All That the Heart Desires

by June Moonbridge

  I searched his eyes, but found no trace of doubt; I only hoped he was telling me the truth. He knew how to hide his feelings. He had a good poker face.

  We went through security quickly at the airport and were then led to the jet, which seemed so familiar to me. When the flight attendant greeted me on the ground I knew I was right. I stopped abruptly, and turned to speak to Harry, but he was nowhere to be seen.

  “What’s going on?” I asked her, but she just smiled. She was as clueless as I was. When I turned around to go back to the airport building the pilot stopped me.

  “Miss, we must go. We cannot delay the airport schedules.”

  “You’ll just have to wait,” I said firmly but, before I could walk back, my mobile rang. I looked at it and saw Harry was calling me.

  “What the hell …?” I started, but he interrupted me.

  “Get onto that damn plane and leave. You need to resolve matters with Lorcan. He’s waiting for you in São Paulo. I’m going back to England where I need to chase some old ghosts of my own.”

  “But Harry.”

  “I need to do this, Desiree, as much as you need to. The only difference is, I see it myself and you don’t. Believe me. It’s for the best, for both of us.”

  I sighed at the sound of the cut line. I followed the pilot onto the plane and let them do what they had to do. I had no other choice.

  Going to São Paulo was something I was not planning and landing there was the last thing I expected in the morning. I had been sent to Brazil and I didn’t know where to go or who to turn to. Stepping outside the jet, I was escorted to a car parked only a few feet away from the plane. It was Crest’s Bentley and I wondered if he took it with him wherever he went. It certainly appeared that way.

  John, the driver, greeted me after putting my luggage into the boot and asked for my passport. I gave it to him after I saw that some men were approaching us. I didn’t get into the car although he held the door open for me.

  I wanted to hear what they were talking about, but was left open-mouthed listening to John speaking fluid Portuguese. After customs clearance was done and my passport returned, I sat in the car in silence. The driver was a man full of surprises.

  “When were you asked to pick me up from the airport?” I asked when we were outside the airport secured areas.

  “It’s my job.”

  I sighed and looked through the tinted windows. I knew I wouldn’t learn anything from him.

  “So how was the landing?” he asked with a big smile on his face.

  “A little scary.” I never imagined what an experience landing in Guarulhos Airport, São Paulo’s airport, would be.

  As the qualifying was already taking place whilst I was landing, I wondered what position Lorcan held. It was as though John was reading my mind.

  “He came second. He needs to win this race or he will lose the Championship. Atlanta was not in his favour.” I was surprised. On Martinique Harry requested that we skip television. I hadn’t watched the Atlanta race, but I had assumed the result was not that bad. I hid my surprise.

  Although I was not really expecting it, I was not entirely surprised to be led to a room that was already occupied. The smell was all I needed and I knew I was in Lorcan’s suite. But he wasn’t there. It was nearly eight p.m. but no one I knew came to see me or at least let me know what was going on.

  I tried to reach Harry but was not successful either. I tried to reach Lorcan too but, after three rings, I dropped the line. He was probably in the middle of a meeting or having dinner with sponsors. As I was pretty hungry myself, I decided to order some dinner but a knock on the door interrupted me.

  I answered and sighed with relief to see that dinner was already taken care of. From the day that Anne-Marie had taken matters in her hands, I now tried to eat at least three times per day and in one week I’d become used to regular meals and it finally started to show.

  After dinner I decided to take a long shower. I needed it badly. The hot water felt good on my skin as always and I took time to relax.

  Still, when I came out, I was alone. There was no sign of Lorcan. I thought about what to do: there was nothing else to do but go to sleep. Crossing the Equator for the first time and taking a six and half hour flight had taken its toll. I was exhausted and didn’t care anymore whether he turned up to occupy his side of the bed or not.

  It was the first time in a month that I was woken by someone holding me in his arms and not by screaming myself awake. At first I was a little panicked as to where I was and who was with me, but the fresh and unique smell of Lorcan’s skin and his quiet words soon reassured me.

  “It’s just me,” he said and his gentle voice soon sent me back into a peaceful sleep, the kind of sleep I lost after I left him at the Crest Estate. Although my mind was still blurred, I knew very well that I did it to myself. I knew there was no one else to blame, but me.

  The next morning, I woke up quite late and found myself alone again in the room. At first I thought that all that had happened in the night was just a dream, but there was a small package on Lorcan’s pillow and the covers on the other side of the bed were messy. I still felt the warmth of his body next to mine.

  I reached for the package and was surprised by his handwriting on the top: ‘Do not open. Bring this with you.’

  This time too there were Crest Team clothes waiting for me. In an hour I was dressed and ready to go, but had no clue where to go or how to get there. My mobile rang. I picked it up and answered with a smile on my face, as I knew by the number it was Lorcan.

  “Did you sleep well, Sweetheart?”

  “I did. Thank you.”

  “You’re very much welcome,” he replied. “Are you ready?”

  “Actually I am.” I said.

  He started to laugh.

  “What?” I asked him. I didn’t know what to think.

  “John will knock on your door. Don’t forget about the package.”

  Before I could ask him what was in it, the line was disconnected. Checking the clock in the room, I saw it was almost time for the drivers’ parade and it was necessary that he attended.

  I wondered why they let me sleep that long, but a knock on the door disturbed me.

  “I’m coming,” I answered and ran back to the bedroom to get the package and hide it in my bag.

  Opening the door I saw John.

  “Hi, I’m ready,” I said and smiled. He was the same as always.

  “So let’s be off then.” He showed me the way and I went to the elevator and entered. He followed me, and this time I was not surprised to see him pushing the top button. The hour was late and there was no way we could get to the racecourse on time by car, no matter how much horsepower Crest’s Bentley had.

  Heavy clouds hung above the São Paulo skyline and I wondered how long the dry weather would hold. Usually weather during the race weekend was mixed; dry and cloudy, but many times there had been heavy rain.

  Half an hour later we were landing directly behind the teams communication centres and John led me to the Crest Team garage. It was almost empty.

  There was no one I knew. It felt awkward, until I heard the engine noises and saw on the screens that the personnel were running off the racetrack. Not long after that Bobby rushed in and gave me a big hug. I felt at home after several of the mechanics gave me friendly nods or handshakes when they saw me.

  The cars were starting to take their final places on the starting grid when I was once again given headphones with a microphone. The red lights lit up and I stopped breathing for those few seconds. I exhaled sharply when I saw that Lorcan had managed to hold onto his second position after the first two curves. Quite a few cars were damaged and were called back to their boxes for some minor repairs. Nothing major, but it spiced the race up a little.

  The season was coming to an end. After the summer off and a return to Monza, everything had changed. The Championship title was within reach of its two biggest rivals. It was an equal race between
only three drivers now.

  My eyes were glued to the screens above the ceiling in the garage. It was during the fourth lap that I heard a voice in my headphones.

  “Are you there?” As in Monza I thought I was hearing things. Only this time, it was not Lorcan, it was Daniel Crest himself.

  “Yes,” I said, not taking my eyes from the screen.

  “He needs to speak to you and he needs to speak to you now, as in a few minutes the rain will start.”

  “Okay.”

  The cameras were following the first three cars; the three drivers who could become champion. I realised I was clenching my fingers around the package I had taken out of my handbag.

  “She’s listening, Lorcan.”

  “Desiree,” finally I heard his voice.

  “I’m here.”

  He sighed.

  “You can’t even guess how much that means to me.”

  “Lorcan you must drive. You can’t talk to me.” He laughed.

  “I’ll obey this time. But be sure this won’t happen much in the future.”

  “In the future?” I asked, but saw Daniel indicate to me that the line between us had been cut off. At almost the same time the rain began to fall and the guys in the garage started to prepare for the tyre change.

  The cars came in one by one as if on a conveyor belt and, in only seconds, they left again on their wet tyres. Almost all came in except Lorcan, as he had had his tyres for wet weather from the start. The team had predicted that the rain would start to fall very soon after the start of the race. Lorcan had gambled and in the first ten rounds it had paid off. He led the race.

  In any event, the victory was not yet secured. In the middle of the race, the rain turned into a nasty storm and it looked like the stewards would be forced to end the race as so many cars slid off the track on the same turn—Curva do Sol. I recalled that the same thing had happened in the past too. With many cars crashing and sliding off the track, the press were saying sarcastically that it was the most expensive parking place on Earth. Eight cars slid in ten laps due to aquaplaning. The racetrack was not ready for such heavy rain.

  Even Lorcan himself had trouble avoiding the water on the track. He was forced to leave the ideal line drive. His two pursuers were having similar problems because it was necessary. The race was not finished and it looked like the stewards didn’t want to end it. The season was too exciting and such an exhilarating race as this entertained the spectators.

  Changing tyres twice mixed the order of the drivers and we all just watched the screens to see what would happen at the end. Only five laps before the finish, the rain stopped falling as suddenly as it had started.

  Bobby invited me closer to the pit lane. It was almost impossible for Lorcan to lose. The other contenders were close behind but too far to catch him or even to overtake him. The team held their breath until the chequered flag was waved above his car and then loud cheering and laughter started to fill the garage and all the men started to run to where the first three drivers had parked their cars.

  Bobby grabbed my hand and all I was able to do was to run with him to where everyone was heading. All three winning team members were already there and Bobby and the other guys almost had to fight their way closer. I was not left behind. Even Crest joined us in waiting for Lorcan to finish his victory lap. He pulled me into his arms and whispered into my ear.

  “Thank you.” I was so surprised by those words that I just stared into his eyes.

  “He won because of you.”

  I shook my head.

  “He won because he knows how to drive.”

  Crest laughed and hugged me again.

  “A true fan.”

  Just then Lorcan parked his racing car and climbed out. He took his helmet off and checked the people waiting by the fences and only when his eyes met mine, did he raise his hand.

  “Yes! We did it!”

  Men were waiting to join him and there was hugging and laughter and congratulations all over the place. Even his rivals came and congratulated him. Then he was ushered away.

  We were all waiting in anticipation as to when we would see him on the podium. It felt like an eternity, but eventually the awards ceremony took place. Lorcan held his trophy in his hands along with the knowledge that he had achieved the impossible.

  The champagne was opened and Ron Wilde and Batista Almeida showered Lorcan with it. It was a custom that was rarely missed.

  Finally the presenter appeared. The short press conference was held there on the podium.

  As a winner, Lorcan was questioned first. The interviewer began by praising the thrilling moments and the great season he had given us all. No one had expected that at the beginning of the season something like this would happen. It was Lorcan’s sixth season in Formula 1 and he’d won them all. It was something unrepeatable, a fairy-tale come true.

  He smiled and told her that without such a good team working with his car, he wouldn’t have been able to do all that. But before she was able to ask him a new question he stopped her and directed her to Ron and Batista who were sitting on the podium and waiting for their round of questions.

  I was a little surprised that she immediately obeyed him. I felt Lorcan’s eyes on me. I looked up and he was miming a square with his hands. At first I didn’t know what he was referring to, but then I raised my hand with the package. He nodded and the interviews were over.

  The presenter had almost finished the celebrations when Lorcan turned around and stepped over to her. She looked at him in surprise, but finally she let him speak.

  He took the microphone from her hands and came closer to the fence.

  “You can open it now,” he said.

  I knew I must have blushed as everyone looked straight at me. My hands started to shake and finally I managed to tear the paper off the package to reveal a small wooden box. Without speaking, Bobby took the paper from me and with effort I managed to open it. The lid opened and everyone around me expected … God knows what. I didn’t know what to expect. But under the lid there was a small letter.

  With a question in my eyes, I raised my head and looked at him. He nodded. Crest took the box from my hands and I stood there with this very small letter in my hands. At that point I realised my shaking hands were going to have a hard time opening the letter but then I found it was not sealed, only folded over.

  I opened it and on the front of the small card was written in his handwriting:

  ‘I’m leaving F1.’

  I couldn’t believe it. I must have become pale, but managed to look in his direction again. He was nowhere to be seen. He was not on the podium anymore. For an instant my eyes met Daniel’s and he nodded. It was unbelievable. He couldn’t drop that kind of bombshell on me and just disappear.

  Suddenly I heard his voice behind me.

  “Turn the card around,” he demanded.

  “Are you insane?” I asked him.

  “Turn it around.”

  I did as I was asked and on the other side of the card was written:

  ‘You’re the missing half of me. Will you stay with me forever?’

  Before I could answer, he kissed me deeply in front of all the people around us. Just for a moment I heard the team cheering, but then everything was gone, except for Lorcan. He was right. He was the missing half of me.

  We were away for full month. It was just the two of us. We were left alone although Lorcan knew he would have to answer many unanswered questions.

  Somehow we managed to hide from the press and paparazzi. No one knew where we were, except for the Crests and Harry. We were in touch with them and that was all. We hid on an island somewhere in the Indian Ocean area and it didn’t matter at all.

  I was with him and he was with me and. The nightmares stopped. As quickly as they’d come, they were gone. Anne-Marie and Harry were right. The ghosts that had been chasing me disappeared with the promising future that now lay ahead.

  At first Lorcan didn’t want to explain his decisio
n for leaving Formula 1, but I was persistent and finally he told me his reasons. My fear was that me not following him to Abu Dhabi and Atlanta had been the main reason he’d decided to leave. I didn’t want to be the reason. Formula 1 was in his veins and I didn’t want to change him. I loved him the way he was and if that meant I would have to share him with the season then I would.

  Lorcan reassured me the reason he was going to quit was the fact that he had achieved almost the impossible. Six seasons in the ‘circus’ gave him six championship titles in a row. No one had beaten him. And if he quit now, no one would.

  He decided he wouldn’t be an active racing driver anymore. He’d made a deal with Crest to be his test driver for all the innovations on new cars every year. He wanted to be part of research and development.

  “What about the thrill of racing?” I asked him. He looked at me and said simply,

  “I’m not done yet. I know you’re not completely mine. I share you with your great loss.”

  I wanted to argue, but he sealed my lips with an almost endless kiss. This way he knew the thoughts in my head were wiped out altogether.

  It was the beginning of December when we went back to Europe. In Monaco, Lorcan needed to attend the awards ceremony for the Formula 1 Championship and there was no chance for me to stay home.

  Harry sent new outfits from the House of Dame’s latest ladies collection and Anne-Marie managed to drag me into a beauty salon for a full treatment.

  The house was empty when I returned. I actually sighed with relief thinking that Lorcan had grown tired of waiting and left, but as with so many times before … I was wrong about him. Although I argued with Anne-Marie and didn’t want to get dressed, the sound of his car brought a smile to her face.

  As I couldn’t decide what to wear, she took out the black and white, long and sparkling dress and demanded that I got dressed immediately. It was not yet late but getting back to Monaco by car, it would take a miracle to get us there on time. When she zipped me up, she left my bedroom with instructions that I was to follow her out in five minutes and no more.

  Finding the matching shoes in the boxes that lay on the floor, I put them on and sighed. I was as ready as I could be.