Fifty Shades Nastier

by Lardyard Hampoon

  “Why are you smirking at me?”

  “I’m just amazed that you’re such the eager beaver, Ms. Lime.”

  “It’s not just my beaver that’s eager, Master,” I emphasized the ‘master,’ drawing the word out and giving it the kind of reverence that turned Unit’s unit on, “all of me is eager.”

  I stepped close to him and began tearing his clothes off. Even his underwear was in shades of green. “I thought you were eager, too, Master Green. Was I wrong?”

  “No…I’m just surprised to find you’re such a furry little thing.”

  I was confused. Me, furry? What was he talking about?

  “Do you even own a razor?”

  “A shaving razor? No! What would I do with it?”

  “That’s right. I forgot. You’re from Ithaca. Shaving and tie dye don’t mix, do they? Nor does trimming, apparently.”

  “I’m a natural woman, Master Green.” I tried to sound as sultry as I could while wondered what the hell he meant about ‘trimming.’

  “I intend to make you feel like a natural woman, Ms. Lime. I’ll explain what I’m doing as I go along. I don’t want you to be shocked or afraid.”

  “If you didn’t want me to be shocked and afraid, why did you stuff me into a submarine?”

  “Well, now, you can get back at me by stuffing my submarine into you.”

  “Huh?”

  “The part of me that’s long and hard and full of semen.”

  Oh, my inner slut was pole dancing now. On Unit’s pole. And he seemed to be enjoying it.

  “I’m going to grab your nipples. It won’t hurt. You’ll like it. I’m going to pull on them. Don’t be alarmed if they seem excessively elongated.”

  Unit pulled my nipples what seemed like halfway across the room. But, it did feel good! Oh, so good! Unit was nose diving his submarine into my lady parts deep and hard while his long, elegant fingers pulled and squeezed at my nipples. I arched my back to give his Super Falcon access to the dock deep within me and grabbed him just beneath his butt cheeks to help push that sub as deep and hard as it could go. When I could stand the throbbing excitement no longer, I drove my index finger into his anus.

  “No anal penetration!” Unit screamed as everything came to a screeching halt.

  Unit pulled out of me, semen shooting everywhere…and my juices squirting out as well in long, strong jets with every convulsion of my orgasm.

  Once both our throbbing climaxes receded, I apologized.

  “I’m sorry. I was in the moment. It was instinctive. I wasn’t thinking.”

  Unit softened. “It’s okay. Just remember, it’s a thing with me. Never go near my butthole again.”

  “Do you…want to talk about it?”

  “Do I want to talk about why I don’t want anyone to touch my butthole? No. End of subject.” His face darkened.

  “Do you want to elongate my nipples again?”

  A wry smile crossed Unit’s face. “Let me show you this little device I have that attaches to nipples.”

  Chapter 7

  The world gradually comes into focus as I awaken from a deep sleep. Holy crap! Was that a dream? Did I have sex last night? Seven times? I look around me. I am suspended naked from the ceiling by hundreds of silky ribbons that appeared to be wrapped around my arms and legs, then attached to me by tiny staples in my skin. So, it wasn’t a dream. And it may not be over. Somewhere below me something is probing my ass.

  “Hey! What’s going on down there?” My voice is surprisingly hoarse. Then I remember the cock sucking. Linda Lovelace, eat your heart out.

  “Ah…finally awake, are we, Ms. Lime? I’m looking for my toothbrush.” I can only see the ceiling, but I’m imagining Unit with his head cocked and a wry smile on his face.

  “You won’t have any luck. I didn’t wear it. But, I’m sure it’s still minty fresh down there.”

  “After last night, I doubt it. Though my dick does give the sensation of standing on a snowy mountaintop.”

  The sound of Unit’s voice is making my insides squirm. Oh, no! Did I just squirt his ceiling?

  “Easy, girl. I’m not sure Mrs. Nelson can reach that high.”

  “Who’s Mrs. Nelson?”

  “My housekeeper, Alice Nelson.”

  “You let your housekeeper in here?”

  “Well, let’s just say she was already familiar with the place when she got the job.”

  I wondered if all the blonde bombshell employees of Green Corp. were familiar with this place. “I thought you only had, um, ‘relations’ with liberated sex slaves?”

  “Alice and I didn’t exactly have ‘relations.’ Just some, uh, fun.”

  I figured I’d leave the definition of ‘fun’ for another day. I was starting to worry that my current position was more precarious than I was comfortable with. “How do I get down from here?”

  “Very carefully. Allow me.”

  It sounded like Unit flipped some sort of switch. The ribbons began a very slow, steady descent. When I was at Unit’s waist level, he flipped the switch again, stopping the process.

  “I’m going to lower you into a pool of ice water. Be prepared for the cold. It will numb your skin enough for me to pull the fasteners out painlessly. Trust me, you won’t feel a thing…unless you want too?” He raised an inquiring eyebrow.

  “No. I’ll go with painless.”

  Unit again flipped the switch to lower me into the ice water. Painless was a relative term, When my body hit the icy water, it felt like knives piercing every inch of me. I screamed.

  “Let it out, my dear, if you must. The room is thoroughly soundproofed. You’ll acclimate to the cold in just a few seconds.”

  Surprisingly, I did acclimate almost instantly. Or, maybe I just went completely numb that fast. I could no longer feel the faint tug of the staples, though I remained immobilized as I floated on the frigid water. Unit waded in and began deftly flicking each staple from my skin. He was right. I didn’t feel a thing. In what seemed like a minute or less, he was helping me stand up and climb out of the water.

  “The fasteners are so fine, they won’t even leave a mark. The cold has constricted your blood vessels to the point where not a drop of blood is spilled. Come, let me warm you up and untangle you.”

  Unit guided me a few steps to a chamber filled with light. Warm, penetrating light. As my skin came alive under those blessed rays, Unit patiently and tenderly unwound each delicate ribbon, his lips lovingly caressing the spot where each staple had been. Or where I imagined each staple had been. You truly could not see any sign of a mark, though there was an ever-so-slight swelling that make me look like I had somehow had subtle skin piping installed around the outer edge of my body. The lighting had to be just right to see it.

  “Feeling yourself, yet, Ms. Lime?”

  “I’d rather be feeling you, Master Green” I leaned my body into his, sliding my wet, wet squirmy spots down his leg to ride his knee.”

  “You do realize there are physical limits to what a man can do, don’t you?”

  I turned around, pushing my butt into his manhood. “Yes, Master Green. But we haven’t discovered what your limits are yet, have we?” I cocked my head backward and bit his neck while I positioned his hands over my breasts. “Now, elongate my nipples with those elegant fingers of yours.”

  Chapter 8

  I’m back in my apartment wondering how long it will be before I’m able to walk normally again. After two deliciously grueling days with Unitarian, I’m exhausted as well as sore. Caine had to practically carry me to my door. I threw myself on the couch and haven’t moved for hours. But now, I hear Kath’s key in the door.

  Kath is walking funny as she approaches the couch. I guess excessive sex runs in the family.

  “Shit! Like, I need that couch?”

  I’m still way too tired to give up the couch, even for Kath, the best friend a girl could have.

  “Chair,” I point.

  She collapses with legs over the arm of the c
hair. “It looks like Unit put you through the same workout Fabio gave me.”

  No, I think. Not likely. But, I’ll have to keep that to myself.

  “So? How was it, Ms. Virgin? All you hoped for?”

  “And more. Unit is…amazing.”

  “Fabio, is, like, fabulous, too?”

  “I never realized that sex would have such a weird effect on my personality.”

  “Whatdaya, like, mean?”

  “Oh, you know, how you kinda turn into a porn star. I never thought I’d say things like, ‘You’re so fucking hot, give it to me hard , you big hunk of cock.’”

  “Um…that may just be you? I don’t, like, do that?”

  “No?”

  “Like, no-oo.”

  “Maybe I’m just taking after Unit’s lead.”

  “Unit, like, talks like a porn star in bed? Mr. Formal and Sophisticated?”

  “If you closed your eyes, you’d imagine him to be way too tan and wearing a couple pounds of gold chain.”

  “Speaking of chain…like, what is that around your neck?”

  What was around my neck? I had no idea. My hand reaches up. I’m wearing a dog collar and leash. Holy crap!

  “Oh…ha, ha. I was kidding around. Unit bought some dog stuff at the pet store. I was trying to give him insight into what personalities different breeds had. I guess I got a little carried away.”

  “Like, if you say so? Unit’s gonna buy a dog?”

  “He seemed interested.” He liked calling me “bitch,” I thought.

  “So, when are you, like, going to see him next?”

  “I don’t know. We didn’t make any plans. I’m not even sure he wants to see me again.”

  “Like, what do you mean? He’s, like, all over you? He, like, tracked you down at a pet store?”

  “Sure, but, um, I don’t know if he likes me. Maybe he was just being nice.”

  “I, like, don’t think business tycoons would bother pretending to be nice for two whole days?”

  “It’s not like he’s called or anything…you know?”

  “How can you be, like, so smart, yet so stupidly insecure?”

  We both layed there in silence, paralyzed by exhaustion and contemplating how I could be so insecure. In about a half an hour, there was knock at the door.

  Kath and I looked at each other, wondering who was going to muster the strength to get up. After a minute, a voice came from the other side of the door.

  “Ms. Lime? It’s me, Michael Caine. I can let myself in if you’d like.”

  I yelled back, “Thanks, Mr. Caine. Please do.”

  I heard something slip into our lock, then the door opened and Caine swept in, walking just a bit stiffly for some reason.

  “No need to get up. I just brought you something from Master Green, Ms. Lime.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Caine. I don’t think you’ve been formally introduced to my roommate, Kath Calvinawe?”

  “Ms. Calvinawe, a pleasure.”

  “The pleasure is, like, all mine?”

  “Very good, then. Have a lovely evening ladies. I’ll let myself out and lock up behind me.”

  After Caine left, I started opening the package.

  “How did he, like, get in? Did you, like, give Unit a key? Like, already?”

  “No, of course not! Caine’s ex-British Intelligence. He probably picked the lock.”

  “Oh, like, that would explain the charming cockney accent? What did, like, Unit send you?”

  “A cell phone and ten thousand dollars.” I searched the box thoroughly. Phew! No plane ticket to a country where I didn’t speak the language.

  “Is there, like, a note?”

  “Yes. It says: Ms. Lime. I cannot stop thinking about you in my every waking and sleeping hour. Now that you have a cell phone, you can sext me whenever you like. Are you free for dinner on Friday? I was hoping you’d be the main course. Soons, dollface. U.”

  “Like, see?!”

  “I don’t know. Maybe he likes me. Maybe he doesn’t. I better go visit my whacky, immature, man-crazy mother for advice.”

  Chapter 9

  I luck out on my flight to Miami. I’m bumped to first class. Sitting next to me is an ungodly beautiful woman with a thick accent. I’m not sure what her accent is. Maybe Russian. Even though I’d just like to stew in my romantic troubles, she chats me up the entire trip. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I need to get my mind off Unit. Or, more appropriately, Unit’s unit.

  “So, ees these first time in Meeami?”

  “Oh, no. My mother lives there. I see her every couple years.”

  “Ees good to have famlee to preeciate you. Not seell you.”

  I wasn’t sure what she was saying half the time, so I’d just change the subject. “Have you been to Miami before?”

  “Nyet.” She shook her head “no.”

  “Are you going for business or pleasure?”

  “Ees gud questyun. Maybe…leetle beet both.”

  “It’s always nice when you can mix business with pleasure.”

  “Ees gud when beesness ees pleasure.”

  “Yeah. My stepdad always said, “If you love what you do, it’s not work.”

  “What you luv, preety gurl?”

  “Um, ah, animals.”

  “Aneemal? Like pony? Or jeerbul?”

  “Sure. Any kind, really. I don’t think I’ve met an animal I haven’t fallen in love with.”

  “Wow. Ees syurprizing. You doan look aneemal type.”

  I wondered what an animal type would look like. I also wondered why she was stroking my hand and leaning in so close when she spoke. Probably an Eastern Block thing. She must have noticed the look of consternation on my face, because she pushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear and stroked my cheek.

  “Doan worry. Aneemal or no. You gud gurl. Verry preety, verry sweet. Maybee I see you in Meeami?”

  “I don’t know. I won’t be there long. And I may not even leave my mother’s house.”

  “Eef you do, maybee we bump eento one anudder.” She gave my hand a squeeze.

  “Um, yeah, sure.” The seat belt sign turned off and everyone was getting up to leave. “Good luck with your business.”

  “Gud luck weeth yur mudder.” She leaned over and gave me a long, slow kiss right on the mouth. No tongue, but lots of lip. It was shockingly soft, warm and comforting. She smelled good and her firm breast brushing against my own was somehow arousing.

  Geesh! Could having sex with Unit have super sensitized me to human contact?! I felt myself leaning in to her kiss. She gently bit my lip as she pulled away…and then she was gone, swept

  Chapter 10

  “So, Nasty, what’s up? You never visit.” Leave it to my mother to get straight to the point.

  “Nothing’s up. I just figure I better visit before I get a job. Once I start working, who knows how hard it might be to visit.”

  My mother assesses me carefully. “Nope. That’s not it.”

  She stands back so she can scrutinize all of me at once. “Man troubles. You have man troubles! Oh, honey, I’m so happy you’re not gay!”

  “Mo-ther!”

  “Oh, like it’s not a bit odd that an attractive girl like you makes it past 21 without ever having a boyfriend…or a date…or a crush…or even a Playgirl magazine stuffed under her mattress?” My mother cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.

  “Can I help it if I don’t go chasing after every muscular body in pants?”

  “Oh, so I’m to blame for your lack of hormones?”

  “No. But, you may be credited for my extremely discriminating tastes in men.”

  “Aren’t we the high and fancy lady. Most men aren’t good enough for you, huh? What’s this one got going for himself?”

  “Well…he’s very considerate, polite, handsome and he’s a billionaire.”

  “Geesh. Maybe I shoulda held out longer…hmmm.”

  “Don’t go getting any ideas, Mom. Number Six is very good to you.” I
refer to most of mother’s husbands by number. And her current hubby is, finally, a good match for her.

  “You’re right. And I’m so proud of you! A handsome billionaire! I guess you’re very lucky that I instilled discriminating tastes in you. Feel free to thank me anytime.”

  “Thank you, Mother, for creating such a horrible example that I was motivated to become the opposite of you.”

  “That’s better. You’re welcome. Now what’s the problem with your relationship?”

  “I’m not sure he wants a relationship. He won’t tell me his deepest, darkest secrets.”

  “Well, no man wants a relationship. You have to make him want it. Hold your affection back a little. Men like conquests. They like to think things are their idea…as if a man ever had a good idea regarding women.” She shakes her head in disgust.

  That actually made sense. Unit liked to attain the unattainable.

  “Now, as for deep, dark secrets…let him have them. If they’re that dark, you may not want to know. If you had something deep and dark, you might want to keep it a secret, too. How long have you known this billionaire?”

  “A couple weeks.”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake! Give him time.”

  Again, my mother just might be right. She’s had so many men in her life, she must understand the way they operate. I was starting to feel better already and I hadn’t even gotten out of the airport baggage area.

  “Six is circling the airport. He’s going to pick us up and drop us off at the I. Sea. You. Spa. We’ve both got appointments for facials. They, um, said they could fit you in for waxing if you wanted.”

  Good old Mom. She wasn’t from Ithaca. Hated the place. High-tailed it out of there as soon as she got the chance. Number 2 and I stayed, but Miami was more Mom’s style. She was always trying to get me into designer clothes and makeup. Maybe today, I’d let her.

  Six dropped us off at I. Sea. You. and told us to take our time. He saw a shady spot in the parking lot and planned on catching some Z’s. That man could sleep. Anywhere. Anytime. Sleeping in the car was his favorite thing. Said he didn’t have to worry about waking up with Mom bouncing on top of him.