Is This All There Is?

by Mann, Patricia

  I nodded.

  He disappeared under the blanket again and picked up where he left off. This is it. This is as far as it’ll go, I told myself. I’ll just let him do this for me. It had been years since Rick had done it. I deserve this, I told myself. I tried to let go. Tried to let myself feel the pleasure. Deep breaths, in and out, focusing on the graceful movement of the shadow leaves on the wall. It took a little while but finally I felt myself forget the world around me. I caved in to the physical arousal. He knew what he was doing. Every inch of my body started to tingle. The pressure was just right. My head started to spin. I was again approaching the point of no return and then the ringing started. It took a moment for my mind to shift gears and place the sound. My cell phone.

  He stopped and waited for my response. I gently pushed him away and sat up, trying to catch my breath, feeling disoriented. He inched up and out from beneath the blanket and searched my face for a reaction. The ringing continued.

  It was coming from the living room where I had left my bag. I covered my body with the blanket and walked to the phone. I held it in my hand as the words “home calling” flashed. I stood there, a marble statue during the ringing, for the minute or so after it stopped and then when the little voicemail icon appeared on the screen.

  It’s fine. Everything’s just fine. When I get home I’ll just tell him I didn’t hear it. It happens all the time. Don’t lose your cool over this, Beth. But then the phone started to ring again.

  Chapter 26

  “I know where you are.”

  “What are you talking about? I’m at the restaurant with Shelly.”

  “Then put her on the phone.”

  “What? Why are you...? I don’t understand.” I prayed that he couldn’t hear me struggling for air.

  “Put Shelly on the phone goddamn it.” There’s no way he could know, I told myself. It’s something else.

  “She’s outside, on the phone with Max. They were arguing again and… ”

  “Bullshit. Stop lying to me Beth. I know.”

  “You know what?”

  “I know about Dave.”

  I focused on an empty beer bottle on the kitchen counter to stop the walls from spinning.

  “I know you’re with him. I know you’re at Dave’s apartment.”

  Hearing Rick say Dave’s name, hearing him say that he knew I was with him was too much for my brain to process. The real world and the fantasy planet I had been living on collided and I crumbled to the floor in a heap, the blanket still wrapped around my naked body. Dave peered into the room from the hallway, with his boxer shorts back on and a horrified look on his face.

  “Beth? Are you there?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “You need to come home right now.”

  “But… ”

  “I know where he lives. You get in your car and come home right now or I’ll come and get you.”

  “But… the kids.”

  “They’re gone.”

  “What? Where?”

  “With my mother.” I gasped.

  “Did you… ?”

  “No, I didn’t tell her. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to. Just come home now.”

  I couldn’t move after the call ended. I heard Dave breathing a few feet away. I didn’t want to look at him. I was afraid to see something in him I hadn’t seen before. Maybe terror – the fear that my husband would brutalize him. Maybe rage – that somehow I had been careless enough to get caught. I pulled the blanket tighter around my body and forced myself to look in his direction. I didn’t see any of what I expected to see in his face. There was still a hint of the horror, but I also saw determination, a readiness to fight. He walked toward me with slow, deliberate steps and sat down on the floor in front of me.

  “Leave him.”

  The words were so unexpected I thought maybe I heard them in my own head rather than out of his mouth.

  “I mean it. I want you to leave him and be with me.”

  He was serious. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  “There’s no way. I couldn’t.”

  “You don’t love him anymore, do you?”

  It was hard to answer honestly, but I knew I had to. It felt as if I was stepping back into my old skin. The lies were over. I didn’t have to lie anymore, to anyone. Despite the chaos I knew was awaiting me, that part actually felt good. I took a long breath.

  “I do love him.”

  “But you told me… ”

  “I never said I didn’t love him. It’s just different from the way it is with you. You couldn’t possibly understand. I’ve been with him for so many years. We have children.”

  “I know. I know all that. But I also know that he doesn’t make you feel the way I do. He doesn’t give you what you need, what you deserve.”

  “Well maybe I haven’t been giving him what he needs or deserves either.”

  “No. I don’t believe that. I know you. I know how you are. I love you, Beth. We can do this. We’ll make it work.”

  My eyes landed on the layer of dust coating the apartment’s cheap eggshell louver blinds. Beyond them two white plastic chairs faced one another on a minuscule balcony.

  “Please stop. You can’t ask me to think about… not now. I have to deal with my situation, my family. I need space. Can you give me that?” He nodded.

  “I have to go.”

  “No, don’t leave.”

  “But I… ”

  He leaned in and kissed me with more force than he ever had before. I put my arms around him and dug my nails into his back, responding to his kiss. The way we held on to each other reminded me of the way Sam clutched his snuggle bear the first night he had to sleep alone. I let go of the blanket and felt the warmth of his bare chest pressed against my breasts. Our mouths were locked, our bodies pressed together so tight I could hardly breathe. The pace of his pounding heart synchronized with my own. Part of me wished I could stop time and stay in that moment, in that kiss, forever, leaving everything else behind. The other part of me felt the tug of my children, my truest, deepest loves, who needed me to get the hell out of there and start to sort out the puzzle pieces of my life so they could have me back. It was hard to pull away, but I had no choice.

  “I can’t do this now. I have to leave.”

  He watched me as I dressed myself. It wasn’t that I enjoyed the exhibitionism, but it felt like the least I could give him after all I was putting him through.

  We embraced for one last long, agonizing hug with no promises of when our next contact would be. As I moved toward the door, he grabbed a plastic CD case from a nearby shelf and handed it to me.

  “I recorded the song for you.” I pressed it against my heart and smiled with gratitude.

  When the door was closed behind me, I stared at it, wondering if I’d ever be back. I wanted to pound on that door and ask him to hold me longer, to help me summon up strength for what I had to face. But there was nothing more he could do. The next leg of my journey would be a solitary one.

  In the car, I tried to imagine a life with Dave. I pictured us in our own apartment making love day and night, in the kitchen, in the shower, on the dining room table. I saw him singing to me as I sipped wine and seductively lowered strawberries into my mouth. But I couldn’t stop another image from creeping in. Sam and Jack, older, angrier, jaded, sitting with arms crossed in that same tiny living room where their mother engaged in acts they couldn’t imagine with a man who was not their father.

  “Why don’t you at least have a PlayStation here for us, Mom?”

  I imagined trying to explain to my children that I didn’t have a PlayStation for them because my young boyfriend was still trying to finish college and we were broke.

  The sound of my cell phone ringing startled me back into the moment. I slammed on the breaks and came within inches of rear-ending the car in front of me. My heart rate shot up and I turned onto the next small street and pulled over. I tried to slow my breathing and brace myself for th
e call.

  “Where are you?” It was a tone of voice I had never heard before, in all the years of knowing him. Rage mixed with fear and pain.

  “I’m not far. I’ll be home in a few minutes.”

  “Why didn’t you leave right away? You should have been home already.”

  Again, lying didn’t seem to be an option anymore.

  “I was saying goodbye. I had to say goodbye. I’ll be there soon.”

  I hung up. Anger welled up in me. I hated Rick for not kissing me. I hated Dave for crawling under my skin and refusing to get out. I hated my father for passing on his adulterous genes. I hated my children for making me love them so much that I had to weigh all my choices against their every need and want.

  I looked up as if I could see right through the roof of my car and into the heavens and screamed so loud the words clawed at my throat as they made their way out.

  “Why God? Why? Why me? Why is this happening to me?”

  There was no answer, but suddenly I found myself laughing. Tears streamed down my face as I lifted the water bottle from my cup holder and toasted out loud.

  “Here’s to you, to the men in my life who have pushed me over the edge.” I was laughing hysterically now.

  “Cheers to all of you, and to hell with all of you: Rick, Dave, Dad.” I paused there. The laughter stopped, but the tears continued, spilling down my neck and onto my lap. I turned to see the empty seats that Sam and Jack usually occupied. I rocked back and forth, imagining that they were there with me in the car, knowing that if I could just see their smiling faces for one second things wouldn’t seem so bad. I realized I had to pull myself together. It was time to go home. Still, I was desperate for someone to help me start to make sense of things.

  I quickly dialed the number I couldn’t have imagined I’d be calling that night and got back on the road, driving at a snail’s pace. I was disappointed to hear the outgoing voicemail message but it didn’t matter. I would put my plea out there and have faith that help would be on its way.

  “Shelly, it’s me, Beth. I’m so sorry. You were right. I got caught. Everything’s a mess. I know I was a bitch, but well, I could really use some support right now. I’m heading home to face the music. Please call me tomorrow.”

  I could see him from the doorway as I entered the house. He was sitting on a chair in the dim light, staring at the floor with his hands in his lap.

  “So did you fuck him?”

  Chapter 27

  “No!”

  “You did, didn’t you?”

  “No, I didn’t. I wanted to, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t betray you that way.” I was surprised by the confidence in my own voice.

  “No more lies, Beth. Just tell me, Jesus I can’t even… ” He got up and walked toward me. He pulled at the button of my jeans but his hands were shaking so much he wasn’t able to open them.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I want to see your panties. Show them to me.”

  “What? Why? I don’t…”

  “Just show me!”

  He reached for the button again.

  “Don’t touch me. Fine. I’ll show you.”

  I unzipped the zipper and folded down a flap of my jeans to reveal pink cotton panties with little purple flowers. I couldn’t remember why I had chosen that particular pair. I hadn’t been thinking clearly all day.

  “Pull them down all the way.”

  “No. Stop it, Rick. Can you let me try to explain?”

  I took a big step back and struggled to quickly button the jeans back up.

  His eyes flashed, a panther ready to pounce.

  I left him standing there and headed straight for the open bottle of Merlot that was sitting on the kitchen counter. I filled two glasses with unsteady hands, watching as little red drops spilled down the side and onto the beige countertop. He was back on the couch now, so I set one of the glasses on the table in front of him and sat down in a chair beside him. We sat there quietly sipping for several minutes.

  He turned to me and looked into my eyes and finally I could see the deep pain beneath the anger.

  “How could you, Beth? I never thought... ” He looked away.

  “I don’t know. It’s not something I ever thought I would do. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “What did you do there tonight? I can’t believe you went to his… What did you do with him? I want you to tell me every detail.”

  “We didn’t do that much, really, we just… he sang a song, a song he wrote for me. It was sweet, gentle. I never thought any of this would hurt anybody. It started out more like a friendship. He listened to me, was interested in me, it was just a flirtation, but then I don’t know, it got away from me and… ”

  He grabbed my purse and dumped all the contents out onto the coffee table. Then he pulled the CD out of the pile. “Is this it?” He was waving it in the air, taunting me with it. “Is this the fucking song?”

  I nodded and gulped hard to swallow the tears.

  “Give it to me… Rick please don’t… ”

  He bent it back and forth over and over until the plastic snapped in half and little silver strips of the label sprayed into the air like confetti. I watched as he slammed the pieces onto the coffee table.

  A stabbing pain into my chest, the sudden realization that I would have to give this up, this drug that had pumped life back into my veins and caused me to feel things more intensely than I had in well over a decade.

  I picked up the broken pieces and stared at them as I spoke.

  “We didn’t do that much. Mostly just kissing. Just a little more, not much.”

  I looked away but the contempt in his eyes still seared through me.

  “Well it’s not like you’ve kissed me lately. You don’t even notice me. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

  I looked back up at him and saw that his eyes were wild again.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean… I just meant… ”

  “Are you saying this is my fault?”

  “No, I’m not saying that, but… it’s complicated. I just wish you could try to understand what this feels like for me.”

  “What this feels like for you? I’m the one who just found out his wife is screwing someone else.”

  “Stop saying that! I wasn’t… I didn’t… It isn’t like that. Why can’t you just…?”

  I stood up and walked around the room to calm myself. When I sat back down on the chair across from him, I could feel his eyes boring into me.

  “Did you tell him you love him?” he asked in a soft voice.

  I shook my head and kept my eyes on the floor.

  He leapt up off the couch and put his face close to mine. “When are you going to stop fucking lying to me?”

  “Okay, I told him, but he said it first and I felt like I had to, and I just meant… as a friend.”

  His eyes widened and he exhaled loudly.

  “You are something else, you know that? God, I can’t believe this. I know, Beth. I know.”

  “What? What do you know?”

  “Everything.”

  I shouldn’t have had the wine. I didn’t know what he was talking about.

  “What does that mean, everything?”

  I was back in Dave’s apartment for a brief moment, the phone ringing and ringing, when would it stop? I looked at Rick now, my head exploding, my body still in a state of arousal so intense it would take hours to subside. Ringing and ringing… the dizziness.

  “I know about Dave.” My mind replayed the moment he said those words over and over.

  “So, you’re telling me that you told him you love him as a friend?” The sarcasm and disdain in his voice sliced through me.

  “Well, maybe it wasn’t exactly… ”

  “I read everything, Beth. I found it all. The emails. The instant messages. I know everything.”

  My body went numb. There would be no coming back from this. A long silen
ce followed.

  “You must hate me.”

  He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

  “I don’t hate you. But I don’t know you anymore and I can’t… I just can’t do this… I have to get out of here.” He grabbed his keys and bolted for the door to the garage.

  “Wait. Where are you going? When are you coming back?”

  He didn’t answer. He slammed the door so hard the entire house shook and my body shivered as I heard his car peel out and race down the street, slowly fading into the distance.

  I lost track of time as I sat there, in the same chair I found him in when I arrived. I stared at the floor going over and over everything, trying to figure out what to do next. Nothing made sense. It took a few seconds for me to come back to the present when I heard familiar voices and laughter outside the front door. I frantically scraped the mess on the coffee table into my purse.

  Chapter 28

  “So, Tom’s doing much better. They said he was very lucky. If the bullet was just an inch lower it could have hit a major artery.”

  I tried to collect my thoughts and not let on to my mother-in-law that I had completely forgotten that her daughter’s husband had been grazed by a bullet on that very day. If only I could be so lucky, I thought. My bullet had traveled straight through the left ventricle.

  “Oh I’m so relieved. I was… we were all so worried.” The words left the aftertaste of artificial sweetener in my mouth. I wondered if she noticed that I couldn’t meet her eye.

  Sam was chasing Jack around the room pretending to shoot at him with a gun he had fashioned out of Legos.

  “Sam, stop it. That is so inappropriate after what happened to your uncle.”

  “But Mom, when Grandma Lucy took us to uncle Tom’s and he got back from the hospital, he told us the whole story about how he caught the bad guy even after he got shot. He showed us how he pulled out his gun and…”