Rage to Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  “I can’t believe you talked me into wearing a red dress.” I checked the mirror to fix my hair.

  “Forget your hair for a second.” Jo tugged me by my arm and brought me into her bedroom. The long-sleeved red midi-dress lay on my bed. I had been fine with it before my shower, but now it taunted me, making my anxiety flare up.

  “I’ll help you with your hair so you won’t be embarrassed. As for the dress—” She took it off the bed and held it out to me. “—you’re going to look gorgeous in it. You need to bring color back in your life, and this dress is a start. Put away the dark clothes and the oversized shirts and jeans. Stop hiding behind your clothes.”

  “I’m not trying to hide behind my clothes that you love to criticize.” I snagged the dress away from her and held it in front of me as I checked my reflection in the mirror on the closet door.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “The pj’s you’re wearing tell me otherwise.”

  “What’s wrong with my flannel pajamas?” I waved my arm, the underside of my sleeve flapping.

  “You either wear those oversized man pajamas or some faded holey T-shirt and sweatpants.” She shook her head with an expression of dismay.

  She was seriously ragging on what I wore to bed? I could have commented about her addiction to nighties, but then she might really go after me. For now I’d keep my opinion to myself.

  “Can we concentrate on more important things? My dad is going to be here in less than fifteen minutes, and I’m still not ready!” I thrust my fingers through my hair, my frustration mounting.

  “Chill. It only took me twenty minutes to get ready, and I look marvelous.” Flicking her hair over her shoulder, she bowed.

  “You’re used to getting all dolled up. I’m not.” I lowered the dress, rubbing the fabric with my thumb. “I don’t just want to impress my dad. I want to look good for Arielle.” My chest clenched, and my stomach gurgled. “I’m meeting her parents for the first time. Also, her brother will be there with a zillion other people—”

  Jo moved behind me and set her hands on my arms and her chin on my shoulder. She stared back at me through the mirror, totally calm, while I vibrated with an edgy impatience I hadn’t felt in a long time. It had been way too long since I’d wanted to impress people, or rather a specific person, with the style of my hair and what I wore.

  “I’ll take care of you.” She patted my arms and stepped back, leaving me in front of the mirror.

  “Why am I freaking out about something as stupid as wearing this dress?” I shook out the dress, the red color suddenly too bright.

  “Because you’ve started to care about yourself again, and you want to feel good.” Jo went over to my dresser and took out one of my bras and some underwear. “Go put these on with the dress. Then I’ll fix your hair and makeup.” She ran her finger under her mouth. “You want to wear makeup, right? Not just lip gloss?”

  I had slowly weaned myself back onto makeup, but only cover-up and lipstick. Since it was a special day, I should go all out. It would be another step forward.

  “I’ll go full face. Your scarlet lipstick will probably work with what I’m wearing.” I didn’t sound too sure, but I did like the color of Jo’s recent lipstick acquisition, even though she owned a ton of others like it.

  Her entire face brightened, and she clapped. “Of course you can borrow it. Your mouth is made for red lipstick.”

  I snorted. The too-bright lipstick would make my pale face look even more washed out. But wearing it was a chance I would take. Today was all about taking chances, something I had slowly started doing again.

  THE FRONT door opening, and the voices of my uncle and father, made me pause at the top of the steps. After Jo had helped me get ready, I stayed in the bedroom to grow accustomed to the person staring back at me in the mirror. She was the same but also different. Jo’s crystal flower barrettes and red lipstick made me appear older but also confident, perhaps even bold.

  And then I did something else I had been missing for so long. I smiled long and wide, a full-blown one that made wrinkles around my eyes. For once it felt good.

  More voices filled the air, mainly from my aunt and uncle. My father asked my whereabouts. Their responses were too soft for me to hear.

  The anticipation while I waited ate away at me. I need to get it over and done with and stop obsessing about it. For some reason I still held the tube of lipstick. Wrapping my fingers around it helped me step down until I reached the bottom of the stairs.

  Dad took off his coat and handed it to Uncle Abe. Other than his hair cut shorter and a new sweater, he didn’t look much different than when he’d dropped me off here in August. It was a subtle thing, but the exhaustion lines marring his face last year had vanished. No glassy eyes filled with worry or nervous facial tics.

  The landing creaked. Dad turned in my direction. He stopped midsentence and just stared at me with his jaw lowered. Now I knew where I got that trait. His eyes darted up and down as he scanned me all over, stopping back on my face.

  “Hey, Dad.” I stepped off the landing and toward him.

  Off to the side, my aunt and uncle, along with my cousins, watched the scene unfold.

  “Whoa, Charlie’s wearing a dress!” Beau said, and everyone laughed.

  Dad didn’t crack a smile, but his eyes glistened.

  My own vision blurred.

  “You look beautiful,” he said after clearing his throat a few times.

  I wiggled my nose to stop it from tingling. My breath hitched, but I continued standing there instead of darting from the room. Dad inspected me closer, the shock on his face making my face warm.

  “You’re wearing makeup?” The corner of his mouth lifted.

  “Today I am.”

  He nodded and held out his hand. This time he made contact with me, and I let him embrace me in a hug.

  THE BENCH groaned under my weight as I rocked it with the toe of my boot. The late afternoon temperature dropped as the sun set, near freezing. I could have made my phone call inside instead of out in the cold, but I wanted to clear my head.

  I was also waiting outside for another reason. Arielle was picking me up. I wanted to meet her first before I introduced her to Dad. He didn’t know I wouldn’t be staying to share dessert with him. He might be upset. But he was here until Monday. We’d have enough time to catch up and hopefully not let the past push us further apart than it already had.

  Arielle texted she was on her way. I also received another text from Matilda. I had meant to call her today. It had been too long since we’d last talked on the phone, all stemming from my meltdown a few months ago. But the plan for her to stay with me for Christmas break was still moving forward.

  I snuggled down in my scarf and kept rocking, the creaking of the bench the only sound. That was, until the front door opened and Dad walked out with his coat on.

  “Mind if I join you?” he asked.

  “You don’t like the cold, though.”

  “I’ll take my chances.” He sat next to me but with enough space between us. “You’re just like your mother. She loved the winter and the cold.”

  “You hate this weather,” I said, watching the vapor from my mouth swirl in the air.

  “Remind me why I now work in Canada. It’s colder there.”

  Explaining why he’d transplanted would be a really bad idea, even to joke about. Things were good between us right now. I didn’t want to ruin it. “Not interested in watching football like Uncle Abe, Paul, and Beau?”

  “Not right now. It’s more important I spend time with my daughter.” He hunched down in his jacket as he sprawled out on the bench.

  I found myself doing the same. Another trait we shared.

  “Four whole days to spend together. Hopefully we won’t kill one another,” I joked.

  “I’d rather we get on each other’s nerves or you get annoyed with me than not speaking to me at all.” His voice, muffled by his coat, didn’t conceal the meaning of his senten
ce.

  “Even before, we didn’t speak all that much. We were too busy with our own lives.” I twisted toward him. “You with work and me with school and my friends.”

  “You’re a typical teenager with a single parent.” Disappointment rang out from him. I couldn’t tell who it was for.

  “Yeah, but a damaged one with a father who doesn’t know how to help his daughter.”

  “I’m trying my best, but you—”

  “Dad, please.” I hated how we always circled back to my assault, as if it were the only important thing in our lives.

  His jaw was rigid, and his lips were even tighter with strain. He wanted to say something else, probably something that would upset us both. I waited for him to ask about me seeing a therapist. I still hadn’t been able to.

  He sighed, adding a snort through his nose. “Your aunt tells me Matilda may visit between Christmas and New Year’s?”

  “Probably New Year’s weekend.”

  “It’s good you still keep in touch with her.”

  “Why wouldn’t I? She’s my best friend.” Did he think I’d drop Matilda just because I moved away? She had been there for me through all types of crap.

  He rubbed his nose and squinted his eyes. “Now, don’t get upset with me for bringing it up, but there were… times last year when you wouldn’t see or talk to Matilda.”

  I hated to admit it, but he was right. For months after my attack, I didn’t want to see anyone. Then after my suicide attempt, I’d officially shut myself off from the world. “I didn’t want her pity or for her to see how bad I was. I didn’t want us to end up—” I bent forward on my knees, clutching my hands. “—like you and me.”

  The bench creaked as Dad also sagged forward, laying his crossed arms on his knees and hanging his head forward so I couldn’t see his expression. “I’m your father. Nothing will change that. I may have trouble understanding you sometimes, but I’ll never leave you, even though you feel I’ve shut you out.”

  My throat clogged, and my chest grew heavy. “If that’s true, why did you drop me off here with your sister and then move to another country?”

  He spread his legs apart and lowered his hands between them, limp and slack. “I did it for your own good. I wasn’t helping you. It’s not because I rejected you.” He lifted his head. “You’ve thrived here, or so your aunt tells me.”

  I laughed, more along the lines of a sound of disbelief. My nightmares had lessened, and I didn’t jump at every sound or constantly look over my shoulder the way I once had. But I was still anxious most of the time. That was my road to recovery. “You and Aunt Eloise talk about me a lot. What else did she tell you?”

  “You’re doing well at school and have made some friends. You have a good job, and you spend most of your time with Tris at her sorority house or on the campus.”

  Had she told him about Arielle? He would find out soon if he didn’t know, seeing as she would be here any minute to pick me up. “There’s a reason I spend so much time at the AGP house or on the campus.” I sat up and hugged my chest, digging my hands under my arms. “I met someone, an AGP sister who I’ve really connected with. Her name is Arielle, and in a few minutes, she’s picking me up to take me to her parents’ house for dessert.”

  He shifted next to me, sitting upright. Now his hands were back in his coat pockets, and he crossed his ankles. “Eloise mentioned the young lady. She’s the dean’s daughter?”

  “Yeah. She’s the president of AGP, and—” I finally looked him in the face. “—she’s not like Larissa at all. She’s okay with being seen in public with me.”

  Something flickered across his face, but before I figured out what, he hunched back down behind his scarf. “It’s getting cold out here.”

  “That’s all you’re going to say?”

  A black, midsize car driving down the street stopped in front of the house. It was Arielle.

  Dad’s hand came down on my knee. “Just be careful.”

  I’d expected more from him, but he had never been great with advice. He had always let me do my own thing, which had led to failures on both our sides. The only time he’d asserted his will was when he pushed me to accept the settlement. That was one of the few times we’d raised our voices at each other. Now he appeared not to have an opinion either way about me and Arielle.

  Arielle got out of the car and walked up to the house, waving and smiling. I lifted my hand in hello and stood. Dad rose when I did.

  “Hey there.” She climbed up the front steps, stopping a few feet away from me and Dad. She peered at me and then gave her attention to him.

  “Arielle, this is my dad, Karl.” I lifted my shoulder to indicate him. “Dad, this is my friend, Arielle.”

  She held out her hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Wycherley.”

  He took her hand, giving it a pump. “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard many things about you.”

  “Hopefully all good.” She kept holding his hand, staring him in the eyes. She betrayed nothing on her face.

  “So my sister and my niece Tris tell me.” He let go of her hand and curled his arm around my shoulders.

  Awkward. That was the best way to describe it. He might not have the right words, but his actions spoke volumes. The simple action of drawing me into a protective embrace said so much.

  If Arielle was taken aback by his move or the undercurrent of uncertainty, she didn’t show it. She was always cool under pressure. This interaction proved it even more.

  “Maybe we’ll see each other again and talk some more. Charlie tells me you’re here until Monday,” she said in a polite tone.

  “Correct.” He gave my arm a squeeze and released me. “Charlie and I have some catching up to do.”

  “I bet.” She moved slightly to her left and closer to me. “It’s important for a parent to know what’s going on in their children’s lives, or so my dad tells me.”

  “You’re close to your parents?” he asked.

  “Pretty much. I also have a younger brother who’s a student at Maison. A nice perk with our dad as dean and all.” Her eyes glittered with a proud light.

  He must have been satisfied with Arielle for now, because he backed up toward the front door. “These old bones of mine can’t take much more of the cold, so I’m going inside. You heading off now, Charlie, or are you coming back in with your friend?”

  Dad using “your friend” instead of Arielle’s name wasn’t lost on me. He was trying to make a point, one I wasn’t down for. Just because I had been stupid once didn’t mean I would be stupid again.

  I moved closer to Arielle and took her hand. “I already told Aunt Eloise about going to Arielle’s. She’s cool with it.” I could make a point also if I wanted to.

  He lowered his gaze and nodded, his way of admitting defeat. He then opened the screen door and grabbed the doorknob behind him. When he looked backed up, he stared for a few seconds at our combined hands.

  “Okay, don’t be out too late.” He pushed open the door.

  “I won’t.” I started tugging Arielle down the stairs.

  “Nice to meet you, Mr. Wycherley. Have a great night.” She waved at him.

  He lifted his hand and grunted but didn’t go inside. He waited until we were by the car. Arielle opened the passenger door for me. When I was situated, she closed the door, waved at Dad, and got into the driver’s seat. His expression wasn’t as remote as before. He finally went inside and shut the door.

  I exhaled a sigh of relief. Arielle rubbed her palms together as she warmed up the car. “That went well.”

  “You think it went okay? Dad’s suspicious of you.”

  “And he should be. I’m not offended.” She squeezed my shoulder. “He’s just concerned for your welfare and doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

  “He doesn’t know how to act.”

  She pressed her palm on the side of my throat. “Imagine being in his shoes. Not only is he still trying to come to terms with what happened to you last year, b
ut you’re dating again, and with a woman. Any father would have major concerns.”

  “The funny thing is, he never had an issue about me dating girls before. When I first told him, he didn’t get upset or want me to talk to a professional about my feelings. That was one of the things I once admired about him. Most parents would have freaked out or had an ulcer if their child was gay.” A part of me wondered whether, if he had gotten upset when I’d told him four years ago, maybe I wouldn’t be in the situation I was in now. Maybe the events of last year would never have happened. But who could say? Not that I blamed him—

  Arielle kissed my cheek. “If you want, we can go back inside with your family and have dessert with them. My parents will be cool with it.”

  “Let’s go to your parents’ house. It would be too weird with my dad.” I expected him to grill my aunt about Arielle, perhaps even Tris. But that didn’t bother me. I knew they would only say good things about her.

  “I told my parents about you, so you don’t have to worry about getting the third degree too much.” She moved the car out of park.

  “I can’t wait to see their reaction when you introduce me as the younger woman in high school you’re dating,” I said sarcastically, becoming nervous already.

  She pulled out of the spot and then took the hand I had locked around my knee. “They know you’re eighteen and very much legal. I can always tell them you’re my girlfriend to make you feel better.” She winked.

  It took the length of the drive, while she explained all the reasons why she would be the perfect girlfriend, for me to agree with her.

  Chapter SIXTEEN