Rebel Heart

by Penelope Ward

“Just the opposite, because you’re killing me in that bathing suit.”

  Gia looked down at herself. “Oh.” She seemed to get my point and retreated to her bedroom to put on a robe.

  We sat in silence when she returned to the table and finished off the eggplant. I ate the scraps she didn’t finish, which weren’t much.

  “I’m really hot. Must be all the spices in that dish. I’m gonna take off this robe now, okay?”

  Yeah. I’m really hot, too, and it’s most definitely not the spices in the dish.

  She let the robe fall to the ground, and my dick immediately hardened. Her breasts were even bigger than they were the last time I’d seen her. Jesus Christ. How much bigger could they get?

  Fuck. I want you so badly, Gia.

  I was going to have to just suck it up. “Yeah. It’s fine if you take it off.”

  Speaking of sucking, I would have given anything to bear my mouth down onto those hard nipples pointing through the spandex material of her bikini top. Trying not to touch her was pure hell. The swell of her smooth, tanned stomach was almost too much to take. That little dome with that perfect belly button. Even the disturbing realization that she was carrying Elliott’s baby in there couldn’t stop the fact that I was still jonesing for her body twenty-four seven. But whenever I was physically around her, that feeling was ten times worse. I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if it were my baby. I’d probably be even more turned on, if that were even possible.

  I started a conversation to get my mind off this physical need. “How’s the book coming?” Coming. My reaction to that simple word reminded me of that game I used to play with Gia at the bar.

  “Believe it or not, it’s coming along better than it ever has. I am in the middle of a sad part where the couple can’t be together.”

  “Oh, so you turned it into an autobiography, did ya?”

  That was a sad attempt at a joke on my part.

  “No. It’s just art imitating life.” She smiled.

  Even her smile set me off. I shut my eyes momentarily to curb the need to reach over and kiss the hell out of her.

  “When do you think you’ll be finished?” I asked. “I’m curious to read it, to see if you’ve written me in as a deviant side character.”

  “Oh, you’ve definitely made your way in.” She laughed.

  Lifting my brow, I said, “Yeah? What does that mean?”

  “Well…since I can’t have the real thing…I’ve taken to remembering sex with you and using it as inspiration for those scenes.”

  Fuck.

  “You stealing my moves, Mirabelli? Isn’t that copyright infringement?”

  “Nope. You gave them to me. They’re my moves now.” She winked.

  I would love to give it to you. Right this fucking minute.

  “I just sent the first half of the book to my agent. A few of the chapters are really hot. She’s gonna get an eyeful. I’m supposed to be going to the City in a few days to have lunch with her and talk about it, actually. I’m sure she’ll let me know exactly how she feels about everything.”

  It made me happy to see that things were moving along with her writing. She’d struggled for so damn long. At least one thing was going right in our lives.

  “Cool. Good luck with that.”

  “Thanks.”

  Figuring I could use a nice splash of cold water on my face, I got up to take a leak, deciding to use the bathroom outside of Gia’s bedroom.

  On my way out, I took a peek inside her room and noticed some boxes. The sight of that made my stomach sick.

  I walked inside and looked around. This was serious.

  When I returned to the living room, Gia’s eyes were closed. It looked like she was nodding off.

  “I see you picked up some boxes.”

  Her eyes flew open at the sound of my voice. “Um…well…I need to start slowly packing things away. I told you…I’m moving back to the City. And I might as well give you my two weeks’ notice now, too. I’m leaving after the end-of-the-season party.”

  It felt like she’d hit me with a ton of bricks. The right words escaped me. She was giving me her notice. She was leaving. I knew this was coming. I had just been hoping to figure out a way to stop it. But could I really stop it? I knew I wanted Gia in every way, but that seemed like a separate thing from whether I could be a father to Elliott’s child. That was the issue I still hadn’t figured out. And until I did…I didn’t have the right to dictate her every move. Up until now, there hadn’t been a timeline by which I needed to figure things out, but it seemed that was no longer the case.

  I had two weeks.

  It was the middle of the busy lunch hour at the cafeteria-style restaurant. I’d just spent the last hour filling my literary agent, Talia Bernstein, in on all of my personal happenings of this summer. Talia was young and hip, so I didn’t feel like she would judge me.

  While I stopped short of confessing the Elliott connection, I told her I had gotten pregnant by a one-night stand, that I’d fallen in love with someone else before I knew about the pregnancy, and that the relationship was now in jeopardy as a result. Needless to say, despite how “cool” she was, her mouth was pretty much hanging open at how much I’d been through.

  She shook a small packet before dumping the sugar into her coffee. “Well, it’s no wonder you struggled with this storyline, because quite honestly…your life is much more exciting than the book. No offense…but Jeez Louise, the angst. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now.”

  “I wish I was only imagining it,” I said before taking a sip of my water.

  “Would you consider writing your story next?”

  I squinted in confusion. “My story?”

  “Yes. The story of this past summer. Girl moves to a summer share, gets pregnant by a one-night stand, falls in love with her sexy new boss who has to determine if he can be a father to the baby. What happens next? I don’t know about you…but I’m dying to know.” She leaned in. “I’ll start pitching it to the Big Five tomorrow if you give me the okay.”

  My body stiffened. “You can’t be serious…”

  “I’m dead serious. Think of the perspective you could bring. And we could tout it as ‘based on a true story’. People will totally eat that up.”

  “I don’t think I could do that. I’m too close to the situation.”

  She laughed. “That’s the point! Think of how easy it will be to pour out those words.”

  “I know…but what I mean is…it would just be too much for me. I think in many ways my current emotional state has been driving my recent material, though. Which is a good thing.”

  “Oh, well, yes, that’s evident. The emotion in the last few sections—the chapters where they have been apart—was exactly what I was looking for. I have to tell you…I was so pleased with those parts. I feel like where we were at the beginning of the summer when you were struggling with where to take the characters beyond those first few chapters compared to now…it’s night and day.” She took a sip of her coffee, then sighed. “Gosh, I still wish you would consider putting pen to paper about your summer experiences. I think it would make an amazing story.”

  Now I became a bit defensive. “Some things are sacred, Talia. I wouldn’t dream of exploiting what I have with Rush. Can you understand that?”

  She looked like she regretted her earlier statements. “You know what? You’re totally right. I just got a bit excited. It’s your life. Not a book. I get it.”

  “That’s okay.” I played with my straw. “That’s not to say there aren’t parts of Rush that made it into this book.”

  Talia’s eyes lit up. “I take it he inspired the sexy times?”

  My face felt flushed. Was I being bashful? For a woman pregnant with her boyfriend’s brother’s baby, you’d think nothing could affect me anymore.

  It was a beautiful, sunny but cool day in Manhattan. After my lunch with Talia, I happened to be walking down Madison Avenue when I came across a photography
studio. In the window were gigantic photos of the most gorgeous babies—very reminiscent of Anne Geddes with bright colors and animal themes.

  There were also some pregnancy portraits. A black and white photo of a very pregnant woman wrapped partially in a silk bed sheet while exposing half of her bare stomach caught my attention. She had long, flowy hair and was really quite gorgeous.

  I decided to walk in and peruse the place. Maybe it was the hormones, but I couldn’t refuse anything lately that had to do with babies.

  “Can I help you?” the woman asked.

  “Oh no. Just browsing. You have a gorgeous studio. The portraits in the window really drew me in. I just had to come see more.”

  “Are you expecting?”

  “Do I look like I am?”

  “No. I’m conditioned to ask everyone that question.”

  “Actually, yes, I am.” I smiled.

  She looked down at me. “Ah…I see it now.”

  I shrugged and rubbed my stomach. “Yeah, I guess I can’t really hide it anymore.”

  “Are you interested in a shoot?”

  Her question caught me off guard. “Oh…I don’t know. I really don’t think I’m ready for that.”

  “Well, I’m booking six months out now. So you could always schedule something and then see if you’re interested when the time comes.”

  “Really? That far in advance?”

  “Yes.” She smiled proudly. “I’m fortunate to be in high demand.”

  “Well, I can see why. You’re very talented. That one over there with the butterflies is so adorable. They all are, really. I couldn’t choose one.”

  My eyes wandered over to a baby with wings, and that, of course, immediately reminded me of Rush’s winged women. I sighed. He’s so complex and amazing.

  “Take a look around,” she said, walking back over to her desk to give me some space.

  I kept looking at all of the cherub-like baby faces around me. A fleeting thought that my baby could look just like Elliott, with his blond locks and maniacal grin flashed through my mind. I was sure I’d still love my child just the same, but it was strange to imagine him or her resembling Elliott. I couldn’t even think about how hard that would be for Rush.

  The woman interrupted me. “Want to take a look at the price chart…in case you’re interested?”

  I hardly thought I would be able to afford this once the baby came, but you couldn’t put a price on good photography. It was essentially buying memories. Maybe I could book the shoot now and figure it out later.

  “You know what?” I nodded my head once. “Sure. Is there any fee for cancellation, though?”

  “No. We just like as much notice as possible.”

  After browsing the different packages, I chose one in the middle of the price range.

  After I gave her my name to book it, she said, “Gia Mirabelli…that’s strange.”

  “Why?”

  “Someone by that exact name is already scheduled.” She scratched her chin. “Wait…I remember this. He booked a pregnancy shoot and then an infant shoot for later. Seemed so in love with the woman.”

  “He?”

  “Yes. I could never forget this man. Very striking. Dangerous looking with a heart of gold. Rush was his name.” She lifted her brow. “Know him by any chance?”

  My pulse sped up. “Rush? He was here?”

  “He’s yours?”

  There was something about that question that ripped my heart apart.

  He’s yours?

  Because I couldn’t say yes anymore. And I wasn’t sure if he’d ever be mine again. Suddenly all of the hopes and dreams I once had, the ones I’d buried as of late, came flooding back to my mind.

  Rush would have been the best father.

  And he wasn’t mine.

  Tears were forming beneath my lids.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “We’re not exactly together anymore.”

  “Oh...I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “It’s okay.” I wiped my eyes. “When did he make that appointment?”

  When she told me the date, I nearly fainted. It was the same day he was in the City with Elliott. The day Elliott told him he’d slept with me. The day Rush figured out the truth. The day before that woman answered his phone. I cringed at the thought of what happened that night.

  “Do you want to keep the appointments that Rush made?”

  I seemed to have fallen into a daze now. “Sure. Yeah. Thank you.”

  On the way out, I couldn’t help picking up my phone and dialing him as I walked down the sidewalk in a haze.

  Unfortunately, it went straight to voicemail, so I left a message.

  “Hey. It’s me. You’re never gonna believe this. By chance, I just walked into the same photography studio where you made me that appointment. I guess you never had an opportunity to tell me about it, or you may have forgotten with everything that’s happened.” Overcome with emotion, my voice was shaky. “Anyway…I went to make an appointment, only to find that I was already in the system. That was really sweet of you to want to do that. It’s just another reminder of why I…” I hesitated and breathed, “Of why I love you. I’ll always love you, Rush. I hope you know that. No matter what happens…that’s the one thing that won’t change.”

  Hearing Gia’s quivering voice in that message really got to me. I stopped myself from calling her back, though, because I knew damn well what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her that I loved her, too. But that would’ve been leading her on. I couldn’t do that to her, even though I really did love her so damn much.

  Things at The Heights were crazy. There were too many arrangements that had to be made for the end of the season and not enough hours in the day. In a sense, though, throwing myself into work had been a good thing. I needed a distraction from the memory of Gia’s empty room, of her plans to leave town.

  “Hey.” Oak snuck up on me in my office.

  “You scared the shit out of me.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re easy to rattle these days, boss.”

  “What do you need?”

  “Don’t you think it’s time you told me what the hell is going on with you and Gia? How could things be so great between you two and then turn to shit overnight? Something happened, and it’s not making sense. She’s having your baby, for Christ’s sake. What could be so bad that you’re letting her leave to go back to the City?”

  My blood pressure was rising. I really did want to be able to tell him the truth. But it was just so goddamn painful to talk about. But so far, only my mother knew. If I was going to make a decision, I really did need to talk about it with someone I trusted. If I was being honest, Oak was one of the few people I could really trust. There was no reason not to open up to him, other than it was hard for me to rehash everything.

  I decided to tell him.

  Gesturing to the chair across from my desk, I said, “Oak…sit your big ass down.”

  He just kept saying, “Holy shit, boss. Holy shit.”

  Waving my index finger at him, I said, “If you ever tell a soul, Oak, there will be hell to pay.”

  “You don’t have to worry about that. You know that. That’s why you told me. Because you know I won’t say anything.”

  I’d spent the past fifteen minutes telling him the entire story and the truth about Elliott. I couldn’t believe that he was actually partly blaming himself.

  “I remember the night Elliott was here,” he said. “The asshole was walking around like he owned the place. I should have found a way to kick him the fuck out before he got to Gia. Then none of this would have happened. I never saw him with her, though. Must have lost track of him by that time. He got lost in the crowd of preppy dicks.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh a little at his comment. “I wish you had kicked the fucker out, too, but it’s not your fault. I hope you know that.”

  Oak cracked his knuckles. “I want to kill him. Seriously. That’s how I feel right now
. This situation is unbelievable.” He crossed his arms. “What are you gonna do?”

  Shaking my head, I sighed. “I wish I knew.”

  “I totally get it now…why you went away. It never made sense to me, how you could leave Gia while she was pregnant and just take off. Now it makes total sense. That must have been so hard for you, but I see why you had to do it.”

  “Yeah…why I went off the deep end.” I rubbed my temples. “I wish there was a simple solution.”

  He was staring at me like he was considering something important. “Well, there sort of is.”

  Looking up at him, I said, “Oh yeah? Enlighten me.”

  “Well, it all depends on how you look at the situation. Everything in life is perception, right? Over time you might learn to accept that baby as simply Gia’s, not Elliott’s. But really, it comes down to one simple question. And I’m telling you…if you can answer this, then you have your answer.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You have to figure out whether your love for Gia is stronger than your hate for your brother.”

  Well, wasn’t that a fucking question to ponder? Oak’s words were playing in my head, haunting me, long after our conversation ended.

  I was the only one left at The Heights as I locked up that night. The cool night air hit my face as I rushed to my car and grabbed the emergency pack of cigarettes I’d stashed in my glove compartment.

  I held the pack in my trembling hand for the longest time and just stared at it. It felt like I was ready to lose it, give in to my need to smoke. Finally, I just crushed the package in my palm and threw it on the floor of my car. I’d come too far to start smoking again, even though I felt like I could have killed for a cigarette.

  Returning to my house, I did something I hadn’t done since finding out the truth: I opened the door to the nursery I’d built for the baby.

  Everything sat untouched: the rocking chair in the corner, the crib, the mobile. It was stocked and ready for an infant who might never see it.

  I sat in the rocking chair as I leaned my head back against the pillow and decided to return Gia’s call from earlier.