Holding onto Hope

by Nicki Edwards

  She heard Courtney in the lounge room, coaxing giggles from the babies as if oblivious to the storm raging outside.

  She dragged in another breath and prepared herself to face the music. As soon as she walked in without the groceries and Courtney saw her tear-stained face, she’d know there was a storm raging inside Hope and demand to know what had happened.

  Mitchell would want to know too. Her stomach twisted. Of all the men to witness her fears firsthand, why did it have to be him? Even though she was devastated he’d been there, his presence was still enough to make her heart race and her palms itch to touch him. She groaned. Her emotions and actions were all over the place and he probably thought she’d turned into some sort of emotional basket case since he’d last seen her.

  A headache lodged itself firmly behind her eyes. The altercation with the guy at the supermarket had rocked her because he reminded her of Brett, but she couldn’t tell Mitchell or anyone that without explaining the whole story.

  She checked her eyes in the mirror that hung over the side table in the entrance. There were no tell-tale trails of mascara running down her cheeks and apart from some redness along the rim of her eyes, it didn’t look like she’d been crying. She did, however, look like a drowned rat.

  Entering the lounge room, she pasted on a bright smile for Courtney’s sake.

  Courtney glanced up from her cross-legged position on the floor in front of a roaring open fire. ‘God, look at you. You’re drenched. You must be frozen. Why don’t you go and take a hot shower?’

  Hope wavered in the doorway. ‘I’m sorry, Court, I didn’t end up getting the groceries. I . . .’

  Courtney cut her off. ‘Don’t be sorry. Mitch sent me a text. He said the storm cut the power to the EFTPOS machines.’

  Hope’s pulse raced. Why had Mitchell lied to Courtney?

  ‘They say this storm is nasty,’ Courtney said, pointing to the television. ‘Apparently there’s another front coming through. I’m glad Mitchell drove you home.’

  The car. Hope put her hand to her mouth. Where was her brain? Presumably inside the car she’d foolishly left at the supermarket.

  ‘Mitch said he wouldn’t let you drive in the rain so don’t stress about the car. He said he’ll pick you up first thing in the morning and take you back into town to get it. Now go and take a shower, cuz. I’ve ordered pizza for dinner. Groceries can wait until tomorrow.’

  *

  Half an hour later Hope sank back into the couch and massaged moisturising lotion over her stump. She’d taken off the prosthesis to shower and used a pair of crutches Lachie had brought home for her so she could move around the house more easily. She was able to hop on one leg to get around, but it got tiring after a while, so it was easier to rely on the crutches even though she hated them.

  She looked at the smooth skin and remembered the way it had once felt lumpy and uneven when the stitches had first come out. She wished for the millionth time there was a calf and a shin and a foot where there was nothing, but it wasn’t like she could change what was. Losing her leg had saved her life and there was no point wishing things were otherwise.

  She’d come to terms with the loss years ago, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. Not having both legs was a constant cause of frustration because it prevented her from being spontaneous. But there were many people worse off than she was—little Zoe with her uncurable brain cancer and Bill Simpson with his Alzheimer’s—so whenever she found herself playing the “what if” or “if only” game, she thought of them and forced herself to be grateful that she was alive.

  While she’d been in the shower the pizza had arrived and Courtney had wrapped it in foil and put it in the oven to keep warm. Courtney brought a plate to her with two large pieces on it.

  Hope took a piece and bit into it. ‘Mm. This is so good,’ she said around a mouthful. Maybe food would improve her mood.

  While Hope ate, Courtney fed Piper. They chatted about the weather and the upcoming election, about a new brand of makeup Courtney wanted to try and about the latest book Hope had read. They talked about Jordan and his new girlfriend, Liz, who Courtney had concerns about, and they talked about Lachie’s plans to take Courtney and the triplets to Noosa for some sunshine and warm weather. Everything except Mitchell. And everything except why she’d really come home from the supermarket without the groceries and without the car.

  When she was finished, Courtney took Piper off her breast, handed her to Hope and scooped Oliver out of his bouncer. ‘Can you see if you can get her to burp?’

  Hope put Piper on her shoulder and patted her gently on the back. ‘Why am I so bad at choosing men?’ she asked.

  Courtney waited for Oliver to latch on properly before looking over at Hope. ‘You talking about Brett?’

  Hope shrugged. ‘Brett. Craig. Basically, every man I’ve ever met.’

  The guy in the supermarket had frightened her more than she wanted to admit because he reminded her of Brett. She’d suppressed most of the memories and pushed away how she’d felt—as if nothing bad had happened—but clearly, Brett had had more of an effect on her confidence than she’d realised.

  ‘God. Craig. I’d forgotten about him.’

  ‘How could anyone forget him?’ Hope asked.

  Craig had been the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. He was studying nursing too, and in a course made up of eighty percent women, he could have taken his pick of the girls, but he’d latched onto Hope from Day One. She wasn’t interested in him, or interested in any relationship, but for some reason Craig became fixated on her, almost to the point that Hope felt like he was stalking her.

  Craig wouldn’t take no for an answer. He followed her around the university campus, managed to get his hospital placements with her and even applied for the same grad year program. He continually asked her out and she steadfastly refused. Still he persisted. When her parents were home briefly during her final year at university, he came over to her house without being invited to meet them. He said all the right things to them, and her parents fell in love with him on the spot.

  Hope didn’t. There was something in his controlling manner that scared her.

  ‘I could have any girl that I want, Hope, but you’re the one God has chosen for me,’ he told her once.

  She remembered the conversation as if it was yesterday.

  ‘Shame He hasn’t told me that,’ she replied, thinking Craig had to be joking.

  ‘Come on, Hope, admit it. You’re in love with me.’

  ‘No, Craig. I’m not.’ She barely even liked him.

  He ignored her. ‘Do you know how many girls would love to walk in your shoes right now?’

  She’d had enough. Rolling her eyes at him she rolled up the leg of her pants and waved her prosthetic limb in his face before lowering her foot to the ground and sliding her pants back over her leg.

  She still remembered the way his mouth had dropped open and stayed open like a side-show alley clown.

  ‘I can’t think of too many people who would like to walk in my shoes, can you?’ she said.

  Until that moment, she’d never told him she was an amputee. She always wore pants that covered her prosthesis and worked hard to ensure she walked without a limp.

  He recovered quickly, or at least appeared to. ‘With a deformity like that, you’re going to find it hard to meet someone who will accept you and love you.’

  She stared at him in disbelief. ‘Are you kidding me? A deformity?’

  He continued as though he hadn’t heard her, puffing out his chest. ‘I could take care of a girl like you. I wouldn’t be put off by that.’ He pointed to her leg.

  ‘I don’t need taking care of,’ she said through gritted teeth before pushing herself up off the step they were sitting on.

  ‘Don’t you get it, Hope? We’re meant to be together. Even your parents think it’s right.’

  ‘No, Craig. You don’t get it.’ She folded her arms across her chest and glared down at him. ‘I am
not interested in you and never will be, so I suggest you get out and leave me alone.’

  A look of rejection briefly crossed his face then was gone. In its place was a look she’d never seen. Craig had stood so close to her she still recalled the feel of his breath on her face. He almost snarled as he hurled his parting words.

  ‘I could have been the best thing that ever happened to you, Hope Rossi. Don’t you ever forget it.’

  Hope shivered at the memory. ‘I dodged a bullet with him.’

  ‘He was a nut job,’ Courtney agreed. ‘And Brett was a jerk.

  Hope sighed. ‘Brett was more than a jerk.’

  Courtney glanced up with a troubled expression. ‘What really happened between you two?’ she asked gently. ‘I’m not trying to pry but I get the sense you haven’t told me the whole story.’

  Hope’s nerves hummed. She hadn’t told Courtney any of the story.

  Reaching across the table, Courtney linked her fingers with Hope’s. ‘I’m a good listener, cuz.’

  Hope lifted her gaze. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Brett wasn’t right for you.’

  That was the understatement of the century. ‘I know.’

  ‘I wish I’d said something sooner.’

  Hope shrugged. ‘I probably wouldn’t have listened to you. Apparently, I can be stubborn.’

  Courtney smiled. ‘Really? I hadn’t noticed.’

  ‘Ha-ha.’

  ‘Come on, Hope. What happened? Last time we spoke you said things were looking serious and you said Brett was talking about getting married.’

  ‘Things were serious, but that didn’t make them right.’ Hope exhaled. ‘I thought Brett was perfect at first. He never seemed bothered by my leg, never treated me like I had a disability. Never offered to help me do things.’

  ‘What changed?’

  ‘It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly I realised the reason he never talked about my leg was because he was embarrassed.’

  Courtney scowled. ‘By what?’

  ‘By me. He hated the way I didn’t hide my leg. He once told me he didn’t like how I drew attention to myself. He said the way I showed off my prosthesis made people feel uncomfortable.’

  Courtney set her coffee cup down with a bang. ‘What a crock. Lucky for him he didn’t say that within my hearing. I’d have made him uncomfortable.’

  Hope smiled. ‘I would have liked to see that.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I kept my prosthesis covered and made sure I wore it all the time, even around the house.’

  ‘Would have made things interesting in bed. I can just imagine you trying to wrap your legs around him.’

  Hope laughed. ‘Trust you to go there. Let’s just say we didn’t have the most satisfying sex life.’

  An image of her with her legs around Mitchell invaded her headspace and she hastily pushed it away.

  ‘What did he do when you told him you were leaving?’ Courtney asked.

  ‘He said he hadn’t been happy for a while and our relationship hadn’t been working for a long time. According to him, I’m “too independent and have a fear of commitment making it impossible to have an emotionally satisfying relationship”.’ Hope used her fingers to make air quotes.

  Courtney gaped at her. ‘You’re kidding me.’

  ‘He also accused me of wanting nothing more from him than a warm body in my bed. He said I was emotionally incapable of having anyone as a permanent fixture in my life and my inability to settle down made me unstable.’

  Courtney’s mouth hung open.

  He’d said a lot more, but Hope had blocked most of it out. At the time his words had hurt more than losing her limb. But what came afterwards had hurt much more.

  ‘He hit me,’ she murmured.

  Courtney gasped and her face paled. ‘He hit you?’ she whispered.

  For a second Hope regretted her outburst.

  Courtney looked ready to hit someone herself.

  ‘He’d say it was just a slap.’

  Courtney swore softly. ‘A slap is the same thing as being hit. And once is more than once enough.’ She took Hope’s hands. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’

  The memories flooded in of all the times Hope had picked up the phone to call her cousin, but Brett was always so quick to apologise. Until the last time when Hope finally snapped. They’d always bickered in jest, but over the years the bickering became arguments over issues that they should have addressed but never did. Always keen to keep the peace, Hope had pushed their problems under the carpet and hoped things would work out. The cork came out at Brett’s end-of-financial year work function at the Crown.

  ‘It was the night of the end-of-financial-year ball at the Crown. I wore this emerald green floor-length dress that I hated. I barely recognised myself in the mirror, but Brett had picked it out for me to wear because it covered my leg, so I had no choice.’

  Hope glanced at Courtney’s scowling expression before continuing.

  ‘I was tired before we went to the ball because I’d just come off a week of night duty, so when the night was over I was relieved it had gone well and that I’d made it through without doing anything to upset Brett or embarrass him.’

  ‘You always hated getting dressed up,’ Courtney said.

  Hope nodded. ‘And Brett loved it.’

  ‘What happened?’

  What happened? She’d made the mistake of thinking he was happy with how the night had gone. It turned out she’d ticked him off.

  They’d arrived back to the hotel room and as the door closed behind her, she’d turned to Brett to say how nice an evening it had been. Brett’s expression had filled her with gut-wrenching fear. He’d waited until they were alone to transform himself from prince to beast.

  Even now she felt sick remembering the way terror had clutched at her belly as she’d scrambled to think what she might have said or done wrong to upset him. She’d come up blank.

  In a tone laced with arsenic, he’d asked if she’d enjoyed herself.

  She’d swallowed. ‘Yes. It was a nice night. But a long one. I’m tired now. Are you coming to bed or would you like another drink?’ More alcohol was the last thing he needed.

  He didn’t reply. ‘Did you like the band?’

  She wracked her brain. Had she made some inappropriate remark about the music or the musicians?

  ‘The band were good. It was good music.’

  He reached out and took a strand of her hair between his fingers. She took a tiny step back but wasn’t quick enough and Brett grabbed a fistful of her hair, yanking her close until they were nose to nose.

  ‘I saw you dancing with Isaac Smith.’

  Isaac was a friend of Brett’s and had always been friendly towards Hope. When Isaac asked if she wanted to dance, she’d happily agreed. Anything instead of sitting alone at the table. Brett was too busy schmoozing with his boss at the bar. She figured it was safe to dance with Isaac because he was married

  ‘You were flirting with him.’ Brett spat out the worlds and she recoiled at the stench of alcohol on his breath. He must have drunk more than she realised.

  She tried to shake her head. ‘I wasn’t.’

  He tugged so hard on her hair that it sent arrows of pain shooting through her scalp. ‘You were flirting,’ he said. ‘Flaunting yourself. Humiliating me in front of my colleagues. In front of everyone.’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Did you kiss him?’ he bellowed, cutting her off before she had a chance to explain she’d danced with Isaac because he was a friend.

  ‘No.’ She felt the prick of tears but was too scared to show him how frightened she was and hastily blinked them away.

  ‘If I check your phone will I find messages there from him? From other men?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  The shove wasn’t hard but the shock of it sent her sprawling across the polished timber floor. She lay in a ball with Brett standing hovering over her
like a cat over a mouse.

  When she heard him finally walk away, she scrambled to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Half an hour later she came out of the bathroom and found him snoring on the couch.

  As she told Courtney the whole sad story, Courtney barely said a word, but she didn’t need to. Her face said enough.

  ‘The next morning, he apologised profusely, blaming alcohol. He was contrite and loving and in the car on the way home he tried to hold my hand, but I’d made up my mind the moment he struck me.’ Hope dashed a tear from her cheek. ‘When Brett came home from work the next day it was to an empty apartment. I blocked his number on my phone and never heard from him again.’

  Courtney looked like she was about to cry, too. ‘I wish you’d said something.’

  ‘It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about over the phone.’

  ‘I’m so proud of you for leaving him.’

  Hope nodded. At the time she’d felt like throwing up even though she knew she was doing the right thing.

  ‘For his sake, I hope I never have to lay eyes on him.’

  ‘Me too.’

  Hope gave a tiny smile. ‘So here I am, single again.’

  ‘Just until you get back on your feet again.’

  Hope shook her head. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever meet Mr. Right.’

  ‘Rubbish.’ Courtney handed a now-sleeping Charlotte to Hope and fixed her bra. ‘You’re awesome, smart, funny, gorgeous, and intelligent. Any guy would be lucky to have you.’

  And just like that, Hope’s bad mood lifted. She smiled at Courtney. She loved her cousin so much. Whenever she felt down, Courtney always made her feel better about herself. ‘Just don’t start thinking the perfect guy for me is Mitchell. He has a girlfriend, remember?’

  ‘Where will you go after leaving here?’ Courtney asked.

  Hope hesitated. ‘No idea. I haven’t thought that far ahead.’

  It was a lie. She hadn’t stopped thinking about it. Problem was, she had no job, nowhere to live and no clue what she was supposed to do next.

  ‘You can always move in with me and Lachie,’ Courtney suggested.

  ‘Yeah right.’ Hope chuckled. ‘I’m sure Lachie would love that.’