Fifty Shades Nastier

by Lardyard Hampoon

  the red thong strap in the back and if you looked closely, I’m guessing you could see the bottom of the thong through the leg holes when I walked. They were all from cutting edge designers and they were completely earth friendly.

  When I walked into the kitchen in my new duds, Unit raised an appreciative eyebrow.

  “Thanks for the clean clothes.”

  “You can thank Caine. He went out and bought them this morning.”

  “Do I pay you or Mr. Caine for them?”

  “They’re a gift, Nasty. You wouldn’t be able to pay for them anyway. That outfit cost over a thousand dollars.”

  I swallowed. I was dealing with a whole new element here.

  As if on cue, Caine entered the kitchen. “The SUV’s in the elevator for you, sir. Are you certain you don’t want me to drive you?”

  “No, that will be all.”

  Caine turned to me, “That outfit looks very lovely on you, Ms. Lime. Sorry that I couldn’t find anything in tie dye.” As he was leaving, Caine gave me a lurid wink that made me flush.

  Unitarian insisted on going under the speed limit as he drove me home. He said he didn’t want to take any risks since I was still a “patient.” During the ride I inquired a lot about the fancy, schmancy classical music on Unit’s playlist and pretended I liked it and knew what the hell he was talking about.

  “That music is so groovy. But, don’t you have any folk music, Master?”

  “Folk?” Unit stroked his chin with those impossibly sexy fingers of his. “I think I have some Chilean folk chants from their plateau regions.”

  “That’s okay. I was just wondering. Would you like to turn off the radio and sing ‘Kumbaya’…do you know that song?”

  “Perhaps another time, Nasty. I’m not really up on my folk tunes.”

  Unit’s lack of enthusiasm for singing was disheartening, but as we got close to my apartment, Unit solidified the details of our next date! “No use getting together for the next two days with your surgery and all. How about I pick you up after work for dinner on day three?”

  “As long as dinner is at your place. I’d hate to waste a lot of time at a restaurant.” I’d been a virgin for close to 25 years, I didn’t really want wait any longer now than I had to.

  “My, my, Miss Lime, you are an anxious one.”

  “The only thing that will make the wait bearable is your toothbrush up my ass.”

  “My what, where?!”

  “I shoved your toothbrush up my butt after my shower…to help me think of you.”

  “You are a naughty, naughty girl, Ms. Lime.”

  “Perhaps you can get an electric toothbrush for next time?”

  Unit gave me a wry smile “Perhaps.”

  We stared into each others’ eyes for a long moment, then Unit leaned over and opened the car door for me. “I’m guessing Fabio is in there with Ms. Calvinawe. Would you ask him if he’d like a ride home?”

  I said, “sure thing,” and climbed out of the car.

  “Oh, dear. I must be losing my touch.” Unit sounded disappointed.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “There’s no Nasty goo on your seat.”

  “Hey, I did just come out of surgery.”

  “I do hope the surgeon didn’t break you.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  I shot Unit a wry smile as I slammed the car door shut and walked as wiggly as I could, putting that toothbrush to good use for Unit’s advantage.

  When I entered the apartment Fabio and Kath were fucking underneath the kitchen table. I called out from the entryway, “Hey, Fabio! Unitarian wants to know if you’d like ride home?”

  “Tell him, no thanks.”

  I leaned out the front door and shouted to Unit that Fabio was not interested in a ride.

  “Alright then. He’ll find his way home somehow. He’s a big boy.”

  “You can say that again!” I smiled wryly and closed the front door. Let Unit dwell on that one for a bit.

  Chapter 5

  By the next morning Fabio and Kath have finally had their 15th goodbye fuck and he left for work. This gives Kath the opportunity to grill me like a wiener.

  “So, like, what were you two up to for an entire night?”

  “We went to Unit’s pad in Seattle.” I try to act like this is the most natural thing in the world.

  “Like, Unit’s pad? As in Unitarian’s residence? And it’s Unit, now?”

  “It’s Unit on rare occasion. I don’t think he likes it. And, yes, his ‘residence,’ where else?”

  “Oooo, like, what kind of designer stuff did he have there?”

  “You know me, Kath, I don’t know designer from Ethan Allen. He did have some original art. I think I saw Mondrian, Chihully, and a bunch of up-and-comers.”

  “So, like, did you have sex?”

  “No! I mean, it wasn’t even a date. Do I look like someone who would have sex on the first encounter?” I figured I’d leave out the part about me getting my tubes tied.

  “Um, it was, like, at least your second ‘encounter’ – you went for coffee?” Kath rolled her eyes, cocked her head and gave me a wry smile.

  “Well, we’ve got a real date in three days.”

  “And, you’re, like planning to fuck him good then? I can, like, tell?”

  “We’ll have known each other for over a week, and seen each other four times by then. That’s not being too slutty, is it?”

  “Like, no way. Not with, like, a billionaire? I’m sure most girls bang him within, like, fifteen minutes of meeting him? You’re, like, being positively prudish?”

  “Thanks, Kath. That makes me feel better. I don’t want to come off as trollop.”

  “You don’t? Then, like, why were you wearing that outfit when you came home, hmm?”

  Geesh, she noticed that all the way from the kitchen floor while in the throes of passionate sex? This Valley Girl is definitely too obsessed with fashion.

  “Um…it was a gift from Unit.” I stammered, flushing.

  “Pretty, like, sexy gift? He must, like, want every man to desire you and, like, envy him?”

  Was that it? He wanted men to notice me and drool over me? It made sense. He liked to own things that were desired by many, but all his.

  “It came with a bra. And I don’t wear bras, so you can have that if you want it.”

  Kath’s eyes lit up. It must have been a very pricey bra.

  “Like, awesome? Thanks, Nasty?”

  Chapter 6

  Three days seemed like an eternity. But, it wasn’t long enough for me to figure out what to wear. I finally decided on my black tank top and a black and white floral print peasant skirt, but I still didn’t think it was the perfect outfit. Maybe there was no such combination of the perfect outfit amongst the clothes I owned. I hadn’t really needed any “fuck me” clothes before. At least this matched the underwear Unit gave me.

  Since Unit was picking me up after work, I stuffed the outfit into a backpack. After work, I took a quick “shower” in the dog grooming bath area. I forgot to bring a towel, but it didn’t matter. The doggy blow dryer was fabulous. It dried me off in less than a minute and added the benefit of making my lady parts squirm inside me.

  It was just like getting a blow job from an Xcelerator in the women’s restroom at the supermarket. I drove out of my way to use that restroom all the time.

  My girly organs squirmed again as Unit walked in the pet store. He was wearing a mint green shirt and pants the color of money. They hung from his hips in the most seductive way. And those long fingers of his looked so damn elegant as he fondled his crotch!

  “Good evening, Nasty.” His tongue caressed my name as he drew out both syllables.

  “Good afternoon, Master Green.” Before I took the arm he proffered, I reached around and gave his perfectly shaped butt a lurid squeeze.

  “Why, Ms. Lime!” He raised an eyebrow, cocked his head and gave me a wry smile.

  “Why not, Master Green?
” I kept my cool, not flushing the least little bit.

  Outside, Michael Caine was waiting for us with one of the fancier SUVs from Unit’s fleet.

  “So nice to see you again, Ms. Lime.”

  “Thank you Mr. Caine, the feeling is mutual.” As he helped me into the backseat, I made sure Caine could see I was wearing the panties he picked out for me.

  My heart gave a leap when I noticed that Unit had set out the exact brand of spring water and granola bar that I selected when we went out for coffee. There was something else, too. A snack I wasn’t quite familiar with.

  “What are these, Unit?” He seemed to wince at the term of endearment, but didn’t say anything.

  “Communion wafers. They haven’t been blessed, so it’s no sin to munch on them. I acquired a taste for them in my youth.”

  Geesh, what was it with this guy? He didn’t like to talk about his life, then he goes and throws out bait like this. Could you believe it? It was like he enjoyed torturing me!

  The wafers were very dry and who knew if they were organic, so I stuck with the granola bars. Though, I made sure not to acknowledge that I was aware he’d done something nice for me. I wasn’t going to let this guy think he could have me eating from the palm of his hand.

  We were taking an odd route to get from Vancouver to Seattle, but I decided not to mention anything. We were heading toward Vancouver Island. Maybe we were going to drive onto his yacht again. Eventually we did pull into the port, but it was not the same port as before. And there was no yacht in sight.

  Caine stopped the car and came ‘round to open my door for me. As he extended his hand to assist me, I once again made sure he could see the panties.

  “Noticed the first time, ma’am, but appreciate the gesture.” He gave me a wry smile before getting back in the SUV and driving away.

  “Where are we going?” I really couldn’t stand not knowing for another minute.

  “To my place, as you requested.” Unit gave me a mischievous look and a wry smile.

  “Are we swimming to Seattle?” We were walking down a lengthy pier with nothing parked anywhere along it.

  “You’ll see in just a minute.”

  As we walked farther down the pier I began to see that there was, indeed, something in the water at the end of it. It was so low, I couldn’t quite make out what it was. Dear God, he couldn’t be expecting me to kayak to Seattle, could he? He knew what a klutz I was, didn’t he? My heart began to pound and my palms grew sweaty. What was I getting myself into? I tried to remember some of the details in the many contracts I signed. Had I agreed to kayak? I couldn’t recall.

  Finally, I got a full view of our vessel. “Is that what I think it is?”

  “Depends on what you think it is.” Unit was beaming while cocking his head and giving me a wry smile.

  I gulped, flushed and stammered, “A s-s-s-submarine with wings?”

  “Close. This is a Super Falcon Winged Submerisible. But, yes, it’s basically a submarine.”

  “And you expect me to get in this contraption?”

  “That would be the idea, Ms. Lime.”

  “Have you driven this thing before?”

  “Of course. Dozens of times.”

  I gave the thing a skeptical look.

  “Don’t worry, Nasty. You’re safe with me – at least as long as you have your clothes on.”

  “I wasn’t planning on going down on the first big date.”

  “You weren’t? How disappointing.”

  “Okay. I lied. I thought I might.”

  “Time’s a wastin’, Ms. Lime.”

  I climbed in the contraption and deposited myself at what appeared to be the passenger seat. Unit climbed in after me. For a moment, his toes were eye level. He had, of course, worn sandals to show off his impossibly long, impossibly gorgeous toes.

  “Are you lusting after my toes, Ms. Lime?”

  “You know me so well, Master Green.”

  I was pretty sure he got an erection when I said “Master.” But, in such tight quarters, there was really no way to take advantage of it.

  Flying through the depths in a tiny submersible was an eerie experience. If it wasn’t so fascinating, I’d likely pass out from fear. But, my curiosity kept me alert. It was as amazing as it was terrifying – and completely spooky.

  Once the hatch bubbles were locked down around our heads, the best way to communicate was through headsets. It took me a good twenty minutes to adjust to the surroundings, but after I began feeling comfortable, I got chatty.

  “So, do you try to impress all your women with underwater rides?”

  “I don’t attempt to impress, people, Nasty. And you are the first woman I’ve had in the Super Falcon.”

  “You’re kidding?!”

  “I rarely kid, Ms. Lime. Until I met you, all ‘my women’ as you say, have been sex slaves. I buy them from unscrupulous human traffickers and set them free. They are usually so grateful, they wish to please me sexually. After a few months of expressing their gratitude I give them $10,000 and send them to a country where that amount will last them a lifetime.”

  Wow. Unit was such a humanitarian.

  “Don’t any of them ever fall in love with you?” I can’t imagine any woman NOT falling in love with Unit.

  “Perhaps, but I’ve never fallen for anyone before I met you.”

  Before I met you? Did that mean Unit had fallen for me? My heart began racing even faster from excitement than it already was racing from fright.

  “What country do you send them to?”

  “Depends on where they’re from. I always send each woman to a country where she doesn’t’ know the language.”

  Hmmm. I supposed there must be a good reason for that. Maybe Unit didn’t want the girls to contact their relatives. It was likely the relatives who sold them into sex slavery to begin with.

  Suddenly, the Super Falcon shook violently.

  “That’s turbulence from a passing cruise ship. I’m going to make an evasive maneuver for a smoother ride. Don’t be frightened.”

  The Falcon peeled off to the right, did a 360 degree roll, then dove sharply before leveling off.

  “Fun, isn’t it?”

  “Um…no. If you don’t want your Falcon puked upon, I wouldn’t do that again.”

  “Roger, that.” I couldn’t see Unit’s face, but I was quite sure he had a wry smile plastered on it.

  We rode in silence for a long ways, then I felt that we were rising. Unit released the pressure hatches, jumped out, then helped me out. My legs were like rubber. As I wobbled and stumbled away from the small rectangle of water where we surfaced, Unit scooped me up into his arms without a moment’s hesitation.

  “Can’t have you getting hurt before our playtime, now can we?”

  I looked around at the oddly familiar surroundings. We’d surfaced in the parking garage under Unit’s building!

  “I can’t believe you have a submarine berth in your underground parking garage!”

  “It was Caine’s idea, actually. He’s ex-British Intelligence. He was on the queen’s security staff at Buckingham and he worked for Calvin Klein before I stole him away. Difficult to get a personal assistant with his background. He’s my highest paid employee.”

  “So that is a gun in his pocket? I thought he was just happy to see me.”

  “I’m sure every man is happy to see you, Ms. Lime.” Unit grabbed me by the waist and pulled me close, licking my neck from the edge of my tank top all the way up to my chin.

  “I don’t care about every man. Just you.” I ground my hip bone into his manhood.

  “I do care about every man. I want them all to desire you, yet none but me can have you. I even care about every animal. You and that collie were a little too friendly for my taste.”

  “Laddie from the pet store? Why would you be jealous of a dog?”

  “It was the way you looked at each other.”

  “Trust me, I could never feel for a dog the way I feel abou
t you.” To prove it, I cupped his balls and jostled them in my hand.

  “If Laddie and I were drowning, which of us would you save first?”

  “Well, obviously, whichever of you was closer to me.”

  Unitarian raised an eyebrow.

  “Physically closer, Unitarian…not emotionally closer. It would only make sense.”

  “I see.”

  “Actually, Laddie would have to be way, way closer for me to save him first. You’re my guy.” I ran my thumb over what I assumed was the tip of Unit’s penis. It was a bit difficult to tell what was what through those pants. I’d have to get them off him soon – before I exploded.

  “Your only guy, Nasty. And don’t you forget it.”

  “Why, Master Green, you are truly green with jealousy.”

  “I am fifty shades of green, Nasty, and now one of those shades is Lime.”

  My inner slut wiggles her butt. I am one of Unit’s shades of green! And he’s jealous of my relationship with a dog. Who knew I was such a femme fatale?

  “When are we going to fuck, Unit? We’re wasting time standing here having this stupid conversation. I’m yours and only yours, now deflower me!”

  “You’re incredibly forward for a virgin.”

  “Maybe you haven’t been around enough virgins, Unit. I’ve been waiting 24 years for this.”

  “Well then, let’s not keep you waiting a minute longer.” Unit again whisked me up into his arms and carried me into his bedroom. With one hand, he opened his closet door and swept aside the shirts hanging there. He said, “I am the Master of all before me.” A panel slid up and he put his eye to the opening for a retinal scan. Then, the back of his closet opened up to reveal what seemed to be a Chamber of Deviant Sex.

  “Since you’re a virgin, I’m going to take it easy on you…this time.” Unit gave me a wry smile.

  “Do you really have to?” I was disappointed that I might not get the mega sexual experience I had been fantasizing about.

  “Stop pouting out your lower lip. You’ll get as much sex as I feel you can handle.”

  I brightened and began stripping off my clothes. It took just seconds. But then I realized I was the only was naked. Unit stood there fully dressed with his head cocked and a wry smile on his face. I apparently wasn’t doing this sex thing right.