Just Breathe Again

by Mia Villano

  House is beautiful. Everything looks good. Her father is wearing a vampire cape and sharpening a hunting knife. LOL.

  Michael was asleep in the backseat, or pretending, so he didn’t have to talk to Jeannie on the ride up there. She pulled the earphone out of his ear and said,

  “We are here. Please be polite or the iPod is mine.”

  He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on where they were. They walked up the porch and the whole front of the house was stone with a waterfall by the front door.

  “Hi, Jeannie, I’m Kane. I hope Carmen didn’t scare you about coming out here,” he reached out to shake her hand. His hands were manly and rough and they made her flinch when he touched her. A weight descended on her chest and she gasped.

  He too was as beautiful as the house. Still comparing all men to Vince, he was the total opposite in looks. His hair, grey, and his eyes, piercing pools of blue that could go on forever. Subtle lines were around his eyes and there was a sweetness about him. He had stubble that matched his hair. Not as tall as Vince, he was muscular, and she made out his stellar body through his shirt. He obviously worked out. She also noticed he had on ripped blue jeans and she couldn’t take her eyes off him. He wore a flannel plaid shirt. This was something Vince wouldn’t wear, even on the weekends. He said flannels were for farmers or preppies. Kane looked nothing like a farmer or a preppy. Under the flannel, he had on a rock t-shirt pulled tight against his broad chest.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Kane. Your home is beautiful. This is Michael, and he just woke up so he’s a little grumpy.” She pushed Michael forward and he shook Kane’s hand without being told.

  “Nice to meet you, Michael. Wow, what a firm handshake. You must be a football player.”

  One thing that brought Michael around was sports, especially football.

  Michael looked up at him and a smile spread across his mouth. “I’m a full back this year.”

  “I thought so. You look like a full back.” Kane winked at Jeannie.

  Jeannie smiled at Carmen and walked over to give her a hug. “Hi, Carmen. It’s good to see you again, honey.” She looked so much like Lydia and Vince.

  “Hi, Jeannie, I’m glad you came. I thought for sure you would bail. I don’t know if I could have done it.”

  “I couldn’t wait to come. I needed to get out of the house. I haven’t been anywhere since Lydia…well you know.”

  “Come on in you two. The food is ready and I’m sure Michael wants to check out the horses when we are done eating,” said Kane. Jeannie forgot to tell them she was a vegetarian and she could tell some sort of meat was cooking. The food smelled wonderful despite her hatred of actually eating meat.

  “Yeah,” said Carmen. “I may even take you for a ride on one,” she smiled.

  “Sweet,” said Michael, smiling at his mom for the first time in a long time.

  The house inside was as beautiful as it was outside. The entire place was like stepping back in time. Even the refrigerator looked like a replica made in the 1940’s. Everything had a worn out look, and so homey and comfortable. Dark wooden floors, expensive furniture, and exquisite looking art covered the walls.

  “I see you like antiques,” said Jeannie.

  “I hate the new modern look and technology of everything. I love the 40’s and everything about that time, especially the music. Can I get you something to drink beer, pop, coffee?”

  “Water would be great. Vince built a log cabin, and we kept the inside as rustic as the outside.” Jeanie’s gaze looked away from Kane. Vince might be a something she shouldn’t talk about in front of him.

  “I’m sorry. I forgot that could be a touchy subject.” He walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a cold bottle of water. When he handed the bottle to her, his fingers touched hers. His touch made her flinch again.

  “I guess he’s what brought us together. If it weren’t for Vince, we wouldn’t have met. I bet you don’t remember we met a few years ago. You and Vince walked into DelSorro’s and Katherine and I were waiting for a table,” said Kane, as he caught Jeannie’s gaze.

  “You’re right. Oh my God. I remember you had those blue eyes and of course you still have them. Wow, that was you?” Jeannie forgot about that night until Kane reminded her.

  “Katherine just had Carmen and I wanted to get her out of the house that night. She was more uncomfortable than you. She had a secret and the one person she wanted to keep it from just walked in.” Kane’s gaze held steady on her. Jeannie shifted on her feet feeling nervous talking about their past. She was the other woman Katherine Foster hated.

  The food was delicious and Kane and Carmen cooked it themselves. A prime rib roast, so good she may have to reconsider her vegetarian status. They ate, laughed, and talked about everything including politics and fashion. Even Michael talked, and that was unusual. He and Kane shared a love for football so they argued about who was the best team. This was the first time since Lydia’s death where he talked as much as he did. In fact, they could not get a word in at times. For the first time in a long time, Jeannie felt happy.

  Kane also discussed music with Michael. Michael tried to convince him that rap was the best music around and Kane argued that nothing was better than classic rock. It seems back in his younger days, Kane was in a rock band called, “The Teflon Don’s”, and played bass. They took Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs and made them into rock versions. Jeannie, of course, had to know why the name.

  “I had an obsession with the mafia and gangster movies. You know, like Godfather and Good Fellas. I started this band around the same time John Gotti became popular in the eighties. I saw a headline in the paper that said he was ‘The Teflon Don’s’, and I thought it was awesome, especially for what we were playing. Needless to say, we didn’t become famous, and the band fell apart after a year,” he laughed. The evening was excellent, and the kids went on their horseback ride. Kane took Jeannie around to show her the house and everything was a reminder of his wife. Her touch was everywhere, including her running shoes, she wore the day she died, still sitting on the porch.

  “I haven’t been able to move them yet, it’s been a year and they are in the same spot we left them the day she died.” Kane’s gaze fell to the shoes.

  “The hospital gave me the bag of Vince’s belongings and I couldn’t bear to look at them until this year. Thankfully, I did because that is how I noticed Carmen had called. Even when I opened the bag, his cologne was still imbedded in his clothes. His scent I tried so hard to forget, was back in my mind after I opened his bag.” Jeannie knew her face was filled with sorrow as she spoke about Vince. She looked away so Kane wouldn’t see.

  “It’s silly what we don’t want to part with when someone we love dies. The things we take for granted or don’t think twice about become so important when we don’t have them.”

  Suddenly missing her husband, Jeannie forced back tears. “It is. Sometimes the smell of a grill or the sound of a motorcycle will send me over the edge.” Kane sensed the subject was still too sensitive to her.

  “Well, let’s talk about something a little happier. Isn’t Carmen a wonderful girl? I’m so proud of the woman she has become.”

  “She’s so mature for her age. You and your wife did a wonderful job with her. I like spending time with her. She’s courageous to meet me like she did.”

  Kane told Jeannie about Carmen and her accomplishments. No one would have ever guessed he was just her step dad. Jeannie wondered why they didn’t have more children together, but she did not want to bring up something so painful to him. He also told her about his job as a Congressman. He was elected ten years ago, and he had to travel to Washington, D.C. quite a bit. He loved what he did and was considering a run for a bigger office in his future.

  When the kids came back from the horseback ride, they sat down to a bonfire in the back yard. Kane bought the ingredients for s’mores and Michael made them for everyone.

  “So tell me more about Lydia,” said Carmen.
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br />   “Well, she looked very much like you. She was a track star, she loved music, books, anything French, her faith, and she had a best friend, named Steven. He still comes over weekly to visit. He misses her so very much.”

  “Did she love coffee? Did she have a boyfriend?” asked Carmen.

  “Yes, she did love coffee. She didn’t have a boyfriend. Steven was the closest thing, but he’s gay. They were like brother and sister. She started to get interested in boys when she became sick. In fact it would have been her first homecoming dance that year.” Jeannie felt the tears start again.

  “Did she have pain when she died?” asked Carmen.

  “Honey, don’t ask that,” said Kane.

  “That’s okay, Kane. Yes, and no. We had hospice come in and she had a wonderful nurse that kept her calm and out of pain. She slept a lot and towards the end and she could not get up or see very well. She passed away peacefully with her rosaries in her hand she held onto every day while continuing to pray.”

  “How could she accept the fact she was dying when you told her, Jeannie? I don’t even know how a person could handle that,” asked Carmen.

  “I don’t know either, Carmen. I fell apart when the doctors told me. Lydia’s faith helped her take the news better than I expected. She was very active in our church and she accepted her illness as God’s plan for her and God’s plan for Michael and me. She was a strong girl,” said Jeannie.

  “So you’re Catholic?” asked Carmen.

  “Yes, we are. How about you?” asked Jeannie.

  Carmen lifted her arm to show she had on a rosary bracelet.

  “Twelve years of Catholic school, terrifying nuns, and mass every Sunday,” she said. The night was wonderful and when the grandfather clock chimed ten, Jeannie felt she had worn out her welcome.

  “It’s ten o’clock already. Michael, we better hit the road soon,” she said.

  Michael was playing with their Dachshund and bobtail cat. He was in no hurry to leave. Jeannie was so happy to give him a few hours of happiness that night.

  “Let’s plan on getting together again,” said Kane. “I enjoyed this tonight. This visit was good for us. I want Carmen to have family around her. There’s nothing better, you know?” he smiled at Jeannie.

  Jeannie felt warmth she had not felt in a long time. She was alive and becoming the old Jeannie again. She was afraid it would leave when she pulled out of the driveway to go home and face her reality.

  Kane walked her into the kitchen, which was on her way to the driveway.

  “I had a splendid time tonight, as well. Thank you for the dinner and the marvelous company.” Jeannie smiled, looking up into Kane’s eyes and seeing kindness and sincerity. He watched her for a moment in silence.

  “We needed this dinner tonight, Jeannie. I haven’t smiled since Katherine died last year. It’s been hard on me, and even harder on Carmen. I’m sorry for the questions. She is a very curious girl, always has been. And since she found out her dad was dead, I have been dealing with a lot. I know it’s not as much as what you have been dealing with, but it’s been difficult to say the least.” Kane didn’t want to stop talking. Jeannie looked into his eyes and saw the pain and concern still there. He too had a loss just as deep to him as Vince was to Jeannie.

  “It was a shock when Vince’s phone rang and a young girl on the other end asked for him. I thought he had a young girlfriend coming out of the woodwork. Do you know what happened with Vince and Katherine?” asked Jeannie, trying to get information on how this took place.

  “I know that Katherine was dating Vince when he met you. The day he broke up with her she found out she was pregnant with Carmen. We had met at a country club event and started a relationship again. We had dated earlier before Vince was in the picture. Katherine was my high school sweetheart. We broke up when we both were accepted to different colleges.”

  “And you knew she was pregnant?” asked Jeannie, curious to know the true story.

  “Well, we started dating again. She said she was just dumped. She told me Vince broke her heart and met someone new. It didn’t take us long to become a couple again. We became inseparable. I was so happy to have her back in my life. I wasn’t over her when we broke up the first time. About a month into our rekindled relationship she told me she found out she was pregnant. Knowing that we had not done that yet, I knew the baby wasn’t mine. She said it was Vince’s, and she made the decision to not tell him and I agreed to marry her and raise the baby as my own. We moved to Washington, D. C. and I was elected as a Representative three years out of college. When she gave birth to Carmen, I adopted her, and we raised her without Vince in the picture. Was the decision right that we did that? No. If I knew what a great a guy he was I wouldn’t have agreed to what happened. I know if Carmen was my baby, I would want to know. Though, we were happy with the way life was.”

  “When did you tell Carmen about Vince?” asked Jeannie.

  “We didn’t tell her until recently. Katherine and I tried to have more children. She had such a hard time with Carmen, it was impossible we were told. Knowing Carmen would not have any family or siblings other than the two of us saddened her. Katherine heard he died and had two more children. The secret we kept upset her that we hadn’t told Carmen. And believe me, Vince did not know about Carmen,” Kane reassured Jeannie. One of Jeannie’s biggest fear’s being he knew and didn’t tell her.

  There was laughter in the front living room as Michael played with the animals and Carmen was talking on her cell phone. Jeannie smiled at Michael and he smiled back. She loved seeing his smile.

  “Do you want coffee? I’d like to keep talking about this, if you don’t mind,” he said standing.

  “It’s late, we should be going,” said Jeannie, hesitantly.

  “You’re fine. I have nowhere to be tomorrow since its Saturday,” he said, not wanting her to leave.

  “Okay. I’ll take you up on the offer. Just cream, please,” said Jeannie.

  “Would you like your cream steamed?” Kane smiled.

  “Well, I have never been asked that before. I guess steamed would be good.” Jeanie couldn’t help but laugh at him.

  While Kane made their coffees out of some expensive looking coffee maker, he kept talking.

  “At the funeral, Carmen had no idea who he was. I’m sure you didn’t see them. Katherine snuck in the back. Six months later, Katherine and I sat Carmen down and told her everything. She was so mad at us of course. We couldn’t blame her for being angry. She yelled and screamed at both Katherine and I and took off to a friend’s house. When she came back home in two days, we tried to explain to her why we did what we did, and she forgave us a little.” Kane took a sip of his coffee and kept talking. Jeannie decided she might as well sit down, and took a seat at the counter in the kitchen.

  “When she took off, she headed up to where you lived. That’s the address she had for Vince. She longed to be a part of him. Carmen found out someone else lived in your house and she couldn’t find out anything else. She came back home, and then Katherine died,” he said, starting to cry. He reached for a paper towel to wipe his eyes. Jeannie started to cry with him and he handed her one as well.

  “I’m sorry. I’m still devastated at what happened to my wife,” he apologized.

  “You don’t have to apologize to me, Kane. I have been crying for years. Missing them doesn’t ever get easy.” Jeannie laced her fingers around her coffee cup and met his gaze. Tears stung her eyes.

  “No. I miss her so much. Her death was an unexpected shock. I was at work and I get this call from Katherine’s mother to come home at once. I aged twenty years. I flew home and had to go and get Carmen from college and tell her Katherine died. I still can’t get over the fact she’s gone. I didn’t get to tell her bye or kiss her one last time. She died in the park, running. I still have her clothes and perfume in our room like she didn’t leave. I can still see Carmen’s face that day when I told her that her mother died. She screamed a horrible scream.
She and her mother were so close. They were like best friends. Her death was unbearable for Carmen. They had argued that morning and Carmen hung up on her. I forget what it was over, clothes or something silly. With Carmen in college, they still spoke on the phone everyday sometimes twice. They always got into little arguments and would forget why they were fighting in five minutes. This time they didn’t get to make up, and that bothers Carmen. Is the pain easier when you can say goodbye to someone?” he asked.

  “No, and yes. It was horrible knowing Vince was going to die, but his heart was still beating. He didn’t say goodbye to me. I said goodbye to him. With Lydia, I didn’t want to accept the fact that my sixteen year old daughter was dying in front of my eyes. It would have been easier if she left without me knowing. When your child dies it’s a lot different than when your spouse dies. It’s something you can’t explain.”

  “I remember that morning, not saying I love you to Katherine. I flew to D.C. and rushed out of the house, late as usual. Katherine tried to help me get my lunch and notes together, and I snapped at her. I forgot to kiss her goodbye. I still can’t get over the guilt,” said Kane.

  “Death is a mystery to me still. I have gone through death twice now and I still don’t understand. First, I don’t understand how God could have taken my husband and second, my child.”

  “I know Jeannie, I was so angry at God for the longest time. Carmen too, and we both blamed God for what happened. It’s human nature to blame him when our life doesn’t make sense, and we don’t understand,” he said. He sat in front of her talking and sipping his coffee. His eyes were beautiful crystal blue.

  “Do you feel different?” Jeannie asked.

  “Yes, I do. I have come a long way this year and instead of being angry with God, I decided to pray and make him show me why this happened. Praying seemed to bring me to a better place.”