500 Days

by Jessica Miller

  Jasper took off his coat and handed it to me. I reached inside his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes and lit one up. “Hey.”

  “Don’t start,” I warned. Jaxson took the pack and helped himself to one.

  Jasper turned to Jacob. “Don’t you dare.” He held up his hands in defense. Jasper looked back at the church and then to me. “They’re ready,” he said. “But if you’re not. Fuck it. I’ll make’em wait. It’s not like he’s going anywhere.” Jasper caught himself at the last second. My eyes went wide and then, I lost it. I started laughing. I laughed so hard my side hurt.

  “That’s not funny Alex,” Jacob growled.

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Then why are you laughing?”

  “Because it’s better than losing it,” Jaxson said, speaking up for me. Jacob didn’t comment, instead he stormed off.

  “We should get going,” Jaxson said. I followed the boys back into the church and with a push I managed to make it to the front of the church without any problems. My body came to a standstill when I saw the casket.

  I felt a familiar hand in mine. “It’s okay. You can do this,” Casper said. I squeezed his hand and took a seat in one of the pews. I stared blankly as several people spoke. I heard nothing. I was losing my grip on keeping it together. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Through the next hour and all the way to the gravesite I went through the motions, but I wasn’t there. A few people said their condolences, but I just nodded like I was programmed to.

  I sat in the chair, clutching Casper’s hand as they lowered the casket into the ground. I wanted to jump and throw myself on top of the coffin and beg them not to put my brother in the ground. I wasn’t ready to let go. I needed more time. I just needed my brother Jack and now he was gone. My brothers and I were the last to leave. They had to practically carry me out of the cemetery.

  After the service I played the part. I thanked everyone for their kindness and food, made sure everyone was comfortable or had something to drink. I washed the dishes just to keep myself distracted and so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone any more.

  “Alex?” I almost dropped the plate at the sound of his voice. Colby was the last person I expected to see and the last person I wanted to see. I turned to face him, not even bothering with pleasantries. “I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I know that’s lame.”

  “Considering the source, I say that’s just about right.” I turned back to my dishes.

  “I know you’re pissed at me and you have every right, I just want to let you know I really am sorry about Jack. He was a great guy and didn’t deserve to go out like this.” I dropped the plate in suds splashing water over the sides.

  “Everything okay?” Casper asked, walking into the kitchen. He had the best timing. He took one look at Colby, eyes narrowed.

  I wiped my hands on the towel. “Can you take me home?” Casper held out his hand for me. I took it and left Colby in the kitchen. I didn’t even bother to say goodbye to anyone. I just left, needing to get away.

  Casper walked me to the door and made sure I got inside. “Declan told me she’ll be sleeping here tonight so you won’t be alone.”

  “Okay.”

  “Well, I guess, this is goodbye.” The way he said it seemed final, like he was saying goodbye for good.

  “Casper, wait.” He stopped two feet from the stairs. “Will you stay with me?” His torn expression told me he was leaning towards no. “Just until Declan gets home.”

  “Yeah, I can do that.”

  I let us in and was on my way to my room when I noticed Casper wasn’t following me. “Maybe we should wait out here on the couch. Watch a movie?” He looked nervous and I didn’t understand why, but the last thing I wanted to do was watch a movie.

  “I really just want to lie down. I don’t think I could handle watching a movie.”

  I watched him swallow the lump in his throat. “Um, yeah, okay.” This time I didn’t bother to wait and see if he followed.

  I kicked off my shoes in the closet. When I heard him approach I turned around and pointed to my zipper. “Do you mind?” He hesitated a moment. I could feel his hands shaking as he undid my zipper. His fingers slipped, brushing the sensitive skin on my lower back. My body yearned for his touch, to feel his embrace. I leaned back wanting more, but he pulled away. My skin turned cold at his release. “Thanks,” I mumbled. I could feel his warm breath on my shoulder. He was so close I could taste him.

  I turned around to find a storm brewing in his eyes. I grazed my fingers across his cheek. “Casper.”

  He grabbed my wrist. “Alex, don’t.”

  I took a step back. “Don’t what?”

  “It wouldn’t be right.”

  “Jesus Casper, when the fuck did you grow a conscience?” I pulled off my dress and threw it on the floor of the closet then walked to the dresser to look for a shirt.

  “Don’t turn this on me. I know you’re hurting, but I’m not going to let you use me just so you can forget. You left me, remember. You don’t get to have me whenever you want. It doesn’t work that way.”

  I slammed the drawer shut. “Don’t stand there and act like a fucking saint. You’re right. I broke up with you. So get out. You’re no longer needed.”

  He scrubbed his hands down his face and growled, frustrated. “Alex, I’m not going to leave you here by yourself.”

  “I don’t need you to babysit me Casper. I’m not a child.”

  “You shouldn’t be alone. I don’t know what you’re going through right now and I’m not going to begin to try, but I won’t let you destroy yourself in the process.”

  “What the hell do you think I’m going to do? Why is everyone so worried I’m going to go off the deep end? Yes, I lost my brother. My brother,” I stabbed my chest. “The only person who loved me for me. The person who raised me and was more like a father than a brother. So yes it hurts,” I could feel the wetness dripping down my cheeks. “I lost the one person who kept this family together. So forgive me for being a little fucking emotional!”

  “Without Jack, there’s nothing. There’s just a broken family without the glue to keep us from falling apart. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.” I buried my face in my hands and cried. Casper walked over and wrapped his arms around me, gently swaying me back and forth.

  “Alex, everything will be okay.”

  I shoved him away. “You don’t know that. Jack’s death is proof. He used to tell me that all the time and now he’s dead. Who’s going to be the one to pick me up when I fall? Who’s going to tell my other brothers to back off when they’re being dicks? Who will be the one to make sure everything is going to be okay?”

  Casper grabbed my shoulders and stared me straight in the eyes. “I will, if you let me. I love you Alex, always have and always will. No matter how many times you push me away I will always be here. Just let me be here.” He pressed his hand to my heart and I nearly lost myself. I collapsed in his arms. “You don’t have to be scared Alex.”

  I tilted my head until our eyes met. Raising my hands to his cheeks, I lifted up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. I melted in his arms. I hadn’t realized how much I missed those lips until I was touching them. I felt him kiss me back, but only for a second. He broke the kiss. “Alex, I can’t.”

  “Casper, please don’t say no. I need you, please.”

  “Alex, you have no idea what you’re asking me.”

  “Please,” I begged, just needing to feel, something, anything. I’ve been numb for a week and I was afraid this feeling would never leave. I didn’t want to stay an empty shell.

  “Alex,” he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

  “Just give me tonight. All I want to do is feel something, anything. Please just give me this one night and you can walk out of here a free man.”

  “That’s the difference between you and me Alex. I don’t want to walk out of here. You are where I belong. You are my home.”

  “
Casper, I can’t.”

  “It’s the only way Alex. The only way I’ll give you what you want is if you give me what I want.”

  “What’s that?” I asked, voice shaky.

  “You.”

  “You have me,” I said, crashing my lips into his. I would have said anything to get him to stay. I knew this was a mistake. I knew I would regret this in the morning when I told him it was still over, but just for tonight it was just us. I needed the release, an escape from reality, and Casper was just the perfect person to help me with that.

  Casper took his time. I didn’t rush him. I wanted to remember and feel every movement, every touch. His fingers stung my skin making me yearn for more. He was very attentive to every single need and made sure I was cared for in every way possible. It was almost as if he needed to commit every inch of my skin to memory, like he secretly knew this was the last time he would be able to touch me.

  His fingers, calloused from years of playing guitar, danced delicately across my skin. Starting from the tip of my toes, he worked his way up the back of my calves, stopping behind my knees, tickling me to the point where I almost couldn’t take it anymore. Spreading his hands wide, he gently pushed apart my thighs, exciting me in places I never knew existed. I barely kept it together when he pressed his lips lightly below my wetness. My legs began to quiver as he teased me with his warm breath. He was so close and it took everything I had not to smash his face down between my legs where I was aching for him. I slid down lower on the bed. He pulled back just enough to keep from making contact. I tried again but he pressed his thumbs hard on my behind, keeping me planted where I was. I could hear him chuckle lightly.

  “Always in such a rush. Just relax.” That was hard to do with his lips so close. Finally, he spread me wide, dipping his tongue in deep. I let out a cry of relief. My hands shakily ran down my stomach and found their way into his hair. I pulled lightly as he dove deeper, making my clit swell from all the insane things he was doing with his tongue. I swear it was magical. No one had ever made me feel the way he did. It was like he knew me inside and out, top to bottom, front to back. If I was a map of the world he explored every single continent, country, and state. Sucking gingerly, he moved down lower. I bit my lip and for a second I thought I drew blood. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I fell apart inside his mouth. I grasped his hair tighter, pushing my hips up. Giant hands moved across my stomach, slamming me back down on the bed. “Stay put,” he growled. And to ensure I did, he held me down, which only intensified the sensation.

  Burying his head back in between my thighs, he worked me into a frenzy. He licked, sucked and nibbled until I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried out, gasping and moaning so loud I’m sure the neighbors heard me. Even after I came he still didn’t stop. He licked my over-worked clit until I had to force him away. It was just too much for my body to handle. I wiped the sweat from my brow as he reached up to touch my face. “Did I ever tell you how good you taste?” He rubbed his thumb over my bottom lip, staring deeply and intensely into my eyes.

  I hated looking into those beautiful blue-gray eyes knowing I was going to crush his heart tomorrow. But I knew it was better this way. Pushing his thick hair back from his eyes, I kissed him. I kissed him so hard it hurt. I could feel his erection on my thigh and all I wanted now was to have him inside of me. I wanted to feel his hardness pulsing as he thrust deeper. I knew he knew it too. Swiveling his tongue around mine, he bit down slightly, backing away and pulling me with him. I dug my finger nails into his backside and guided him to where I wanted him, where I needed him. But he had different plans. Before I could pull away, he shoved me back against the bed, slipping his tongue inside my mouth roughly, moaning. I could feel the vibrations in the back of my throat. I loved when he kissed me hard. I loved when he kissed me softly. I just loved when he kissed me. He always knew exactly what I wanted. He knew when to be tender or to take it to the next level and play around. This man knew more about my body than I did.

  Most people would tell me I was a fool to let him go, but they didn’t understand. I already lost so much and I knew if I opened up my heart to Casper, I was afraid I would lose myself or worse, him. I thought it was better to let go of something I never really had in the first place. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could love him with their whole heart.

  He was the first to break the kiss. Pressing his forehead to mine, he whispered, “I love you, Alex.” I closed my eyes, fighting the tears that were slowly creeping their way out. My emotions betrayed me and exposed the coward that I was. “Hey, don’t do that,” Casper said, swiping his thumb across my cheek.

  “Kiss me,” I said, slamming my lips to his. He pulled back. “No, don’t,” I sobbed. “Please Casper,” I begged, needing him. He relaxed, pressing his body on top of mine. I let out a gasp when his hips began to grind against mine. Reaching down in between the thick tangle of skin, I jerked once on his long, bulging shaft. He grunted, tangling his fingers in my hair and pulling my head back roughly to expose my neck. With his other hand, he cupped my breast, circling his thumb over my extremely sensitive nipples. His lips trailed down the side of my neck, leaving goose bumps in their wake. Kissing the base of my throat, he worked his tongue up and over my chin. I twisted my thumb over the tip of his penis causing him to bite my lower lip. He didn’t reject when I slipped him inside of me. We both let out moans at the contact. Slipping back out again, he rubbed himself against my sex before pushing himself back in. We both needed this. I could feel it just as much as he could. This was where it all made sense. This was where we came together. Our bodies moved as one, in perfect sync with each other.

  I could feel my insides turn to mush as he pushed himself deeper, lifting my legs and bending my knees to my shoulders so he could get even deeper. I could feel myself start to come undone. Knowing I was close, he picked up speed, slamming into me so hard I thought I would break. Taking a breast in his mouth while caressing the other, his grip tightened as he shoved himself in and out of my wet, swollen sex. “Casper,” I moaned, needing him to finish.

  “Look at me.” I closed my eyes not able to meet his. “Alex, look at me…Alexis.” I blinked back the tears that burned my eyes. He was the only one who could completely tear me down just by saying my name. Carefully positioning himself so he was resting above me, he placed both hands on the sides of my face. “Alexis, open your eyes.” I forced my eyes open. He kissed me gently, parting his lips so I could explore his tongue with mine. His movements were slow and deliberate. I closed my eyes again. “No, look at me.” Not wanting to deny him his last request, I obeyed. The cold steel of his piercings rubbed against mine, tugging lightly. Just a few more pushes and I was screaming his name. He came apart above as he sent me into another climax. Arms shaking, he tried to steady himself so his weight wouldn’t crush me, but I wanted to feel the pressure. I wanted his full weight and body on top of mine. Tightening my legs around his hips, I pulled him down on top of me as he cried out, burying his head in my hair until his breathing was steady.

  He kissed me just below my ear, then my jaw and chin before he returned to my lips. He rolled off of me and I rolled over on my side facing away from him. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want him to know how much I was hurting. Before I knew it the tears came faster and harder and my body started to shudder from my sobbing. Casper rolled me over to face him. His face was contorted with concern. He wrapped me up in his arms and held me close to his chest. “It’s okay,” he soothed. “It’s all going to be okay.”

  Chapter 26

  Casper

  When I woke up Alex was gone. I didn’t think too much about it, figuring she was in the bathroom or getting something to eat. I got dressed and walked out into the living room to find it empty. What I found instead was a note.

  Casper, I’m sorry, but I know deep down you knew this would never work. I never wanted it to end this way but I knew you would never let me leave and I didn’t want to fight. I can’t thank y
ou enough for all you’ve done for me over this past week. You helped me get through something I never thought I would survive. I owe you for that, but what you want from me, I can’t give you. I’m sorry for the cop out. You deserve better and I hope someday you realize how right I am. And maybe someday you’ll forgive me for this letter. If not, I understand. Please know that I never meant to hurt you.

  -Alexis

  I crumbled up the paper and threw it aside, storming out of the apartment and slamming the door so hard I heard a crack. I didn’t bother to look back. I didn’t care if I broke it or not. I hopped in my car and drove straight to Jasper’s where I knew Alex would be. I wasn’t going to let her walk out on me again. She thought I deserved better, but the funny thing was, I thought she deserved better than me. There was no one else for me besides Alex. She was the only one I ever wanted. The only one I ever needed. No matter how hard it would be to prove that to her, I would. I would find a way to show her my life was nothing without her.

  I pounded on Jasper’s door, ready to break it down if I needed to. I knew I would have to fight my way in and I was prepared for it. My anger was rising with each thump of my fist. “Alex, I know you’re in there!”

  Jasper was the one who swung the door open, looking as mean as the day he first found out I was dating his sister. He stood there with his arms crossed, creating a barrier to the inside. “Where is she?”

  “She’s not here.”

  “I know she is. I just need to talk to her.” I tried to get past him but he put a hand on my chest.

  “I wouldn’t go there if I was you.”

  “Well you’re not me.” I looked over his shoulder. “Alex!” I yelled.

  “I told you she’s not here,” he said, stepping to the side to block my view.

  “And you’re full of shit.”

  Jasper turned around to close the door. I leaped for the entrance thinking he was trying to shut me out. He grabbed a fist full of my shirt and knocked me back a few feet. “You need to chill the fuck out. Now.” He closed the door behind him and turned to glare at me.