Wanted

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Reaching down, he rubbed Jess’s neck. The dog thumped his tail in bliss. “Rachel was in love. I can’t fault that, you know? When a person is in love, there isn’t much choice. If you don’t follow your heart, then the rest of the world isn’t as right. It’s like everything is off-kilter.”

  Katie had been mesmerized by his words. Henry had sounded so wise. And he’d spoken directly to her heart.

  And that’s when she’d known the truth—she didn’t love Brandon.

  That conversation had spurred her decision, but had also fueled her regrets. Katie imagined anyone would feel as she did—it was hard to not love someone when they wanted you to. Sometimes, no matter how much you wanted to love someone, those feelings just never surfaced.

  Now that time had gone by, Katie knew she’d made the right decision. Yes, she could have handled things far better. But if she had to go back and live her life again, she knew she wouldn’t choose Brandon over Jonathan. She wouldn’t choose to live a different way.

  She had the Lord and His watchful ways to thank for that.

  He certainly had guided her through many rough patches. Now she needed His guidance once again. She needed to make things right with Holly. To ask for Brandon’s forgiveness. To move forward. To run to something. To run to the path that was meant just for her.

  Closing her eyes, Katie said a prayer from Psalm 105 that had always brought her comfort. Seek the Lord, and his strength; seek his face evermore. “Help me, Jesus. Help me know what to do, help me know what the right thing to do would be.”

  With bated breath, she waited for a sign that He heard her words. Waited to feel a new sense of peace. But nothing came.

  The wind picked up, blowing branches, which in turn scraped against the outside walls of her bedroom. Quickly, Katie closed the box again and pushed it back under her bed. After blowing out the candle, she burrowed down into the covers and listened to the wind, closed her eyes, and prayed with all her heart. In the dark room, she finally confessed to all of her sins. Confessed to all of her transgressions, asked for forgiveness and guidance. Holly’s reappearance in her life had made one thing painfully clear.

  She couldn’t make decisions alone anymore. She would ask God’s help and finally do what He wanted her to. Only then would she ever find peace.

  The following morning, Katie knew what she had to do. She had to go see Brandon. There really was no other decision to make. He was sick, he had asked for her, and poor Holly had gone out of her way to find her.

  The moment Mary and Hannah left for school, Katie donned her favorite blue dress, then quickly slipped on her black cape, hitched up Blacky, and rode to the Dutchman Inn. There were phones there as well as a place to board Blacky for a few hours. Once she arrived at the inn, she could either ask if there was a driver available, or she could contact one of the people she knew who made a living out of doing such work.

  Luckily, Katie didn’t come in contact with much traffic on the small, winding roads that led to the inn. The few cars that did pass her waved before slowly making their way around her buggy. She waved back and used the time on her hands to think about Brandon. It was hard to think of him being in so much pain and facing the end of his life.

  She shouldn’t have pretended she’d never known him. She should have been mature enough to at least try to remain friends instead of blocking all memories of their relationship away, hoping they’d never surface again.

  All too soon, she pulled up to the side entrance to the Dutchman Inn, settled Blacky, then approached the manager.

  “I’m needing a driver today, Mr. Pruitt,” she said as soon as she saw the forty-year-old manager working at one of the back tables. Terry was the original owner’s son, and he had taken over the management of the popular restaurant when his parents were tired of the day-to-day grind. “Any chance you know of someone here who could help me?”

  “Where you going, Katie?”

  She pulled out the sheet of paper that Holly had given her. “Adams Community Hospital. Do you know of it?”

  “I do. Amy delivered all four of our kids there.” He looked at her over a pair of half-moon reading glasses. “Everything okay?”

  “Yes. I’m just paying a call on an old friend of mine.” Thinking that he might be wondering why Henry or her parents weren’t accompanying her, she added, “It’s kind of a sudden visit.”

  “How long do you need to go for?”

  “Not long. Maybe an hour or two?”

  Terry nodded. “I can take you. Give me five minutes and then we’ll be on our way, okay?”

  Thirty minutes later, she walked into the main reception area. Terry had dropped her off, promising to return in one hour.

  Now she was on her own.

  “Excuse me, I am looking for Brandon Norris. May I pay him a visit?”

  The dark-haired lady looked on her computer then directed her to the fifth floor. When Katie arrived at the nurses’ station, she was met with a trio of interested stares. “Brandon Norris, please?”

  “You Amish?”

  “I am.” When they all kept staring, she cleared her throat. “I came to pay him a visit?”

  “Oh. Sure.” A nurse came around the bright turquoise desk, motioning down the hall. “He’s in room 505. Have you been to see him before?”

  “No.”

  “Oh. Well, some days are better than others. His sister, Holly, is sure he can hear everything you say, so if he doesn’t open his eyes, don’t be shy about talking.” She stopped at the door. “We’ve been keeping visits to about twenty minutes. All right?”

  She left before Katie could reply. But Katie was glad. She felt so nervous and worried; she didn’t want another person there to witness her struggles. Slowly, she turned the doorknob and stepped inside.

  And then quickly wiped tears as she saw him.

  Oh, Brandon.

  When she’d first met him, he’d always seemed so infallible. So bright and strong. The complete opposite of the man in the bed in the dim room. The Brandon she’d remembered had an easy smile, sparkling hazel eyes. An infectious laugh.

  The man in the hospital bed looked at least thirty pounds lighter. His skin was sallow and pale. An IV tube was attached to his left arm. The brown hair she’d admired so much was cut short.

  His eyes were closed.

  She stepped closer. Recalling how the nurse had said she should talk, she did her best. Surely an apology was the right way to start? “Brandon? It’s me. Katie. Katie Brenneman. I…” She swallowed. “I heard you had wanted to see me.” Only the machines clicked in reply.

  Steeling her nerves, she continued. “Listen. I’m…I’m sorry. I’m very sorry about what I did. I’m sorry for lying to you.”

  He didn’t move.

  She approached and sat down in the cushioned vinyl chair next to him. What to say next? “I…I saw Holly yesterday. She told me you were under the weather. I…I didn’t know.”

  Slowly his eyes flickered open. Katie inhaled sharply. Now those were the eyes she remembered. Lovely, multicolored, perceptive. When they focused on her, she tried to smile. “Hi, Brandon.”

  “You came.”

  Oh, there was such pleasure in his voice, Katie was sure she was about to burst into tears. “I…did. Jah.”

  “Jah?”

  “I’m sorry. When I get nervous, I start thinkin’ in Deutsche.” She shook her head. “Oops. I mean, I think in Pennsylvania Dutch.”

  “Are you nervous?”

  “Yes.” Steeling herself, she leaned forward. “Brandon, I’m verra glad you wanted to see me. This gives me a chance to say that I’m sorry. You know, for causing you pain. For lying about who I was.”

  “Why did you?”

  “I don’t know.” With a shake of her head, she forced herself to speak more slowly. To choose her words with more care. Brandon deserved that much. “That’s not true. I…I think it was because I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Back when we first met, I was feeling trapped. Restless. I wanted
something new. Wanted a chance to be someone else.” She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, then confessed the rest. “But…only for a little while.”

  “And then you went back.”

  “Jah.”

  Brandon stared at her for a long moment. “I guess I can understand that.” Swallowing hard, he never took his eyes off of her. “You look so different, Katie. My memories of you are so different.”

  “I know.” Self-consciously, she patted her dress. “I think I only wore jeans when we were together. Not anything like this.”

  “It suits you, though.”

  Looking at her dress, at her trusty thick-soled black shoes, she smiled. “I suppose it does.” She pushed herself to speak some more, to say what needed to be said. “For what it is worth, my feelings for you were genuine.”

  “Did you ever love me?”

  She knew the hope she spied in his eyes. She’d felt it many a time. And though she realized now that she’d loved the dreams he represented, not him—she could have never left if she’d truly loved Brandon—she said the words he needed to hear. “I did. Well, I loved how you made me feel. I loved spending time with you and Holly and laughing. I loved the chance you gave me—to just be Katie.”

  And just like that, he knew the truth. Stark reality filled his expression as the ray of hope faded. And it was as clear in his gaze as if he and Katie had talked for three hours.

  He knew.

  She hadn’t loved him the way he’d loved her. She hadn’t loved him enough to risk everything she was, everything she believed in.

  With a sigh, he shifted. “Thank you for coming to visit, Katie.”

  She stood up. “Can I get you anything? Is…is there anything you need?”

  She felt her cheeks heat as the irony of the situation became apparent. It was obvious he needed a lot of things. But Brandon only nodded. “Maybe some water?”

  “Oh. Sure.” She poured him a cupful. Standing up, she held it for him as he slowly sipped through the white straw. Then, as if that effort had exhausted him, he leaned back again. When his eyes started to close, she impulsively reached for his hand and held it between her own. “You…you are a right gut man, Brandon,” she whispered. “I…I am lucky to have known you.”

  After another minute, when it was obvious he slept again, she slipped through the door. Quietly, she entered the elevator, felt so in a fog that she was barely aware of the curious looks in her direction.

  Terry was waiting for her when she arrived back at the reception area. “Are you ready, Katie?”

  “Jah.”

  “All right then.” She followed and got into his car without a word.

  The drive back to the restaurant passed in a blur as she thought of Brandon. Thought about how glad she was to have seen him.

  And what a shame it was that the Lord would be calling him to heaven far too soon.

  Chapter 14

  Katie almost cut her finger to the bone when the back door opened without warning at one in the afternoon a few days later. Then, as she saw who entered, her hands got shaky for a whole other set of reasons. “Jonathan.”

  “Hi there, Katie.”

  He stood there silently, almost motionless. It gave her a moment to collect her thoughts. “Is everything all right with you? You’re home mighty early.”

  He pulled on the neck of his shirt. “I am fine. I was, um wonderin’ if you would like to accompany me to the woods today. I thought I might gather some wood and such for a project I’m working on.”

  Since she’d been at his house, Jonathan rarely spoke of anything other than the great amount of work he needed to accomplish. However, at the moment, he seemed mighty different than the usual man she thought she knew. Jonathan had a glow about him, and that glow caused all kinds of things to churn deep inside her. “A project for Christmas?”

  “Actually…yes.” His lips twitched. “It’s a project for Christmas, to be sure.”

  “What are you going to make?”

  “It’s a secret.” Walking across the kitchen floor, his dusty boots making a mess on the planks that she’d just swept, he almost smiled. “Can you keep a secret, Katie?”

  “Indeed I can.” Unable to help herself, Katie blinked once, twice more. Whatever had come over him? Ever since they’d argued about Winnie, things had been strained between them. Mealtimes had been near silent. Could he have finally decided to make amends? “I do enjoy a secret now and then.”

  “I was hopin’ you’d say that. So, will you come even though snow still covers a lot of the land? Can you spare me the time?”

  “Why, uh, jah.” Once again, his teasing manner caught her off guard. He was such a complicated man. True and loyal. Hardworking. At times, terribly brusque. But then, just like a shooting star in the dark night sky, he would tease and joke. Those comments would lighten his temperament just like a flash of light in the night sky.

  To her pleasure, Jonathan continued to grin while the cat held her tongue. “It’s a pretty day. Gut day for a walk, even through the last of the snow.”

  “Indeed. It is.” It would be wonderful to take a walk outside in the unexpected sunny day. Though it was terribly cold, she’d felt rejuvenated by the brilliant sunshine when she’d gone to gather eggs that morning.

  And, of course, she was always hungry for companionship. No matter how she tried, Katie couldn’t help but miss the bustling activity of the inn. The constant comings and goings of the guests, the chatter from them and her family as well, the never-ending chores that took up much of her time and left little room for moments of loneliness.

  But now…suddenly, he was offering—asking, actually—to spend time with her. That was something she couldn’t disregard and didn’t intend to ignore.

  She’d come to realize that no matter what had come between them, the infatuation she’d once felt for him had grown to something deeper and stronger. “I’d like to help you with your project. I’ll get my cloak.”

  When she returned from her room, after slipping on her black bonnet and claiming her thick wool cape, Katie found yet another surprise waiting for her. Jonathan was pouring hot chocolate into a sturdy crock and fastening the lid on. “I thought we might enjoy this after our ride,” he mumbled somewhat clumsily.

  He was trying so hard, trying so hard to make their trip special, that once again Katie felt flustered. “I’ll wrap the crock in towels to help ward out the cold. And maybe some cookies, too? We have jam thumbprint cookies left over from Sunday.”

  He pulled out a basket. “I could never refuse those.”

  “And maybe a sandwich and apples?” Katie couldn’t forget that he’d been up and out the door many hours before the sun.

  “Anything is fine.”

  After he left to hook up the wagon, Katie put together a haphazard picnic for two, gathered up her mittens, then picked up an extra scarf, just in case Jonathan hadn’t thought about keeping his neck warm.

  When she finally joined Jonathan outside, she saw he already had the wagon prepared. Blacky was hitched up, thick blankets were already spread out on the seat, and the bed of the wagon was already organized. An ax with a thick oak handle lay on the floor as well.

  “You sure got all of this together fast.”

  Jonathan tucked his head. “I had hoped you would accompany me.”

  In order not to embarrass him, she said the obvious. “Preparing for a project—any project—is a big job.”

  “It is at that.”

  After settling in, Jonathan clicked for Blacky to go forward. They were off, the wheels crunching over the ruts in the ground, then later crunching leaves, twigs, and fallen pine boughs. Around them, clumps of snow dotted rocks and shady areas, making all the colors of the woods seem brighter. A crisp pine scent filled the air, causing Katie to breathe in deeply. A cold breeze stung their cheeks as the horse gained speed. Katie did her best to burrow under the blankets. Jonathan scooted nearer, sharing his body’s warmth.

  She looked his way shyl
y. He looked straight ahead, but she sensed he, also, was noticing the way their bodies brushed against each other as the wagon shifted and swayed. The way everything felt so right, to be sharing a blanket.

  It was no exaggeration to say that this was the closest she’d ever been to Jonathan. Though inches of space and blankets did, indeed, separate the two of them, in her mind’s eye, they were practically pinned together. Katie couldn’t help but cast interested looks his way.

  He had always been handsome to her eyes. His face was angular and solid looking. His beard was so light and soft that it always took her by surprise in the summer, when it seemed to fade against his golden tan. As always, his clear blue eyes made her think of a winter sky. He seemed terribly strong and stalwart and solemn, sitting next to her.

  Of course, he’d always seemed that way. If Katie was honest—and she was trying hard to be, that was for sure—she could admit that never had Jonathan encouraged her. Never had he given her special smiles or an extra bit of attention.

  He’d been polite and respectful. Whenever he came over to the inn, he’d spend most of his time talking with her parents or with Henry. If their paths did cross, he’d usually only nod to her.

  A horrible, dark thought entered her head. Though they’d come far in their relationship, there was a chance it would never be the romantic, close one she’d longed for. What would she do, then?

  She’d always wanted to be a wife and a mother. Would she be brave enough to set her sights on another man in the future? Would she ever be able to only think of Jonathan Lundy as a nice, pleasant neighbor who she’d helped for a time?

  “Katie, I’ve never heard you so silent. Are you all right?”

  “Of course I’m fine.”

  “Not too cold?”

  “No.”

  “I can get you another blanket. Or we can turn back, if you’d like.”