The Beast And Me

by D. S. Wrights

  My eyes were still locked to Jay’s, who crouched, getting ready to leap, like no other threat was present.

  “I wanted to show you the monster you are in love with”, White whispered hotly, damply, sending spider legs down my skin, and by the look that Jay gave me I knew that he had perfectly heard and understood these words.

  A tremor rolled though that perfect body of his: tall, athletic, I’d gladly give him some body fat, so no one would be hurt by accidentally touching him. He was a living and breathing rock, bronze colored marmoreal, marvelous and unreal. I didn’t care about that warped face of his, and in the end, I didn’t even care that seeing him would have made me and every other girl my age blatantly drool. What I did care about was his constant shaking, and that look in his eyes, this mixture of rage and fear, and that he, who has physically scarred me for life, managed to restrain himself, because of that gun being aimed at my head.

  “Look at him”, White continued, spider that he was, straightening up so he could address us both as he continued: “Isn’t he gruesome? Isn’t he an animal, a monster? Covering itself with blood he’s drawing relentlessly?"

  I barely heard the words; just saw Jay’s expression on a face that wasn’t monstrous to me.

  This was the countenance of a man being scared for me and afraid of my reaction to those words, that I might actually see truth in them. I couldn’t say anything, not with that gun pressed against my temple, not with what I saw: his suffering, his desperate fight for restraint.

  Yes, White was right. I think I tightened my jaw, thinking this. What one could see was a monster, but it was a creature he had created, he had been asking for, and I was sure that whatever happened that Jay had acted like that, it was White’s fault, because he perfectly had proven to me that the only true monster here was him.

  I don’t know for how long he allowed us to stare at each other, but I could see at some point that Jay did hurt himself by clenching his clawed hands into fists. The only explanation I can come up with is that he needed to stay like that and not shift back, not move an inch, because White wanted me to see the monster. I could only see a man drawing his own blood so that I wouldn’t get hurt.

  “Remember that”, White suddenly spoke again, making me flinch instinctively.

  I’m not sure whether he meant Jay or me. Somehow I believe he meant us both.

  I kept looking at the man in the shape of a warped animal and I knew that beneath this skin there still was a human. White would never understand, would he?

  Although he had never told me, I just know that Jay had been a normal human once, that he hadn’t been born this way.

  He had been created.

  Right then and there in this uncovering daylight, I could see the torment in his eyes. I just knew. And it was, it is, the only logical explanation for him stopping the second he saw me in danger, instead of attacking. I’m not making this up, am I? I need him to have been a normal human once and everything in my head screams that I am right.

  “Please”, my voice was less lowly, than I expected. “Don’t hurt him.”

  All of them looked at me, like they didn’t believe that I had been saying that, but I didn’t care about anyone but Jay. He just had to know that I didn’t despise him, that I didn’t abhor him.

  “Interesting”, was all that White commented on that, but I heard more than just that one word.

  This guy is a pervert, a true monster and unpredictable, insane, mad, and everything one can think of when picturing him: the Spider, a real Doctor Frankenstein. I will never tell what is going on in this man’s head and it terrifies me more than Jay ever could. I am sure of it.

  The gun was removed from my temple, but I flinched as I felt that man’s hands on my shoulder with him leaning to my ear again: “But how can I teach him a lesson then?”

  White asked me like I was a little girl and I felt sick all of the sudden.

  “He has to learn to follow orders and since I had rewarded him with you he disobeyed even more. Since you said his name there’s no working with him.”

  I heard it.

  White called Jay a ‘him’ and not an ‘it’. This is a difference. I am right. That’s proof enough for me.

  I need some sleep. I’ll continue writing later.

  They haven’t taken me to the gym yet. Why wouldn’t they? I would refuse to work out anyway. So I continue writing.

  “No one touches him”, White ordered after I didn’t give him an answer.

  “You”, he pointed at Jay, “back to the cage”.

  Yes, it is in fact called the cage and he followed that order without hesitation, and White pushed me forward to follow him.

  I asked myself if he would force anything on us again, or if he wouldn’t. Actually, there was nothing left, he could do now, at least nothing that came into my mind, apart from all these things that already had happened.

  Yet, there was no way I could imagine what was going on in this mad head of his. So many people are so easy to read, but not him. He is truly a madman and I’m at his mercy. We are.

  “You know. I need him in the field, I made a promise”, White explained while walking; now solely speaking to me, explanatory again. “I need him functioning. We had made such a good progress and then I made the mistake to give you to him. I had hoped for a certain result. And now I cannot keep you away from him because it gets worse. You understand my dilemma?”

  I nodded.

  He had given Jay hope, something he probably didn’t even know it existed.

  “You think you see a human”, White figured and nodded. “He was this once, yes, and somehow the second he saw you that memory was triggered. But he isn’t. I tried to show you that, in so many ways.”

  I could tell by the way Jay’s shoulders tensed that he listened to those words as well.

  He wasn’t wearing a shirt and now I could see the old scars I had felt before among the cuts that would be new ones. He had already been through enough.

  “This human died and we brought him back, not human, do you understand?” White continued, now obviously trying to convince me with words. “Your feelings for him, your caring will backfire on you. He will hurt you and it won’t be my order.”

  There he had admitted it. He had ordered Jay to hurt me. Knowing this was one thing, hearing the affirmation was something else entirely.

  “The first time, however, wasn’t my order. That was him entirely”, he added, as if he could read in my face what I had been thinking.

  I don’t know if I managed to, but I tried to appear composed, and to keep my face blank, while staring at Jay’s back, which was swallowed by the darkness as he stepped through the door which leads to his cage.

  White shoved me right after him. Getting inside I was prepared to answer him, that he was getting this wrong, that reminding Jay of his human side was a good thing, that it actually was what White had been aiming for.

  I didn’t get the chance to say any of it, because of the iron grip on my upper arm and those words that followed, as White eventually let go of me: “She wants to see the human. Show it to her... if you can.”

  Yes, he said that and my heart started to race in that moment. Jay turned around, but still with these deformed features.

  He didn’t change, instead he walked towards me, placing his stained clawed hands on my shoulders and shoved me back outside.

  The rest of that day I spent working out and I guess they waited for me to say that I want back. I didn’t and that is why I am sore now.

  I still have this image in front of my eyes. Of Jay and how he glanced at me, how he looked. I wish I knew... I mean I wish he had just changed and let me look at him. Why didn’t he show me? Couldn’t he change, was it that?

  Day 66

  I doubt that anything will happen today, even though it’s a straight day. That doesn’t matter anyhow.

  Two months... it’s been two months. And I was right, nothing happened apart from Peter bringing my mat.

  Y
es, I got it, my yoga mat. Peter looked tired and worried. There was this expression on his face like he wanted to tell me something, but he didn’t stay. I didn’t know if I should ask him. I mean, don’t judge me. I don’t trust him, but I’d love to talk to someone. I’d love to talk to Jay, and if I’m being honest: I miss Peter, miss having my meals together with him, to talk to him, because in those moments I was able to pretend that everything was normal. I have unlearned to daydream, to imagine a different reality, to flee from this. And it has only been two months.

  I’m feeling so tired, even though I’ve slept a lot. I guess it’s me getting my period soon. I hate that. I know I’ll be hungry all the time now. I guess I ate my Breakfast in record time. I’m on edge. I don’t know why. It’s not that I’ve got a sixth sense or something. Still, I feel like something is going to happen soon. Or maybe I just hope. Then again White taught me never to hope for anything to happen. I have to be picky and wait for something specific, just in case. I should have gone up again tonight, but I just feel so... tired. Maybe I’m scared what I will find.

  I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know how I did this anymore.

  Maybe, because I was in shock, or in denial?

  Or did I think all of this was a dream just to realize that it isn’t? If I got a chance I would kill him. I would kill White, this sadistic pervert pig, the human spider. He is the monster and no one else.

  Who put him in charge? How could I even think of trying to play along with his perversions when he... this man is despicable! I hate him. I despise him. I loathe him.

  God, is this even real? Is this reality? Am I dead? Or in Hell? I want to go insane. I want to lose my mind, because being aware of all this, knowing that this is real it’s just...

  I can’t do this anymore. Not like that.

  I need to get out of here.

  I... I can’t write down what happened. I can’t write down the details. Not now... It’s just. How could I even do this before? I am not imagining this, am I?

  He... White... I guess this place gets to him as well. Because... how can a human be like this? I mean I’ve read and seen so much of this, but... I guess it makes it rather unreal and one never believes that this could happen to them.

  I was brought into the cage again, shackled to the wall again and I don’t know why I was so stupid to believe that we would get back to where we once were. But no, White was there and he ordered everyone out, in his typical tone again. I am sure that there was even no one in the surveillance room.

  ... Is this how power corrupts?

  I couldn’t turn around, but I heard him. I knew he was there, not only because White talked to him, telling him that he was losing patience.

  “If you don’t manage to control yourself, you are worthless to me and this means she is worthless as well”, he explained and yes, of course he was talking about me. “So, I order you to do what you have failed to do the last time I ordered you: shift back. If you turn and try anything, I will punish her, not you, her. Now shift back!”

  Yes, I have welts on my back and it hurts like hell. But you know what? Somehow I am really happy that I got them and that this pervert of a man didn’t do more, like he threatened to.

  He told Jay that he would... take me if he would continue to fail and seriously: how should Jay not lose his temper hearing that? White knew that it was impossible. I swear he wanted to do this to me.

  I’m going to kill him... or I’ll kill myself.

  No, he won’t get me. I won’t give him that satisfaction. He won’t break me. White can whip me with that quirt a thousand times, but I won’t give in.

  Yes, I know.

  I know I wasn’t as strong as I want to appear.

  Jay didn’t succeed and so he had to watch. He had to watch how White pulled out that quirt and stroke me.

  I didn’t count. It was more important to me to muffle every sound that tried to betray me and flee from my throat. I bit my lip until it bled, which was stupid, because Jay could smell it.

  I guess White didn’t strike as hard as he could have, but it did hurt nonetheless.

  Still, somehow I regained my very own special ability. I was somewhere else again, watching a movie, where the heroine was being punished to shake the viewers, and she kept strong.

  Day 67

  No idea why, really, but I guess that it is a good thing that this pain on back makes me angry, not Jay-angry luckily but somehow every time my back hurts I’m pissed. I almost wrote Ten-angry instead of Jay.

  It’s not like I’m falling back into not seeing him as a human, but it makes me realize: it’s like with Jekyll and Hyde. It’s Jay and Ten.

  Whatever White has done to him... could it be that there are in fact two personalities inside of him? It would make sense that me calling him by his name, his real name, which I gave him not only hope, but reminded him who he really is, and that something else has taken over.

  Now, I’m really crazy. No, he is one person, because I can see it, I saw it in the hole, in his eyes. Even as he stood there fully warped into that creature Spider-White calls Ten, all I saw was Jay, and how terrified he was of the thought that White would actually shoot me.

  It helps a lot for being fully awake, when you get up after the first nightly check-in to pull yourself up a vent (sarcasm-alert).

  The mat works perfectly by the way.

  I just need to remind myself to actually use it for its official purpose today, so that no one gets suspicious.

  I went further down the rabbit hole tonight, but I really have to be cautious taking that shortcut across this interrogation chamber, because I almost fell through the grate and it doesn’t look like there’s something movable down there to get me up again, or even to fix the broken grate.

  On the other hand, it’s good to know that I won’t have to use much force for those horizontal openings. I only need something really neat to hold them in place once I got through them.

  I have to remember to take the scotch tape with me just in case. Yet I doubt that it would hold it long enough. Still, if I break through accidentally, I have something up my sleeve, which makes me think: I need a belt. So next mission: get some gear.

  However the air circulation system splits up several times. I need a marker so that I can make notes at the crossings in order to navigate through them. It makes more sense to actually mark and write against the metal in there than risking a map being discovered.

  Planning all this is fun, really.

  And yes: I got to the anteroom of the cage, like I hoped. And yet, I didn’t dare to go any further, I have to admit it, because I heard noises and I couldn’t tell if it was him or not. So, I took a peek into the surveillance room, you know – the one with the black glass window Spider-White likes to perv through – meaning that I had to climb.

  Now I know that I really need gloves. It’s not really a strength or endurance issue. I mean, of course, more training will help me move more silently and faster, but of course these tunnels weren’t made for anyone to crawl through all the time.

  It’s funny that I totally keep forgetting that I’m freaked out by narrow spaces, probably because my head is full with other things. In my head, I am making a gear list, which I repeat while I’m crawling my way through the air system. I have changed so much already.

  So yes, I could take a look at the monitoring room and of course that black mirror is actually a window. No big surprise. But I couldn’t see through it from my position. Maybe it was the wrong angle, or maybe it’s one of those electrified mirrors, you know that become transparent, when the electricity is switched off. That wouldn’t be a big surprise either, since this corporation or secret operation obviously has tons of money to burn. However, they have some monitors and I believe... that they are taping everything. This is so disgusting...

  I tried to find a way around the cage. The ceiling is very high and I fear that the vent system ends here, at least, when I follow the left arm of this labyrinth. But
I have to be careful. I don’t want to risk anything. So I went back.

  Now Peter is going to take me to the gym and I’ll ask him if I can stay a bit longer and if he could pick me up earlier tomorrow. I have to work on my durability. I want to be able to support myself on my arms only. If only my trainer at school could read this...

  They say pain is gain, and it’s actually true. But I have to be careful not to do the same thing over and over again. Luckily I have a good memory.

  Like the teacher said: so that your muscles can gain strength, they have to get time to grow, or something like that. Meaning: I will have to give every muscle part a day rest so that it actually can progress.

  So I need to train different areas on different days. Of course for warming up I’ll keep going on the treadmill and bike. I’m really eager, but again: there’s something to gain here for me.

  As I came back into my room there were two ‘new’ books on my table. I knew instantly that White brought them and really... it’s one about Yoga and one about Tai Chi and I had to laugh, because Tai Chi is also some sort of martial arts. Once women weren’t allowed to fight so they created that sort of ‘dance’. Thank you for supporting my plans. I have to try this out instantly, but after Lunch. And I’ll just pretend not to freak out because I cannot remember actually asking for those books, I just wrote down that I was thinking about doing it, the Yoga book.

  Of course, this though is sneaking into my mind – I can feel the spider on my skin again – that White actually might read my diary. But why then am I still crawling through the air circulation system?

  I really started to go through these books, but learning it from drawings and descriptions isn’t that easy. I wish I had television so I would actually see it. However, I didn’t get far because Peter knocked and entered when I asked him to come in – because that’s what you do.