Rage to Live

by Shirley Anne Edwards

  THE INSIDE of the Forest brownstone smelled of cinnamon and mint, most likely from the pies and other desserts in the dining room. I had expected something more like a mansion with huge rooms and marble, but the house Arielle had grown up in gave off a nice, lived-in, cozy vibe, but with enough space to throw a party.

  At least forty guests had come for after-dinner drinks and desserts hosted by the Forests. They were excellent hosts, mingling with everyone and stopping for conversation. When Arielle returned with me, her parents welcomed me as any other guest. Her mom even hugged me. I accepted her hug without my anxiety flaring up. It helped to have Arielle there holding my hand or my arm while she introduced me to her parents. Her brother also came over and treated me like we were old buddies. Even when Mrs. Forest promised to talk to me later, it didn’t worry me. I actually looked forward to it.

  Now I found a vacant seat, taking a plate filled with various pastries and pies. Arielle left me to get us something to drink but was caught by her father, who was talking to some men near his age. He wrapped an arm around Arielle, and she him. She didn’t have a problem talking to his friends, all of whom laughed and engaged her in conversation.

  People milled around, mainly standing as they ate or drank. Some moved from room to room, but Mrs. Forest was always in sight. A few times she sought me out to make sure I was okay. I didn’t have to lie when I told her I was having a great time.

  I had just finished off a slice of pecan pie, deciding to get more, when Will dropped down next to me on the couch. He didn’t have a plate but a mug with steam and the scent of chocolate coming out of it.

  “Hot chocolate?” I asked.

  “I’m not a big coffee or tea drinker, so hot cocoa it is. Arielle and I are chocolate addicts.” He smiled as he drank.

  “She told me your mother is a health nut. Must have been hard getting your chocolate fix growing up.” I set my plate on my knees.

  “Chocolate was the one treat we were allowed to have.” He slurped and then licked his upper lip with his tongue. “Delish.”

  I swallowed back a giggle. “So, you’ve scavenged for all the chocolate desserts?”

  “Eventually. I’m still recovering from dinner.” He patted his stomach.

  “When I saw the dessert spread, I couldn’t help myself.”

  “There will be mad leftovers, but Mom and Dad always donate to the Albee family shelter and foster-care facility the next day.” He cupped his hands around his mug and rested his forearms on his knees. “Did Arielle tell you I was in foster care?”

  “She said you’re adopted,” I replied.

  “The Forests adopted me when I was five. My mom died of a drug overdose.” He cleared his throat and peered at me from the corner of his eye. “My biological mom and my adopted mom were friends as kids. They went through a lot of shit together, but only one of them overcame it all.”

  I set my plate on the floor next to me and gave his knee a soft pat. “I’m sorry to hear that. It still must be hard for you.”

  He drank from his mug and shrugged. “The first five years of my life sucked, but the family I have now made up for it. I’m lucky. The Forests are great people.”

  “You’re a Forest. They’re your people.” I patted his knee again.

  He nodded and stared into his mug. “Damn, talk about a downer.”

  “Nah, you’re just keeping it real. I can see why you’re always joking and kidding around.”

  He turned toward me with a direct look. “And you barely joke or smile. You’re hiding some deep shit also.”

  I tucked my hair behind my ears but stopped when I felt one of the barrettes. “I’ve been through some heavy stuff. Arielle knows all about it.”

  “Good.” He drank down his hot chocolate and shifted to the edge of the seat. “If anyone can help you find joy in your life, even when you have none, it’s my sister. On that note, I need my next chocolate fix.” He stood and held out his hand. I gave him mine, and he squeezed it. “A word of advice, wear more red. You look hot.”

  I didn’t stop the giggle leaving my mouth as he dropped a kiss on the back of my hand. When he turned around, Arielle frowned at him.

  “You just can’t stop flirting, can you?” She nudged him in the shoulder.

  He shrugged, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout. “I’m a natural-born flirt. Plus, Charlie is on fire in her dress.”

  “Thanks.” I grinned up at him.

  “Aha, that’s what I like to see.” He started to grab for my hand, but Arielle pushed him away.

  “Go charm someone else.” She rolled her eyes and drew me up from the couch.

  “Charming the lovely ladies here tonight will have to wait. I’m off for some chocolaty delights.” He fixed the collar of his shirt over his argyle sweater and, with a thumbs-up and a wink, left the room.

  “Your brother is a real comedian,” I said, meaning it as a compliment.

  “He’s a real character. Was he annoying you?” she asked, concern in her voice.

  “Not at all. We had a nice conversation.” I was really at ease with Will. I hoped we’d talk one-on-one again.

  “He likes you.” She curled her arm around my waist. “My parents do also. Mom is probably going to invite you to brunch with us on Sunday.”

  “Seriously? I only talked with her for a few minutes.”

  “You did something she admired.” She guided me out of the room. “Do you remember selecting desserts and talking to an old woman with a cane? It’s Mrs. Trumbull, one of Maison’s oldest living alumna. You weren’t just polite. You actually wanted to talk to Mrs. Trumbull and even helped her with her plate and found her a seat. Mom saw the entire interaction.”

  My face suddenly warmed. “She’s a sweet woman. I didn’t mind talking with her and helping her pick dessert. It was the least anybody would do.”

  “Don’t sell yourself short.” Arielle nodded at some people as we walked to the foyer. “It’s a little crowded down here. Interested in a tour? I’ll show you my childhood bedroom.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

  I chuckled. “Your excuse to get me alone?”

  “Yeah, and to honestly show you my bedroom. You may get a kick out of it—my parents haven’t changed or remodeled it since I moved to the AGP house.”

  “Sure, why not? But why would you move out of here if you’re close to the campus?” I asked as we walked up the steps.

  “I wanted more freedom. If my parents had said no, I would have continued to stay here. But they wanted me to have the real college life experience.” She stopped at the top and took off her shoes. “These heels are killing me.”

  “No heels for me. Just these boots.” I held out my leg, showing off my footwear.

  “Those look great on you.” She lowered her face, brushing her mouth on the corner of mine. “I forgot to say it before, but you do look amazing in this dress. My brother is right, you’re hot.”

  “And you are also. Are you actually wearing real leather pants?” I stroked her hip.

  She sighed and nodded. “No pleather for me. I won’t even tell you how many sit-ups and Pilates I did in order to fit in these. I may just grab an old pair of sweatpants in my room while we’re there so I can breathe easier.”

  “How long will we be in your bedroom?” I backed up as she motioned down the hall.

  “Long enough for me to get out of these pants and for me to get you out of your dress?” The slight whine in her voice gave me a thrill, one that scooted up my back and down around my front to land in my belly.

  “We’ll see, Miss Forest,” I taunted, walking faster down the hall.

  She came up behind me and halted in front of a white door. “Here’s our stop. I’m next to the other bathroom on this floor.”

  “You have two bathrooms?”

  “Yup. Mom and Dad have a suite around the corner on the opposite end. Will’s bedroom is on the other side of the bathroom.” She took my hand and set it on the doorknob. “Let’s open the door together.” />
  “Okay.” We counted to three and opened the door.

  I entered while Arielle stayed in the doorway. Her room wasn’t too girlish or immature, although the bed had an ivory canopy and there were some leftover pictures on the walls of heartthrobs, both male and female, from movies and sports. “It’s not too bad.” I approached the bed and picked up a brown plush teddy bear. “Aw, how cute.”

  “His name is Mr. Gund. I left him here to remember me by. But when I graduate and relocate, he’s coming with me.” She took her bear and bopped him on my nose.

  I didn’t want to think about her leaving yet. I sat on the bed, wincing when my stomach gurgled. “I ate too many sweets.”

  She shut the door and turned on the lamp on her bedside table. “How about you lie down? Do you mind if I turn off the overhead light and join you?”

  “Sure.” I lay down, rubbing my stomach. “Will you be able to lie down in your pants?”

  “If I unbutton the top button, I can.” She shut off the overhead light and lay down next to me as she loosened her pants.

  “Need your tummy rubbed?” she asked.

  “I can handle it.” I laid my palm flat on my stomach.

  She shifted closer and set her cheek on my shoulder, then dropped her hand over mine. “You’re okay with me here?”

  “I’m okay hanging with you in your bedroom at the AGP house, so this isn’t a problem.” I yawned and turned my head toward her.

  “Sometimes I come here after my afternoon classes are done and nap,” she whispered.

  “Why? You parents don’t find it strange you do?”

  “I’ve been doing it for a while. Mom will wake me up, and we’ll have cheese and crackers with some wine and talk. It’s something we both look forward to.”

  “You and your mom have a great relationship. I used to cook dinner for my dad back when everything was normal. That was the only time we talked, because he always worked such long hours.”

  “You must miss doing that with your dad.” She lifted her head and rested it on her fist.

  “Too much. He always made sure to share stories about my mom then. She died way too young.” I rolled toward Arielle with my knees to my chest. “I wish I’d had a bond with her like you have with your mom.”

  “You did bond with her, because she was your mother.” She stroked the side of my face.

  I closed my eyes, curling into Arielle. “This is nice.”

  “Why don’t you take off your boots?” Her voice sounded more hushed.

  I sat up and did what she requested. She also sat up and tossed my boots onto the floor. My hands found their way into her hair. She froze, letting me pet her.

  “This is nice. Us here together, forming our own bond.” She traced the hem of my dress.

  “Yes, it is.” I swallowed and bit down on my bottom lip as her hand slipped under my dress but stopped, not going higher than the top of my knee.

  “You don’t have to be afraid of me.” Her mouth opened wide enough for me to see her tongue running across her teeth.

  “I’m not afraid of you any longer.” I tightened my fingers in her hair and pulled her near, landing my mouth on hers.

  She gasped, rubbing her mouth on mine. She sucked and tugged on my bottom lip, making me moan. Slipping my tongue inside her mouth, I tasted her, welcoming her dampness.

  She panted into my mouth, and with one last lap, gently pushed me down on the bed. She flattened her palms on either side of my head while I ran my fingers through her curls.

  “I want to do something special for you, to show how much you mean to me. But only if you want to. It might scare you at first.” She brushed her mouth across my chin.

  “Does it involve taking off your pants?”

  She snickered and hid her face in the crook of my shoulder. Her hands found their way under my dress and skimmed up my legs, making me flinch.

  I arched back on the bed as she stroked me. “You want to touch me?”

  “More than that.” She kissed the side of my throat and slid down my front.

  “Oh.” I stared up at the canopy overhead, the warm air suddenly touching my legs as Arielle drew up the bottom of my dress. They were now bare as Arielle held my dress up, placing kisses on my naked skin.

  “Think of it as an early Christmas gift.” She lifted her head, and with her palm up, held her hand out to me. “Do you accept?”

  I bit my bottom lip, staring at her raised hand. If I took it, things would change drastically between us. It would mean I trusted her irrevocably, without any fear or panic. The choice was mine and only mine to make.

  I had to move forward at some point. Why not with Arielle? She had proven to me so many times why she was the right person. Now was the time to jump.

  “Charlie?” She rose on her knees, flicking back her hair. Her hand descended on the mattress.

  I caught it before it landed, lifting it to my cheek and rubbing it. “Yes.”

  She hung her head to her chest and made a fist as I kissed her knuckles. I opened my legs for her to crawl between. Lying back on the bed, we shared a multitude of kisses until my lips became numb.

  Later she gave me an entirely different kiss that made me see stars and erased all my doubts and fears. She gifted me her strength and love in one special kiss that I would remember and cherish, no matter what happened between us, until the day I died.

  Chapter SEVENTEEN

  THE OVERCAST skies and cold didn’t spoil the mood for the crowd as the Christmas tree in the main square was lit by the mayor. It was a forty-foot Douglas fir covered in rainbow lights, complete with a huge star on top. As soon as the lights came on, there were cheers, and a choir came on the makeshift stage to sing carols. I was amazed by the number of people who came out even though it was a frigid evening. The weekend before Christmas was a busy one in Albee. There were many community events celebrating the holiday, some of which had started right after Thanksgiving.

  I had come with Arielle and Tris, who sang carols along with the choir. I preferred to listen than join in with my croak-like singing, but I was in a festive mood, viewing the lit tree to store in my memory banks. I had many new memories preserved over the last few weeks, all because of Arielle. The time I’d spent with her in her childhood bedroom Thanksgiving night had changed many things for us.

  We were now an official couple.

  My girlfriend looked adorable bundled up in her purple puffer coat, complete with a white hat, scarf, and mittens. I wore a scarf, but no hat or mittens. I settled for keeping my hands in my coat pockets, even though I would rather have held Arielle’s hand.

  I shivered as wet flakes started to fall from the sky. Arielle shifted to wrap her arms around my waist. She tucked her chin on my shoulder, allowing her cheek to press on mine. I took my hands out of my pockets, not caring if they got cold, and held her mitten-covered hands.

  “I’m glad I’m sharing this night with you.” She kissed my cheek.

  “Me too. My hometown didn’t have a Christmas tree lighting ceremony or many holiday celebrations.”

  “Albee loves to hype up the holidays. Wait until St. Patty’s Day. There’s a big parade down Main Street. Afterward traffic is shut down because booths are set up to sell arts and crafts. There’s also a big bar crawl. It’s always a fun time.” She rocked me gently from side to side.

  “I’ll have to sit out of the bar crawl for obvious reasons,” I grumbled, for once wishing the drinking age wasn’t twenty-one. It wasn’t because I was interested in drinking out in the open, but I wouldn’t expect Arielle to give up certain things she enjoyed because I was underage.

  “We’ve all been there.” Tris clapped when the choir finished singing.

  Arielle curled her hands over mine to keep them warm. “I usually cut out early because my mom makes an awesome traditional Irish dinner. Her homemade Irish soda bread is to die for.”

  “You mom is a domestic goddess.” My stomach grumbled for some of Arielle’s mom’s homemade me
als. I’d had the honor of being invited to my share of Forest Sunday night dinners. The woman could cook like no one’s business, though Aunt Eloise was also up there. Arielle had gotten her share of Aunt Eloise’s home cooking too.

  While Tris asked Arielle about her mom’s Irish soda bread recipe, I scanned the area as the crowd dispersed. I caught sight of Jo with Marshall and others from the LGBTQ group walking across the street. Jo and Marshall saw me and starting waving frantically. I waved back. Tonight I would volunteer at the local soup kitchen with the LGBTQ groups from the high school and Maison. Also, some of the Greek houses, AGP and Lambda Rho included, would be volunteering there and at some of the cultural centers. Arielle pulled away from me, and I turned toward her but paused when I spotted Robyn on the corner. She stared straight at me, not bothering to hide her loathing. The last time I’d seen her was on Halloween. Even though Arielle never mentioned her, I assumed she had stayed away from her ex or cut off communications because of me. The blatant way Robyn glared at me, as if she wanted to punch me, was enough proof.

  I could have simply turned my back on her, but I had become too proud. She needed to know I wouldn’t be pushed around, and I was no longer playing the victim. I couldn’t help but antagonize her by giving Arielle a hug. Arielle responded by giving me a kiss, which I gladly accepted.

  If Robyn witnessed our public display of affection, I didn’t care.

  No one would steal my happiness away from me again.

  “MAY I please have another brownie?” A little girl, no older than five, held up a plate with crumbs on it.

  I volunteered at the dessert table, mainly giving cookies and other sweets to the kids. This little girl was too adorable for words, with her braids separated by bright barrettes and a happy smile showing off a missing middle tooth. She was dressed in typical jeans and a long-sleeved shirt, almost making it hard for me to believe she lived in a family shelter.

  “Here—take two, but don’t tell anyone.” I set two medium-sized brownies on her plate and was rewarded with another smile, complete with dimples on both her cheeks.