Forget Me Not

by Goodmore, Jade

He shrugs. “Because this is my personal space. I don’t want just anyone here, Mickey.”

  “But you invited me here?” I ask, fishing.

  “Oh please. You’re far from just anyone, sweets, you’re the one.”

  I tear myself away from the twinkling lights of the sleeping city and turn to face Jesse. He’s watching me shyly, as I pull myself into his chest. I’m overcome with love for this man. Tonight has been perfect.

  “Thank you.” I sigh contentedly, squeezing him impossibly tight.

  “What for?”

  “For everything. For inviting me into your home, your life. Thank you for showing me this view, it’s perfect, and for the flowers and the thought behind them.” I look up into his ocean deep eyes and feel like crying with relief. Relief after years of thinking I’d never again be truly complete. “Thank you for making me happy again.”

  He sighs. “You’re welcome.” He smiles sweetly but tucks his imaginary hair behind his ear. His tell tale sign that something is not right.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, baby.”

  “Jesse?”

  Sucking in a steadying breath he shrugs a little in defeat. “You’re thanking me for making you happy again, but it’s because of me that you were ever sad.” He lowers his gaze ashamedly as if he’s admitting a crime.

  In theory he’s right, and a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to argue with him. However, I’ve finally accepted that the heartbreak he dealt me has shaped who I am today. Without it I’d never have been blessed with Benjamin, or worked so hard to pursue a career in photography. I’d never have known how low I could get, how much misery I could cope with and so I’d never have been able to appreciate this moment. To feel this cherished and wanted is the light at the end of the storm and it burns brighter than it ever could have without the dark.

  “You’re right,” I say. He looks away dejectedly, but I hold his chin and bring his gaze back to my own. “But if I had to face all of that pain again to get to this, I would. My love for you and the happiness that I felt when we were kids is dwarfed in comparison to what I feel right now. We need to forget about that time in our life and appreciate this, we need to enjoy this. We have to, because I’m so afraid that I’m going to wake up soon.”

  My eyes fill with happy tears and I almost feel embarrassed at their arrival, but when Jesse’s eyes begin to twinkle with his own, I let them fall. He kisses my forehead and then my nose, my cheeks and finally my mouth.

  Holding the collar of my shirt, his shirt, he declares, “I will never make you feel that pain again. I promise to only make you cry tears of joy.” He wipes gently at my wet cheeks and I nuzzle into his palm. “I will spend the rest of my life making up for our time apart, sweets, if you’ll do me the honor of letting me.”

  Jesse takes my hands and kisses them in turn. He smiles a huge megawatt smile before biting it back and adopting a serious expression. Slowly he takes a deep breath before lowering himself onto his knee. I crouch down to sit with him in confusion, but when he stops me and looks up into my eyes with raw emotion and deep determination, I am stilled. Realization strikes me so harshly that I immediately feel weak and lightheaded. I wish he’d let me sit with him because I feel faint. Anticipation brews in the pit of my stomach, threatening to explode with a series of sobs. I’m shaking, but his hands are strong on mine and I try to focus on his mouth, blinking hard to make sure that I’m awake.

  “Marry me.”

  At his words I inhale sharply. “What?”

  “Marry me. I love you, Mickey. I always have and I have no doubt that I always will. It’s written in the stars that I’ll ask you to marry me eventually, so why wait?”

  I’m lost in a forest of thoughts. I’m convinced that I’m dreaming. Jesse has just spoken the words that I have fantasized about him saying since our first kiss. I am frozen through a fear that if I move I will wake up.

  “Baby?”

  He wraps his arms around my thighs and holds me as if begging me for a response. I flutter to the floor and this time he lets me. I want to look into his eyes and see his truth. I want to feel him and know that what is happening is real. Stroking his hair, I scrutinize his face. I see no lies, only worry at my speechlessness. I press my mouth against his, hoping to ease his anxiety and I’m rewarded by a returning kiss that is so pure it’s almost holy.

  Pulling away he traps me with his beautiful blues. “I don’t expect you to want to marry me next week or next month, Mickey, and I understand that you need to learn to trust me again, and it will take time for you to fall in love with me as much as I am with you.” He’s rambling. His words are spewing out fast and desperate. “And, I know I don’t have a ring right now, but we can get that dealt with. I just need to know that marriage is the direction that we’re heading in. I just want to hear you say yes. Make me the happiest person alive, sweets, and say yes.”

  Needing support and wanting to feel him against me I tighten my grip around him, bringing my mouth to his ear before whispering, “Yes.”

  He pulls away at once, holding me at arm length and examining my face.

  “Say it again,” he urges.

  “Yes. I love you, Jesse. I would have said yes ten years ago.”

  Laughter explodes from his perfect mouth and his eyes are wildly excited. He takes my face in his hands and crushes his lips to mine. The kiss is intense but fleeting. “Come,” he orders before scooping me up and cradling me like a child. He carries me effortlessly to the bedroom, setting me down on the corner of his bed, but disappointingly, doesn’t join me. Instead, he walks to his dresser and searches through the top drawer until he finds a small, black box.

  As he turns to me I’m able to welcome back the serenity that graces his face once more. He sits next to me on the bed and nudges me with his shoulder, all the while toying with the mystery box in his hands. “Like I said, I don’t have an engagement ring, but I have something we can use. It’s the only piece of jewelry I own and one of the most precious things I have. I bought this when I first started earning a wage here. It’s by no means worth enough to qualify as a token of my commitment to you, but it is weighed down with sentimentality. I bought two of these rings, one for me and one for my brother, Ted. I want you to wear it.”

  A lump swells in my throat as he hands me the box.

  “Jesse, that’s so thoughtful, but I can’t. I can’t take this away from you.”

  “It’s just a loan, until we choose your own ring.”

  Taking the box from me he opens it and offers me my first look. The ring is silver with black stones spanning the centre and looping around the entire length. It’s so Jesse. I’m surprised that he doesn’t wear it.

  “It’s…wow,” I sigh. He removes it from the box and tries it on each of my fingers, but it’s far too big.

  “I have an idea,” he declares. Jesse slips his hand underneath my hair and unclasps the silver necklace that Joanna got me for my birthday. Removing it completely, he allows the horse shoe pendant to fall from the chain, hands it to me and then replaces it with his ring. When he looks at me with questioning eyes I can’t help but smile.

  “It’s perfect,” I divulge.

  Taking the chain, heavy with history, he wraps it around my neck. Once it is fastened he continues to kiss where it resides against my skin.

  This evening has been more than I ever could have possibly imagined; a sequence of surprises that has culminated in the biggest surprise of them all. Jesse has promised himself to me and me to him, giving me everything I have ever wanted. The thought of belonging to Jesse presses against the core of my mind, and subsequently my body, and so I lean back and readily hand myself over to him.

  Awoken far too early by an alarm that rings far too loudly, I reach across to hit snooze on my phone and close my eyes in the hope of another ten minutes sleep. When an arm falls lazily over my ribs I am gratefully reminded of where I am. My eyes peek at the blissfully peaceful Jesse residing beside me and I c
an’t help myself. I roll over and steal a sleepy squeeze, draping his arm over myself and nestling into his chest hair. I absorb the feeling of his nakedness against my own, and the smell of his slept in skin. I could stay here forever and never tire of this moment. I close my eyes and within seconds I’m in a world where that is possible.

  “Sweets?”

  “Hmm.”

  “Mickey, baby.”

  Without opening my eyes I smile at the melodic voice that whispers my name. How I prefer to be awaken by this sweet song rather than my blasted alarm. I feel so rested and relaxed. I must have slept for hours.

  Suddenly forced awake by the fear that I’ve overslept, I open my eyes wide. I’m met with the worried face of an angel and although I’m still anxious, my fear is subdued enough for me to speak. “What time is it? Did I miss my alarm?”

  “I just turned it off. It’s six-forty.” I sigh with great relief and relax back into the pillow, not wanting this most glorious of awakenings to end. Jesse teases the jewelry that adorns my newly decorated neck.

  “You’re still happy about this?” he asks.

  “Of course I am. You’re not?”

  When I turn to see his face pinched with uncertainty I roll onto my side so that I can question him face to face.

  “I’m happier than I have ever been.” The muscles in his face relax and his mouth borders on a smile.

  “Then why would you expect anything less from me?”

  “I guess I thought it was too good to be true.”

  “You’re too good to be true. I still feel like I dreamt last night.”

  “It won’t feel real until I have a ring on your finger rather than around your neck. Shall we go ring shopping today? My first meeting isn’t until this afternoon.”

  “I can’t, we’re meeting Emma and Lily for breakfast. I need to get back.”

  “You could come back tomorrow? Maybe with Benjamin? We could catch a show or something and he can sleep in the guest room. I miss him.”

  Pulling away gently I look up at Jesse’s face. He seems completely genuine and actually enthused by the idea. “I love that you miss him. Thank you.” Leaning in, I kiss the side of his mouth. “But I can’t. I’ve got so much work to do. I have a meeting later this week about the album cover and I want to be prepared, over prepared.”

  “Is it in New York?” he asks, hopefully.

  “No, they’re actually coming to me.”

  “That’s a good sign.”

  I shrug, not wanting to talk about work. I want to talk about us, over and over again. I want to lie in his arms until we are forced to move because of starvation or dehydration, not because I have a long drive back.

  “I need to get up. I’m so sorry. Can I take a shower?”

  “Can I shower with you?”

  “Only if you wash my back.” I whisper, playfully.

  Our goodbyes have gotten no easier I recognize as I drive away from a miserable Jesse. My eyes are blurred from hasty tears and I have to swipe at them quickly in order to see where I am going. As I ease out of the city I console myself with the reasoning that I only need to wait another three days before I can see him again. He’s promised that he’ll be back on Friday and I am holding him to his word. Although he has freed his diary to allow us this weekend together, he has further business to attend to in New York after that. I could easily feel dejected but his meetings are with his property advisor about the possibility of selling his apartment. I tried to discourage him, having fallen in love with the enchanting view, but Jesse confidently insists that I can enjoy the view when, someday, he buys the penthouse.

  We discussed what his plans would be when he arrived back in Starling permanently, but we have yet to come up with a solid plan. Initially we will all stay at my house but eventually both Jesse and I will need more space. There’s still the possibility of moving into the apartment above his bar, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I feel like I’d be taking a step back in relation to the property ladder. I’ve wanted to move on from our little town house for some time now but I envisioned a rural house with plenty of space and inspiration, not a sleek apartment over a busy bar. I guess I’m not even sure what I want anymore. My priorities have shifted since Jesse came back into my life, and since my career has expanded.

  Whatever we decide I can’t wait for Jesse to be sharing my bed, my home and my life once more. What I can wait for however, is the conversation with my parents about our engagement. Jesse has insisted that he speaks to my dad first and he’s planning on doing that over the course of the weekend. Not that it would halt our plans if my dad refused to give us his blessing, but it would certainly be upsetting. My mom and sister are going to be difficult to handle. I feel weak at the thought of the imminent arguments. Neither will be pleased, regardless of how obviously happy we both are. I briefly contemplate telling them in a letter and then leaving town for a few days, but think better of it when I remember that I’m twenty-seven, not sixteen. Benjamin will be the first to know and no doubt he’ll be the most pleased.

  For the rest of the journey home I fantasize about our wedding, about being accepted as a couple in the eyes of the law and hopefully, my family. I picture how handsome Jesse will look as a groom and how cute Benjamin will look by his side in a matching suit.

  Imagining saying ‘I do’ to Jesse incites a fresh wave of emotion. My eyes fill with tears at the magic moment my mind has created and I laugh at how deliriously happy I am. I rub my eyes so as to lift the blurriness from my vision and as I do I notice a car pulling out of a junction in front of me, just in time. There isn’t enough room for them to exit and pick up speed so I’m forced to slam on my breaks.

  They pull away at some speed, uncaring about the accident they almost caused. I take a deep breath to steady my nerves before I ease off the break. I begin to pull away, but before I have a chance to gain speed I hear a thunderous bang and everything goes black.

  Chapter 23

  My eyelids flicker open but close again against my will. I’m so tired, I just want to sleep, but there’s too much noise around me and I feel as though I’m moving. I need to see what’s going on, where I am. Several people are talking over me and an unfamiliar voice is calling me by my full name.

  “Her eyes are opening. Ms. Cole, you’ve been in a car accident and we’re taking you to get checked over. Do you hear me, Michaela?”

  I do, but I’m too exhausted to answer.

  “Is there someone you’d like us to call?”

  All of my strength goes into forcing my mouth to open in response and I shout out Jesse’s name. My words are barely audible. I try again.

  “Jesse. Call Jesse.” When I hear my faint voice and the woman acknowledging it, I relax and stop fighting the insistent sleep.

  A collection of beeps and buzzes play out around me when I awake again. Voices of different accents and genders twist in the air around me and I’m intrigued enough to open my eyes. Above me stands a tall blonde woman who smiles encouragingly at me.

  “Hi, Michaela. I’m Sally. I’m a nurse at Greenwich Hospital. Do you know why you are here?” I try to nod but feel a restraint around my neck. It hurts, it’s making my neck hurt. I lift my hands automatically, wanting to free myself, but Sally gently blocks them. “Michaela, you have a neck brace on. It’s just a precaution but we don’t want to remove it until we know that you’re okay. Can you tell me if and where you have any pain?”

  The fog is forcing its descent and I have to fight my heavy eyelids as I blindly examine my body. My head is pounding painfully underneath the tiredness and it hurts to breath. It’s easier when I’m asleep. I just want to sleep.

  “My head,” I murmur. “My head hurts…everywhere hurts.” My eyelids win this round. I close them, vowing to keep listening.

  “On a scale of one to ten, how much pain would you say you’re experiencing?

  “Nine…”

  “Okay, Michaela, I’m going to increase your morphine dosage and then we w
ill…”

  “Where is she?”

  It’s him. Jesse. My Angel. Everything will be okay now.

  “Just through here, Sir. She’s still unconscious but you can talk to her. She’s responded several times.”

  I hear a swishing of material and a sudden inhale of breath.

  “I-Is she okay? Why does she have a neck brace?”

  “It’s just a precaution. A doctor is confirming the scan results before we remove it.”

  “I can touch her?” he queries.

  “Yes, of course. Our primary concerns are her head, neck and back. Her chest is badly bruised from the seatbelt but nothing is broken. I’ll leave you alone for a moment.”

  I want so desperately to open my eyes but it’s as if I’ve forgotten how. I want to shout out his name, I want to scream at him, tell him that I can hear him and beg for him to touch me. I feel so alone trapped by my blindness and restraints.

  “Mickey, sweets. Can you hear me? Your parents are on their way. Benjamin is fine. He’s with Joanna and Zoe.”

  Benji…

  Jesse sounds so troubled. His tone is vexed and morose. My hand is covered and squeezed gently by his warm fingers and I notice a slight tremble in his hold. I have done this to him. I will my eyes to open so that I can tell him that I’m okay, that he doesn’t need to worry, but they shut almost immediately.

  “Jesse,” I sigh.

  “Michaela…”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby, so much,” he whispers against my hand.

  “I’m so tired.”

  “Then sleep, my love.”

  “Don’t leave me.”

  “I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll never leave. I’ll be here holding your hand.”

  My chest aches and I wake up in a panic. I feel as though I’m being crushed. Tears fall into my hair and my breathing quickens, causing the pain to escalate.

  “Hey, whoa, sweets. You’re okay. I’m here,” Jesse says.

  My hand is being stroked softly and my face cleared of tears. My eyes are focused on a white tiled ceiling, but as soon as I realize that my head and neck are no longer restricted I turn to look at the angel beside me. My eyesight is sketchy, like I’ve inhaled a full bottle of whiskey, but I can still appreciate the beauty before me. He’s wearing the grey sweatpants and black t-shirt that he was wearing when I left him. His hair is messy and his eyes are bloodshot. I’ve never seen him looking so unkempt.