Wanted

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  It was obvious that Sarah had been a good housekeeper. It was just as obvious that Winnie’s interests didn’t lie in that area. Linens and tablecloths were neatly organized and folded, as were the children’s old clothes. Newer items were more haphazardly packed away or pushed into cabinets. Over the last few days, Katie had decided to wash and dust the inside of most cupboards and to sort the contents. She felt that Sarah would be pleased with her diligence.

  Katie didn’t bother to tell Jonathan about her work; it was obvious that he would neither be interested in her progress nor appreciate the efforts it took.

  Of course, they didn’t talk much at all now. He was still stewing over her comments about his and Winnie’s relationship.

  But that was all right with Katie. She felt she was growing and changing at the Lundy home. And in all ways, for the better. Now that Christmas was mere weeks away, she wanted to make the girls a surprise, new dresses for the season. There was to be a gathering in a few weeks and she wanted the girls to have something new and pretty to wear.

  She’d just pulled out a bolt of evergreen-colored fabric when she felt the unfamiliar sensation of being watched. Slowly she looked up. There was no one directly in front of her. Yet, a shiver ran through her. What was going on?

  Quickly, she glanced toward the girls. Peppermint sticks in their mouths, they were chatting with another pair of girls—Corrine Miller and her two daughters—over by the baked goods. Katie knew it would be just a matter of moments before Hannah’s sweet tooth got the best of her and she came running over to ask for a cookie.

  She pulled out the evergreen fabric again and tried to guess how many yards would be needed for two dresses. She was going to need to ask Mr. McClusky to wrap the fabric so Mary and Hannah wouldn’t ask what such beautiful fabric was for.

  But oh, what a wonderful surprise those dresses would be on Christmas morning! And, she’d noticed that their robes were a little short and that Hannah’s looked particularly worn. Perhaps she could buy them new robes, too? She picked up a pretty lavender robe, made of the softest material Katie had ever felt. Already she could imagine Hannah’s look of delight when she wrapped it around herself Christmas morning.

  “I hardly recognized you.”

  Katie almost jumped out of her skin. With a gasp, the robe fell from her hands onto the floor. “Holly.”

  “Yep. That’s me.” An unfamiliar bitterness swept over her features. “I’m surprised you even remember who I am. I wasn’t sure if you even remembered my name.”

  “Of course I remember you.” Katie fought the urge to hug her. Oh, but Holly looked exactly like her memories. She was still as tall as ever—almost Jonathan’s height. Her blond straight hair played off her dark brown eyes. She looked so like the friend she’d had in her faded blue jeans, blue sweater with an embroidered moose on the chest, and boots.

  So much like everything Katie had wanted to imitate.

  Yet, there was a difference about her, too. Her expression was pinched. Her eyes guarded. A sense of desperation surrounded her like a luminous cloak.

  What had happened?

  Wondering if her actions were all to blame, Katie bent to pick up the robe, using the moment to settle herself. Around them, shoppers continued to chat and converse. Finally settling into the inevitability of it all, Katie faced the girl she’d hoped to never come in contact with again. She should have known sooner or later they’d meet. “I’m surprised to see you here. Few Englischers other than tourists come here to shop.”

  “You know, it would have been a lot easier for both of us if you would have met me at the Brown Dog. Why didn’t you? Are you really that busy?”

  “It wasn’t that. I…I just didn’t know what we would have to talk about.”

  “You have a lot of nerve. We were good friends, Katie.” Impatiently, she thrust a clump of blond hair away from her forehead. “I thought we were best friends.”

  “We were good friends, that is true. But, things have changed.” Behind her, Katie could hear Sam talking with another customer and the girls and their friends eagerly trying out one rocking chair after another. “Things are different now. I…can’t pretend I’m not Amish anymore.”

  Holly shook her head in dismay. “Is that all our friendship was? Just an experiment to see what it was like to be someone else?” Her voice cracked. With effort, she breathed deep. “Is that all Brandon was to you?”

  Embarrassed, Katie shook her head. “Of course not.”

  “Then why did you just take off like you did?”

  “Don’t act like we only had a simple disagreement. Holly, that last time I saw you, why, we argued something fierce. Don’t you remember?” Katie knew she’d never forget the looks of scorn Holly had sent her way. How Holly had told her that she’d never forgive Katie for using her like she did.

  The quiet, crushed acceptance of Brandon’s face when he had realized that his feelings were far stronger than hers had ever been for him. “I didn’t think you would want to ever speak with me again.”

  “I hadn’t planned to…”

  “I really am sorry for my lies.” Katie knew she could never forget their last, tumultuous conversation. They’d been at Brandon and Holly’s house. They’d been sitting around, watching TV, doing nothing.

  Then Brandon had told her he’d loved her.

  And Katie had known that she hadn’t loved him. Worse, she realized she’d encouraged his feelings because she’d enjoyed the attention. She’d loved the freedom of pretending to be something she wasn’t.

  But at that very moment, Katie had known one simple truth—she would never leave her faith.

  Holly shook her head. “I probably said a lot of things I should never have uttered aloud. But, I was angry, Katie.”

  “You had a right to be.”

  Just as if Katie hadn’t spoken, Holly continued. “You lied to me. You lied about everything about yourself. But after all this time, don’t you think I had a reason for contacting you?” Folding her arms over her chest protectively, she lifted her chin. “This was the only place I could figure out to find you. I’ve been having to stand around here, waiting…hoping that sooner or later you’d show up. I don’t have the time for this. Things would have been a whole lot easier if you’d just met me at the Brown Dog.”

  “I couldn’t. I…just couldn’t face you. You might not believe me, but I do feel awful about my lies. Holly, what do you want from me?”

  “I need you to go see Brandon.”

  Katie felt the wind being knocked out of her. “You don’t understand.” In spite of all attempts for control, her voice started to raise. “I can’t see him. I’m Amish.”

  “You were Amish when we were friends, too.”

  “That’s not quite true. We Amish do not join the church until we are adults, or close to it. When I met you and Brandon, I hadn’t joined yet.” Even to her own ears, Katie knew she was splitting hairs. In a quieter tone, she added, “Now that I’ve joined, I adhere to our customs. I would not feel right courting an Englischer.”

  “I’m not asking for that.”

  “Then why—” She cut herself off, feeling uneasy. Just a few feet away, Sam was watching them with intense interest. If he got wind of their conversation, it could be common knowledge in no time. Nervously, she cleared her throat. “Perhaps you should leave. I mean, I think it would be best now if I…”

  Holly gripped her elbow. “Walk with me outside.”

  “I can’t—”

  “Yes, you can. I’m not going to wait any longer. Come out, or I swear I won’t even try to keep our conversation private. In no time everyone in here will know all about your lies. They’ll know for sure you aren’t near as sweet as you look. I mean it, Katie.”

  Holly leaned closer, the look of fierce desperation in her eyes more powerful than any words could be. “I’m not the one at fault here. You have to listen to me. And you have to listen right now. You know I’ll do it. After all, I’ve got nothing to lose.”
>
  “I’ve got to check on the girls first.”

  Just as Holly walked out, Katie quickly approached Hannah and Mary. “I’m just going outside to speak to an English woman for a moment. I’ll be right back.”

  “All right.” Mary was obviously having too good a time to worry about Katie’s conversations.

  Katie found Holly sitting in one of the rocking chairs that dotted the wide front porch. “So…what is it about Brandon that you needed to talk to me about?”

  “Brandon was diagnosed with cancer.”

  Glad for the thick wooden railing behind her, Katie gripped it hard. “What?”

  Her expression crushed, Holly said, “He’s really sick. It had already spread to his liver by the time they discovered it. He’s…he’s not going to last much longer.”

  “But surely the doctors can do something? I know of a woman who had cancer two years ago but she’s doing fine now.”

  “This isn’t the same, Katie. It’s bad.” Her voice cracked as she strived for control. “The medication he’s on isn’t to cure him…it’s to help with the pain. Some days he doesn’t seem to even want to wake up.”

  Raising her head, Holly looked Katie straight in the eye. “But he wants to see you, Katie.”

  “Why me?”

  “He loved you once. I think he still does.”

  Katie shook her head. Wanting—needing—to deny Holly’s words. “I am not the person he thought I was. He knows that, yes? He remembers?”

  “He doesn’t care. Don’t you see? Brandon just wants to see you again. To make sure you’re okay. He’s worried about you. Wondered what happened to your life.”

  “I…I don’t deserve his worry. I treated him terribly.”

  “Don’t you get it? He doesn’t care.” Slowly, Holly added, “See, that’s the thing about my brother. He doesn’t care if I’m not perfect, if you aren’t, either. He just doesn’t want to be forgotten.”

  “I never forgot him, or you.”

  “Then don’t let him think you did.” Holly opened her purse and pulled out a slip of paper. “Here’s the name of the hospital. My phone number’s on there, too. Go see him before it’s too late. I’m begging…I’m begging you,” she said, obviously choking on the words. “Even if you don’t care about me, please go. Please just care about Brandon.”

  “I do care.” Yet, even as she said the words, she felt ashamed. Caring people didn’t ignore friends. Not even former ones.

  “For what it’s worth…I’m glad I found you. You look…happy.”

  “I am. I mean, I was.” Swallowing hard, Katie held out her hand. “Thank you for finding me. I will go see Brandon. I promise I will, as soon as I can find a driver to take me to the hospital.”

  “Try and hurry.” Holly clasped her hand with a hint of a smile, then walked away.

  Behind her, the door opened again. “Katie? Katie can we get some pecans?”

  Blinking away her tears, Katie nodded. “Sure. Um, Mary how about you ask Mr. McClusky if we might have a pound. I’ve a notion to make pecan tarts with you today.”

  “All right.” Mary looked at Katie curiously before pointing to Holly’s retreating form. “Who was that?”

  “Her name is Holly. She is a friend of mine.”

  “But she’s English.”

  “I know.” As Mary sidled closer, Katie wrapped an arm around her slim shoulders. “She is.”

  Just as they watched Holly get into her car, Hannah looked up at her. “She sure is tall. She’s as tall as a horse.”

  Katie chuckled at the comparison. “She’s tall, but maybe not like a horse.” Though it felt as if her throat was closing from so much suppressed emotion, Katie did her best to smile comfortingly. “She’s nice, too.”

  “She looked sad.”

  “She was tired I think.” After smoothing back a nonexistent strand of hair back into her kapp, she added, “She…she has a lot on her mind.”

  “Oh.” Turning away from Holly’s retreating form, Hannah said importantly, “I’m gonna go ask for pecans so we can bake today.”

  Later, as she walked the girls to the buggy, Katie realized that Holly had finally accomplished what she’d set out to do…she’d found Katie and brought up the past.

  Now it was Katie who had to figure out what to do with her future.

  Chapter 13

  “I saw Katie, Brandon,” Holly blurted the moment Brandon woke up from his nap. “She finally went to that general store I told you about.”

  It took her brother a few moments to focus on her. More time passed before he spoke. “What happened?”

  “I talked to her.”

  “A-a…and?”

  He looked worse. As she pressed the remote control button so he could sit up, Holly used the time to school her features. The nurses had warned her he was having a bad day. His sluggish words and dark marks around his eyes showed they hadn’t exaggerated.

  “Hol?”

  Taking a deep breath, she mentally attempted to moderate her feelings. The last thing Brandon needed was to see her stress. “Oh, well, at first I couldn’t believe that it was actually Katie. She was standing with two little girls and all dressed in Amish clothes.”

  “Two girls? Is she married?”

  “No, I later found out that she’s just watching them.”

  “How did she look?”

  “Different. Her dress was a violet-blue. It was pretty, but hung loose. Some kind of black apron was pinned over that. Her hair was all twisted and pinned up under a sheer white little hat.”

  Brandon shook his head. “No. How did she look, Holly?”

  He still cared so much. “She looked different. But, pretty, too. She looked happy. Well, she did until she saw me.” In a cross between a chuckle from the memory and a sob that threatened to erupt from seeing the condition her brother was in, Holly tried to find the words to describe Katie’s face when she saw her.

  Maybe a cross between utter dread and complete surprise? “Anyway, we talked. She…apologized, Brandon.”

  “She feels guilty.”

  “I imagine she does. And she’s got a ton to feel guilty about, too. I know you really liked her, Brandon.”

  “I loved her.” Closing his eyes for a moment, he added, “Maybe I still do, in a way.”

  “I told her you wanted to see her.”

  He stared at her again. “What did she say?”

  “She said she would visit you.” She clasped his hand when hope entered his expression. “She promised.”

  “When?”

  “I don’t know. I guess when she can get a driver.”

  “Why a driver?”

  Showcasing her knowledge, Holly explained. “The Amish don’t drive, Brandon. Most don’t even own cars. But they’re not against using vehicles as transportation—just as having them as conveniences. So they hire people to take them places.”

  “You…you should have,” he said weakly.

  “I know I should’ve.” A better person would have thought to offer. But she hadn’t. In truth, she’d been so overwhelmed with emotion that she hadn’t even given it a thought. All she could think of was that she’d missed Katie, and that she could have used her friendship and support over the last year. Clearing her throat, “Anyway, I’m thinking maybe she’ll be here on Monday or Tuesday.”

  “Maybe.” As if the conversation was too much, he closed his eyes again.

  “She’ll show up,” she said with more confidence than she felt. But Katie had to show up. It was Brandon’s dying wish.

  She’d promised. Holly hoped Katie had finally started keeping some promises.

  Late that night, long after the girls were fast asleep and Jonathan had gone back to the daadi haus, Katie pulled out her memory box again from under the bed.

  After carefully setting the container on top of the pale lavender quilt, she gingerly opened the cardboard top. Oh, it wasn’t a fragile thing. One the contrary, it only contained fragile memories. Ones she was both afraid t
o abandon completely and wary about confronting again.

  As she set the lid to the box on the floor, once again the scent of another life burst into the air.

  But this time, instead of only recalling the things she’d done wrong, Katie started recalling the good times she’d had. Remembering the laughter she’d shared with Holly. Her first impression of a shopping mall. The sense of freedom she’d felt, just by spending a Saturday doing nothing except watching episodes of The Brady Bunch on Holly’s television.

  Oh, how she’d enjoyed that show.

  Finally, she recalled how torn up she’d been inside, wondering what God planned for her future. Wondering what the right path was to take. She’d been so confused, she’d sought out Henry, though he hadn’t been in the best spirits, either. Rachel had left him for an Englischer just weeks before.

  She’d found him in his workroom, supposedly sanding an old trunk they’d found in the attic. In actuality, all he’d been doing was sitting with his dog, Jess.

  “Henry, are you ever going to smile again?”

  He’d looked at her and scowled. “Leave me alone, Katie.”

  “I truly am sorry about Rachel.”

  He shrugged. “It’s not your worry.”

  “But it is. Don’t you know how I worry about you?” She’d swallowed hard. What she’d really wanted was for him to see how she still needed him. She still needed him to worry about her, to offer her guidance.

  But Henry was so good. He would never understand her willfulness. Her dreamy nature. Her impulsiveness. He’d never understand her ever even thinking about living among the English.

  Absently, Henry rubbed Jess’s side. “I’m glad you care. If I was to admit the truth, I’d guess I’d tell you that I’m sorry Rachel wanted someone else. Wanted a different way of life.”

  “Did she ever tell you why?”

  “Why?” He paused to consider her question. “I don’t rightly know. I don’t think Rachel was running from me in particular, though maybe she was. Maybe she wasn’t even running from anything.” Picking up his sandpaper, he rubbed it against the side of the trunk once. Twice. “More likely, I think Rachel was running to something else. To another man.”