The Beast And Me

by D. S. Wrights

  He wanted to know if I was alright.

  Obviously he knew about what had happened. Strange that it took him so long to ask me, but then again, he had promised not to bother me until I said something first.

  “I would show you, but I guess I can also tell you that I should be blue and purple on my back? I’m sure it’s some sort of progressive art. At least your boss definitely will see it as such.”

  I couldn’t help it. Sarcasm is my new middle name. It’s the only weapon I have, the only thing they cannot strip from me. Apart from that I have to admit that I liked the expression on his face, and the way he reacted. It wasn’t pity; it was concern, trouble and a flash of anger. I just need to like him for that.

  Although I want to believe that he’s just an incredibly good actor, something tells me he’s not. Maybe White has tricked him as well. Or maybe I am wishing so badly that at least someone around here is a normal sympathetic human being, that I am blind.

  “I’m here to take you for a walk”, Peter said, taking me off guard, and of course I instantly was tensed and worried; still I went with him.

  I mean, what other choice did I really have?

  We were alone, no Gray, no White, just Peter and me and he didn’t touch me to lead the way. I just stayed at his side. There were only two directions we could have gone and I’m not sure which one would have worried me more: right or left, left or right, gym or cage. It was cage. Yet, I knew that this complex was huge, so who knew if we really were going to that specific destination. Maybe we were just walking; maybe I would see the sun once more?

  When we passed the door to the cage, I relaxed and I think that he noticed, even though he didn’t smile as a reaction. Luckily I didn’t think about that then, otherwise I would have worried, maybe I would have anticipated what would come next, and I would definitely react out of instinct. Instead, I ran into it blindsided.

  I realized where we were headed when we had already arrived: Jay’s cell. And I was still telling myself that we weren’t, even when it already was too obvious.

  Clinging to the belief that the good side in people is always stronger than the bad is naïve.

  Will I ever learn?

  As I stood there for the second time, I saw the number 10 on that door and it felt strange to see that. Did I miss that the last time? Probably White had freaked me out too much then. Being caught up in that memory, I touched the number without thinking and an unexpected movement made me flinch.

  Startled, I realized that it had been Peter’s hand moving past my face, not touching me, but removing the blind so that I could look inside the room.

  The place looked orderly now, neat even. I didn’t know what I really had expected to see or what I had hoped to look at. However, what I saw was neither and both. There was someone inside there doing pushups, the bare back faced to the door.

  Even without having read that number, even without having been there once before, I would have recognized that body anywhere and anytime. It was Jay.

  I remember looking at Peter questioningly, but he didn’t react apart from stepping back. So my eyes moved to this picture in front of me, instinctively, because of Peter’s expression.

  Yes, who wouldn’t like to look at a back like that: perfectly shaped and athletic. And I knew it better than my own, since I had the chance to see it up close more than one time.

  Suddenly Jay stopped his movement and pushed himself onto his feet swiftly. I held my breath.

  “It’s not working anymore”, he said with a middle deep voice, a baritone, smooth and yet edgy.

  Yes, he spoke, and this voice sounded so strange and still so familiar to me that it made me shudder. It was not that deep and full like the cougar I had met so often, it was softer... human, somewhat hoarse, still deep, but young, younger than I had imagined, than I had expected. My heart made a jump and started racing wildly. The meaning of his remark eluded me and Jay didn’t continue, even though he had taken in the air in order to do so. He froze, tensed, I watched the muscles on his back and neck twitch, and I realized, that he could hear my pulse.

  How do I describe this feeling? I don’t know how.

  “Meghan”, he said my name, not as a question, but as a statement, and even though they were only two syllables I could hear his voice crack slightly.

  Still, he had said my name and I instinctively shifted closer to the door. I can still feel the metal beneath my palms, even though I can’t recall reaching out to touch it. To hear him talking and to hear him speak out my name was something entirely different, otherworldly even. The sound of my name just... I felt like soaring, like being put in cotton, onto a cloud, waking up from a nightmare, lying next to him. All I wanted was to touch him, to pull him close, close to me and just hold him. But I couldn’t.

  “Jay”, I head myself answer, but he didn’t turn around.

  Why wouldn’t he turn around for me to see his face? Instead, I watched his body tense, every muscle strain turned into taut wires. First, it was solely his head that moved, with his torso following just slightly, to the point that his eyes could catch my face. What I saw right then were finer features than I had learned to know, human ones, quickly deforming, warping to what I had become familiar with... and then Peter shut the blind.

  “We need to go back.”

  I was paralyzed, needing a moment to return to reality, to this place of cold and white darkness. Somehow I managed to nod, even before I comprehended the combination of these five simple words.

  I still ask myself what Jay meant, saying “It’s not working anymore”. Maybe I should ask him tonight.

  Somehow I feel like I already know the answer. He didn’t tense immediately, like he was used to all this, like he wasn’t really expecting me, even though he definitely should have been able to catch my scent. Yet, he acted like I wasn’t around until he heard my heart pounding and me holding my breath.

  Are they trying to condition him?

  Day 68

  This stinging pain it tells me everything I need to know about how the next days are going to be: just perfect. I should have known that I’m going to have my period soon. I can’t climb through the vent now. Not only because Jay apparently has a perfect sense of smell, and... I don’t want to upset him, but also losing blood, even the slightest amount messes with me completely. It weakens me. Plus the roller coaster ride of hormones my body is going through. Nausea!

  I keep asking myself what Jay was talking about.

  ‘It’s not working anymore’.

  I know I’ve asked this before. I’m getting a headache. I should sleep.

  No one bothered me. Gray brought my food. Not Peter. Are they punishing me for getting me to Jay’s cell? Or are they trying to make me believe that they do even though it was White’s order? I never can tell the difference. Everything that happens here can be due to the Spider King’s bidding.

  They didn’t take me to the gym, as if they knew. They probably do know that workout will start raising hell in my uterus and so they will keep me away from that place for the next few days.

  This is creepy. Doc probably has records about things like these. That’s more than creepy, it’s disgusting.

  No White, no Peter, no Jay, but cramps, lots of them, and nausea. I can’t even get up at normal speed without the world turning upside down and round and round. Never had that before. And I’m freaking hungry. I’m starting to get annoyed and I’ve got no nerves for teaching myself Yoga or Tai Chi. I just hate everything.

  If I could get at least some fresh air, but no! And how will I survive in this room when I can’t do a thing? I will definitely not talk to Gray. I don’t want to read. I know all these stories.

  This day sucks. Everything sucks. And why do I imagine Jay cuddling me? He doesn’t even know me, all he does is... would he do that if we were... nothing more than a normal couple?

  I feel like crying.

  Day 69

  I’m in pain.

  I feel like my own body is tor
turing me, no, is against me. I feel like being punished for not being pregnant. What have I done to deserve this? I can’t do anything but lie down and squirm?

  No, I shouldn’t move at all!

  Peter is being so nice to me again.

  He brought me tea. It feels so good, like a life potion. But he doesn’t speak to me.

  I guess Gray is standing outside again and that’s why Peter doesn’t dare. Or maybe it’s because he remembers the consequences of the last time we spoke or rather came closer to each other just as vividly as I do.

  And yet, I really cannot understand why I kissed him. I really don’t. I can’t remember what I felt, what made me do it. All I could try to do is explain it rationally, but there is no emotion connected to that memory. It’s like watching a movie without sound. I just don’t get it.

  And then there is this fact of him taking me to see Jay. Actually didn’t really get to see him, in the real sense of that word. In the end, I was just there to torture him again. But it hurts me as well. This image of him, of his face, his human face, as briefly as I saw it, it’s still etched into my brain.

  Oddly, it comes close to what I have imagined, only... that he’s even better looking than I have expected. I pictured Jay as average as me, and of course – just like in these stupid young adult novels of mine – he’s actually model material.

  Am I really just a reward? Or the ultimate tool to break him? Is this what this is all about? Am I used to give him hope just to tear it away from him? To destroy the last bit of resistance that might be hidden inside of him? Can I live with this?

  White wants to force him into blind obedience and he’s using me for it. Oh, he’s definitely wrong about that. I won’t stand for that.

  69 days. Is it really just that long? It feels much longer, so much longer.

  Peter brought be a hot-water bag. I really don’t know what to make of it, what to think of him. He’s so nice and still White’s soldier. Maybe I should do something they don’t expect. I mean. They are using me, why should I not use them? But I’m not like them, am I? Do I really want to become like them if it means that I can break out? What would that say about me?

  Day 70

  When I woke up this morning it seemed to start out like a decent day. No piercing pain, no stinging. Breakfast was okay as well, apart from – or maybe – because of the fact that Peter accompanied me. I was blunt. I asked him. Simply because he had been blunt to me as well.

  And yes, they are ‘out’ doing some tests again, whatever that means. However, I don’t like the sound of it. Maybe – I didn’t ask – they are really timing it to my period? Would they? Or is it a lucky coincidence? – If you can define that as ‘lucky’. – And then again, nothing here is really a coincidence. Thinking this, I have an ill sensation in my stomach. Somehow I believe that they know what I’m doing at night; that I’m crawling through the narrow tunnels that are the air venting system. They know and they let me do it.

  Are there cameras and I don’t see them? Are they reading my diary? I just can’t shake it off. They are doing the same to me as they do to him: giving me hope so that in the right moment, they can tear it away from me, leaving me in the grasp of ultimate devastation, so that I will lose my will to fight. Somehow I know that, but I’ll try anyway. As long as I have hope, I will cling to it.

  Apparently Peter dares, or is allowed to eat with me when White’s ‘out’. Why else would he act like this again? Should I care? I care about Jay.

  “So why did you bring me to him?” I asked at Lunch and made him almost choke on his food.

  I didn’t laugh, even though it looked funny.

  “So that he would freak out? Is this all what this is about? Him freaking out when he should learn not to? I mean what stupidity is that? Referring to him as an animal, treating him like an animal, but then expecting him to behave like a human?”

  It just blurted out of me.

  Not that I really tried to stop it.

  I’m weary, tired. I don’t care anymore. I guess I will care again the next time White plays out one of his eerie perversions on me.

  “I don’t know what his intentions are”, Peter answered to my outbreak, like it hadn’t been like that, like we were simply having a normal conversation – it was unsettling me, “but I think that you are right. Denying him to be treated as a human makes it definitely easier for others to not think of him as equal. And not befriend him accidentally. I mean, I talk to him now and then and it’s...”

  He cut himself off, but it had already been too late. Somehow I was smart enough to hide my excitement, my surprise and my confusion. As I did, all that was left in me was concern, asking myself what exactly he was telling Jay.

  “Don’t tell my boss about it”, Peter added quickly, but it wasn’t what I needed to know.

  White knew everything anyhow; I doubted that he trusted Peter blindly, not when he was able to use him.

  A voice inside me is warning to take this as the truth, but I guessed I should at least fake that I believed him.

  I know I should try to make him trust in me being naïve when it comes to him. It’s not that I am planning to meet Jay on my own terms soon, right?

  And yes, apart from dining with Peter, having small conversations, and being unsure if and how I should play him, nothing really happens. I mean... he did play me too, right? Shouldn’t I repay the favor? But then... what might he expect? What else do I have to give than what is not already Jay’s?

  Day 71

  I heard them talk about me. I just... I can’t put into words how I feel. I need to get out of here. I have to stop pretending that this is just a nightmare; because nightmares aren’t real. This however is more than real.

  I got into the vent again, during the day, because I felt like climbing up the walls so why not take it literally? Since they didn’t take me to the gym again, which they could have, because I’m back to normal, almost, I thought I’d take a stroll. I mean women can spend an hour in the shower. Still, I have to be careful, because I don’t want them to put me back in that little cell.

  But I climbed into the vent. I wanted to take a look if I could find the way to Jay. I didn’t come far because I heard voices and apparently that room next to mine really seems to be an office.

  Guess whose? Exactly!

  Well, at least White was the one sitting at the desk like he was a king or something. Not a characteristic of his that took me by surprise. And he was having a conversation with someone I couldn’t see.

  I know his name now, White’s real name: Doctor Severin. It doesn’t make him appear less despicable.

  “So, since we are keeping her here, we could – or rather should – take her into the program. Otherwise, she’s just wasting resources”, the other guy said.

  I couldn’t see him; he was walking around in the room and I didn’t want to take the risk moving closer to the vent. The way that other guy spoke, made him sound like he was meeting White at eye level, like they were equals. I don’t know how to take that information. Yet, what he said exactly was rattling me more and I had a hard time breathing lowly, and avoiding shivering.

  “She is already part of the program”, White responded.

  You want to know why I know they were talking about me. Wait for it.

  “Doctor Severin, I don’t see what her being Ten’s outlet is her being part of the program. Wouldn’t it make some sense to give her the treatment as well?” the other guy gave back.

  “And then what? You know that there is a high possibility that he won’t touch her again" White retorted. “We already tried that, remember?”

  I’m not Jay’s first. Not that I already was suspecting that, but hearing this... was more than just a sting.

  “Then we give her to one of the other subjects. What about Four?”

  White smashing his palm onto the desk made me flinch, luckily I was already so tense that I barely moved and made no noise, not even hissing in air, because I already was holding it.


  “You are overstepping”, he said after a pause – so no equal. “Let me explain something to you”, White got up from his desk and even though he didn’t know that I was there, even though I was a few feet up in a vent, he gave me the creeps. “I will try to explain this in a way that you can comprehend. You are aware of our problem that all of our subjects have mutated differently from what we had anticipated. Their second DNA is dominating the human strain. We have to find a way to correct this and there are two possibilities to do this quickly. First is trial and error on our living subjects. We don’t have many in a comatose state and we know that each DNA is reacting differently. Or we are going old school.”

  “Old school”, White’s – Severin’s – guest repeated, not knowing what he was talking about, I however suddenly had a very, very bad feeling.

  “Breeding”, I could see him shrug and that movement seemed to switch on a sickness in my stomach, sending my bile up my throat.

  I was wrong: they aren’t putting anything into my food to prevent pregnancy.

  “So that’s what she’s here for?” the guy asked.

  “Not solely. She’s of multiple uses. Ten is attached to her, so that is how we can condition him.”

  “I haven’t seen any progress, quite the contrary.”

  “I am working on that matter”, White responded. “And since I have the freedom to do everything that I see fit, I will sooner or later break him. He will give in. He’s one of the few who still possess human sanity and reason. He knows this, and also that we are aware of it. This is another reason why she has to stay like she is now. He feels responsible for her, since he is aware of the fact that her being here is because of him.”