happy with who I was.
But I hurt Logan that night. I’d been selfish and mean, and I did care.
I wondered if everything about me, the things I did, the things people thought I did, the things I said to people, if it was all a lie. I was often honest, but sometimes my honesty hurt people. I didn’t want to do that. It was all about playing the part of head cheerleader, about living up to who people thought I was – pretty, athletic, bitchy, slutty – but none of it had anything to do with who I really was.
The problem was, I’d spent so much time pretending to be me that I never took the time to figure out who I actually was. What did I like, not just what was the popular thing to like, what did I think, feel, want, hate, need? I didn’t know.
I was like the girl in Jo’s young adult books who was always the antagonist. The bitchy, popular girl who was easily interchangeable with the bitchy, popular girl from any other book. She was usually blond, self-absorbed, and rude, and the story was never about her.
I didn’t want to be that girl.
I’d promised myself nights ago that I was going to just be me. I thought it would have been easy; after all I’d never had a problem saying what was on my mind. But that was when I thought my friends would always agree with me. It’s different when they don’t have your back.
I made a mistake, and I knew I had to fix it. This time I wouldn’t let anyone change me. I was going to be as blunt and honest with Hailey as I’d been with everyone else. I closed my eyes and started to drift off. Sleep grabbed hold of me, and I began to fall into a dream.
A sharp, piercing pain scraped across my skull.
My eyes flew open as the electrical shock set me on fire. I gripped my head and ground my teeth, wanting to scream out in pain. I thought I was done with this. My fingers knotted in my hair. Logan had said the device would adjust. That I’d forget it was even there, but the pain I felt hurt more than any other shock I’d felt before. It was stronger, sharper, and it felt like it was physically ripping my brain in two. Tears streamed down my face.
Eventually the pain faded, but panic replaced it. I wondered what it meant that I’d felt another shock, and one that was so strong. Was it transmitting a stronger signal? What did that mean? I wanted to run across the street and ask Logan. I wanted him to tell me everything was fine, but I knew he probably didn’t want to see me. I forced myself to go back to sleep and woke the next morning after a restless night.
CHAPTER
14
Logan ignored me the rest of the week. I tried to talk to him a few times, but found between Spirit Week and prepping for the football game and the Homecoming dance, I simply didn’t have the time to make things right between us. He was angry with me. I knew what I’d said to him and how I treated him was unfair, but I didn’t know how to make it right, especially if he didn’t want to talk to me. Jo had been distant as well; we’d talked a little, but I could tell she’d been avoiding me too. Every time I tried to find out what was bothering her, it seemed we were interrupted, or Jo did something to avoid the conversation.
By Friday morning, as I dressed in my school colors – red and gold – I felt like the walking dead. It had been an exhausting week. My afternoons had been spent with the squad preparing for the Homecoming game. Thursday afternoon we’d cheered down Main Street in the Homecoming parade, and my days had gone by in a blur.
After class on Friday I was walking to my car when I saw Jo. I ran to catch up to her. I called her name, but she didn’t face me until I was beside her. My brow puckered as she looked at me with a hard glare. I frowned, unsure of why she was upset.
“Hey,” I said, catching my breath. “What’s wrong?”
Jo sighed. “Look, Payton, I don’t really want to talk about it.”
I put my hand on her shoulder and she st
opped walking. “Come on, Jo, you’ve been distant all week. What’s up?”
“You,” she said, sounding very matter-of-fact.
“What?”
She sighed. When she spoke next her tone was careful and sharp. “I know you and Logan are friends, or at least you were, but at lunch the other day you acted like he was some kind of leper when Hailey asked you about him, and now the two of you have been completely ignoring one another.”
“Why does that have anything to do with you and me?”
“It has everything to do with you and me!” she shouted.
I shook my head, not understanding.
Jo took a breath. “How come you and Logan aren’t talking?”
I shrugged, not wanting to admit how mean I’d been to him. “I don’t know.”
“Really? So it has nothing to do with what Hailey said at lunch the other day?”
I said nothing and looked away.
“So what would you do if Hailey said those things about me? If people found out about me, would you stop being my friend too?”
My eyes shot to her. “What? No, of course not, Jo.”
“Are you sure about that?”
I was. I knew I would stand up for Jo, and I knew I’d done wrong by Logan. I just didn’t know how to fix things.
“Yes, I am,” I said. I could see some of Jo’s worry melting away. “I know I screwed things up with Logan. I said something I shouldn’t have and….” I sighed. “I need to make things right with him, but I would never let Hailey or anyone else get to me when it came to you. We’re best friends.”
Jo smiled. “I’m sorry.” She let out a deep breath. “Everything that’s going on with me is just making me paranoid that everyone is going to turn against me.”
“No one is going to turn against you,” I said, but she didn’t look convinced.
“Anyway, I’m sorry I’m budding in on whatever’s going on between you and Logan. It was just so unlike you to let Hailey get to you like that. Normally she’s the one seeking your approval, not the other way around.”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t know why I let her get under my skin.” I shook my head. “We’re okay though?”
Jo nodded. “Yeah, we’re fine. I should get going though. Nikki and I have plans. I’ll see you at the game.”
“See you,” I said and waved as Jo walked off.
The Homecoming football game was exhilarating. Not only was the entire school in attendance, but most of the parents and teachers as well. Alumni returned home, and the stands were packed full. There was nothing in New Liberty that brought the town together faster than a football game, especially the Homecoming game.
When we cheered the crowd roared as if they were one being - one monstrous, undulating creature that breathed in our cheers and shouted them back in a trembling roar. This wasn’t just a football game, it was a battle, and we all screamed and shouted as if the outcome were truly life or death. In turn the final victorious play unleashed a wave of glee as we shouted in triumph.
Hailey threw her arms around me. We squealed as we hugged. I pulled away from her and looked for Jo. I saw her hugging another one of our teammates, but in the distance a pair of dark eyes, framed in glasses, were aimed in my direction. I left my squad to continue celebrating on the field and walked toward Logan.
“Where are you going?” Hailey called.
I looked over my shoulder and knew she’d spotted Logan standing by the bleachers.
I took a breath. “I’m going to talk to Logan for a minute,” I said, looking her straight in the eyes; then I walked away.
Standing at the edge of the bleachers, Logan picked up a small blue cooler. Beside him his mother folded a red and black plaid blanket. As I approached Mrs. Reed’s large brown eyes turned to me. She smiled. Logan was less thrilled to see me. He rolled his eyes, and his face took on a pinched expression.
“Payton,” Mrs. Reed called. “You girls were wonderful tonight.”
“Thank you.” My eyes flickered to Logan again.
He clenched his jaw and refused to meet my eyes. An awkward beat passed between the three of us. Mrs. Reed looked between Logan and me.
“Well, I’m going to take this out to the car. Logan, will you empty the ice out of the cooler?” she asked, then walked away, giving us a moment alone.
I waited until she was out of earshot. “I’m sorry,” I said.
Logan ignored me and walked beneath the bleachers.
I followed him into the shadowed skeleton of the stands and watched as he opened the lid of the small cooler to dump out the melted ice.
“I didn’t think you were all that big on school spirit. I’ve never seen you at a game before,” I said.
“I’m not,” he replied. “My mom wanted to go. It reminds her of when she was young, before she was…taken. Usually she has to work Friday nights so it was kind of hard to tell her I didn’t want to go.”
The last few drops of water fell from the cooler, and Logan looked up at me.
“Look, Logan, I know I made a mistake–”
“Just save it, Payton. I don’t care.”
He started to move past me, but I grabbed his arm. “Wait, Logan. I’m really sorry. I want to be friends. I just made a mistake.”
His eyes narrowed. I heard this creaking as the stands above us started to shake.
I looked up, watching the crossing metal posts vibrate. The crowd above hushed as they felt the rumble.
Looking back to Logan, I realized he was shaking them. I let go of his arm and took a step back. He closed his eyes for a moment. The shaking subsided, then he opened his eyes.
“Are you sure about that, or are you going to change your mind again next week?”
That hurt.
“I’m sorry, Payton. It may not be a big deal for you to exchange your friends on a regular basis, but it is for me.” Logan’s voice got low and sparked my guilt. “You were the only person I had who I could talk with about who I really am. I can’t keep wondering if you’re really my friend, if I can trust you.”
“I made a mistake, Logan.” I heard my voice break as the words slid past my lips, but Logan was already walking away, and he kept going.
I stood alone under the bleachers and let out a long sigh. That hadn’t gone as well as I’d hoped. Logan’s words had hurt me, and I did wonder if I’d lost his friendship forever. But at least I could say I tried. I pulled myself together and walked out from under the bleachers. I hoped Logan was just mad and that he would eventually forgive me, but just then the only thing I could do was give him space.
As I made my way back to my squad, Ian stepped out in front of me and picked me up. I smiled as my feet left the ground, and he whirled us around. I was laughing when he set me back down, and went about the rest of my night, trying not to let what happened with Logan ruin it.
The whirlwind of excitement that started Friday, when we won the Homecoming game, blew into Saturday. Jo, Hailey, and I spent the entire day preparing for the dance. We had our nails painted, hair curled, and perfectly applied our make up. The three of us were at Hailey’s house waiting for our dates and the forever long hour of photos that our parents would make us endure before we left for dinner.
I was smoothing my dress into place when I saw the look of longing on Jo’s face as she twisted her bracelet around her wrist.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
Jo looked at me and forced a smile. “I’m fine, just….” She sighed. “I’m re-thinking going alone.”
“You’re not alone; you’re going with Hailey and me.”
“And Hailey and you both have dates.”
I frowned, feeling bad for Jo. I knew she wanted to be here with Nikki, and it sucked that she didn’t feel like she could do that. “We’re your dates first,” I said.
Jo smiled.
We walked down the stairs, peering over the railing to see Darren’s mom adjusting his tie. Ian was showing his mom how to work their camera. When we reached the botto
m of the staircase a small cluster of our parents, for once including my mom, neared. Their cameras snapped away, giving even the best paparazzi a run for their money. After my mom and Ian’s mom were satisfied with photos of the two of us, I grabbed Jo. We posed for the camera for a good fifteen minutes before pulling Hailey in with us for a few shots as well. After all, we couldn’t start the night out without posing like Charlie’s Angels.
Dinner was at this little Italian restaurant in town. When we walked in there were three other tables with kids from our school. I sat with Ian on one side of me and Jo on the other, my attention divided between the two of them the entire night. Jo was quiet while Ian told long stories. I’d try to pull her in on our conversations, but it always felt like I was forcing it. I was grateful when our food arrived, but worried thoughts about Jo still raced through my mind.
Then the oddest thing happened. I reached for my fork and…it moved. It moved so quickly that I wasn’t sure it’d really happened. One second my fork was beneath my fingers, the next it was an inch to my left. I stared oddly at the silverware, then cautiously picked up my fork. For some reason I expected it to do something, to shock me or move, but nothing happened. It was just a fork. I shook it off as nothing.
The rest of dinner was better. Conversations revolved around school, and everyone got involved. Time passed with smiles and laughter and I could tell all of us, including Jo, were having a good time. It wasn’t until we got to the dance that I saw that longing look she’d had when we were getting ready return to her eyes.
We all danced together when we first arrived. The music was upbeat, and the strobe lights pulsed to the rhythm. But when the lights dimmed and a slow song came on, the whole room partnered up. I watched Jo wander to a table by herself. I stared at her over Ian’s shoulder, wishing I could pull her out on the dance floor with us – but that probably would have made me a bad date.
I watched as she smiled when a boy sat down across from her. His head turned so I could make out his features better. It was Paul, Jo’s ex. After they’d broken up, we didn’t see much of Paul. He was kind of an artsy guy and our circles didn’t collide much. Jo had always said they were still on good terms. As she talked to him her face lit up. Silently I hoped he’d ask her to dance. Not that I wanted him to come between her and Nikki or anything like that; I just wanted for her to have fun like the rest of us. Then a girl emerged from the bathroom; her white dress swished around her thighs. She walked to where Paul and Jo sat. Paul stood and escorted his date to the dance floor.
