A Matter of Trust

by Anne Schraff

  “I do give him credit for his time, man,” Cooper conceded, “but he’s not for now. Music today tells what’s goin’ on in the ’hood. I can relate to it more than some old guy singin’ about stuff that went down fifty years ago. ”

  “C’mon, man,” Hakeem smiled. “You need to open your mind to something different. ”

  “Yeah, maybe when I’m an old dude myself,” Cooper laughed.

  “So,” Darcy said matter-offactly, “did you get to do anything yesterday afternoon, Hakeem?”

  “Oh, yeah. It worked out real good,” Hakeem answered.

  “I was sorry I had to go home early,” Darcy said, “but Grandma needed me. ” She struggled to keep the bitterness out of her voice. “I’m glad you didn’t waste the afternoon. ”

  Before Hakeem could say anything else, two guys from the track team came over to the table and announced that the team was having a meeting during lunch.

  “I guess I gotta go,” Hakeem said reluctantly, getting up from the table.

  “Coop and I gotta go too, Tarah said, smiling at Cooper. “Coop’s got a test in his next class, and we’re gonna make sure he gets a B. I’ll catch up with you after lunch,” she explained.

  Cooper pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. “Girl, you are worse than my momma,” he said as he walked off.

  For an instant, Darcy was completely alone at the table, and then she spotted Brisana walking toward her, a tightlipped smile on her face. Darcy rolled her eyes and braced herself.

  “I guess you heard about me and Hakeem,” Brisana said.

  “Excuse me?” Darcy said, flipping through her science textbook. “Can we talk about this later? I’ve got some reading to do. ”

  “Hakeem and I went to the beach and went swimming,” Brisana purred, “and, oh, it was so romantic. ”

  “I can’t imagine why you’re telling me all this,” Darcy replied coolly.

  Brisana came closer. “Don’t give me that, Darcy. You’re crazy about Hakeem, but he doesn’t feel that way about you. You’re just another girl to him, and not a very special one either. So now you know how it feels to be dumped. You and I, we were friends, and you dropped me the second you got your trashy new friends. ”

  Darcy looked up, surprised by the rage on Brisana’s face. “I didn’t dump you. I wanted us to stay friends. You stopped being my friend when I started talking to Tarah and Cooper and those other kids. I mean, you wanted it to be just us, but I didn’t want to shut out everybody else. ”

  “You knew how I felt about those two losers—you knew it’d ruin our friendship if you dragged them in. It was like inviting ants to a picnic!” Brisana’s voice trembled with anger. “You knew, but you did it anyway. You were my only close friend. You dumped me so you could get in solid with a bunch of trash. Well, now you know what it feels like to have a special friend you trust and then have that friend ditch you!” Brisana turned quickly and stalked off.

  Darcy was amazed. She had always thought of Brisana as a tough, arrogant person whose feelings never seemed to get hurt. But now that she thought about it, Darcy realized that she never really knew Brisana. They were each other’s lunch companion since freshman year at Bluford. But in all that time, Darcy thought, they had never talked about deep things, real things. They had just been someone for the other person to be with to keep from eating alone.

  But am I to blame? Darcy asked herself, Brisana brought it on herself! She could have joined Darcy and her new friends. It was her choice, her decision.

  When Darcy found Tarah, she told her everything that had happened. “Girl,” Tarah said, “she’s hurtin’. Even mean people hurt. Maybe they hurt worse than anybody. So what you gotta do is reach out to her. ”

  “Tarah!” Darcy almost shrieked. “She’s bragging about going to the beach with Hakeem! I just about hate her! She said she and Hakeem were swimming—”

  “Oh, come on, girl, it’s fifty-something degrees in the water,” Tarah laughed. “You know about that girl and her wild imagination. ”

  “But I know she was out with him, and I’m sure they walked the beach together, and—”

  “Darcy Wills, you set yourself down and listen up,” Tarah commanded. “Hakeem told Coop that Brisana told him he could pick up her brother’s guitar yesterday since he wasn’t doing anything else. Now, what don’t you understand about that?”

  “You mean . . . she was lying about the beach?”

  “Hello? Lights comin’ on in your brain, girl? She is so lonesome and angry all she knows how to do now is hurt other people. You think you are big enough to look past all she’s done and try to make her better, Darcy? I’m gonna be real disappointed if you say no ’cause that means you ain’t as special as I always figured,” Tarah said.

  Darcy shrugged.

  “C’mon, let’s go to class,” Tarah said, putting her arm around Darcy’s shoulder and leading her forward.

  After school, Darcy heard guitar music coming from the courtyard behind the library. She walked over and found Hakeem sitting on a bench practicing on the new guitar. Nearby, Brisana pretended she was reading a book, but from time to time she glanced at Hakeem and Darcy.

  “Hi, Hakeem,” Darcy said. “You sound great. ”

  “It’s this guitar. Makes a big difference,” he explained.

  “Brisana’s brother’s guitar, huh?”

  “Yeah, we got it yesterday. ”

  Darcy looked over at Brisana and shouted, “Hey, Brisana!”

  Brisana hesitated. Darcy could imagine what was going through her mind. What is Darcy up to now? She’s found out from Hakeem that we didn’t have that romantic beach date, and now she wants to humiliate me. Brisana got up slowly, walking warily towards Hakeem and Darcy. She looked nervous, defensive.

  “This guitar is so great, Brisana,” Darcy said warmly. “I mean, it was really nice that you let Hakeem have it. Doesn’t he sound good when he plays? Much better than on his other guitar. ”

  Brisana stared at Darcy, then at Hakeem. “Uh, I’m glad it’s working out,” she mumbled.

  “Yeah, it’s real smooth. Thanks a lot, Brisana,” Hakeem said.

  “Brisana, I’m practicing for the auditions too, only I don’t know what to sing. The auditorium is probably empty right now, and I was thinking of going over there and trying out a couple of songs. Would you come listen and tell me which song sounds better?” Darcy asked.

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, if you’ve got the time. I mean, I’m embarrassed to try out my songs in front of anybody else, but you’ve known me long enough to see me being stupid plenty of times,” Darcy said.

  A tiny smile flickered in Brisana’s eyes. “Okay. Let’s go. But if you stink, you know I’ll tell you. ”

  Darcy and Brisana walked towards the auditorium with Darcy chattering the whole time. “I wanted to sing something new. But Hakeem says I should do a classic song, and my Mom wants me to sing this old Aretha Franklin song from when she was a kid. There’s no way I can sing like her!”

  Darcy nervously mounted the stage with an audience of one—Brisana. Darcy tried her best to get her voice to sound like Aretha Franklin’s. As she finished, Brisana howled, “Give me a break! Oh, that’s so awful that if you sing it, you’ll never live it down! You’ll have to wear a brown paper bag over your head for the rest of the year. ”

  “That bad, huh?” Darcy groaned.

  “Let’s hear one of those songs you did at the freshman talent show ages ago. You did a Supremes song—‘Stop! In the Name of Love. ’ Try that. ”

  Darcy’s self-confidence was shattered, but she did remember doing a pretty good job on that old Supremes song. She sang it for Brisana as best she could.

  Brisana didn’t say anything during the song, but when Darcy finished, she said, “That might work. You’ll have to practice a lot more, but it’s not horrible. ”

  Darcy was very relieved. Now, at least, she knew what she would sing at the auditions. She did not expect to get into th
e talent show, but at least she would not make a fool of herself.

  “Thanks a lot, Brisana. Hey, I got some time before I have to go home. Want to get a sundae?”

  “Our regular sinful sundae with butterscotch and nuts on top?”

  “Yeah!”

  They hurried down the street and settled into the booth on the side where they always used to sit. “Oh, man,” Darcy said, “I haven’t had one of these since . . . you know. ”

  “I know,” Brisana said. She looked right at Darcy, “I just don’t like your new friends. I just don’t. ”

  “I’ve missed you, Brisana. Maybe—”

  “We used to be such good friends, Darcy,” Brisana interrupted, spinning her spoon around in the sundae. “Then all of a sudden you just dropped me, like I never existed. ”

  “That’s not true,” Darcy began calmly. “We never knew Tarah and Cooper, but we said bad things about them anyway. Well, I got to know them and found out that they were really nice. I gave them a chance. You never tried to. ”

  Brisana shifted her eyes to her melting mush of ice cream.

  “Maybe we could get some time together like in the old days, just us,” Darcy said.

  “Yeah, that’d be okay. I’d like that,” Brisana replied.

  “And we could go to the mall again. ”

  Brisana smiled. “Yeah. Man, this sundae is sooo good. I haven’t enjoyed anything like this in a long time. ”

  Darcy smiled back at Brisana. Brisana did not mean she was enjoying only the sundae, but she would never admit it. And Darcy would let it go at that. Like Tarah said once while they were helping set up a neighborhood garden on her block, “Friendships are like trees. If you give them time and space to grow, they’ll get stronger and stronger. ”

  Darcy jogged past the familiar landmarks on the way home—the Asian market, the restaurants. They were all blurs as she ran. She did not want Mom to be late for work, and she had dawdled over that butterscotch sundae too long.

  “I’m home, Mom,” Darcy yelled as she came in the front door.

  “Okay, baby. ” Mom did not seem as rushed as usual. In fact, she looked relaxed. Her hair was freshly done, and she was wearing a flattering new shade of lipstick.

  “Mom, you look great!” Darcy exclaimed.

  Mom giggled. She looked younger than she had in years. “Oh, get out of here, girl. I’m the same old same old. ”

  Darcy watched her mother go out to the car. Was it possible she was meeting someone during her break tonight? She always ate a snack in the cafeteria, and once or twice Dad met her there. Would she be trying to look extra nice for him? After all that had happened, would she be doing that? Or was there someone else? Had seeing Dad again and facing the past helped her to realize that it would never work the second time around?

  Maybe that handsome Jamaican RN who called her mother a few months ago was back in the picture. Or perhaps that retired doctor had returned to the hospital to visit one of his former patients.

  Darcy felt nervous. She did not know if it was better to conjure up a new man for her mother or hope for her father’s return to the household. Still, if it became absolutely certain that they could never be a family again, something inside Darcy would die.

  Chapter 8

  In Bluford High’s auditorium at lunchtime, about fifty students auditioned for the talent show. Teachers from the drama and music departments were judging the performances. Darcy had practiced her song many times, but when her turn came, she felt as if she were going to her execution. She almost stumbled going up the three steps to the stage. She did not care at this point if she earned a place in the talent show. She just did not want to embarrass herself too much. And she wanted to get it over with.

  Darcy sang “Stop! In the Name of Love,” and when she finished the last line, she was shocked to hear applause.

  “All right!” Hakeem said when she reached her seat. Darcy was overwhelmed with relief that she could now sit and watch everybody else.

  A sophomore performed spoken poetry filled with rhymes straight off a rap CD. A number of students clapped when she finished. A freshman boy performed an embarrassingly bad comic skit involving a puppet, and there was hardly any applause at all. Then, finally, it was time for Hakeem to go on stage. He strode towards the stage with authority, his guitar on his back. He stood silent a moment, his head down; then he brought the guitar around, strumming out a pounding rhythm to a song Darcy had never heard him sing before.

  Gotta live until I die, don’t nobody

  take me out before my time.

  Gunshots in the night,

  You know this can’t be right!

  Listen up, take my hand, help me

  when I make my stand.

  Gotta rise, gotta sing, sing so strong,

  Drown the sorrow with my song,

  Take back the day, take back the

  night,

  With our hearts and our voices,

  we’ll win this fight!

  The applause began during the song, and kids were clapping their hands and stomping their feet to the driving cry of anger and pain. Darcy knew what Hakeem was trying to say in his song, but she wondered if the other students understood him. Not everyone had seen Roylin get shot. And many kids were too young to know Russell Walker, the boy gunned down last year. Still, as she watched, Darcy could see that Hakeem was stirring the crowd with his guitar and his voice.

  Slowly, one by one, students stood up, pressing their palms skyward in a gesture of enthusiastic approval. Their faces told Darcy they were not just supporting the young man on the stage. They were also cheering for his tribute to all the shattered lives on the street, all the little kids afraid to go out and play, all their friends and relatives who had suffered, all the young people who had paid the ultimate price.

  Darcy felt tears streaming down her face. She was so happy for Hakeem. She had been hoping and praying he would do well, but she had never expected such a performance and such a reaction.

  Outside the auditorium in the afternoon, the names of the students who would be in the talent show were posted. Darcy did not make it, but she was not disappointed. She enjoyed singing, but she did not like public solos. Hakeem would, of course, be in the talent show. Students crowded around him, congratulating him.

  “You were wonderful,” Darcy said, managing to get through his other admirers. Hakeem smiled and winked. But all the attention appeared to make him a little nervous. He was stuttering a bit. He escaped to the track to get in some laps.

  Darcy’s dinner with her father was that evening, and as the time drew near, her anxiety increased. She sat in the front window of the apartment waiting for the silver Toyota to pull up. He came at ten minutes to six, and Darcy jumped up. “I’m going now, Mom,” she said. Her mother had the night off.

  “Have a nice time, sweetie,” Mom replied.

  As Darcy sat down in her father’s car, she noticed right away that Dad looked more fit than when he first arrived in town. He was trimmer and also more neatly dressed.

  “Hi,” Darcy said, buckling her seat belt. “You look like you lost some weight. ”

  A nervous smile raced across his face. “Yeah. I’ve been working out at the gym, trying to lose my spare tire and get back some muscle tone. Been layin’ off the cheeseburgers too. ”

  “That’s good,” Darcy said. “It’s healthier. ” She felt so stiff, so awkward. She could not have felt worse if she were going to dinner with Mr. Keenan, her English teacher.

  “You’re looking good, Darcy. A little too skinny maybe. Do you like Chinese food?”

  “I think so,” Darcy said. “I haven’t had much of it. ”

  “I know a nice little Chinese restaurant. Healthy and delicious,” Dad assured her. He seemed as nervous as she was. It was hard to believe this was the warm, funny father Darcy used to love being with when she was eleven years old. It was as if those five years he was away had dug a huge chasm between them, and neither of them knew how to jump
across.

  “How is school going, Darcy?” he asked.

  “Okay. I’m doing okay in everything. I just finished my astronomy project, and the teacher liked it. ”

  “I suppose you have lots of nice friends,” he said.

  “A few. ” Five years ago, Darcy would have told him about Hakeem, but talking to him now about something personal seemed as awkward as sharing makeup secrets with a stranger. Darcy felt deeply sad. She wondered if it would be this way from now on, if something had happened in those five years that could never be repaired.

  They pulled into the restaurant parking lot and went into a small, lovely place with dramatic paintings of red dragons on the walls. The chairs were red leather, and wonderful fragrances floated from the kitchen.

  After they were seated, Darcy looked at the menu. “I guess when I think of Chinese food, I think of chop suey or something. ”

  Dad smiled. It was his first real smile since the evening had started. Darcy realized all this was even more difficult for him than it was for her. He was the bad guy. He carried the guilt for what had happened. “This one, number four, that’s excellent,” he said.

  Darcy read the English section of the menu: “Garlic sautéed scallops and shrimp, seasonal greens, eggplant, Szechuan. It sounds good,” she said, “I just hope it doesn’t taste like something Aunt Charlotte would serve up. ” Darcy heard an odd noise, and she looked up to see her father laughing. She laughed a little too. Apparently, Dad remembered those once-a-month treks to Aunt Charlotte’s and how the family would spend the whole trip home dissing the awful food.

  “Oh my,” Dad said, shaking his head sympathetically, “you still go over there, do you? And she’s still making those concoctions?”