Just Breathe Again

by Mia Villano

  “I haven’t gotten to that place, yet. I’m still trying to get there, if I ever do.”

  “It took work and a lot of trips to my church to talk to Father and my psychiatrist.”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready. I’m still pretty angry at God.”

  “I know. I was too Jeannie. The anger will subside eventually.” He reached out and touched her hand, wrapped around the coffee cup.

  “Well, I guess I better go, or my friend, Marsha, will send out a search party. She’s protective of me,” said Jeannie, taking the last sip of coffee and grabbing her purse once again.

  “Michael, let’s go, buddy. We have a long drive home,” she said.

  “Thank you again for this evening, Kane. I enjoyed getting out,” said Jeannie. She shifted her weight as she stood in her wedge shoes. She wasn’t use to wearing heels in a while and her feet were killing her.

  “Thank you, Jeannie. I look forward to seeing you again,” he said. He stared at her and she blushed.

  “Yes, I have Carmen’s number and I’ll give her a call so you can come over next time. I would love for you to meet Marsha and John and Lydia’s best friend, Steven. Carmen, you would adore him.”

  “That’s sounds great, Jeannie,” he winked at her. It surprised her when a rush of heat rose through her.

  Jeannie pulled into the moonlit night with promises to stay in touch, and a good feeling about the two people that came into her life unexpectedly.

  Chapter 15

  The weeks passed as Jeannie settled into another job through the temporary agency. Her new placement was working for a newspaper. She loved the excitement of news breaking in their small town and keeping busy. Still she did not like having to be committed to a job and not being able to spend time with Michael like she used too. She needed to accept the fact, those days were over forever. She was a single woman and needed to work in order to support her and her son. They still lived with Marsha and John and hoped to get out of there soon and into their own apartment.

  Marriage was getting a more complicated with Marsha and John. Jeannie was afraid it was the pressure of having her live there with them and Marsha assured her their problems were there for a while. Their marriage had been going downhill for years, and they have kept Johns infidelity hidden from everyone. It was a complicated mess. Jeannie heard them fighting one night while she was lying in bed trying to get to sleep.

  “I have to leave tomorrow for business. You knew this for a month,” yelled John.

  “My ass, business. You are seeing her. Be honest for once in your goddamn life,” Marsha yelled back.

  “Get over it, Marsha. You know she’s in the picture. I have been honest with you. Yes, I have business and yes, she will be with me,” he yelled again.

  “Why do you do this to me? It kills me when I know you are with her.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you. Get yourself a boyfriend too. Getting laid might do you good,” he yelled again.

  “Kiss my ass. Why don’t you just divorce me, then you can be with her and your child.”

  “I can’t. She’s married too. I love you and could not live without you.”

  “You are one sick bastard. Do you know how insane you sound? You can’t have your cake and eat it too, you know?”

  “Why not? People screw around all the time. You know it’s not 1969? Get with the times.”

  “Get with life, John. Have a few morals. What do you tell your daughter when you have to leave her and go to your wife?”

  “She’s young enough to know Daddy has to leave, and he always comes back.”

  “Daddy, isn’t that fucking sweet. Go fuck yourself, John, and get out of my face.”

  Jeannie heard a car door slam and John screeched out the driveway.

  The fights were getting worse, and the tension, incredible. Jeannie needed to find a new place to live.

  When she knew the coast was clear and John had left, she checked on Marsha.

  Jeannie saw she was outside as usual sitting on the back porch drinking wine and listening to Janis, crying.

  “Hey, sweetie are you okay?” asked Jeannie.

  “I’m sorry you had to hear our heated discussion,” she said, pouring more wine into her glass.

  “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. The fights sounds like they’re getting worse.”

  “You’re right. It’s getting worse and I don’t know how much more I can take. You look around and see this beautiful house that should be full of love and happiness. It’s becoming a house of horrors. I need to make tough decisions soon. I just don’t want to give up yet, Jeannie. Maybe I should just accept he’s in love with someone else and cope with it the best I can.”

  “I’m going to move out so it’ll help,” said Jeannie, sipping wine.

  “Shut up, Jeannie. This has been going on for years. You being here has made the tension a little better. I’m going to go see my mom for a while in California. I haven’t seen her and I miss her. Maybe stay out for a couple weeks.”

  “Getting away might do you good, and I can try to find my own place once you are gone.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. You could stay here forever if it was up to me.”

  “I know, but I need to get out of the basement soon. The memories are too hard to face.”

  “You know you could move into the guest house. It would give me something to do with my time and excuse to fix it up. Where’s Michael?” Marsha stood up to go to the kitchen for more wine.

  “He’s asleep. He had football practice today, and he’s worn out.”

  “Is he doing better?” Marsha stood up and went to the kitchen for another glass. She poured Jeannie a glass and they continued to talk.

  “Much better. The psychologist is helping a lot. He’s a tough kid like his dad. Did you notice how much he’s looking like me?”

  “I did.” Marsha poured the last of the wine into her glass and ran inside. She strolled out again smiling and waving another bottle of wine at Jeannie.

  Chapter 16

  The summer was hot and sticky. Marsha lived in the pool, and was officially retired from her craft business. Jeannie was working her two jobs again. The restaurant agreed to let her work weekends and it would help pay for the medical bills once again piling up. They were very understanding when she was out with Lydia and promised to give her the job back again if she needed. Michael was getting back into the swing of life. His little league football team was undefeated and he even had a so called girlfriend.

  The plan to move out was put on hold a little longer. Marsha needed Jeannie and John was on the road again quite a bit. The days were long and hot, the nights even longer as Jeannie tried to get on with her life without Vince and Lydia. She spent a lot of time visiting them in the cemetery and made sure their gravesites looked impeccable.

  She and Carmen spoke on the phone at least once in week. She came out, and they met for lunch a couple of times. Jeannie secretly wished Kane would have come along, as well. She did enjoy his company and liked to hear his stories. Taking it upon herself to make the next move, Jeannie decided to invite them over for a cookout.

  “Please not now, I’m on the phone,” whispered Jeannie, as she started to call Kane.

  Michael was asking fifty questions and needed them answered right at the moment as they were getting ready to go shopping.

  “But, Mom!” he whined.

  “Hold on, will you please?” she whispered, with her finger to her lips.

  “Hi Kane, it’s Jeannie Franklin. How are you guys?” she caught herself smiling in the phone. Michael rolled his eyes and stomped upstairs.

  “I called to invite you and Carmen over for dinner tomorrow night.”

  “Jeannie, I’m so glad to hear from you. How are you doing?” He asked.

  “I’m doing well.”

  “Good to hear. How’s Michael holding up?”

  “Michael is doing well. We’re getting ready for football practice in a few minutes.”
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  “Glad to hear that. Carmen is at school. She’s back in college and should be home for the weekend. In fact she is due home any minute. We are trying to make the seven o clock movie. Some horror film she says we need to see,” he laughed.

  “I would love for you two to come over here tomorrow. I want you both to meet Marsha and John.”

  “I’m sure Carmen would love driving out.”

  Jeannie gave him directions. It was pretty easy since he wasn’t too far away. The weekend planned to be nice, so they made great use of Marsha’s outdoor kitchen. Marsha heard her on the phone and started making obscene gestures while she was trying to talk. She was so ridiculous and so necessary in her life.

  The evening was beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky, the sun set and the moon came out with the stars. Lydia would have loved that night. Carmen looked beautiful dressed in a cute little dress and cardigan. She was like Lydia and could wear anything and look good. Jeannie took her downstairs and showed her Lydia’s personal items. She even gave her the old track sweatshirt she used to wear to run. Jeannie showed her pictures of her dad and gave her one of his favorite leather coats he used to wear on his motorcycle.

  “Jeannie, you don’t have to this,” said Carmen. “The coat is yours. I didn’t even know him.”

  “I want you to have them. I can give you a little piece of them at least. Please take the coat and make me happy you did.”

  “Thank you so much. This means a lot to me,” she smiled and put his coat over her sweater. The coat swallowed her up. She hugged herself and Jeannie saw it meant the world to her.

  “I’m so glad you came into my life. You are a blessing and I cherish our friendship.”

  “I do too, Jeannie. This means the world to my dad and me. He hasn’t stopped talking about you since you left that time you came and ate with us. He thinks you’re gorgeous, and he even laughed after you called the other day. He hasn’t laughed in a long time,” she smiled.

  They were sitting on Jeannie’s bed and she blushed.

  “I’m serious. He, oh I don’t know, has a crush on you,” she whispered. Jeannie’s face flushed slightly.

  “Carmen, stop it,” Jeannie couldn’t help but smile.

  “Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s head over heels. There’s not a better woman I would want him to go out with than you anyway.”

  “You’re jumping the gun a bit. I’m not ready for that yet and I don’t think your dad is either.”

  “Well you should to be ready. You are young, beautiful, and a catch for any guy.” A tinge of uneasiness shot through Jeannie. The thought of a man wanting her was uncomfortable.

  “You’re sweet, honey. Do you have a boyfriend?” asked Jeannie, trying to change the subject fast.

  “No, I’m too busy concentrating on school. I don’t have time for the drama. I did have one and Dad scared him off. He’s good at that.” she was folding a crease in the pillow on Jeannie’s bed. It was so nice to talk to a young girl like this. It reminded Jeannie of the long talks she had with Lydia. They always talked about everything and Lydia could tell her anything.

  “Usually, parents have an intuition that our kids don’t understand. Was he right about him?”

  “Well, yes he was. The guy turned out to be a real ass. Since Dad’s a congressman, he thinks he can push around guys and scare them. He’s really good at scaring them,” she laughed. Carmen told Jeannie about other times he had to put his foot down and not let Carmen date certain guys he felt were idiots. He was very protective of her and it saddened her to think of Vince being the same way with Lydia.

  “We better get out there with them. Come on and let’s eat.” Jeannie snapped out of her sad moment and jumped off the bed.

  They had a wonderful night cooking on the grill and drinking wine. John and Kane discussed politics. Kane explained what he did on a typical day and how the day before he was at the Capitol Building all day and most the night to pass two amendments. Once that was done he had to meet with the House and then discuss the amendments with Democratic and Republican parties, which took all day. Since Kane was a democrat he had to sway the Republicans who had enough votes to kill the amendment. His amendment finally did pass that night and then he could go home. John was engrossed and asking way too many questions as the evening progressed. Kane was reluctant to leave, but knew he had an hour drive back home. He kept looking at Jeannie and she noticed his eyes on her throughout the evening. Every time their eyes locked onto each other, heat went through her. He even winked at her several times when he talked to her. She caught him gazing at her breasts a lot and heat crawled up her face when she noticed. She had not had any sexual feelings in so long, it didn’t seem right.

  “Well, I hate to go. It’s getting late and I have a long drive.”

  “Stay a while longer and have another beer,” said John.

  “I would if my wonderful daughter would drive me home,” said Kane, smiling at Carmen.

  “I guess,” Carmen smiled and looked at Jeannie and winked.

  Jeannie hugged both of them when they started to get ready to leave an hour later. When she hugged Kane, he seemed to not want to let her go. She breathed in his masculine scent and his warm hands brushed the sides of her breasts. His touch sent a tingle through her and right to her sex. Marsha noticed how he touched Jeannie. As soon as they left she had to comment.

  “I saw that, you know,” she whispered to her as they drove off into the night.

  “Saw what?” ask Jeannie, still tingling from his touch and trying to walk away.

  “I saw him cop a feel. I also noticed him staring at your boobs. He wants you.”

  “Shut up. His wife just died. He does not want me and I don’t want him. I can’t see myself wanting another man if it’s not Vince,” said Jeannie.

  Marsha smiled and chased after Jeannie. “Bullshit. You are young, beautiful, and a catch for a man. You’re flustered from the hug. I can see you blushing, sister. You aren’t fooling me.” Jeannie stopped and looked at Marsha.

  “I know I have a whole life ahead of me. I do, but Vince and Lydia don’t. I don’t deserve to be happy and find love. I was the one allowed to live. That should be enough you know. I can get up and breathe every day and just live. I don’t need anything else,” said Jeannie, as tears swelled in her eyes.

  Marsha reached out her arms to her best friend and hugged her. “So live. It’s what you have to do. Not allowing yourself to live happily isn’t going to bring them back. You have to understand. You are not being fair to yourself or Michael.”

  “It’s still so hard, Marsha,” she cried.

  “He’s hot and I don’t want to hear anymore. If you don’t grab him, I will,” she said. Jeannie could not help but laugh at this remarkable woman.

  Chapter 17

  The anniversary of Lydia’s death came and Jeannie spent the day alone at the cemetery. All day she sat there crying and talking to her daughter and husband. It was late at night when Marsha had to go get her. She lost track of time and didn’t want to leave again. Jeannie had that blank stare in her face like she did the day of her funeral. Marsha was there once again to bring her back from the edge of insanity and help her face reality.

  As the holidays approached, Jeannie feared she would not be able to face them. They celebrated alone on Thanksgiving, just the four of them. Marsha and Jeannie fixed a wonderful meal, and the guys watched football. John just came back from being on the road again with his job, and Marsha was glad he was home at least for the holidays. She knew most of his absence was not business, but tried to overlook his indiscretions and hide her feelings as best she could. She didn’t want to fight with him and tried to make it as peaceful as she could. Jeannie felt the tension between them again and she knew the woman was still in his life.

  Sitting in the kitchen eating pumpkin pie, they were talking quietly. “Come on, Marsha. You guys have been doing a little better. There’s no way John is seeing her again.”

  “He is
. I have been through the promises too many times. A wife knows when something isn’t right, Jeannie. He’s leaving all the time and I don’t know where he goes. John doesn’t have to travel so much. He’s lying to me again and thinks I don’t know.”

  “Did you ask him?”

  “Of course I did, and of course he denied being with her. I know the signs. He starts drinking more, and when he’s home he avoids me. It’s plain as day. I don’t know, Jeannie. I do know changes need to be made in my life. I want to be happy and so do you.”

  Reaching for another piece of pie for each of them Jeannie once again explained to her that it was too soon. She was not ready to be happy yet. Guilt overtook her whenever she started to enjoy something. It wasn’t right to be content and feeling good yet.

  As Christmas approached, record snowfall started and that year proved to be a rough winter. Christmas was once again just the four of them. Jeannie sent Carmen a gift and received a lovely sweater from her. Christmas was still hard on Jeannie without her daughter. The idea of not buying her gifts was tough. Snowstorm after snowstorm kept them in the house most of the winter and kept John from leaving as much. He began to drink worse than ever and Marsha started to spend more time downstairs with Jeannie and Michael.

  The promise of a new spring was right around the corner. What turned out to be Jeannie’s most hated month, March, soon blossomed into a warm display of what was ahead in the coming months.

  Crushed by the grief over her daughter, and missing her true love, she found herself slipping into depression. A blackness started to creep up on her like a stalker waiting to pounce when you least expected. Missing someone you know you can’t be with is the worst feeling. She couldn’t go in the car and drive over and see them or go home and find them waiting for her. She visited their graves as much as possible. The pain of going there was sometimes too much to take. The pain would hit her hard, and the tears streamed down her face. She was barely making it to her job in the morning and she knew Michael sensed something was wrong.