500 Days

by Jessica Miller

  “Is it true?” she asked, Jasper. He nodded his head yes and then Declan was crying with us on the grass. I remember being carried to the car and inside Jasper’s house. I even remember being tucked inside the covers on the spare bed in the guest room. I barely flinched when Jacob punched the wall after Jasper relayed the news to him. I was numb to my surroundings and everything around me. I heard voices echoing in the distant but I was barely able to decipher anything anyone was saying. I knew Declan had checked on me several times, asking me if I was hungry, thirsty, and what not. I overheard Jasper tell Jaxson it was an IED. He never had a chance.

  I closed my eyes tight, whispering his name over and over. “Jack.”

  “Alex?” I heard a familiar voice, gentle, calming. “Alex.” A soft hand landed on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked at the beautiful storm of colors brewing before me.

  “Casper, what are you doing here?”

  He pulled back slightly. He looked almost afraid to touch me as if I was a wild animal about to attack. “Jasper asked me to stay, but if you want. I’ll go.” He stood up to leave.

  I sat up quickly, flinging an arm out to stop him. “No, don’t go,” I said a little too desperate. He hesitated until the tears started spilling down my face again. “I don’t want to be alone right now. Please, stay.” He nodded as I moved back and made room for him. The instant his arms wrapped around my frail body I began to cry. Tears soaked my pillow and shirt. Casper turned me to face him, holding me close to his chest as he gently caressed my hair. No words were exchanged, but there didn’t need to be. There was nothing that could be said, nothing that could have changed the outcome of this morning. Casper let me cry in his arms all night until I fell asleep. Even when I woke up screaming, he was there to comfort me and calm me down.

  In the morning I felt like a zombie, walking around the house like a slightly deflated balloon. I walked out into the living room, past Jaxson and Declan on the couch, past Jasper who was on the phone in the kitchen. I walked right up to the wall of pictures. Everywhere I looked there he was. Pictures of him in Iraq, in his uniform, and Jacob’s graduation. Pictures of us growing up, family dinners, and one with our dad. All of us together as a family. I felt a burning in the pit of my stomach. I stared at the picture of our dad until the burning grew out of control. I screamed. Tearing every single picture off the wall and breaking the glass on anything I could find. I shattered anything I could get my hands on.

  Tattoo covered arms gripped my waist, pulling me back. “Alex,” Jasper said, trying to calm me. I thrashed and screamed, trying to get out of his hold. “Alex, stop.”

  I fought him. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to hit something, break something, anything. Jaxson tried helping Jasper calm me but I wouldn’t listen. My screams woke Casper. He rushed down the hall to see what was happening. “Let her go,” he said calmly.

  “Not until she calms down,” Jasper said while dodging my fist.

  “She’s not going to calm down if you keep holding her down like that.” I knew Jasper didn’t know how to handle me and trusted that Casper did. I felt his grip loosen. I broke free and turned on him, needing an outlet. I pounded and flailed my fists onto Jasper’s chest. He just stood there like a statue, taking the beating.

  “It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be him. He was supposed to protect us,” I cried, slowing my swinging arms, losing the fight I had left in me. Jasper grabbed my wrists to steady me. He fell to the floor with me and let me cry in his arms. He cried along with me.

  After my outburst, Casper took me into the bathroom to clean up the cuts on my arms and legs from the broken glass. I allowed him to do so without a word. We barely spoke to each other since the news broke about Jack, but then I barely spoke to anyone. I was starting to wonder if my voice even worked anymore. I watched as Casper attentively dressed my wounds. He was gentle to the point where I think he thought I’d freak if I suddenly remembered who it was who was touching me. “Have you eaten anything today?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “Alex,” he frowned. “You need to eat something.”

  “Don’t,” I warned, feeling the rush of pain start to boil in my chest. I closed my eyes and took a breath.

  I could feel him sigh. “Why don’t we get you back to bed?” I let him guide me back to the bedroom. Once safely tucked away, he ducked out of the room, leaving me to the mental torture I’d been subjecting myself to. Sometime in the middle of the night I felt a dip in the bed and then strong arms wrap around me. I tucked my arms around his and relaxed into his body.

  I woke up alone, to the smell of breakfast food wafting through the door. I carried my aching body out to the kitchen where I found everyone sitting around the table. “Hey,” Jaxson said. “Casper made us all breakfast. Why don’t you sit down and eat?” I nodded. It was more a robotic action. Casper pulled out a chair for me as he set a big pile of eggs on the table.

  “Thank you,” I whispered. He gave me a small smile as he returned to the stove to finish up. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and sipped it slowly, afraid of how my stomach would react. We all sat quietly; eating the breakfast Casper had so kindly made for everyone. When I was done, I sat on the couch, and stared blankly at the TV. “Where’s Declan?” I asked.

  Casper sat down next to me. “She went home to clean up. She said she’d be back a little later.” I nodded. “I called all your professors and got you an extension on your finals. I also swung by your place to check on Lucky.” I had forgotten about him in all the mess. “He’s fine,” he assured me.

  “I think I should go home and shower. Get some clean clothes.”

  Casper agreed and drove me to my place. I told him he didn’t have to stay but he insisted. I didn’t argue. I didn’t have the strength to. I spent a long time in the shower, trying to wash away all my grief, but the water burned my cuts, causing a painful reminder of everything I had lost. I cried. I cried until the water turned cold. Shivering, I stepped out of the shower, and wiped away the fog on the mirror. I looked like death. Dark circles engrossed my puffy eyes. My skin was blotchy and pale and I looked like I hadn’t slept in days, which wasn’t far from the truth. I struggled to brush my teeth, trying not to lose it again.

  I tried to get dressed, but that took too much effort. Instead I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes.

  Chapter 25

  Casper

  I walked into her bedroom to check on her. I found her passed out on the bed, still wrapped up in a towel. I pulled the blankets over her, making sure not to wake her. Then I kissed her temple gently before closing the door behind me and headed out into the living room. I called Declan. “Yeah, she’s finally sleeping.” I heard Declan let out a sigh of relief. Declan confessed to me she’d never seen Alex like this, but who could blame her. I didn’t think anybody could anticipate what the repercussions would be of losing someone you loved, a brother.

  “I’m gonna stay here and make sure she’s okay, but I need you to do me a favor.”

  I asked Declan to come keep an eye on her in a little bit. I had some errands to run and I did not want to leave Alex alone. That was the last thing she needed. As silly as it sounds it’s almost as if I could feel her pain. My heart broke over and over again watching her go through this. I knew hovering over her wouldn’t help. So I gave her her space when she wanted it and stayed with her when she asked me. I let her come to me and I did not dare ask her if she was okay. I hated when people did that. She just lost her brother. Of course she wasn’t okay, but I knew she would be. She just needed time to heal. I was going to be here for her as long as she needed me. I would stay until she told me to go.

  Declan stopped by sometime around noon. “She still sleeping?” I nodded, grabbing my keys.

  “This won’t take long. I promise.”

  “Casper?” I turned to look back at Declan. “Thank you, for everything. I can’t imagine this is easy on you.”

  “No, but that’s not what’s important. The o
nly thing I care about is making sure Alex is okay. I’ll deal with my bullshit later. Alex is the most important thing right now.”

  It only took me an hour to get everything I needed done. I headed back to Alex’s to find her awake and on the couch talking to Declan. “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey,” she replied.

  “I’m going to see if Jasper needs any more help with the arrangements,” Declan said, leaving us alone.

  “I got you a new phone,” I said, handing her the box.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I figured since I was the cause of breaking your old one, I owed you.”

  “Casper, about that –”

  I shook my head. “It’s nothing you need to worry about. It’s in the past. What’s done is done. I just want you to concentrate on you. That’s all I care about right now.”

  “Thank you,” she said. “For everything. You really didn’t have to do all this. I’m sure the last thing you want to do is babysit an emotional crazy girl.”

  “There’s no other place I’d rather be.” For the first time in days, Alex smiled a real, genuine smile. My pulse quickened the second they caught sight of those luscious lips. I turned my head away. I couldn’t be tempted. I had to keep my head on straight because I knew when this was all over. That was the end. I was only a temporary fill in to mend a broken heart. A heart that I had already broken and now, at the loss of her eldest brother. I was afraid it was destroyed. I was scared of Alex losing herself to the grief. I never saw her so vulnerable before and sometimes when I touched her I thought I would break her.

  Alex decided to stay at her place tonight. She said she needed a break from the madness. I suggested Declan come back and stay with her, but she said no and asked me to stay instead. I did as she requested, trying to keep a safe distance between us by sleeping in the recliner in the corner. Alex told me I was being ridiculous but I told her I was trying to be respectful and thought it safer this way. The more time I spent with her, the more I was becoming comfortable, like the way things used to be. I couldn’t let that happen. If I did, it would be that much harder to have to leave her again.

  Alex’s screams woke me up. I jumped up out of the chair. She sat up in the bed gasping, clawing at her sweat soaked clothes. She ripped off her shirt and threw it to the floor. I quickly turned my back to her. “Alex?” I said softly. I heard her gasp as if she forgot I was there. “Is there anything I can do?”

  “Um,” she quickly pulled the covers up over her. “Could you get me a clean shirt?” Her voice was tiny and frail.

  I dug my thumbs into my eyes and walked over to her dresser, retrieving a dry shirt for her to put on. I handed it to her and kept my back turned until she had it on. “You can turn around.”

  “You wanna talk about it?”

  She shook her head no. “Can you, um, just lay with me?” I wanted to be strong and say I shouldn’t, but the scared look on her face when she woke up screaming, and the sadness in her eyes told me I would be a jerk if I didn’t offer her the comfort she was seeking. I knew that’s all she wanted and I would give it to her. I would do anything for her. No matter the consequences.

  The morning of the service, Alex had reverted back to her state of oblivion. Her body was going through the motions but no one was there. I watched as she struggled with her emotions. One minute she was fine and the next she was running. I kept a safe distance, allowing her time with her family, but close enough so that if she needed me I was there. Alex barely spoke at the church and I worried she wasn’t going to make it through this. She took my hand as we walked outside to the cars. I rode with Colton while she rode with her family. Alex sat with her brothers in the front at the cemetery, insisting I sit with her. I told I would be right behind her the whole time. I stood with my hand on her shoulder, letting her know I was just an arm’s reach away. She cupped her hand over mine, squeezing softly. She flinched when the guns went off, letting me know there was still some life in her yet.

  Chapter 26

  Alexis

  I sat at Jasper’s table, staring off into nothingness. The entire day was a blur. From the moment I woke up to the second we returned to Jasper’s. He welcomed a few friends and family over to pay their respects. Apparently that’s what you did. You entertain people and thank them for coming to a funeral. I never understood it, but who was I to judge. I played back the day. I couldn’t get it out of my head. It still seemed all so unreal. I remember staring at my dress on the bed. It was my mom’s. One of the few things I had left that was hers. I wondered if she knew. I wondered who told her. Did she have someone there to comfort her? Was she all alone? I brushed the wrinkles out of the dress, caressing the soft cotton fabric beneath my fingertips.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure if I could handle this. I knew once I saw him in that casket it would be real and I didn’t think I could face that. So far everything had felt like a horrible nightmare, but now, reality was slowly seeping in. I fell to my knees clutching the dress in front of me. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stand by and watch them bury my brother. The one person who had helped me survive.

  “Alex?” Casper knocked on the door.

  I pulled myself together and stood up. “Yeah,” I croaked out.

  “Are you almost ready?”

  “Yes. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  “Okay, I’ll wait for you in the living room.”

  “Be brave, Alex,” I heard Jack whisper. I gathered strength from his words and slipped into the dress. Sliding on my shoes, I grabbed my coat and walked out, closing the door behind me.

  “Let me help you with that,” Casper gestured to my coat. I slid my arms through as he tugged the jacket around me. “Are you ready?”

  “No, but do I have a choice?” He pulled me close, placing a soft kiss on my temple. I walked with him outside where there was a car waiting.

  “I’ll be right behind you,” he said, handing me off to Jasper. I nodded, taking Jasper’s hand as he helped me into the car. I sat next to Jaxson, Jacob on his right whose face was stone cold. Jasper squeezed in next to me. I took his hand, holding it tightly in mine. Nobody said a word on the way to the church. Jasper rested an arm on the door while he stared at the passing scenery, his eyes red from recent tears. Jaxson rested his head back against the seat, eyes closed, and Jacob, Jacob was angry. I barely spoke two words to him since Jasper came to tell us what had happened. I leaned forward to rest a hand on his knee. He jerked away from me. Jaxson put a hand on mine and shook his head, telling me to leave it be. I took his advice and sat back. I knew we all grieved in different ways. I was proof of that. If Jacob needed to be angry then I was not going to stand in his way.

  The ride to the church felt like an eternity. The car pulled up to the curb and Jasper stepped out, leaning back down to offer me a hand. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t figure out how to make my legs work. I didn’t want to step out of the car. Maybe if I went back home, I would wake up tomorrow and this would all just have been a nightmare and Jack would still be here.

  “Alex,” Jaxson said softly. I took Jasper’s hand bracing myself for the events ahead. I didn’t even make it two steps before my legs gave out. Jasper and Jaxson caught me and held me steady on my feet. “You’re the one who holds this family together,” Jack had said. “We need you just as much as you need us.”

  “Ha-ha, very funny Jack.” Jasper and Jaxson looked at each other like I lost it. I stood up straight and held my head higher. “I’m okay. I got this,” I told them. I took a nervous step forward, afraid my feet would betray me, but I managed to keep myself steady. Unsure what to do, Jasper and Jaxson just stood there, preparing to catch me if I fell.

  “It’s okay, I got her,” Casper said from behind us. I let him guide me into the church. I took each step one at time at a painstakingly slow rate. “Take your time,” he whispered. I think my head bobbed, I wasn’t sure. I no longer had control over my movements. It was like my body was
involuntarily moving for me. Once we reached the church door, I took a moment to collect myself. When I was ready, Casper held the door open for me and then hung up our coats in the closet.

  I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see. I wasn’t ready to make it real. I walked down the aisle. My feet wobbled beneath me. “I won’t let you fall. I’m here with you every step of the way.” I looked up into Casper’s eyes and focused my attention on them. He still loved me. I could see it. I could feel it in the way he touched me. And right now it was just all too much. I ran out of the church and down the steps, across the street. The only thing that stopped me was the chain linked fence. I looped my fingers around the cold metal, biting the inside of my cheek to keep down the scream that was creeping up the back of my throat.

  “Alex!” I heard people calling my name but the voices seemed so far off in the distance. I felt a hand on my shoulder. Instinct kicked in and I turned around swinging. “Whoa!” Jasper said, ducking. “Alex, are you okay?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I’m not okay. We’re burying Jack, Jasper. That’s Jack’s body in that coffin. I’m never going to be okay with this. It’s Jack, Jas. I don’t know how I can go on without him.” I could no longer hold in the tears. “I don’t know how I’m going to go on living without him.” For the first time in a long time, Jasper said nothing. He just took me in his arms and hugged me. I cried on his shoulder. Soon I was encased in a cocoon of arms; Jaxson, Jacob, and Declan. I let out a shuddering breath and dropped my arms, feeling claustrophobic.