by S. M. Shade
“Just hold me. Give me a few days to figure out how to let someone go when they’re still here. Still family.”
“He left you a letter.”
“Did you read it?” I ask with a small smile as he hands over the envelope.
His chuckle makes me smile. “No, but it killed me.”
I don’t want to read it, but I have to. Nothing good ever comes in a letter. Airen watches while I tear open the envelope, and my chest constricts when Joseph’s silver engagement ring falls into my palm.
I have to wipe my eyes before I can read his hastily written words.
My girl,
I hope with all my heart you’re still my girl. I can’t bear to think of any future that doesn’t include you. It’s what I hope, but not what I deserve. That’s why I’m returning the ring. I’ll never forget the day you and Airen gave it to me, and I’ll never forgive myself for ruining what the three of us had. I don’t know why I did it. I swear, I only remember a few flashes of that night and it’s fractured and confusing. I know it’s no excuse, but I need you to know I didn’t want it or plan it. I’ve never wanted her, never wanted any woman but you, and it makes me sick to know what I did. I wish I could tell you why. You deserve an answer, and I wish I had one to give.
I love you more than I can ever describe, ladybug. No matter what happens or where we go from here, I’ll always love you. More than anything, I want you back. I need my girl, but I’ll understand if it can’t be. I don’t want to keep hurting you.
Please, just call me. Yell, scream, or kick my ass, just talk to me. I need to hear your voice. I love you, my sweet girl. Please don’t forget about me.
Airen embraces me while tears run down my face. “He loves you, sweetheart.”
“I know.”
The next few days drag by. It takes everything I have to get out of bed, but I have to. Everything I do feels robotic, automated. Cook the meals, care for the kids, clean the house, do the laundry…and wait for the moment I can climb in bed and escape again. I’m miserable.
The mattress dips as Airen sits beside me. He and Joseph have worked things out, but he hasn’t seen much of him. Joseph refuses to come home until I say it’s okay, and Airen won’t leave me to spend the night with him. My eyes close at the sensation of Airen’s fingers combing through my hair. “What are you doing?” I ask.
“Just waiting on my girl to show up.”
“You have another one standing by as well?”
“Yep, haven’t seen much of her lately, though. She’s a little wildcat, a fighter. The same woman who kicked Jon in the balls and called him a noodle dick motherfucker.”
Sighing, I rest my head on his chest. “It hurts. I thought I could get over it, let it go. I still have you.” Shame colors my cheeks when I confess, “I love him, but I’ve always been afraid I love you more, that it’s not equal.”
He tilts my head back and plants a soft kiss on my lips before his eyes settle on mine. “You didn’t think you could hurt like this for him.”
“I love him, I just didn’t realize how much.”
“Because you can’t measure love, darlin’. There’s no yardstick you can lay it against. It just exists, and every time we think we have a handle on it, we’re struck again. Torn to shreds and reminded of just how devastating the loss of it is. How much we risk by letting it in.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I know you’re hurting. You just have to decide if he’s worth the risk of feeling this way again. If the good times with Joseph are worth losing because of one night he can’t remember.”
“I don’t know whether I can get past him fucking her, but he needs to come home.”
“He wants to hear that from you, sweetheart.”
“Will you go with me?”
“After breakfast,” Airen replies, tugging me out of bed.
* * * *
My heart races as we cross Lexi’s yard and approach her door. I hate this emotional shit. I really hope no one’s home. The thought of talking to Joseph is nerve wracking enough without an audience watching us. Staring at the woman who got cheated on, looking at me with pity when I ask him to come home. Pathetic.
My self pity evaporates and anger rushes in as soon as I step through the door. Emma stands in the middle of the room staring at Joseph as his eyes widen at the sight of me. What the fuck is she doing here?
“Abby,” he breathes, bounding to his feet from the couch.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt.” My voice is so cold I hardly recognize it.
Lexi leaps to Joseph’s defense. “Emma just came in. No one invited her, Ab.” My mind was so focused on Joseph, I didn’t even notice her and Eric standing there.
“It’s okay. I just have to say something and I’ll leave.” The look on Joseph’s face shreds my heart, but I keep my voice steady. “He’s all yours, Emma. Who knows? Maybe your ability to come in first and fourth in a wet t-shirt contest will win him over.”
Eric snorts with laughter and Lexi elbows him.
Emma remains silent as I continue. “I don’t chase after men who don’t want me. I want him to be happy, and if he wants someone like you, then he deserves what he gets.”
“No!” Joseph grabs my arm when I turn to leave. “I don’t want her! Please, I know I fucked up, but I love you. I’m miserable without you.” He presses his flushed forehead to mine, his curls tickling my ear. “I want to come home.”
Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry in front of this bitch and give her the satisfaction. All I want to do is throw myself into his arms and tell him how much I’ve missed him, but I’ll start bawling if I do. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I step back and force myself to meet his eyes. “I came to ask you to come home. I told you I’d never break up our family. Come home and be with Airen. Don’t fuck that up too.”
With a small nod, he cups my cheek in his palm. “Abigail…I…”
It’s so hard to ignore the agony in his voice. “Take your old room.”
Emma stumbles back when I turn my fierce glare on her. “This bitch isn’t allowed.” Airen steps between us when I take a step toward her. “If you show up at my house, I’ll make your teeth as fucked up uneven as your tits.” She doesn’t say a word as I turn and stalk out the door.
God, how am I going to do this? How can I live with a man I love without being with him? It hasn’t been that long since we were only roommates, but it seems like a different life. And truthfully, we were never simply friends sharing a space. There’s always been more between us, all of us.
I move Joseph’s bathroom essentials to the spare bathroom and make up the bed in the extra bedroom. It feels childish, like drawing a line down the center of the floor and marking my territory, but I don’t know what else to do. I want to make this as easy on all of us as possible. We need clear boundaries so we won’t hurt one another. Though I’m not thrilled about spending every other night in an empty bed, I meant what I said about alternating nights with Airen. They need each other.
My biggest worry is how I’ll feel if he keeps fucking Emma, or if he meets another woman in the future. I’ll just have to deal. I’m not what he needs, and I’m not selfish enough to prevent him from finding someone who is. Still, a big selfish part of me hopes Airen will be enough.
The first night is awkward to say the least. I’m setting the table for dinner when Airen and Joseph come through the door. Walker races to the table. “Are we having spaghetti? Smells like spaghetti,” he says with a grin.
“Yep, and garlic toast. Go wash up.” I ruffle his hair. He’s happy to have his dad back home.
“Abby, can I have a minute?” Joseph asks, his voice barely audible. I guess we should get this over with.
Nodding, I head down the hall to the spare room, and he follows. His face droops with disappointment when he sees his stuff on the night stand. “I didn’t mean to go through your stuff or anything. I just thought it’d be less awkward this way…if you didn’t have to move.”
<
br /> “I understand.” He takes my hand. “Have I fucked things up for good, baby? Have I lost you forever?”
My chest aches, and I stare at he floor. “Don’t. I can’t do this.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I don’t want to upset you. Just tell me what to do.”
I can’t make myself look into his sad eyes. “We lived together for years before. I want to try to go back to that, to being friends. I know it won’t be easy, but I don’t see any other way. We can alternate nights with Airen.”
“I’ll do this however you need me to, Abigail, but I want you to know this isn’t what I want.”
I feel so hollow. The truth is it doesn’t matter what either of us wants. There’s a price to pay for every decision, a debt not always due of the one responsible. It doesn’t matter. In the end, we all pay. “But it’s all we can have.”
“I’m so sorry. I’d do anything to erase that night.”
“I know. I’m not trying to hurt you.” His emerald eyes shine with unshed tears as I continue. “I love you and I don’t want to lose you completely. The thought scares the shit out of me.”
“Me too. So, we try to go back to how we were before we slept together?”
I nod, and he wraps his arms around me. When he feels me tense up, he murmurs, “I could hug you before, and hold you when you were upset. I could talk to you, and you could confide in me.”
I let myself relax into his warm embrace. “I know. I’m trying.”
“Take all the time you need, lady—honey—whatever you need, just tell me.” His face falls as he corrects himself, and I try not to show how much that hurts, not being his ladybug anymore. “I know I can’t make this right, but I’ll do my best, and if you ever change your mind, I’ll be waiting. I’ll always love you, my girl.”
All I can do is nod again.
“Okay.” He releases me and takes my hand to lead me out of the room. “Let’s go before Walker eats all the bread.”
It’s so much harder than I anticipated. So many times, I catch myself wanting to kiss him or touch him, and I see him doing the same. He doesn’t sneak up behind me and slide his arms around my middle anymore, or kiss the back of my neck. There’s no cuddling on the couch or playful teasing. I watch him smack Airen on the ass for some smart remark and a knot forms in my throat, remembering how he used to throw me over his shoulder and swat my ass. How we used to play, who we used to be. It’s a strange devastating feeling, grieving for someone who’s right in front of me.
Every day, shit, every hour, I want to go to him and take him back. Tell him I’ll get over it if he’ll still love me, but I can’t. The urge to kiss those amazing lips is quickly followed by the thought that Emma kissed them. I’m haunted by what he did with her. Did he make love to her like he did me? Did he kiss down her belly, go down on her, make her come? Did he cuddle her all night or kiss her forehead as she was falling asleep? I can forgive. I have forgiven him, but I can’t forget.
A week after Joseph’s return, I’m lying in bed, staring at the wall and trying to gather the will to get up and cook breakfast. Airen’s arms creep around me and he cuddles me close, pressing my bare back against his warm chest. He rests his cheek on mine and whispers, “Don’t cry, sweetheart.”
“I’m not.”
“Okay,” he replies, kissing away a lone tear from my cheek.
“I miss him. I know it’s stupid. I see him every day.”
“It’s not stupid. He misses you too.”
“You think so?”
His chin rests on my shoulder. “Take a good look at him. You’re too lost in your own pain to see it, but he’s hurting just as bad. If you two don’t reconcile, maybe we need to think of another way to do things. It’s too painful for both of you like this.”
“I can get it together. I just need time to adjust. I don’t want him to leave.”
“I know.”
“I know you want me to take him back, Air. We were going to marry him, and I’m screwing that up, but I just…can’t.”
“Hey.” He rolls me to face him. “You didn’t screw up anything. None of this is on you. He fucked up. I’m not blaming you.”
Nodding, I cuddle into him, burying my face in his chest. “Do you think he went down on her?”
After a slight pause, he replies, “I seriously doubt that. Is that what bothers you most?”
“It’s not knowing what they did. If he kissed her or touched her…like he did me. If he held her all night.”
“Sweetheart, you’re torturing yourself. I think that’s a long way off from what happened. I think it was a quick drunken screw, but I’m not the one to ask. You need to talk to him.”
Yeah, because that won’t be completely humiliating.
Chapter Eleven
Joseph
The last two weeks have been a nightmare. The first week at Lexi’s seemed like a month. Airen was so pissed he couldn’t stand the sight of me, and Abby…fuck, what I did to my girl. I’ll never forgive myself. The worst thing is not being able to answer them when they ask why I did it. There’s so little I remember.
I recall Eric and Lexi inviting me in for a drink, but I could barely keep my eyes focused so I turned them down. I walked Emma home when she asked and went inside to check the house because she swore she saw a shadow. That fucking bitch. I know she planned that shit.
I remember her handing me a drink and I refused, sitting it on her coffee table. My head was spinning. I sat on the couch and she brought me a glass of water. After that I only get flashes. She’s straddling me, her tits bouncing in my face, my pants and boxers around my thighs. Her voice, moaning, then cursing.
I passed out at some point, but I must’ve finished first. When I woke, my pants were still down, Emma was naked beside me with the evidence of my massive fuckup dried on her thighs, and Abby’s wide eyes were staring at me in shock. God, I’ll never forget the look on her face. I’ve never been so panicked, so fucking scared. I ruined everything. They wanted to marry me, and I blew it all to hell.
Abby’s devastated, and though Airen and I are still together, I let him down, disappointed him. It’s nothing compared to what I’ve done to my relationship with my girl. This last week, watching her tiptoe around me, avoid me, always with that sad look on her face, has been torture. She’s lost weight and spends too much time staring into space.
I want to grab her, hold her tight, kiss her until she can’t breathe. I want to beg her to take me back, to forgive me, but I know that’s not fair. It hurts to see her so upset, struggling to make this work for me and Airen. It kills me not to touch her, to tell her again and again how much I love her, how sorry I am, but she’ll never forgive me.
It took so long to get her to trust me, to believe I love her, and I’ve destroyed that. I’ve watched her suffer through the last week and I have to face the fact I may have to move out. I can’t keep doing this to her. But it’s hard to give up hope that we’ll work things out, especially since Airen seems so damn sure she’ll take me back.
“I picked up some scary movies,” Airen says, after another awkward dinner. “Kids are gone for the night. Movie marathon? I’ll protect you when you get scared,” he teases me, pinching my ass.
“Sounds good. Do you want some popcorn, Abby?”
A small smile tilts her lips as she answers me. “Sure, thanks.”
Airen settles between us, and Abby cuddles against his side. The scent of coconut drifts from her hair, making me hard, making me want her. All that smooth skin beneath my fingers, her taste on my tongue, her moans and sweet little whimpers. God, I miss her.
Abby’s laughter fills the room as the credits roll on the first Paranormal Activity movie. “That wasn’t scary at all!”
“Are you serious? It jerked her right out of bed!” I argue, glad to see a smile on her face.
“That was the only thing that happened. Two hours of boring and then that,” she scoffs, sounding more like herself.
“Okay, Ms. Fearless, you a
sked for it,” Airen warns, popping a DVD in the player.
“What is it?” Abby asks.
“A little something by Stephen King.” His grin widens along with her eyes.
“Not Pet Semetary!” She smacks him on the arm.
“I’m coming for you, Rachel…and this time, I’ll get you,” Airen screeches in a high creepy voice, clawing at her.
With a squeal, she scoots across the couch, away from him, landing half in my lap. My arms automatically wrap around her. “Don’t make me get the Child’s Play movies out,” I threaten Airen, squeezing her tighter. She feels so good in my arms. She belongs there. “Your husband is afraid of dolls,” I whisper in her ear.
Her giggle loosens something inside me, makes it easier to breathe. When she scoots off my lap, Airen settles on her other side, shooting me a quick smile when she’s tucked between us. For the first time since I came home she seems relaxed with me, even hiding her face in my arm when the scary parts come on.
“I’m going to have nightmares about that bitch’s twisted back tonight,” she says with a shudder as Airen pops in the next movie. “I hope you’re happy.”
“Aw, I’ll protect you,” Airen teases. “Especially if she’s under our bed.”
“Very funny.”
A few moments into the next movie, Airen yawns and leans to kiss Abby. “I’m going to go to bed, darlin’. Can’t keep my eyes open. Tell me how it ends. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He leans down to drop a quick kiss on my lips and murmurs, “Talk to her.”
He turns and heads down the hall. “Joseph’s watching your ass!” Abby calls after him, grinning at me.
“Narc,” I accuse.
A clap of thunder rattles the windows just before the wind begins to howl. We settle in to finish the movie, but it becomes hard to hear over the wind. It’s really picking up. When I turn to Abby to suggest we pause the show until the storm’s over, she’s staring at the window and gnawing her fingernails.
