Ma already has the front door open when I pull in—a sign that she’s waiting for me. Whenever we have company over, Ma always has the front door open, waiting for them to arrive. It’s a sort of welcome sign, she’s always said. I haven’t even made it up the first step of the stoop before she’s opening the screen door.
"Hi, baby boy! It’s so good to see you. I haven’t seen much of your handsome face in person lately," she says, enfolding me into one of her hugs.
"Hi, Ma. It’s good to see you too. Sorry, but it’s been crazy lately. You know if I could get here more often, I’d be here." I return her hug.
"Great game last week, Son," my dad calls from behind Ma as I step inside.
"Thanks Dad. Sorry I didn’t have the chance to get up to see you guys after the game. I had press everywhere." After home games, I usually make my way to the suite, where my parents always watch our home games.
"We didn’t expect you to. I know how crazy it’s been for you lately. I’m just glad that they’re finally printing things that are true about you now,” my dad says, clapping me on the back.
"Me too, Dad. Me too!"
"Are you hungry, dear? Dinner’s ready. When’s the last time you ate?" Ma asks, ushering me to the dining room. She’s always making sure that we’ve eaten recently. I’m pretty sure she thinks we’re incapable of eating without her cooking for us.
"I had breakfast this morning, Ma, but yes, I’m hungry. I just came from a meeting with the team about our travel plans for tomorrow."
"How are things looking for next week's game?" Dad asks, taking his seat at the table.
"Looking good. I think that we can pull it off. We’re rolling on a lot of positive energy lately. I’m hoping that it keeps up.”
"That article’s done wonders for you, huh?" he asks.
"It sure has, in more ways than one."
"Oh yeah? How's that, baby?" Ma asks, setting the salad on the table.
"Well, the woman who wrote it, Ashley, and I have started seeing each other," I tell her, watching for her reaction.
She pauses mid-step while turning with the lasagna pan in her hand. After a moment, she rushes to the table to put it down before turning all of her attention on me.
"Started seeing each other? What do you mean? What happened to Melissa?" Ma asks as though I’ve just told her I’m part alien.
"Like dating, Ma. Nothing happened with Melissa. We’re friends and nothing more. I’ve told you this over and over." I’m so tired of everyone thinking that Melissa and I are an item, but I’d never noticed until just now how many people believed that we were, and I am fed up with it.
"Well, you haven’t brought home anyone other than Melissa in years. I just assumed that you would come to realize that there was something between the two of you sooner or later," Ma answers sadly. “It’s obvious to me that Melissa’s in love with you, dear.”
"The only thing between Melissa and me is friendship, Ma. I actually was just talking to Melissa about Ashley on the way over here, and she sounded thrilled. She can’t wait to meet her." Melissa’s not in love with me. Ma’s just looking for what she wants to see.
"If you say so. Tell us about Ashley," Ma says, still seeming disappointed. Her voice has none of its usual enthusiasm. She’s usually so excited to hear things about us kids, but right now she doesn’t seem all that interested. Her head rests on her hand as she listens to me tell Dad all about Ashley, but she never chimes in.
I spend the rest of the night talking about Ashley, despite my mother’s disinterest. When Ma heads off to the kitchen to clean up, Dad and I head to the family room with a couple of beers. I tell Dad all about the article and how it had been Ashley's idea to spin the article to make everyone see the real me. I tell him all about how she makes things feel different.
He seems happy to hear it, telling me that sometimes you know right away about a person, that sometimes things just fall into place. "It only took one look at your mother for me to know that I was sunk. I'm not kidding, Tanner, so if you felt that connection the first time you saw her, it’s the real deal. I know I sound like a crazy old man, but I'm dead serious. You and your sisters are the living proof that I know what I’m talking about. I have a wonderful life with a woman that I love—more than that wonderful life,” he says, finishing off his beer.
"That's beautiful, Dad.” I love the way that my dad has never hesitated to tell us how much he loves our mother. It’s such a great thing to see in a world of people divorcing each other faster than they change their underwear. I hadn’t really thought about how special it was until now, and I hope I can be that happy with someone someday.
"So’s your mother, Son. Don’t fuck it up if you feel it too.” My dad hardly ever curses, so I know he’s serious.
"I'll do my best, Dad, but the cards are stacked against me. She’s got some trust and confidence issues." I only mention it because I trust my dad implicitly, and I’m secretly hoping he can help me figure out how to navigate this uncharted territory.
"Do you know why?"
"I know a little, and that’s only because I saw her run into her ex last night. Otherwise, I don’t think she would have told me anything."
"What happened?"
"She caught her ex cheating."
"Well, that’s enough to do any woman in. What did she tell you?"
"Not much. Just basically confirmed what I’d overheard them arguing about. When I asked her to explain some of her actions, she basically told me she didn’t feel the need to tell me any more embarrassing things about herself right now. I told her that I get where she’s coming from, but I don’t want to be punished because her ex is an asshole."
"But, unfortunately, you’re going to be. There isn’t anything that you can do about that but show her you aren’t anything like him. She’s going to need someone beside her while she works through her insecurities. You need to be that man for her if you think that she’s worth it. You should ask your mother or your sisters about how to help, though."
I smile, feeling grateful. I don’t know what I would do without my parents. They’re always there without judgment and tell me the truth no matter what I want to hear. "You're right, Dad. I do think that she is worth it, so I guess that I’ll have to be the one to show her how a real man acts. I’ve had a great role model, after all."
“Then be that man, Son. You are a Garrison, after all. I know you have it in you." He winks. "Go chat with your mother. You know how much she loves it when you kids need her."
"Thanks, Dad." I lean over to squeeze his shoulder in thanks before heading to the kitchen to find Ma.
I find her making tea. I walk up behind her, kiss her cheek, and say, "I need some advice, Ma."
"Want some tea, sweetie?" She smiles at me.
"No, thanks." I’m pretty sure Ma thinks tea can solve all the world’s problems.
"Okay, let’s sit then, and you can tell me what's going on,” she says on her way to the kitchen table.
I relay my conversation with Dad to Ma and wait to hear what she has to say.
"Poor girl. That must have been awful. You sure have your work cut out for you,” she says, eyeing me over her tea.
"She's worth it, Ma. She's special. I can feel it."
"Well, let me tell you a little about the female mind then, sweetie. She’s most likely embarrassed that you even know that happened, especially since you two are just starting out. No woman wants anyone to know about something that personal. And she didn’t have the chance to tell you herself either. You overheard it."
"But that just shows what an ass her ex is. It says nothing bad about her."
"Maybe not to you, but to her, it’s a different story. She mostly likely sees herself as flawed. So she’s probably trying to figure out why he cheated and wondering what’s wrong with her that he felt the need to go elsewhere."
"That couldn’t be any further from the truth, Ma. She's amazing.”
"She may very well be, honey. But I’m a woman t
oo, and I’m sure she isn’t seeing it the way you do. Chances are she feels like it’s her fault he cheated. Her confidence is probably at an all-time low, and she won’t be quick to trust again. Especially if she loved this guy. You need to see that her scars are hers, and they’re not about you. She needs you to show her that she’s amazing and that she means the world to you. It’s what all women need normally even without being cheated on. So now you need to multiply that need by a hundred."
"Okay, I see what you mean, Ma. Thank you." I get up to hug her.
"Anytime, honey. Good luck. But remember something: You’ve just started seeing each other. You can’t demand everything from her all at once. Especially given her last relationship,” she says, hugging me back.
I feel so much better hearing Ma’s advice. I know I can show Ashley how amazing she is and slowly break her out of her shell. No problem there. I just have to figure out where to start.
Chapter 13
ASHLEY
Tanner: Favorite place to go and relax?
It’s an offbeat but intriguing question. Seems like he’s angling for info for some reason, but I do my best to play along truthfully. I try to remember a time when I’d been able to think about nothing and just relax. The first place that pops into my head is the Brooklyn Aquarium. I‘ve always loved it there. I like it better during off-season though, when it’s peaceful. The place is a madhouse during the summer. The hustle and bustle take away the serenity of it. Whiny kids, overtired parents, and punk-ass teenagers bored with Coney Island with nowhere better to go. I prefer to stand in silence and watch the beauty of nature’s creatures doing nothing except what comes to them naturally. Animals never second guess themselves like humans do. They just do what biology dictates and move on. It must be nice. I take a cue from the sea creatures and answer without overthinking for once in my life.
Me: Brooklyn Aquarium
Tanner: Interesting choice. When would you like to go?
Me: Together?
Tanner: Yeah, our first official date. When would you like to go to the aquarium?
Knowing that he wants our first date to be in a place I feel comfortable calms my nerves. My heart beats a little quicker, and my stomach does a few somersaults. I don’t remember the last time someone asked me what I wanted to do. I tend to go with the flow. Quinn asks where I want to order food from and what clubs I want to hit, but that’s usually because those decisions coincide with my job. Quinn has a more dominant personality than I do, which goes well with my easygoing nature. I think it’s the key to the strength of our friendship. I can’t recall Jason ever asking how I felt, but then again, I never made any counteroffers to anything that he suggested.
Jason would ask, "Hey do you want to go here for dinner?" and I’d agree. Or he’d say, “Let’s go watch the baseball game at so-and-so's house" and I’d nod my agreement. When Jason said, "I think this apartment is perfect," my response was to pull out a pen to sign the lease papers. I’d never put up much resistance to anything, and Jason had never bothered asking what my true feelings were.
I shake my head, snapping back to the moment at hand. Tanner isn’t Jason. I need to remind myself that it isn’t fair to Tanner or myself to keep comparing the two. Apples and oranges and all that. Tanner’s words have been sitting heavily at the bottom of my stomach since breakfast Saturday morning. I know that he shouldn’t have to pay for Jason’s faults, but he also can’t expect me to go into something new with walls down and no defenses. It just wouldn’t be smart. My wounds are still open. Even so, Tanner has already managed to put a few cracks in my newly constructed walls.
Me: You’re the one with the busy schedule. Tell me what works for you, and I'll make it work for me.
Tanner: Team meetings and game films today. Only light practice tomorrow. Does tomorrow afternoon work for you? We can go for dinner after too.
Me: Works perfectly. Can’t wait.
Tanner: Okay. Where should I pick you up? Home or office?
Me: Home.
Tanner: Okay, see you tomorrow, gorgeous!
The plan is actually perfect. It gives me a decent amount of time to get the articles I’m working on completed. Then I’ll have nothing else on my mind tomorrow.
Quinn and I haven’t had any time to talk about anything that happened after we left Levitate, so we’re having dinner and a movie at home tonight to catch up. I haven’t got the slightest clue as to what went down with her and Alex, and I’m dying for some details there. They really do seem like a match made in heaven. I also haven’t had a chance to tell her about anything that’s happened between Tanner and me. I can already see her eyes bulging out of her head when I tell her about it all. So between Quinn and work, I have enough to keep me from obsessing over tomorrow’s date. Even though I can feel the nerves setting in, I force my attention back to my laptop, determined to get my work done.
**********
"Food's here, bitch! Get your hot ass out here. I am not waiting!" Quinn yells to me from the kitchen where I’m sure the take-out is waiting.
Getting out the shower, I dry off quickly and throw on some comfy sweats. I know better than to think she’s kidding when she says she won’t wait. I’ve never seen anyone with an appetite as big as Quinn’s. And her healthy appetite extends to so many things: sex, food, shopping… I grab my hairbrush on the way out of the room, wanting to brush my hair out before it dries. If I keep on it, my hair my will dry pin-straight for tomorrow, and that’s my favorite way to wear it. I usually don’t wear it down and straight. I normally put it up in some way or other for practicality’s sake. But I have a feeling that Tanner asked me to a place I feel relaxed on purpose, so I’ve decided to stick with that theme and keep everything relaxed, including my hair. It’s just a plus that it also happens to be my favorite style.
By the time I get to the living room, Quinn already has her plate piled sky high with lo mein, fried rice, sweet and sour shrimp, and an egg roll. Her chopsticks are in her hand, ready to dive in.
"Quinn, you do know that gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, right?" I ask, grabbing a plate from the cabinet.
"So is lust, but you don’t see me giving a shit about that one either, do you? Besides, all of that sin stuff is a bunch of contradictory bullshit anyway." She shovels some rice into her mouth.
"Why contradictory? Never heard anyone say that before." Sometimes this girl really baffles me. I’ve spent days at a time trying to wrap my head around her logic before deciding it’s better to pretend that she never shared her fucked-up opinions with me in the first place. Sometimes I think she could give those conspiracy theorists some new ideas.
"Because we’re all taught to fear the wrath of God, right? Do right in life, and God will reward you, but do wrong and fear God's punishment in Hell. Wrath is a deadly sin as well, so why is it cool for God to indulge in deadly sins but not a mere mortal? Fuck that! God doesn’t get to have all the fun. I don’t give a shit what he’s done. Can anyone prove it? Nope. Therefore, I will enjoy what time I have on this Earth any which way I see fit. The only one I have to answer to at the end of the day is me. And I fully approve of all my choices." She smiles devilishly.
"Even the choice of dress you wore to the sorority formal junior year?" I ask with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, questioning her assertion.
"All right, so I can’t be perfect one hundred percent of the time. You’ll have to settle for ninety nine point four percent. Besides, tulle was in then."
"Yeah, for four year old ballerinas." I laugh.
"Whatever. Shut the fuck up and tell me about your time with the hottie quarterback."
"Nuh uh, you first. I want to hear about the hottie best friend that gave you a run for your money. I must say that I’ve never seen anything like that before. Not many people can keep up with you, lady."
"Not only could his mouth keep up with me, but his definitely bigger than six-inch penis had no problem keeping up with me either." She beams while telling me all about her
day in bed. I hadn’t known it was possible for a woman to orgasm so many times in one day, but according to Quinn, it most definitely is.
I can’t help the small bubble of jealously that rises up when I think about Quinn's ability to own everything that she does. I wish it were so easy for me.
"Okay, enough about Alex and his magic penis. I want to hear about Tanner's magic penis. It is magic, right? Please tell me you hit that. I swear to God, if you didn’t get a piece of that fine ass this weekend, you need to be worried about my wrath, not the wrath of the man upstairs." She stares at me fiercely.
Thank God I’ve got something to tell her. If I didn’t, I’d be fearful for my life right now.
"Well, I did get a piece, just not with my vagina."
"What the fuck does that mean? Let’s go! Out with it! NOW!"
"I kind of gave him a drunken blow job in the back of his car on the way home before I passed out and had to sleep it off at his place." I spit the words out all in one breath.
"Okay, first of all, never give without receiving when you’re not committed to someone. It makes you seem easy and like a push over. Next time make sure that you get yours. Rule number one. But I won’t lecture you on that now, because I’m proud that you let go for a night. So what happened after?" Quinn asks, getting up to refill our wine glasses.
"He caught me trying to sneak out before he got up the next morning." There’s no point in trying to hide my embarrassment from her. She’d see through me, and besides, I want Quinn's advice. I don’t want to be a hot mess forever.
"You didn’t, Ash," she says, her voice full of exasperation.
"I had the nightmare about the Halloween party, and then I woke up in a strange bedroom not remembering how I got there. What the hell did you think that I was going to try to do? I just wanted to avoid that awkward, 'Thanks for blowing me last night. See you around, slut' conversation," I explain, feeling suddenly annoyed. I have no idea who I am annoyed with—myself, Tanner, Quinn… Jason, for making me more of an insecure mess, or the stupid bastards from college that triggered my neurosis? Why can’t I just be normal? I just want a regular sex life so I can do whatever the hell I want and ask for what I want. I’m sick of hesitation and regret and second-guessing. Why is that so fucking hard?
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