Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  “Enjoy yourself, Beth. You deserve this. Call me tomorrow, okay?”

  I stood there paralyzed. My hand refused to reach for the faded brass door knocker. My knees started to buckle and I stood up straight, forcing them to be still. I couldn’t remember being so nervous, not even speaking before a large audience or going to the hospital to give birth. At least in those circumstances I knew I was doing something I was supposed to do. And I knew who I was. But now I felt disconnected from the woman standing in front of this unfamiliar apartment, unit 3B, just four minutes from the college campus where I had spent so many years striving to earn respect and credibility, only twelve minutes from the home where my husband and my children and their cousins played, unaware of my decline into wickedness.

  I started to think I would stand there all night, never building up the courage to knock, but he must have sensed me there. My breath stopped when I heard the doorknob on the other side turn and saw the door slowly being pulled back. I said nothing. He said nothing. He saw my fear. I saw his need for me to be strong, to forget what I was leaving behind and be his, if just for this one night. But I still couldn’t move. He ran the back of his hand along my cheek and smiled a gentle, innocent, smile, revealing the dimple that had too much power over me. I reminded myself that he wasn’t the type to pressure me or rush me. I felt my breath come back. I inhaled deeply and allowed the corners of my mouth to rise, but just a little. A loud bell startled me and I heard the echo of young laughter coming from the direction of the elevator. The thought of students who might know me. I pushed Dave back and stepped into his apartment, gently closing the door behind me.

  My eyes tried to survey the room I had entered, but they couldn’t fix themselves on anything for long. Everything was a blur. Nothing was distinguishable. The images and colors melted together into a soupy mush. A gray or maybe dark blue couch, a basic dining room table, pine or possibly oak, a large window with an unmemorable view.

  “Do you wanna sit down?” I nodded and followed him to the couch. He sat down close to me.

  “Do you want a drink?” I shook my head. I didn’t want anything that would make my head feel fuzzier than it already was.

  “Something to eat?”

  I shook my head again and remembered the sensation of him feeding me Brie in my dream the night before.

  “What?” he asked.

  “Nothing.” I heard the defensiveness in my voice. I didn’t like that my reaction to the memory of that dream was so transparent.

  Dave scooted a little closer to me on the couch and put his hand on my knee, massaging it very slowly through my jeans. A spark traveled quickly up my thigh. I turned to him and looked into his eyes. I could see compassion but also longing in them. He wanted to put me at ease, but didn’t know how.

  “What am I doing here?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m so glad you came. Sometimes I forget that you’re real.”

  I nodded. “I know what you mean.”

  He moved closer and ran his fingers through my hair. We both let out a small giggle when he got tangled in a curl resting on my shoulder. I caught a faint hint of his apple shampoo and felt lightheaded.

  His lips moved toward mine and I stood up. I paced the room. I did want to kiss him, but I was afraid. I was afraid of where it would go from there. I was afraid that it was too soon. Maybe if we talked a little first. Maybe if he could reassure me that everything would be okay.

  “Do you want me to play the song I wrote for you?”

  “Yes. Please.”

  He left the room to get his guitar and I sat back down on the couch. I was in a daze. Nothing was real. I thought about running for the door. But my feet stayed planted. As he walked back into the room, I noticed the way his tan striped shirt fell unevenly over his Levis, unintentionally emphasizing his athletic frame. I couldn’t wait to touch him. Soon, I told myself. Take it slow. Calm yourself and enjoy each moment. Just relax. Just be.

  He sat with his legs crossed on the floor in front of me warming up on his guitar and as I watched the desire to touch him and kiss him grew stronger. But I told myself to play it cool, at least in the beginning. If he had enough restraint to play music for me instead of insisting on undressing me the minute I walked in the door, then I could wait too. I reminded myself that I was the one who had pulled away moments earlier when he moved in for a kiss. I regretted that now. I had been afraid, but now after being in his presence, smelling him, seeing the curve of his bicep and those striking green eyes looking into me, the urgency surged. Watching his index finger gently stroke the strings, I wanted to put it in my mouth. He was focused on his instrument, seeming almost to forget that I was there. This made me want him even more. But I had to wait.

  He finally looked up at me and shook his head.

  “I can’t do it. It’s not ready. I need to work on it a little more. This one chord just doesn’t seem to fit and… ”

  “No. You have to sing it for me now. It’ll be perfect to me. Please, Dave.”

  He still seemed unsure. I got up and walked over to him. I kneeled down right in front of him and took his face into my hands and pulled it toward my own. I kissed him harder than I meant to and he responded instantly. I couldn’t get enough of him. It felt as if no matter how much our bodies connected, I would need more. I wanted to crawl inside his skin and wrap myself around his bones. He pushed up against me, my breasts pressing into his hard chest. Waves of ecstasy traveled up and down my legs, between my legs, my nipples fully erect and throbbing with excitement.

  He eased me down on the floor and straddled me, kissing me with so much force I could barely breathe. His hand reached down the front of my shirt and forcefully freed my left breast, which he then buried his face into. As he took turns kissing and caressing both of my breasts, his erection grew and he pressed it into me in a circular motion. His movement was stimulating me in exactly the right spot even through our clothes and I felt the familiar tornado swirling between my legs. I was almost at the point of no return. No, my mind said. Not yet, not like this. It’s too much, too soon. I was struck with the overwhelming fear that it would all be over in minutes, right there on the living room rug. And then what? I didn't want it to be that way.

  I tried to catch my breath.

  “Dave. Wait. No, please.” He didn’t hear me. He was circling one of my nipples with his tongue and twirling the other with his thumb and forefinger. The combination of pain and pleasure was perfect.

  I spoke a little louder. It was hard to get the words out.

  “Please. Not yet. The song. Dave, please. The song first. Then after. After the song, Dave, please. Not yet. Not here.” He rolled off of me and lay on his back breathing heavy.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just. It’s just... ” More heaving and gasping for air.

  “I know Dave. I know. I feel the same way. But I want it to be… I don’t know.”

  He sat up and looked into my eyes.

  “I know how you want it to be. And I do too. I got carried away. Just give me a minute, okay?”

  I kissed his lips lightly and he slipped away to another room. I stretched out my legs and stared at the ceiling, breathing deep into my chest, pondering the unfairness of it all. Why did I have to feel this way about him? Why did something that was so indescribably pleasurable have to be so wrong?

  He was gone for what seemed like a long time. When he returned, he picked up the guitar and tried to smile but the angst in his facial expression made me think that maybe this was as hard on him as it was on me. His hair was messed up in exactly the same way it had been when he left the room and I realized he was gone all that time just trying to gain his composure, not to check himself in a mirror or to leave me wondering when he’d be back. I felt like the most selfish person in the world.

  I watched as he positioned his fingers on the neck of his guitar and began to play the music and sing the words he had written for me.

  “The great universal coincidence randomly
placed us both there. I went to sit in the back but then I saw your face and I found myself in the front chair.”

  I studied his lips while he sang, the words of the song fading in and out in my mind. He looked like a completely different person while he was singing. Older. Sadder. Wiser. His song told the story of a young man falling in love with his teacher and finding her again later, at a time when she was vulnerable and open to his tentative invitation. It told the story of forbidden love and the gripping power of uncontrollable lust. The chemistry between two people, which could not be denied or ignored. With each line, it felt as if I were falling deeper and deeper into some kind of well and I couldn’t imagine how I would be able to claw my way back out. I didn’t actually know if the song was well written or if the combination of notes was pleasing. I couldn’t hear it that way. All I knew was that it was a love song written for me, and I believed without a doubt that this was, and would always be, the most romantic moment of my life.

  Chapter 25

  When he finished singing, I stood up and went to him.

  “I don’t know what to say. Thank you isn’t enough.”

  “No. It needs work. I’ll make it better.”

  “It’s perfect. Don’t change a thing.” I kneeled in front of him and stroked the hand that still held the neck of the guitar.

  “What’s your favorite song?” he asked.

  I was afraid to answer. I didn’t want to draw attention to our age difference. My mind searched for something from the last two decades that seemed favorite song worthy.

  “I don’t really have one.”

  “Well then what’s a song you like a lot?” I looked up at the ceiling searching for something that wouldn’t be embarrassing. But all that kept popping into my head were theme songs from Disney movies.

  “Actually I do have a favorite song. It’s just… ”

  “What? Tell me.”

  “Well, it’s old, like me.” His face lit up and I got the feeling he wanted to tell me something.

  “What?” He looked into my eyes and stopped smiling.

  “You’re not old. And you’re so beautiful. But you don’t realize it.” That word again. I wanted to believe him.

  “You looked like you wanted to say something else, just a minute ago.” His lips slowly curved into a big grin again.

  “Have you ever heard of the website hotprofessors.com?” I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

  “Please don’t tell me you put my name on there.”

  “It wasn’t me actually. I just checked to see if you were there and you were. In fact, you have thirteen hot ratings.”

  “Hot ratings? What the hell does that mean? Forget it. I don’t want to know.” He laughed.

  “I know. It’s stupid. But you should know I’m not the only one who thinks you’re hot.”

  I brushed the hair off his forehead and it was even softer than I expected. I ran my fingers through the thick strands just above his ear and he closed his eyes. I moved closer to him and put my face in his neck. I inhaled deeply, the intoxicating apple scent flowing into my nose and mouth. I pulled back.

  “Your hair. That smell. I love it.” I wanted him to tell me the name of the shampoo. I wanted to have it in my home, to be able to smell him anytime I wanted. But he didn’t tell me. Instead he pulled me into him and kissed me. I kissed him back, hard. The tingles started up again, this time in my chest and arms. The guitar still sat in his lap.

  He gently pulled away from me.

  “Wait. You still didn’t tell me the name of the song.”

  “Well, I don’t know if it’s my favorite, but it always made me feel… I don’t know… something I can’t explain. It doesn’t matter though. You probably don’t know it.”

  He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose. “Just tell me!”

  “It’s Imagine, by John Lennon.”

  “Mmmm,” he said as he slowly moved his head up and down.

  “Now I remember.” My expression must have showed my confusion.

  “You told us. In class.”

  “I did?”

  “Yeah. You’d be surprised by how much I remember about what you told us. Especially when you talked about your personal life.” It scared me to think that he knew me so well. He touched my chin and then put his fingers back on the guitar.

  “Imagine there’s no heaven.”

  I covered my mouth. I was shocked that such a young man would know how to play the song. But then I should have known. This young man was different. That’s why I was there.

  “You may say I’m a dreamer.”

  My breathing was choppy and shallow. I sat still, staring at him as his mouth formed the words I knew so well. For that moment, I decided that God had played a cruel trick on me, setting me up in a life with one man and then showing me the man of my dreams, laughing all the while because there would be no way for me to really be with him.

  I blinked back tears. The emotion was overwhelming. When he finished the song, I took the guitar from him and placed it against the wall. He stood up and our bodies locked into one another. I put my cheek against his and wrapped my arms around him.

  “Thank you.”

  “I finally got to serenade you.” His stubble massaged my cheek as I moved my face slowly to the point where our lips were almost touching.

  He kissed me slow at first. But I wanted more. I searched for his tongue with mine and he responded quickly. He ran his hands along my arms and up and down my back and started to lift my shirt from the back. I pulled away a little.

  “Is there somewhere we can…?” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

  He took me by the hand and led me through a hallway into his bedroom.

  The room was dark and almost empty except for a tall dresser and the bed, which was neatly made with a dark blue and green plaid comforter. A tall tree swayed in the wind outside the third floor window, creating a moving shadow on the opposite wall. The swaying branches transfixed me. Somehow it felt comforting, to have a little bit of nature, right there in the room with us. I followed Dave to the bed and sat down next to him. I thought of all the times I had dreamed of being there with him.

  We embraced again, kissing lips, necks, chests, exploring body parts we had only imagined. I melted as he took his time with each of my ears, kissing, licking, sliding the lobes between his lips. I felt self-conscious about my body. He whispered, “You’re so beautiful” at exactly the moments I needed him to. He went slowly, undressing me one garment at a time. When my upper body was exposed, he took a long look and I moved to cover myself, but he wouldn’t let me. There was a bit of light coming through the window and I worried that he’d see my imperfections, that full as they were, my breasts couldn’t compete with the perky never-nursed-a-baby ones he must have been used to. But the way he touched them, the way his hungry mouth devoured them convinced me that mine were the only ones he wanted.

  When he lifted his face to bring his lips back to mine, I reached around his back to lift up his shirt. I nuzzled my face into the small, soft patch of hair on his firm chest and ran my hands up and down his strong arms, across his flat stomach, and down lower, feeling his pulsing erection. I wanted it desperately and at the same time I was afraid of it, its size, its power, its potential to change my life. I moved my hand away and caressed his thighs and his torso. But he took my hand and put it back and I let go and allowed myself to enjoy becoming acquainted with this new part of him. My hands made their way around and up and down, slow, and then a little faster. He moaned.

  Just as I was slipping his boxer shorts down to his ankles, I heard a loud noise, a door slamming. I instinctively grabbed the blanket and yanked it up to my nose, even though the bedroom door was closed. Dave sat up straight. “It’s okay,” he whispered in my ear.

  “Ronald?”

  “Hey, dude.”

  “Uhh, Ronald, I thought you said you’d be out late tonight.”

  “No worries man. I know ya got your mystery lady i
n there. Hi, mystery lady. Just forgot my weed. I’ll grab it and be outta here in a flash.” I held the blanket up until I heard the door slam again.

  “Did he say his weed? So he… do you?”

  “No, no, I don’t. Really, I don’t.” I believed him but the thought made me uncomfortable. Maybe it was the age difference. Maybe the stage of life difference. If I were his age, I might be asking if he could get some from his roommate. I tried to slow my breathing and stop the stream of negative thoughts.

  “Don’t worry. He won’t be back.”

  He climbed under the blanket and kissed the crease between my breasts. Then he slowly moved down to my belly button. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, to get back to the place I was before pothead Ronald barged in. But the darkness I was hoping for did not appear. Instead my mind took me to my wedding day. No, no, not now, I thought. I saw Rick as the confident young man who stood across from me looking into my eyes, ready to pledge himself to me forever. He was so young. Not much older than Dave. No gray in his hair yet. I tried to push the images away. No, no, not now. You’ve already made your choice. There’s no going back.

  Dave moved down lower, almost reaching his final destination.

  “I do,” I saw Rick’s lips saying. I could feel his hands holding mine. Then I looked out into the crowd and saw his mother, his sister, my parents, and all our friends. I turned to the priest, whose lips were mouthing the words, “forsaking all others,” over and over. I felt Dave’s fingers down below now, parting me, preparing me, but I clamped my legs shut just as I could feel his mouth moving closer. He peered out from under the covers.

  “I can’t do it. I thought I could. But I think when it comes down to actually... well, you know… I’m not gonna be able to. It’s not fair to you. We should stop now.”

  He moved up closer to me and took my face in his hands.

  “It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We can stop whenever you want to. In fact, I don’t want to go all the way tonight either. It’s too soon. I’m not that kind of guy.” He smiled. I felt my heart open wider for him. “Can you just let me do something for you? You do so much for everyone else. I want to make you feel good. Nothing else. I promise.”