Keep Me

by Faith Andrews

  I stood up from the couch with a need to get this shit off my chest. I’d kept it in long enough and that was part of the problem. I was living with the memories in solitude—they weighed heavily on my mind and my heart every single day. I didn’t want to bear that burden anymore. Maybe it would help me heal if I could trust the right kind of people. Riley and Marcus were those people.

  Turning away from my friends, I caught sight of the guitar that created such relaxed happiness the night before. I wanted my life to be full of ‘happy’—so it was time to release the grip I had on the bad. My mouth opened at its own volition and the words emptied out of me as if they’d been waiting for the most-perfect time to do so. “The first time he hit me I almost made myself believe I’d imagined the whole thing. I—it—”

  “You don’t have to do this.” Marcus interrupted. I wondered whether he was trying to spare me or himself.

  “No. I need to. Please.”

  Marcus bit his lower lip and nodded. Riley’s eyes were already glassy from impending tears.

  I took a breath and continued as if telling someone else’s story, void of all emotion. “We’d been dating over a year, and while things weren’t perfect, they were… good. He showed generosity, showering me with expensive and thoughtful gifts. There wasn’t a weekend that he didn’t wine and dine me and even when we weren’t out, we were together, enjoying the beginning of what I thought was a beautiful relationship. I should’ve recognized the danger of his possessiveness from the start: the way he would fly off the handle if another guy looked at me or how he would find a way to already have plans for us when a girlfriend would call to hang out with me. But I didn’t see it that way. I thought he loved me and because he loved me he wanted me all for himself.” I already felt like an idiot for admitting as much, but I had to continue.

  “One night, he had a few of his friends and their girlfriends over to his apartment for a dinner party. Everyone was drinking and having a good time. I made a show of playing house and making sure I was a good hostess. Things like that pleased him and it made me happy to see him proud of me in that way.

  “On a trip into the kitchen to refill his friend’s wine glass, his other friend, Finn, followed me. He was tipsy and very flirty. I’d had a few drinks myself, but knew it was all in good fun. When Zack walked in and found Finn and I laughing, he must have seen red. Zack flipped out and threatened to tell Finn’s fiancé some ridiculous exaggeration of the truth. The two of them had heated words and it changed the whole mood of the night. Shortly after, the rest of the crowd took in the tone and said their goodbyes.

  “He came to me in the kitchen after everyone had gone. I was loading the dishwasher when he yanked me up and spun me around. At first, I had no idea what hit me. But when the sting started to subside and I opened my eyes, he stood in front of me with a wicked grin on his face. After he gulped down the remainder of the scotch in his other hand, he spat at me, ‘I knew you were an untrustworthy whore.’ I stared at him in disbelief. This wasn’t the Zack I’d fallen in love with. He’d never spoken to me that way; never shown so much anger and hatred. I felt like I was watching some sick, twisted movie play before my eyes. Only problem was I was starring as the ignorant victim. After that, it became a recurring role.”

  When I finished my retelling of the night that sealed my fate, I looked to my friends. Riley’s tears marred her beautiful face and Marcus’s anger distorted his flawless features. “I don’t want to sound like an asshole, Tessa, but what the hell made you marry him?”

  It wasn’t the stupidest question, but someone who’s never been in an abusive relationship couldn’t possibility understand. That night marked the beginning of the deterioration of my self-worth. From then on out I actually believed I deserved every slap, every smack, every shove to the ground because a person like Zack had the power to delude your senses and create false pretenses. “I married him because I loved him. There was a good side to Zack, a loving, generous side. And somehow every time he hurt me—I thought I deserved it.” The reality behind the ridiculous statement broke through my walls and weakened the barrier I’d created. Tears spilled down my face as I thought about my mistaken impression of love and what a vulnerable person would endure for someone who owned her heart.

  That night had been the first of many horrific nights to come—I learned to accompany every bruise with a defensive excuse or a bogus cover-up. I became numb to Zack’s issues with alcohol, feeling sympathetic to his need to turn to a bottle for comfort rather than the loving arms of his wife. I was the ultimate enabler for far too many years. Until I found out I was pregnant with my son. The thought of Zack taking out his frustrations and insecurities on an innocent child woke me up. I may not have been strong enough to stand up for myself, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to let that monster ruin my only reason for living.

  She loved him? How could someone like the passionate, incredible, independent Tessa Bradley allow a piece of shit like her ex-husband to do the things he did to her and then say she loved him?

  The rage that built inside me was blinding. I could see nothing but visions of my hands wrapped around that bastard’s neck like a vice, draining every last pathetic breath out of his pitiful existence. It was Riley’s sobs that finally broke me of my vicious musings and brought me back to reality.

  Tessa was crying too, but she seemed too calm and poised for someone who’d just confessed to being a victim of such abuse. The thought of her beautiful body being mistreated and harmed—”Where is that mother fucker now? I need to…”

  “Marcus, calm down!” Tessa demanded as she wiped the wetness from her cheeks. Was she defending him again? Afraid I’d do to him what he did to her? What he fucking deserved?

  “Why? How can you not want me kick his ass or rip his fucking head off?” Or cut off his balls and stuff them down his throat until he choked on them for hurting my…

  “Because it’s over, Marcus. I need it all to be over. I can’t have this poison around Luca and right now he’s young enough to not remember. As long as Zack stays away…”

  “You didn’t answer me, Tessa. Where is he? How do you know he’ll stay away?” She was naïve enough once to let him get to her, I needed proof that it would never happen again. I searched Tessa’s face for an honest reaction. And I didn’t like what I saw. She was no more at ease with him being ‘gone’ and out of her life than I was.

  She sat next to my sister on the couch, rubbing her back and holding her close. Why the fuck did my sister need comforting right now? Was this the real Tessa: dangerously selfless? She was the one who needed comforting and beating her ex’s ass into a pulp was my idea of comfort.

  “Rehab. He’s in a rehabilitation facility in California. He voluntarily signed himself up for an inpatient addiction treatment. He may have gone willingly, but I still filed for divorce and he is to have no contact with me, or my family, or our son—I have restraining orders and court documents and I’ve changed my number, and…”

  “But you’re still here.” Riley finally had something sensible to say. “What if he comes for you when he gets out? Aren’t you scared?”

  My eyes darted between my sister and Tessa. Was she scared? I would do anything in my power to protect her. Anything. Just as I was about to open my mouth and offer up a promise to keep her safe, Tessa’s reserve finally broke. She was no longer composed, the tears streamed down her face and she spoke through heartbreaking sobs.

  “I can’t move from my home. As crazy as it sounds, this is where I feel safe. This is the only constant, the only normalcy in this whole mess. I want Luca to grow up where I grew up, surrounded by the places that made me happy as a child. By erasing all the good memories that came before Zack, I’m letting him win. And I can’t do that. I made a life for myself, created a loving environment for my son and,” she wrapped her arms around my sister, but stared into my eyes when she spoke her next words. “I’ve reconnected with great friends that I care about. Slowly but surely I’m getting
my old life back and if I leave now, I’ll have nothing to remind me of who I used to be.”

  Who she used to be? The irony was that’s exactly how I saw her—until today. A vibrant, fun-loving, spitfire of a girl who made my insides smolder. I would have never known from the way she carried herself that she’d been through hell in the last few years. It made me angrier by the second, but I was glad that asshole hadn’t completely wounded her.

  I still needed answers. “How long?”

  Tessa looked up at me confused. “What do you mean?”

  “How long until he gets out?”

  “It depends on his treatment, but it won’t be anytime soon. He wanted long-term help and that type of rehab can take up to six months or a year. He’s an alcoholic. That’s what fueled him to do those things. He wasn’t always a monster.”

  There she was, defending him again. Was she serious? “Bull-fucking shit! I don’t ever want to hear you say something like that again. His demented brain fueled him to hurt someone as sweet and innocent as you. It had nothing to do with the alcohol. That only amplified the problem.” Blood boiled underneath my tensing muscles. I had to walk away before I said or did something stupid. After everything she said tonight, I didn’t need to show her my violent side. But it was taking every ounce of self-control not to let my true emotions come through.

  “What made him finally go?” Riley was coherent again, finally able to participate in her friend’s horrific drama. I guess I should’ve felt lucky that she was so distraught because with all my ranting, I wasn’t doing such a great job of hiding my feelings for Tessa.

  Tessa swallowed hard. She looked down, playing with her fingernails and in a voice so low I almost didn’t hear her, she muttered, “He nearly killed me—and the baby.” When she looked up, the pain in her eyes seeped right into my chest.

  My eyes grew wide. Could a body erupt like a volcano? I was certain my head was about to pop open and combust with bubbling molten lava-like blood. “What. Did. He. Do?” I growled through gritted teeth. Did I really want to know? What she was about to say could result in a death sentence for her ex and a life sentence for me.

  “Marcus, does it matter? You need details?” Riley was at my side now, trying to calm me down with small circles between my shoulder blades. No amount of rubbing was going to tame me.

  Tessa knelt down in front of the car seat, unbuckled Luca, who was now awake, and held him close. She loved that boy with every fiber of her being. I could only imagine the lengths she’d go to protect him. “How could he hurt his own son?” I wondered aloud. He wasn’t my flesh and blood, yet I still couldn’t fathom laying anything but a loving hand on him.

  “The same way he could hurt me. It didn’t matter who or what was in his path. He wasn’t rational when he was drunk. It’s a disease.”

  “Stop it! Please stop making excuses for him, Tessa. It’s making me furious.”

  Riley stepped back, tilting her head. She stared at me, long and hard, her eyes narrowed. In this moment I didn’t care if she figured out I had feelings for Tessa, but it just wasn’t the time and place for something of that magnitude. When I told my sister that I planned on taking my relationship with Tessa to the next, more committed, level, it wouldn’t be tainted by the anguish of her past. I brushed Riley’s accusatory glare aside and continued addressing Tessa.

  “I hope you filed police reports. That bastard should be behind bars! Fuck rehab!”

  Tessa moved Luca to her hip and bounced him up and down. But her expression was far from that of a happy mother. Maybe I was taking my wrath too far? “Do you think I’m a total idiot, Marcus? Of course I called the police… after I came to and followed Luca’s crying into the bathroom. He’d locked him in there with the water running… I have no idea what the hell he had planned. If I hadn’t come to when I did…” She hugged her son close, pressing her flushed cheek to his. He cooed against her warmth and she sniffed him in.

  One look at the sadness in her eyes and I knew I had to get the fuck out of there. I couldn’t bear to witness any more. It was killing me to hear how defenseless she was. How he’d almost… “I have to go.”

  I stormed out of the house without even looking back. I hoped she understood that I wasn’t turning my back on her. I didn’t want to scare her. I needed to clear my head before I made myself look as brutal and venomous as the man who took so much away from her. It was in that moment that I knew I had to make her mine. I was by no means a good man, but I was nothing like him. I wanted to wipe away all her hurt. I needed to show her what love really was. I knew I was no one to be giving lessons in that department, but we’d learn together.

  That night, Riley showed up at my apartment with a six-pack and a box of my favorite Danishes from the bakery two blocks over. “I come bearing gifts,” she joked when I opened the door.

  “You’re such a girl, but thanks.” I grabbed the cold brews from her hand and ushered her inside.

  After she rustled up plates and a frosty mug from the freezer, she met me in the living area and plopped down next to me on the leather love seat. “I didn’t come here to reprimand you, but I need to know what that was all about today.”

  The sound of the can popping open and the fizzy liquid filling the glass was all I could focus on. I didn’t want to do this. Why did I need her permission? She wasn’t my mother or Tessa’s. We were two consenting adults, of sound mind and body.

  “Ry, it’s been a long day. Can’t we just relax and watch the game?” She snatched the remote away from me and turned the TV off. “Hey! I was watching that!”

  “And I was watching you. There’s something going on between you and Tessa, isn’t there?”

  Hell bent on not getting it out this way, I closed my eyes and sucked in a long breath. She didn’t need to know the truth, but my silence gave me away. I just couldn’t allow her to know I was falling for Tessa.

  “Marcus, this is a bad idea. I’m telling you right now to end it before it starts. Did you hear her today? She’s finally getting her life back in order, she’s been through enough. You can’t fuck with her.”

  Whoa, hold up! “Why are you so sure I’ll fuck with her? You know, I really love your notion of what I’m capable of.”

  Riley sat up, her posture serious. I was in for a lecture. Wonderful! “I’m sorry if it makes you feel bad, but come on, Marcus. That’s what you do. When have you ever held on to a girl for more than one night? What makes her different? She’s just another conquest to you especially since you’ve had a hard-on for her since you were a kid. Once you get her out of your system you’ll move on and I don’t think she can handle something like that. She needs to heal… alone… before she can even think of moving on or dating. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t think you can give her what she needs. Please understand that.”

  My face felt hot and my arms were on the verge of tearing through my cotton V-neck like the fucking Hulk. Where did she get off telling me I couldn’t give Tessa what she needed? “Screw you, Riley! You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I took a long pull of my beer and tried to swallow the insults she dished out with it.

  “I do know. I had the same conversation with her after you left. She told me you were just friends, but I didn’t buy it. She’s more vulnerable than ever. I wasn’t persistent enough when I warned her about Zack back then, but this time…”

  “I’m nothing like that asshole. Don’t you dare insinuate she needs saving from me! I would never hurt her. Never!” I slammed the mug on the wooden end table. The golden liquid sloshed over the lip before fizzing its way down the length of the table and onto the rug. I ignored the mess and tried to curb my anger.

  Riley inched closer to me, her hand at my shoulder. I wanted to swat it away, but I had a lot riding on controlling my temper right now. “Marcus, I know you’d never physically hurt her, honey. It’s her heart I’m worried about. Your timing on this sucks. I just wish you’d listen to me, for once. She needs you as a friend.”

&
nbsp; I was listening, and each word pissed me off more and more. The painful realization sunk in that what she said affected me because it was true. I was a fuck up, incapable of love and loyalty. But what if I wanted to make that past tense? I hated to think of Tessa as my guinea pig, but she was the first girl who ever made me want to prove my sister wrong. With every intention of letting her think she won, I nodded my head and leaned back in my seat, reclaiming the remote and turning the TV back on.

  My sister thought she knew all the ins and outs of her little brother, but she was sorely mistaken. Tessa had the ability to change me, to tame me, to make me hopeful for an actual future. I would prove to her, and my know-it-all sister, that I wasn’t just a pretty face with a one-track mind. I was ready to put all that behind me for the sake of moving forward with the right woman. With Tessa.

  “You need a break.” Riley whispered as if Luca could comprehend. “It won’t kill you to get away for a little bit. Besides, you used to love the lake house.”

  “You can take me off suicide watch, Ry. I mean I feel totally loved—you coming for dinner all week, Marcus texting me a gazillion times to make sure I’m okay… it’s nice, but I hate being babysat. I’m fine.” One minor melt-down and the two of them were on constant guard.

  “I am not babysitting. I just… I want to be here for you. I’m sorry if I’ve come on too strong. And Marcus… he’s insufferable, but I guess you already know that.”

  Was that a dig? I didn’t want to broach the topic of her brother any more—it really was none of her business. But Riley’s invitation to the lake house was the first idea that sparked something fresh inside my worn-out mess of a brain. The thought of taking Luca on a pontoon boat or even just laying out by the dock in the sun—I already felt relaxed. “I actually might take you up on the offer. You don’t mind if Luca crashes our girl party, do you?”